Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

New Year New You?

 I hate New Year's Resolutions. They're cheesy. They don't stick. And why wait until a new year to make a change you know needs to happen?

But here I am, knowing I need to do SOMETHING in this new year.

I'm 14+ months out from my horrible shoulder surgery. Physically I'm fine. Mentally, I'm messed up. That injury and surgery, followed by a hip problem and personal life stress really put me through the wringer in 2021. I just couldn't get a good grasp on it.

I ran my 17th marathon on December 12 and while it was much slower than my personal bests, it was a fairly consistent effort. I was weak, however, and I don't like how that felt. Come to find out that I got Covid while on our trip and got very ill right after the race. This virus messed with my respiratory system for three weeks. Probably didn’t help that I depleted my body’s defenses in a marathon. I got everyone else in my family, including my mom, sick as well. I backed out of my January marathon, after first downgrading to the half. I had to throw in the towel when the virus wouldn't go away.

I'm not very pleased with how my training cycle went. I know I bit off more than I could chew and I tried adjusting when I knew I needed to. I struggled to come to terms with my new limitations and my slower pace. I didn't do everything I could have to fix these things, and for that I'm quite regretful. I'm usually stronger and more motivated than that and it's frustrating to see so much weakness creep into my life and training. 

I suppose a lot of this is understandable. I'm struggling with coming to terms with this "pandemic" and the continued failed response to it. I don't have the stomach for tyranny and I'm sickened by the mental toll this has all taken on society, particularly on our kids....including my own. I'm exhausted. A really smart man I follow on social media said everything lately was "hyberbolic, partisan, exaggerated, and exhausting" and he definitely accurately described it. I just want a break for our country. So yeah, it's hurting me in many ways and that has creeped into my passions and I'm frankly pissed off.

So now that my training cycle is over (which coincides with the new year), it's time for me to take stock of how it went. What worked? What definitely didn't work? What do I need to do more of? Less of? What's holding me back? How do I fix that?

I ordered a training log/journal and am excited to receive it and start writing in it. I'm brainstorming in my head in the meantime on what I need to do right now before I even think of a new training cycle.

First....MORE STRENGTH TRAINING

Once I was done with physical therapy sessions, I let this slide. I did the bare minimum and as my mileage increased, the strength training decreased. Big mistake. This MUST be a priority. So for the next few months, I'll be strength training at least 3 times per week.

Second....SPEED WORK

I obviously did a lot of speedwork in my marathon training, but I want to focus on shorter and faster sessions rather than so much marathon and half marathon paced work. I think that combined with more strength training will set me up well for my next training cycle. 

Third....FIND PURPOSE ELSEWHERE

This is kind of hard to describe. I'm feeling a bit like I'm flailing around in the world, without a definitive place for myself. My husband is our provider, my kids are both in school, my son is figuring out his future after college....they all have a specific PLACE. I don't have a career at the moment, something that is intentional for our family, but it does also mean that I struggle with how I can feel purposeful. Without purpose, we can quickly lose ourselves. I know that I am important to my family....there are a lot of things that I provide that help them in their own endeavors that are not tied to money or work or school. But it's not very tangible and that bugs me some days. I'd like to better define my purpose....yes, that seems very obscure and open-ended, but it's the best way I can describe it right now. This doesn't directly align with training as it does with just being a more well-rounded person, in a way strengthening my mind as much as I'm strengthening my body.

Fourth...PRIORITIZE SLEEP AND RECOVERY

Simply put....I didn't get enough sleep. Since my marathon and my illness, I've been sleeping upwards of 9 hours per night and my body is still craving that level of sleep, so apparently I needed it. 

Fifth...BETTER MEAL PREP

I typically do eat very well, and I'm particular about ingredients. But when I spend just a little extra time meal planning and prepping the week tends to go better for me physically and mentally. When I am fueling regularly and properly, it comes out positively in my mood and my training. I have the time....I just need to prioritize that time.

I think this is a good start to getting a handle on getting out of my physical and mental funk. Baby steps leads to big gains, as long as we are consistent and intentional! 

So many things

 June has been.....INTERESTING.

I started off the month feeling like utter crap. It was disconcerting....high heartrate, fatigue that was unrelenting, shortness of breath, just a lot of very concerning things. My body was not cooperating on runs, nor during everyday things. My hip was really starting to hurt (I suspected bursitis), so I knew that wasn't helping matters at all. 

