25 years + an injury update + insecurities

I really miss having a running blog! But, alas, being an injured runner means I don't have a whole lot to say except that I seriously miss running and I wonder if I'll ever be able to run like I used to. It's pretty pathetic, honestly. But I'm taking this spine injury seriously and not doing anything to jeopardize my recovery. That means no running.....for a very very long time. More on that later in this post.

Instead, since this is my blog and I can write what I'm inspired by, be it running or life or health or faith or family, I'm shifting my focus to something that has nothing to do with running.

Today, I'm inspired by a significant milestone that just passed.

About a year ago, Greg and I marked 25 years engaged (February 21, 1998), and I wrote a blog post about what I had learned about Christian marriages through all the mistakes and triumphs during our time together. Going through the Bible and spending so many hours deeply thinking about how that applies to us and to society was therapeutic to me. I hope it also helped others to reassess where they were in their own marriages, reaffirming what they were doing well and also giving them pause on where they could improve. I've actually gone back and read through that post several times. It has helped me as Greg and I continue our marriage ministry at our church.

On May 8 we celebrated 25 years of marriage. The silver anniversary. A BIG FREAKING HUGE MILESTONE. We've been married for a quarter century, AN ENTIRE GENERATION. We got married in the 1900's, y'all!

And I'd marry him all over again. He is always who I would choose. 

We were in Seattle for our anniversary and enjoyed our few days there, checking out a restaurant we hadn't been to before (The Pink Door). In just a few short weeks we will be embarking on our Alaskan cruise to REALLY celebrate. 

25 roses

Spectacular place to see the northern lights

In the year since I wrote that blog post, and despite another year with us essentially living in two separate cities, I like to think that not only have we grown even closer (yes, that's possible even after nearly three decades together), but we have branched out and extended help to several couples through our church and in our personal lives. We have taken a hard look at where we have fallen short for each other, what we've done very well, and where we want to be. 

We are in this for life. Of that I have no doubts.

But a long marriage is not the the goal. Plenty of people have long marriages. More people need to have a long fulfilling marriage, and sadly I think that's lacking in society.

We want a THRIVING MARRIAGE. A marriage that isn't without conflict, but one that is so solid that despite conflict, we always find a way through it. We are honest, vulnerable, and safe for each other. We don't have to avoid hard conversations for fear of the repercussions. We have the hard conversations so we can be even closer. We have some form of intimacy daily, even when we are apart, but especially when we are together. 

Being married for a long time is great, but having true oneness in that long marriage is the absolute best. And it's never too late.

We won't settle for less, and if either one of us is falling short, we have to fix that. It took us both a really long time to truly understand that, to truly understand what a biblical covenant of marriage should look like. And yes, we go to marriage counseling a few times a year to make sure we don't screw this up. 

Our marriage today is the best it's ever been. 

The gratitude is immense and I'll never stop shouting from the rooftops how incredible this is. I'm not dumb enough to think it'll be smooth sailing, however. There will always be difficult moments that we will have to navigate. That's true in every relationship.

Helping to lead the marriage ministry at our church is not where I would've expected to end up, but it has been so fulfilling and we are looking forward to continuing our work there, and to hopefully expanding that into other service areas at church. The more I lean on my faith, the more I want to learn, and the more I want to spread the good news that can be found in surrendering to that faith. I know Greg feels the same way. 

One thing in my life of which I'm certainly more unsure is my spine injury. I'm seriously struggling if I'm going to be honest. I'm in physical therapy twice a week when I'm in town, and avoiding any impact exercises. But it's tedious and annoying to feel twinges of nerve pain and stiffness and to know that I still have a disc where it doesn't belong. I have sessions scheduled right up until I leave for Seattle and our cruise, and then we will see how long I need to continue to go to a professional. It won't be like when I had to rehab my shoulder (30 sessions!) but I'm nine sessions in so far. 

It's making me so weary and so sad some days. 

