Welcome to 2025 and my year to TRUST

Every year I pick my theme for the year and do my best to live by it. I wasn't going to do that this year as I just wasn't feeling inspired to go that deep, or to even write. I haven't written on my blog in almost 5 months. 

It's been a confusing and trying few months for me.

And then of course the universe had other plans and for the past few days, I've been hit over the head with one word:

TRUST

The very first page of my new journal gifted
 to me by our church staff

Seen on Instagram right after the new year started

Seen on Instagram five minutes later

Fine then. TRUST it is! Thank you, Lord, for smacking me over the head with growth, opportunity, and a big spiritual lesson.

Last year I vowed to grow my faith so I could live life trusting God even when I couldn't see how things were going to work out. Well, apparently it wasn't enough and now we are going deeper and throwing a tough word at me for this year, because I pretty much failed to live up to my own standard in 2024.

Without going too deep into my past, my personal life, and my traumatic moments, let's just say that my trust has been tested dramatically in my lifetime. Therapy over the last few years, diving into scripture, understanding myself and my faith journey on deeper levels...all that has shaped my current feeling on TRUST and what that means in my personal relationships and in my relationship with God.

My conclusion in this last year is that I am a person who just DOESN'T trust easily. I used to be. WAY TOO MUCH. It bit me in the ass countless times, leading to deep wounds and deep trauma, so I did what any sane person would do and I completely shifted to the opposite side and question everyone's motives and everyone's words, wondering if they're completely full of crap. 

This isn't good. And it's not what God would want from me. There's a balance to be had in having boundaries but also being willing to open up and be fully known. There's a place to put my full trust in God, knowing he's in control and he loves me and he will provide.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6 

It's honestly been an exhausting few months being inside my own head. My therapist is probably exhausted, too. This isn't where I want to be, so 2025 is where I MUST trust God fully and completely, even when I don't understand. The times when I've been able to do this have enabled me to survive some pretty big hardships.

In 2022, Greg took a job that required him to work in Seattle, but we made the decision to maintain our home in Round Rock as well, figuring we could make it work for a couple years and see what happens. Well, what is happening is that we are still living in two places....and it's now 2025. I didn't envision feeling so unsettled in this situation and being forced to trust that things will work out. I like a plan. I don't have a plan. How am I supposed to trust that "everything will work out?"

I like Seattle. We continue to have some pretty great adventures. But I don't want to live here permanently. I also like Austin. But it's not my forever home, either, although our adult kids live full time in our home there. I'm looking forward to retirement in a few years, but living for the future is unsettling and I need to find contentment and peace in the present situation, which means....yes, TRUSTing that we are where we are supposed to be and TRUSTing that God will provide direction and opportunity for our family. 

Remember, we walk by faith and not by sight.

My thoughts are pretty jumbled, honestly. Have you read the book "I Want to Trust You, But I Can't?" by Lysa Terkeurst? If you've ever been burned in your life, if you think of yourself as someone with trust issues, if you try to control outcomes so you don't get blindsided....ahem, ME....then this book is perfect for you. The personal and/or professional difficulties you've encountered don't have to mean you live as a victim. We don't have to walk around with a chip on our shoulder because of the actions of another person/other people. We can make a difficult choice to be transformed by those experiences and not let them guide our futures in a negative way, but rather empower us to grow closer to God and deepen our spiritual journey and our purpose. The book is intense, the lessons are incredibly difficult, but the conclusions are vital for growth.

You can't control others, but you CAN control yourself.

I’m working on it.

One thing that I’m disappointed about and trying to come to terms with is missing out on teaching in the upcoming Re|Engage class at church. Greg and I took the fall semester off as we had participated and/or led the previous three semesters and it’s healthy to take a break. Unfortunately with Amazon’s 5-days-per-week in the office policy for 2025, we aren’t available on Monday nights as Greg (or both of us) must be in Seattle. I felt like we had found such a good place to help others, to guide them spiritually in their marriages, to share our story, and just feel true purpose in this stage of our lives. It WAS working for us to commit to Mondays and then fly to Seattle Tuesday morning. Hopefully we can still find a way to contribute with our personal story/lesson via video at some point in the semester.