On June 6, I threw in the towel on my long run and called Greg to come pick me up 2 miles in. I was running 11 minute pace (my very easy pace), and my heartrate climbed quickly into Zone 3 and was staying there. I couldn't breathe correctly and just felt like I was running through cement. I was DONE with feeling like this.

I got a doctor appointment the next day and he listened to all my concerns. Bloodwork to check pretty much everything was ordered and my blood was drawn (4 vials!) right there at the office. I made another doctor appointment with my orthopedist's office the next day to have my hip checked out.

The ortho agreed with me regarding my hip - it really looked like bursitis, which is an annoying condition but totally something that can be overcome. BACK TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! My poor, poor physical therapist. I also got a cortisone shot, my first one ever. No running for the rest of the week, which I was definitely okay with since I felt like crap on every run anyway.

I got my bloodwork results back later that day. Everything fell within normal ranges. HOWEVER, my ferritin was bordering on too low, particularly for an endurance athlete, and my Vitamin D was back down to the low level of normal. Thankfully my thyroid was functioning okay (I only have half a thyroid) and my blood panel didn't indicate anything alarming. So I doubled my regular iron and Vitamin D supplements, and would continue to take Vitamin B12, fish oil, and magnesium as usual (yes, it's a lot but I'm a middle aged woman and I'll do whatever it takes to feel good!).

The doctor and I had discussed my discontinuation of mood regulators, which I had been taking for years. I tapered off them in February and what I was experiencing could be a delayed reaction to the withdrawal of the medication. The biggest issue, however, was the amount of stress in my life. I am massively stressed almost daily due to some situations that are really beyond my control. I have been trying to use other methods in helping me deal with the stress, but it's entirely possible that it's just not enough, and the mood regulator was doing more good than I thought, and even if I wasn't feeling particularly "depressed" (I'm not), the medication was helping me control my stress levels. 

Well, crap. I really didn't want to go back on the medication. I take zero prescription meds and I like it that way.

But I needed to help resolve this problem. My body was physically deteriorating due to stress, and with the addition of higher levels of supplements and a reintroduction of a mood regulator, I could still turn it around. I am a healthy person and should be feeling better! So I restarted the medication at half the dose I was taking previously. It's only been a few days and I'll be able to judge the effectiveness in a few weeks.

I don't like being dependent on something, but like a friend of mine said recently, a diabetic wouldn't think to stop taking insulin, so someone with a mood regulation problem should also do whatever medically necessary to keep themselves healthy. She's totally right. And I shouldn't feel bad for needing this.

Around the same time as this, Greg was a total SWEETHEART and surprised me with a brand new Garmin Fenix 6S sapphire watch. He was proud of me for how far I've come since my October accident and how excited I am to begin marathon training next month, and wanted to give me everything he could to aid in my training. My previous watch is a Fenix 5S, so definitely a pretty sweet watch but the features on the 6S are just the coolest! Heat acclimation, load focus, and an improved race predictor. I just love it!

I may have also purchased the Saucony Endorphin Pro 2 shoes, even though I never even raced in my original pair of Endorphin Pros. But how can I resist a checkered pattern?

Now....about my hip. I have a feeling that in the months during my shoulder rehab when I wasn't moving my arm much but was still going on very long walks, I developed a worse than usual imbalance (I have scoliosis so I'm always a bit imbalanced). Because my shoulder was still healing and I was very limited in my movements and exercises, strength training was minimal. The imbalance turned into inflammation and bursitis on that side. So back to physical therapy I went last week, to the same guy who helped me through my shoulder rehab. But this time, the work is much more exciting for him since it involves strengthening and not just ROM exercises. He agrees with the orthopedist that it's likely bursitis, and he pinpointed my core/glute weaknesses that are contributing to the problem. He has me doing daily exercises and I see him 1-2 times per week. Unfortunately the cortisone shot only took away some of the discomfort. I probably needed a second shot in a different location, but I will say that the strengthening is already making a bit of a difference. 

In the midst of all this, I'm obviously running far less in June than I did in the previous two months. I'm keeping my runs shorter, and trying to focus on the little things like foot turnover and form and not being so damn afraid to run fast (tripping on a run and destroying your shoulder will put the fear in you like nothing else). Short intervals, shorter base runs, no long runs, 4-5 days per week of running. It's not a lot, but it's consistent and it's helping me heal and while it will always suck, I feel like my body is acclimating to the heat and humidity (my watch agrees with me!). Also, I actually sort of love the feature on the Fenix 6S that gives you suggested workouts, so for the past 2+ weeks I've just been doing whatever it tells me to. I don't always hit the paces it says I should but I don't think it adjusts the suggested workout paces for weather, so I just roll with it. 