I miss running. I miss feeling that high, to come home from a great run to start my day on a positive note. There's just nothing like a good run and I'm trying to navigate what is going to replace that for the time being. I miss that community, too. I miss lifting heavy weights and feeling strong.

I miss running with Greg. He can't run very much due to a setback, and it weighs heavy on us both. In our game room in our home we have a wall dedicated to our medals and race posters and shadow boxes of special races like Boston, and as we looked at it last night it made us both a bit wistful. There are so many incredible memories on that wall, things that we accomplished together. I miss those moments...the goals, the journey, the time we spent together. I don't want all that to just be in our past. 

All of this feeds my insecurity and there are days that it wins out, unfortunately. It's hard enough being 50 years old now. My 40s were my decade of being in the best shape of my life, of feeling like there was no limit to what I could do....and now I'm navigating a new decade without being able to put my body to the test like before. It's not permanent, but I'm impatient. The journey of building fitness, of pushing my limits, of finding new adventures is just so fun, and it makes me feel so good about myself. How do I deal with these insecurities? I'm still trying to figure that out.

Unfortunate Health Update

It was only two weeks ago I wrote my last blog post about finding hope in affliction through my faith, and that I was on the mend from a lumbar disc herniation.

A lot can change in two weeks.

My last run was Thursday, April 4 and will likely be my last run of 2024. 

I have somehow reinjured my spine. My L4/L5 disc herniation reared its ugly head again on Friday morning and the second time around has been even more painful than the original injury last fall. I spent five days in excruciating pain as the disc compressed my nerve down my entire left leg. I was at a pain level of 8-9 with very little relief. Drugged myself up as much as I could, but until the inflammation goes down, real relief is futile. Every morning, after a fitful night of sleep, I would hope that I would have a little less pain and a little more mobility…to no avail. 

Five days of nerve pain absolutely drives you crazy. I was out of my mind yesterday. My orthopedist appointment wasn’t until today, Wednesday, and while I was able to get a round of prednisone and had a muscle relaxer on hand, no other home remedies were working. I decided yesterday afternoon to head to the ER. Greg also called my orthopedist to see if there was anything else I could do to ease the pain. 

Thankfully the ER did help me out with a morphine shot. It alleviated some of the pain and I was as high as a kite almost immediately, causing me to not even give a shit about the residual pain. Sweet relief from my misery, even if it would only last a few hours. At this same time, Greg and my doctor were getting me set up for an epidural injection first thing this morning - that, by the way, feels really funky. 

I had my doctor appointment this afternoon. Good news and bad news. Back to physical therapy, continuing those exercises to build up my strength and mobility, and a cessation of running and any impact activities for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t a surprise to me. I had been doing so well, so if I have to let one activity go to get my back fully healed, I’m willing to do so. 

If I think too much about it, however, I start feeling beaten down again. It’s been a brutal 3.5 years. To not be able to run again on Snoqualmie Trail, to not run a race in Huntington Beach…and all the other miles that make my heart happy….well, it absolutely crushes me. I find so much joy in that journey, and now I’ll have to shift for a long period of time to other activities that will better serve my broken body.

One of the things that hurts the most, however, is upsetting Greg. He hates to see me like this and I know my tears were tearing him up inside. I spent his 50th birthday in excruciating pain and couldn’t celebrate him like I wanted to and how he deserved. He’s such a rock to me, however, and puts himself aside to fully focus on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and that serves as motivation to do what I need to do, and not make stupid decisions that further hinder my healing and progress. I still envision us running many more miles together in the future.

The pain of running a marathon (if I ever get to do that again) will be a piece of cake to endure after all this. 

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

My body is trying to kill me

Welp. 

So where were we? I was getting help for a “pulled muscle” and hoping to get back to running so I could race a half marathon to celebrate my newfound AARP status. 

That didn’t go as planned.

My pulled muscle actually ended up being a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, plus three more bulging discs. The pain I was having became excruciating. It actually scared the shit out of me.

