I know this blog is mostly about my fitness journey, but today...right now...it seems right to talk about my sister.
Many of you know I lost my sister nearly 3 years ago. August 5 is the anniversary of her death, and as it approaches I find myself thinking about her more and more. These milestone dates are not really getting easier...every year since her death I have struggled through July to September. July 18, 2009 was the last day I saw her, August 4 the last day I spoke with her, August 5 was the day she died, August 11 was the day we buried her, and September 4 is her birthday.
This morning in my Twitter feed was a link to this article - "Do You Have Any Siblings?" and it got me thinking a little. I get asked this question all the time by people I have just met or are getting to know. I usually have no problem saying I have both a brother in California and a sister who passed away. But it does feel awkward. If they ask I usually tell them how she died, and I have a hard time gauging if they are uncomfortable with the conversation. If they're asking they do want to know, right? There have been times when I haven't mentioned her, and other times I don't mention that she's gone. It's a tricky thing to judge split second how you should respond to that question. But above all, no matter what my answer is, I'm so proud and so blessed to have had her in my life for 35 years.
So how am I doing with my grief journey? I think I'm doing okay. I was in therapy earlier this year and my therapist helped me to let go of a lot of the guilt I feel for not being able to "save" her. But I have my moments, and I always will. There is no neat and tidy way to grieve.
I still have moments where I go to grab my phone to call her to ask her opinion about something or to tell her something funny about my kids. I have random thoughts about how proud she'd be of the things my kids are doing and I wish in vain that I could turn back time to when she was here. It's hard for me to fathom that at the time of her death I'd run only 1 marathon (I have 6 under my belt now). I want to tell her about all the things I'm planning on doing....and it hurts that I can't. Sometimes she's the ONLY person I want to share things with.
A heartache that won't stop hurting? Damn right it is.