Technically I start marathon training in two weeks and I've rewritten the first few weeks of the plan to build my long run. Originally I planned to have a base of 10-12 mile long runs, but that's out the window for now, so I'll be starting at six miles and building from there. Before long I'll be at 40+ mile weeks and I'm looking forward to finally feeling better.

Oh, and we are remodeling and it's taking longer than I had anticipated. Who knew that EVERYONE ELSE is also remodeling??

So, in summary....

STRESS SUCKS

PEOPLE WHO STRESS ME OUT SUCK

BEING NEEDY SUCKS

HOWEVER, GREAT MEN MAKE AWESOME HUSBANDS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE MINE

Spring Cleaning

The dark winter is almost over!

This winter was stupid dark so I'm particularly looking forward to a change of seasons. 

When I last wrote a blog post, back in January, I was a few weeks into physical therapy, not running yet, but trying to find some semblance of a routine to keep my sanity. I let go of my 2020 goals, many of which were derailed by my accident in October. I set some new goals that were realistic for 2021.

I am now 20 weeks post-surgery on my complete rotator cuff tear. Hard to believe it's been 20 weeks already. I have completed 23 physical therapy sessions and am in the strength phase of therapy. I have 7 sessions left to go and will continue to go once a week and stretch out the strength phase as long as I can with my therapist. I am only about halfway in my recovery, realistically, and even after 40 weeks will not have my strength back to normal. I started running 6 weeks ago and am no where near back to normal on that front. That will definitely take a long time to get back. My body and mind are simply not the same as they were on October 18, when I was nearing the peak of marathon training.

The hardest part of this journey I never wanted to be on is getting my mind right. I am struggling with coming to terms with my body. It was so strong before this and now I feel like the 47 year old I am and I absolutely hate that feeling. I feel sorry for myself too often. I am angry too often. I am impatient and frustrated. I feel weak both physically and mentally.

I know a lot of people who have had rotator cuff repair, but I don't know anyone who had damage as extensive as mine. It's tough to hear about how they were in physical therapy a week after surgery, when I had to wait 6 weeks, that they were fine after a few months, when I will be looking at feeling "fine" after a year. My recovery is not comparable to others so I have a hard time finding encouragement to follow. It's pretty isolating sometimes. My therapist tells me I'm doing great, and there are some sessions where I'm pleasantly surprised at my progress, but then there are days when I'm frustrated that putting a can on the shoulder-height shelf is a struggle. 

I am trying to remember how hard things were when I first started doing active exercises and how little my arm would move on its own to how I can reach quite far with it now, that I really have made tremendous progress. But then I remember I used to be able to do 100 pushups and I fear I'll never be able to be that strong again. People tell me I'm crazy, that it takes time, but my mind is just too impatient. 

I miss being a marathon runner. Sure, I can go out and run continuously now, versus the run/walk intervals I had to start with in February. But I just now barely hit 6 miles and it was hard. My pace is incredibly slow and my heartrate and effort are nowhere near as low as they used to be at that pace. I have not tried any type of speed, but am thinking of incorporating short speed intervals in 2-3 weeks. I know in my head exactly what I need to do and what the progress should look like, but I hate how hard this is. I absolutely hate it. 

I know my attitude is being affected by other things around me, things that are out of my control, and I can't help but think it's penetrating my brain in negative ways. My youngest child continues to test me daily and I've exhausted my ability to help turn the tide. It's my kid's journey to complete. The tools are there, the support is there, but I can't make anyone do what they should do. Personal responsibility and hard work are they only thing that will help at this point. It's pretty maddening for a parent. And as helpful as some try to be, they do not understand the magnitude of this journey. It's the one that Greg and I are on, and only Greg and I. We are the only two that understand it. We've been living it for so many years now. It's not helping my own fortitude, that's for sure. The atmosphere in our country also continues to be painful to witness, when so much of it is avoidable and stupid. People unnecessarily turning against one another is completely wrong on so many levels, and it never needed to be this way. Add to that the countless lives that have been destroyed in this last year....and it's a recipe for depression, to put it bluntly. 

Of all the things to do to myself, it had to be this injury and surgery? Just stupid!!

BUT.....I am still in charge of my destiny. So while I will feel sorry for myself, I will be pissed at what my body feels like right now, I will be pissed off at others for their lack of grace and intelligence, I am still in charge of the trajectory of my life. 

So what does that look like?