I did not see this coming at all.

While I’m so thankful I found the right doctors and got the scans I needed for an accurate diagnosis and I have a great physical therapist helping me get back to being a marathoner…..holy Jesus, this is hard as hell. I have had five PT appointments so far, and today we actually progressed to more impact and added weight to the exercises. Positive forward momentum is what I am hoping for!

So the herniated disc is the worst of it all, but it’s not the only thing. Do you have popcorn handy? I feel like we need popcorn.

I have started referring to myself as the most messed up healthy person out there, because while I've spent nearly two decades focused on being healthy, functional, strong, and "young for my age" (for crap's sake, I was a personal trainer!), I have entirely too many frustrating physical issues. For the third time in 3 years, I have been sidelined from running for an issue not even related to running. A herniated disc might not be as big of an issue as that damn busted rotator cuff from 2020, but it's a pretty big deal regardless, enough so that I have to take recovery really seriously and be dedicated to daily physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Coming back to running without nerve pain is going to be a huge endeavor. I'm tired of huge endeavors, you know?

Anyway.....a recap of my history unrelated to rotator cuffs and herniated discs to get up to speed on everything I've been dealing with the last few months....

In 2009, I was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis, which is a chronic immune system disease where white blood cells called eosinophils build up in the esophagus, creating strictures that can cause food to get stuck. It's a potentially deadly disease if left untreated, as you can choke to death due to the strictures. It can be triggered by allergens and acid reflux, of which I have both. I have actually had this disease my entire life, but didn't have a name for it. All I knew was that I could never swallow any pills other than tiny ones, and food often got stuck in my throat, causing spasms and an inability to swallow for hours at a time. I finally went to an ENT, who then referred me to a gastroenterologist. I had an upper endoscopy done, where my esophagus was actually stretched (and then repeated two months later) and I had an official diagnosis.

So all the people who made fun of me for never being able to swallow pills....screw you. I physically couldn't and not one doctor thought to look further into that. They all thought it was psychological. 

For the past 14 years, I've been on and off acid reducers, and have had several upper endoscopies done with my esophagus stretched each time. It was looking like I would need to repeat this process every two to three years for the rest of my life. I had come to terms that this was just the hand I was dealt, and I was thankful to always have great health insurance and the financial ability to continue to pay for the procedures. 

Late last year, however, I got hopeful news. My allergist mentioned a drug, Dupixent, that had just gotten approval to treat eosinophilic esophagitis and would be the very first drug that would treat the actual disease, and not just the symptoms. It's a drug that is typically used for eczema and asthma (basically, shit that happens when your body attacks itself), but had shown promising results of actually reducing the number of eosinophils in the esophagus. I was thrilled at the possibility of actually getting control of my disease vs. just managing it. I started the weekly injections in March (I inject myself...it's not so bad). 

My insurance was requiring me to get another upper endoscopy done (my last one was in November 2022), in order to see if the medication was working. It's an extremely expensive drug and I needed positive results. Right after being informed of needing to get this scheduled by January, I had an episode that landed me in the ER in September.

While on a walk in Seattle, I started having intense chest pains, had trouble taking deep breaths, and my heartrate skyrocketed. I made it back to the apartment, thankfully, but my distress was increasing rapidly, so much so that I had to call 911. I had no idea where an ER was and just needed help. I didn't know if it was my heart or something else, but the pain was rapidly increasing. I got to head to the ER in an ambulance....oh how fun (and embarrassing).

Virginia Mason Hospital in downtown Seattle took great care of me. I had EKGs, a cat scan, tons of blood work done, and I got to rest a bit. The pain decreased but never dissipated completely. I had some scar tissue that showed up in my lungs (probably from my recent bout of Covid) and they could tell I had eosinophilic esophagitis, but nothing was totally alarming. It basically all pointed to a major acid reflux attack. I needed to chill out and go see my gastroenterologist for an upper endoscopy, which got scheduled for December 15. In the meantime, I needed to again be on an acid reducer in the hopes my stomach issues resolved themselves. I had a several more weeks of constant stomach pain but eventually it did substantially dissipate. 