Again, while this isn’t exactly how I envisioned my leadership journey, I’m choosing to TRUST we are where we need to be. Truly thankful for all the other leaders stepping up at Gateway Church when we can’t. 

I may also have a bug in my ear about furthering my spiritual ministry into life coaching at church. I’m currently praying and asking God for guidance and peace. Who knew my 1997 degree in psychology may actually produce more fruit! 

God continues to have plans for me, ones that I can start to see and others that are still in the shadows. He knows my purpose, he knows my gifts, and he has every intention on using me for good. Deep breaths, deep trust, and a lot of peace as a result....that is my plan for 2025.

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

Faith

As the new year begins, I've chosen my theme. I spent 2023 growing stronger in my faith in Jesus, while practicing gratitude for all the ways I have been blessed. This year, my faith will take on even bigger meaning. I will walk in my faith daily and be an example to others on how trusting in God can transform your life, can guide you, and can enrich every aspect of your day.

FAITH

Living with faith, growing your faith, trusting in your faith is not an easy endeavor. God never promised us a problem-free life, and for many, these problems seem insurmountable. To live by faith means that you trust even when you can't see it, even when it doesn't make sense, even in your deepest pain. You live with an eternal perspective, not a worldly perspective. In your deepest sorrow, you can turn to God to bring you through it.

As Greg and I continue in our commissioning as leaders at our church, we are entrusted to live this way, to show others the power of belief, and this new purpose in my life brings peace, perspective, and abundance. I'm excited and humbled to see what 2024 brings in my church community and beyond.

I committed to finding gratitude in 2023. While I still struggled and some days seemed brutally hard, I never went long without realizing my blessings and shifting my perspective to the good in my life and in the world. 

It was fun to look back on the previous year and to reflect on the adventures, and as I looked through all our countless photos I definitely had a big smile on my face. It was a good year, a difficult year, a year of abundance and learning and growing. With all the plans we have for 2024, I have no doubt that the positives will far outweigh any struggles, that we will see so many new things and experience far more than we can see right now. We have choices on how we want to begin a year, and I'm beginning this one looking forward while coming to peace with the past and all that it has taught me.

Back in July, I posted about our year so far, so I'll continue here where we left off....the second half of 2023 in pictures....enjoy!

Ending July with family in Seattle

My first race since 2021 (Snoqualmie, WA)

We lost a very special friend, Alison, to cancer in July

Great friends+Austin=LOVE

Summer of concerts continues - Bryan Adams, Seattle, August

Greg's first time in Nashville, August

Luke Bryan, Bridgestone Arena

Gibson Garage+caught in the rain

Just have to trust

Greg is funny with his gifts

I'm pretty funny, too

Back in Seattle on a gorgeous day, September

It may have been cold and rainy, but we had a blast on Mt. Rainier

Visited my sister on her birthday

We have a lot of advenutres!

Important reminder to walk out our faith

Sometimes my dogs are cute

I went to Seattle about a dozen times this year.
The rain did not stop me from getting in miles (October)

Weekend trip to Michigan, October

Hanging with Greg at work

Left my mark in Greg's office

25th Anniversary trip booked!

Back in Seattle, November

Greg traveled to Tokyo for the first time

I got terrible news about my spine (herniated and bulging discs)

Last trip of the year to Seattle for me, December

It's Christmas time!

Off to a party

Our 29th Christmas together

Last day of 2023!

Two more weeks until the milestone

Facts

It was a busy, fruitful, and totally crazy year. So much love, so much travel, so much growth, so much perseverance, so much hope. 

In two weeks, we head to Napa and then to Seattle to celebrate my birthday. While the thought of entering my 50s seems crazy to me, I'm looking forward to celebrating this month with those I love the most. 

Positives and Negatives

So many plans...so many ways they can get screwed up! 

It's been a rough couple of months for me, so I'll start with the crappy stuff. 

Back in early September, I had a bit of a health scare while in Seattle that required a trip to the ER. I'm fine, but it requires a follow up with my specialist here in Round Rock, scheduled in early November. I seem to be improving but I likely will need a minor procedure done before the end of year. This all came only a couple weeks after having a pretty bad bout of Covid. Could be related, not really sure. The good thing is that for the most part, I'm feeling better. I have had blood work done and things look good on that front.

(This of course happens when I'm starting serious marathon training for my February 4 race)

During September I was also having some sciatica trouble, had a pulled gluteus medius, and just general tightness in my hips/back. I did what I could and continued strengthening and running, but it was slow going. On October 15, I ran 10 miles and actually felt pretty great. Unfortunately the good feelings didn't last as within a couple hours, I had debilitating sciatica. I hoped some rest that day and night would help it ease up, but I woke up Monday in even more pain. It just wasn't normal and my movement was severely limited. I was scheduled to fly with Greg to Seattle the next day, and found an Airrosti provider a few minutes' walk from our apartment there, so I booked him. There was just no way I was getting to the bottom of my pain without some professional help.

Unfortunately, the news wasn't great. I have a severely inflamed gluteus medius and piriformis, and very tight psoas muscles. What I was doing was actually making it worse, not better, and I had to immediately stop running (which I had already done) and only do the physical therapy and stretching prescribed by the doctor. The inflammation needed to come down in order for me to be able to start running again.

With less than 4 months from my marathon and not nearly enough base miles in the bank, I had to downgrade my race to the half marathon. I refuse to half-ass marathon training. I will never disrespect the distance by not putting in sufficient work leading up to the race, and with my ability to run still questionable, I would not be able to properly train. 

A big fat positive in all this - Greg is signed up for the half and is going to run it with me. I told him he could race on his own, but because he's pretty much the best husband ever, he would rather enjoy the race with me.

SWOON

I saw my regular Airrosti provider here in Texas yesterday and he found the same issues that the other doctor did, and I have added work to do to get me back in shape. It's not going to be easy, but I have to follow doctor's orders. 

I'm really REALLY hoping I can resume running next week. Slowly and carefully of course. 

I have another marathon on my radar for June of next year, The Light at the End of the Tunnel marathon in Snoqualmie. Should be plenty of time to be a good patient, get my body into better shape, and complete a respectable training cycle. 

So what's happening that's positive?

The Best Husband Ever has booked us our 25th anniversary trip for next year. 

25 years!!

The gratitude I feel at that kind of milestone is immense. We could just be hanging out at home in our pajamas to celebrate and I would love and appreciate every second of it, but instead we will be on an Alaskan cruise, embarking just down the road from our apartment in Seattle. I am not a cruise girl and have only been on one over 20 years ago, but I have always thought an Alaskan cruise would be so fun and interesting. I'm really excited!

Did I mention 25 years??

Another really meaningful thing we've started is leading a marriage class (ReEngage) at our church and we are working on being commissioned as leaders. Giving back and building community as church leaders is something I'm pretty passionate about and it feels good to have a new purpose. My faith is my Number One, and if I can reach others and help them improve their marriages, well then that's pretty freaking awesome, isn't it?

I was also able to fly to Michigan to see a few of my incredible friends this month. Just what my heart needed. 

Being down on my luck physically....and missing Greg a lot since he's in Seattle so much and I don't always get to go with him....is tough to deal with. I have good days and bad days, but I'm trying to practice gratitude and pray for contentment in all circumstances (thank you Philippians 4:11). 

So here's to making more memories, great marriages, awesome travel, the bestest friends, and seriously cool adventures.