Unfortunately I had one more intense physical ailment that scared the crap out of me before I had the opportunity to have my procedure. On December 4, while in Seattle (why does this city try to kill me?), I had a very sudden, very unexpected allergic reaction. About two hours after I had eaten, and right after an easy elliptical workout (during which I felt like absolute crap), I felt my bottom lip start to tingle. Within minutes, I could tell it was starting to swell. It very quickly reached an alarming level and I did a video visit with Teledoc. The doctor was concerned enough to tell me to head to the ER as it could move to my throat and cause anaphylaxis. 

Ever taken an Uber to the ER? I have!!

Greg met me at the ER (it's only a half mile from his office), and they saw me very quickly. At that point it wasn't getting any worse (the two Benadryl I had taken as soon as it started finally kicked in) but I needed to be monitored for about two hours to be sure it didn't spread. They got me set up by the nurse's station to hang out, I sent Greg back to work, and I got settled in to hope the swelling dissipated and I could just go home. People pay good money to get lip filler to look as ridiculous as me and I really don't understand that at all. 

While I was there, I got to witness a drug overdose, someone convulsing, someone vomiting in front of me, a screamer, a drunk lady in very bad shape (doctor quote: "were you drinking to celebrate or because you're really sad right now?"), and a dude on drugs who threw his shoes at the nurses next to me. Downtown Seattle on a Monday afternoon is pretty exciting, people.

My lip finally reduced in size within two hours, and they gave me even more meds, so I was ready to head back home. I even made it to Greg's work event on our rooftop that night for a little while, although I was drowsy from the drugs and didn't stay long. 

Now, mind you, this is all happening while I'm trying to do physical therapy for my back. Frankly, I'm getting tired of all this shit. I want a normal week in the life of a healthy Steph. Too much to ask?

So now we are at December 15, I have eliminated some things from my diet so I don't have another allergic reaction, and I am ready for my procedure to check on my esophagus and my stomach. It all went very smoothly, I even let Greg videotape me coming out of anesthesia because I was damn hilarious (Me: "can they give me more drugs?", Greg: "maybe we can get some to go!", me: "that's illegal. It killed Michael Jackson"....intriguing stuff right there). And now for the first bit of positive news in a really long time....

The drugs are working! Dupixent is actually REDUCING the eosinophils in my throat, it looks great, there's no sign of the gastritis that likely prompted September's ER visit, and I can continue taking the medication and don't need to see my gastroenterologist until June. It was honestly the absolute best case scenario.

After several months of frustrating ailments that seemed to keep happening one after another, this was welcome news! 

I know that some of my gastrointestinal struggles likely stem from chronic emotional stress. It's been a challenging couple of years and our routine as a family has taken a bit of a beating. As much as I try to manage my stress, I've had several bouts of being "too" stressed, it's affected my body and my frustration has increased. I need to continue to find ways to practice gratitude, to pray, to look for the positive, and to center myself. There are so many things that have been out of my control, but I am the only one in charge of my reactions to what life throws at me, and I need to better own that and to look for ways to steer my life in a better direction when I can. 

There are so many things to look forward to in 2024....starting with a 50th birthday trip to Napa with Greg, my in-laws, and some friends next month. Knowing that I'm physically healthier on some fronts, and working towards being more physically functional (and a marathoner again!) definitely reduces my anxiety. I don't want to get stuck in the funk...I want to LIVE. 

Positives and Negatives

So many plans...so many ways they can get screwed up! 

It's been a rough couple of months for me, so I'll start with the crappy stuff. 

Back in early September, I had a bit of a health scare while in Seattle that required a trip to the ER. I'm fine, but it requires a follow up with my specialist here in Round Rock, scheduled in early November. I seem to be improving but I likely will need a minor procedure done before the end of year. This all came only a couple weeks after having a pretty bad bout of Covid. Could be related, not really sure. The good thing is that for the most part, I'm feeling better. I have had blood work done and things look good on that front.

(This of course happens when I'm starting serious marathon training for my February 4 race)

During September I was also having some sciatica trouble, had a pulled gluteus medius, and just general tightness in my hips/back. I did what I could and continued strengthening and running, but it was slow going. On October 15, I ran 10 miles and actually felt pretty great. Unfortunately the good feelings didn't last as within a couple hours, I had debilitating sciatica. I hoped some rest that day and night would help it ease up, but I woke up Monday in even more pain. It just wasn't normal and my movement was severely limited. I was scheduled to fly with Greg to Seattle the next day, and found an Airrosti provider a few minutes' walk from our apartment there, so I booked him. There was just no way I was getting to the bottom of my pain without some professional help.

Unfortunately, the news wasn't great. I have a severely inflamed gluteus medius and piriformis, and very tight psoas muscles. What I was doing was actually making it worse, not better, and I had to immediately stop running (which I had already done) and only do the physical therapy and stretching prescribed by the doctor. The inflammation needed to come down in order for me to be able to start running again.

With less than 4 months from my marathon and not nearly enough base miles in the bank, I had to downgrade my race to the half marathon. I refuse to half-ass marathon training. I will never disrespect the distance by not putting in sufficient work leading up to the race, and with my ability to run still questionable, I would not be able to properly train. 

A big fat positive in all this - Greg is signed up for the half and is going to run it with me. I told him he could race on his own, but because he's pretty much the best husband ever, he would rather enjoy the race with me.

SWOON

I saw my regular Airrosti provider here in Texas yesterday and he found the same issues that the other doctor did, and I have added work to do to get me back in shape. It's not going to be easy, but I have to follow doctor's orders. 

I'm really REALLY hoping I can resume running next week. Slowly and carefully of course. 

I have another marathon on my radar for June of next year, The Light at the End of the Tunnel marathon in Snoqualmie. Should be plenty of time to be a good patient, get my body into better shape, and complete a respectable training cycle. 

So what's happening that's positive?

The Best Husband Ever has booked us our 25th anniversary trip for next year. 

25 years!!

The gratitude I feel at that kind of milestone is immense. We could just be hanging out at home in our pajamas to celebrate and I would love and appreciate every second of it, but instead we will be on an Alaskan cruise, embarking just down the road from our apartment in Seattle. I am not a cruise girl and have only been on one over 20 years ago, but I have always thought an Alaskan cruise would be so fun and interesting. I'm really excited!

Did I mention 25 years??

Another really meaningful thing we've started is leading a marriage class (ReEngage) at our church and we are working on being commissioned as leaders. Giving back and building community as church leaders is something I'm pretty passionate about and it feels good to have a new purpose. My faith is my Number One, and if I can reach others and help them improve their marriages, well then that's pretty freaking awesome, isn't it?

I was also able to fly to Michigan to see a few of my incredible friends this month. Just what my heart needed. 

Being down on my luck physically....and missing Greg a lot since he's in Seattle so much and I don't always get to go with him....is tough to deal with. I have good days and bad days, but I'm trying to practice gratitude and pray for contentment in all circumstances (thank you Philippians 4:11). 

So here's to making more memories, great marriages, awesome travel, the bestest friends, and seriously cool adventures. 

First Race Report in a REALLY REALLY Long Time

FINALLY.....I actually ran another race. 2022 had a whopping ZERO races for me. I had foot surgery in March and didn't really have a desire to race again until recently. Foot surgery and my lack of effort made me slower....resulting in lack of motivation....and I could go on and on with excuses. 

BUT I FINALLY RACED AGAIN....and that's really all that matters.

First things first....I hardly trained, with a couple 12 milers thrown in and 20-25 miles per week total. Did I mention a lack of motivation? I have no excuses other than I just hardly trained. Not the usual Steph Hahn attitude, but alas, it is what it is. Kind of a lot going on this past year. Training wasn't a priority. Being uncomfortable wasn't a priority. 

(Side note: I don't want this particular version of Steph Hahn to hang around much longer).

I went into this "training" with one goal....just run a damn race. I picked one in North Bend, WA, since we have a place in Seattle and I knew I'd be there a lot, and it's a beautiful area, and Greg got his BQ there. Lots of great reasons! It also helped that it's a downhill of 1100 ft, so the pressure was off a bit. Even with mediocre training, maybe gravity would help me not be embarrassed by my pace. Secretly, I really did want to break two hours. Logically, I knew even that, with how little I was actually running, would be a long shot. I'd have to really want it, and to feel really good. My personal best is 1:47.....kinda laughable at this point in my life, but still something I aspire to again in the future. 

Checking out the finish the day before the race

The morning of the race was pretty uneventful. It was EARLY AS HELL. We had to leave downtown Seattle at 4:15 to get to the drop off point at 5:00, to walk uphill for at least a mile to the start (and it was quite a hill, over 300 feet of climbing). I'm glad I wanted to park so early, because I beat the port-o-potty lines and was able to start the race on time, unlike dozens of unlucky people still needing to pee. 

The weather was incredible, mid-50s and overcast. For a half marathon, I'm perfectly happy with that weather (for a marathon, however, I want to be freezing my ass off). The course is on a dirt trail in the Snoqualmie area on the Iron Horse Trail, which has a very gradual downward slope, so subtle you almost can't tell. But it does help your pace and your heartrate. 

I was making all sorts of bargains with myself. I wanted to start off not fast AT ALL, just ease into a faster-than-easy-run pace and hold that for at least 30 minutes just to see how I tolerated it. After the first couple miles coming in around 9:40-9:45, I determined I really liked that pace. I really liked the trail. And I absolutely LOVED the scenery. I was glad I elected to forgo headphones, because listening to nature (waterfalls!) beat music hands down. I highly recommend it.

I was really enjoying myself. I honestly didn't even care if my finish time started with a 2. I just wanted to have fun, enjoy the beauty of my surroundings, and express gratitude that I was racing again, feeling really good, was healthy, my husband and in-laws were waiting for me at mile 8, and not everyone gets to do this shit. If I felt like speeding up eventually, I would, but a 9:30-ish pace half marathon was also something to celebrate for sure. 

I spent a lot of my time watching my footing. Having tripped on a run back in 2020 and decimating my rotator cuff and embarking on the worst year of my life rehabbing it, I was nervous as hell I would trip on a rock. But eventually I did chill out (with one eye on those damn rocks just to be safe). No tripping happened!

I paid attention to when my watch was beeping at the miles in relation to where the mile markers were placed and for the most part I was within 10-15 seconds at each mile, although mile 7's marker seemed to be way off. I assumed my GPS was probably pretty accurate. I hit 6 miles, according to my watch, at 57:54 (9:39 avg pace). Would be pretty hard to break two hours without significantly speeding up, and I really didn't want to. I had a fear of feeling like utter garbage if I turned on my speed, and crashing and burning in agony at the end, and I very very much wanted to cross the finish line feeling happy and excited. 

But then mile 7 was in 9:11 and I didn't realize I sped up much. Granted, it wasn't a lot faster, but it felt pretty effortless and in line with the previous miles, so maybe that was the boost I needed to just push a little bit harder. 

The mile 7 mile marker came way earlier than I expected, but I think that was a race crew mistake, because 8 was more in line with my GPS. It was also mile 8 where I found the family! Cedar Falls has a trailhead and is a perfect spectator spot. Five years ago I saw Greg here during his marathon. Seeing them certainly gave me a big boost and I kept my pace a little quicker than expected. I yelled to Greg to expect me to finish in 2:05. 

I looked dumb in all the pics from the front so here's my backside at Mile 8

I continued to speed up and at this point decided that 2:05 was too slow and I could cut it down to 2:03 or so and that would be really respectable, plus I felt great! (Have I mentioned that already?)

Mile 8 was 9:04, mile 9 was 9:06 and it still didn't feel particularly hard. But I could feel the fatigue in my legs, partly due to low miles in training, partly due to the downhill. With only four more miles to go, I wanted to speed up a little bit more, ease back if I needed to, but never go below a 9:15. 

Mile 10 was 8:51 and that excited the shit out of me. I was remembering what it was like to be fast(er). And I wanted that again. 

Mile 11 was 9:05 and according to my watch, with 2.1 miles to go I was at 1:43:13. Wasn't going to break 2 hours without running the rest in 8 minute flat pace (big fat NOPE), but it was going to be more like a 2:01 if I could speed up just a little bit more. 

I hit the 12 mile marker at just under 1:52 and at this point I'm a little wistful I didn't speed up more just a bit earlier. But again, if the mile markers were accurate (and I thought they were pretty close since they almost totally coincided with my watch), I'd be at 2:01. 

Imagine my surprise when I saw the finish line flags WAY earlier than expected, when I thought I still had about a third of a mile left to run. I was running about 8:20 pace at this point and just did my best to run hard past all the flags (state flags for all the participants, yet I didn't see Texas...hmmmm....) and across the finish line. 

I FELT FREAKING AMAZING AND STRONG AND SO DAMN HAPPY CROSSING THAT FINISH LINE. 

I looked at my watch after I stopped it.

2:00:12

12.99 miles

So the mile markers weren't totally accurate after all....and my GPS didn't quite keep up. 

(And yes, the course was accurate and certified at 13.1 miles, it started and finished in the exact right spots, so there were NO mistakes on distance). If I had run just 1 second per mile faster, I would've broken 2 hours!

I honestly didn't expect that I could run that well AND still feel as good as I did. I didn't race all out, I didn't kill myself to get to the finish line as fast as I could, I instead ran comfortably hard, kept my heartrate from redlining (it was pretty much zone 3 majority of the race), and I finally remembered that I'm a damn good runner when I put in the time and effort and volume a fast race requires. I got my feet wet again, got my runner's high, and the itch to race again finally came back in full force.

And I barely broke a sweat doing it (THANK YOU PHENOMENAL PACIFIC NORTHWEST WEATHER). 

Having Greg, Ed, and Linda at the finish line was the icing on the cake. I love my freaking family.

I took the same selfie from when Greg raced!

My husband is hot

I'll be running this course again next June as I plan to sign up for Light at the End of the Tunnel (so will Greg but he just doesn't realize it yet).

But first? My 18th marathon on February 4, 2024, to celebrate turning 50, with Greg waiting for me at the finish after he races the half marathon that day. 

I hate saying I'm blessed, but I am damn blessed. 

AND NOW FOR SOME BONUS CONTENT....

So great to have Ed and Linda there

Greg got me a scooter. I successfully navigated it.

I love sending Greg funny mugs

Living less than a mile from the arena meant BRYAN ADAMS CONCERT!

I went on a lot of walks because HELLO....it's gorgeous here

He loves me and my weirdness....can't you tell?

Mid Year Shenanigans

I'm starting to feel like I'm the world's worst runner. I have my first race since December 2021 in about two weeks, and while it's *only* a half marathon, I'm feeling a bit unprepared. It's definitely low mileage, mediocre-effort training, I'm not even attempting anything near a personal best, and I could completely embarrass myself. But on the bright side, it'll get my feet wet again on the race front, it'll be in the Seattle area (thank you cooler temps), and it's got a net downhill of about 1100 feet. So low mileage be damned....it'll still be a great time!

Greg met up with me on my 12 miler around Lake Union

In the meantime, while I'm in Austin I'm LITERALLY DYING. The heat has been on another level this summer....either that or I'm just a big fat baby now that I spend so much time in the Pacific Northwest and constantly lose all my heat acclimation. After a week in Seattle, I tried running in 80+ degrees this morning. It was pretty freaking pathetic, but 6 miles were done and I feel pretty good about that.

Speaking of races.....

I SIGNED UP FOR A DAMN MARATHON!!

On February 4, I'll be running Marathon #18 in Huntington Beach. I'm equal parts excited and terrified. It means I actually have to take this running thing seriously again. I'm planning to write up a plan as I approach August and recover from the half marathon. It'll be lower mileage than my last few marathons, and I don't have a time goal (YET), and I need to take my nutrition more seriously, and I need to stop being a loser. So basically, it'll be entertaining I'm sure. Maybe I'll even start treating this blog like a running blog again.

I'm trying to convince Greg to become more of a runner again, but he's fighting me on that. A girl can dream, though. I love running with him. He's pretty freaking awesome.

ANYWAY, although my running isn't taking center stage in my life, I have been doing fun things! I've taken quite a few trips to Seattle with Greg over the past few months, and have more coming up....and I'm loving it. I don't love that he has to travel there almost every week, and I'm home in Austin without him way too much, but the times I get to go with him are so special to me. Seattle is just a damn cool city, the weather is phenomenal in the summer, we get to explore a lot (without a car 95% of the time!), and Greg kicks ass at work (as much as one can kick ass at Amazon). We've entertained the idea of buying a place there (almost certainly not going to), we have a whole list of things we still want to do, and are about to renew our apartment lease (eek!). 

The view that never gets old

Just this last week, the kids came out with us for the first time. Brady has never been there, and Dani hadn't been there since we moved into the apartment. A lot of fun was had, a lot of togetherness was had, and I was not ready to come back home to Austin. The dogs missed us, though. And the pool had turned green in our absence so that was neat. 

(I think I'm getting closer to being ready to sell my house)

Watched Lake Union fireworks from the rooftop on 4th of July

San Luis Obispo's Bubblegum Alley came first. Sorry, Seattle.

Mount Rainier

In addition to a lot of traveling, we are being crazy concert people as well. We've already seen Duran Duran this year (my first time seeing them in 30 years!), unfortunately Thomas Rhett and Cole Swindell were canceled in Louisiana last month, then we are seeing Bryan Adams in Seattle and Luke Bryan in Nashville next month, and lastly 3 Doors Down in Austin at the end of summer. Basically, we are booking things on a whim and having a great time doing it. And we aren't inviting the kids to any of it because it's way more fun to just date your spouse.

ALSO....MY KIDS GRADUATED!!! My son graduated with his Bachelor of Science in Computer Science with Cum Laude honors from the University of Texas at Tyler in April, and my daughter graduated from high school in May. They both still live at home for now and that's just fine by me! They are pretty awesome dog sitters for when I'm off causing trouble with Greg. 

An award for Top Computer Science Student of 2023

All the grandparents, too!

Happy Kid!

Once Fall comes around, Greg and I are embarking on another journey. We plan to help lead a marriage ministry/class at our church along with several other phenomenal couples. This is going outside our comfort zone but we feel we have something to offer other couples, whether they are really struggling or are just going through a rough patch. Becoming more involved at church has been incredibly important to me for the last year and I'm looking forward to growing as a faith leader. 

Speaking of faith, can I just again say how grateful I am for my Christian faith? It has saved my life, my sanity, my family, and my marriage. Surrendering to God is the best thing I've ever done. And I know Greg will agree! It's the foundation for every single thing in our lives. 

As the year comes to a close in a few months, fully expect me to be slightly (not just slightly) freaking out over my impending 50th birthday in January. But until then, enjoy a few more pictures of a pretty great 2023. 

Birthday #49

And Greg's #49

Anniversary #24

Fishing at Lake Palestine

Cool Seattle retro sign

We might be famous

Can't beat the sunset

Great Wheel

Mount Rainier

First time here!

Is this what I need?

Whale watching

No blog is complete without the dogs