I am RUNNING. It's not much, but I am running. I can now run 3 days in a row and will be doing that this week. I can continue to up my distance slowly. I focus on my effort, my form, my hydration, my breathing in the hopes of finally having a breakthrough. My breathing sucks, my effort is sometimes too high, and I feel like I'm in someone else's body, but as a former coach I know that consistency will produce results eventually. I KEEP SHOWING UP.

I signed up for another marathon yesterday on a total whim. I'm already registered for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon on December 12, and now I'm also registered for The Louisiana Marathon on January 16. It's called the Beach to Bayou Challenge and I did it in 2017/2018 (when I qualified for Boston). I have no plans to be that fast yet, but I think having this big of a challenge will keep me motivated to be consistent. Plus I love those races. Then in October of 2022 I want to run Chicago (I deferred 2020), and THAT is when I will try to be fast. 

Next month I'm running the virtual BAA 5K because who doesn't want a Boston shirt and medal? It will be a slow 5K compared to the past but fun nonetheless. I like Boston and I like medals!

I am also traveling for the first time in over a year! My husband and I are going to Florida for our anniversary in May for a long weekend on a beach. I need the time away, to reset and recharge and just enjoy time with only my husband. I had hoped to travel internationally this summer, but with restrictions still so changeable and the need for a negative Covid test to return to the United States has me very wary to leave the country just yet. I'm not afraid of traveling or being around people, but I don't like the thought of being restricted from reentry! So we will wait a bit longer on that. Thankfully, Florida is less restrictive than a lot of states and has beautiful beaches so it's a very nice compromise for now. 

I am ready for the tide to turn on life. I think we ALL are. It's been a ridiculous year of heartache for many. 

A Little March Update

I've alluded to the fact in Instagram that it's been a difficult month so far, even more so than what's going on globally. I took a break from Facebook for Lent, and it's probably for the best with all the craziness. I'm pretty sure social media + semi-quarantine are not a good mix, especially when it comes to Facebook and the overabundance of opinions spewed on that platform. 

Life took a turn for the extra difficult and our family is working to navigate it. It seems to be a pattern, but if you've endured any kind of mental illness in yourself or a loved one, then you know that there is nothing normal or serene about it. You could have a great couple months, and then your world turns upside down on a dime. Welcome to my reality. I never know when it's going to hit and when it does, sometimes it's particularly bad. We are navigating as best we can, but right now, the stress is threatening to do me in. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this amount of stress. I'm helpless and exhausted.

Add on top of that the fear and uncertainty with COVID-19, and our anxiety is compounded. I know it's a temporary disruption in our lives, but it's still difficult. At first I wasn't so concerned with my immediate little family contracting the virus, but then I remembered that technically I am part of the compromised community. While I have it relatively under control, I have asthma. It's impossible to know how a virus like this could affect me. It could be mild, like when I had the flu a couple years ago, or it could hit me hard. I'd really rather not find out. Because of this, I'm very much trying not to go out in public. I'm still running (although avoiding water fountains and public bathrooms if at all possible), and I will likely still make quick trips to the grocery store, and I have appointments that are vital, but I want to avoid as many people as I can. I don't have a huge problem with this. I'm an introvert, so alone time is not a burden. I have a big house project I'm working on so it gives me free time to work on it. 

Without any races coming up (which is a little weird), I don't have a set training plan. But I want to continue to run 5 or 6 days a week for the mental health therapy. I think it's so important for me to start my day doing something good for myself. With so many things out of control around me, I need to grab onto this part of my life and hold on. If I had to quarantine and be forced to not go outside, it could really really suck. Stair repeats, anyone? I don't own a treadmill!

I have been thinking the last couple days of our blessings. There are a lot of people out there truly scared about how this world has changed...they can't afford physically and/or financially to get sick, they don't know what to do if they can't work and they need to work to get paid, they don't know what to do if their kids' schools close because they don't have childcare available. I am lucky that this isn't my reality....very very lucky and I never want to take that privilege for granted. When people harp on businesses and the government about taking so long to shut down public areas/schools/businesses, etc, we all have to understand that while that might not greatly affect US, there are millions of people out there who will most definitely be impacted and their plight needs to be taken into account. I do not envy those in charge of these decisions and I'm very much impressed with the vast amount of work these people are doing right now. I can't fathom their exhaustion. 

Show grace and be kind. 

We also need to understand that while the cancellation of a certain event or trip might seem meaningless, it's still a big loss to some people. Much of our joy is derived from our extracurricular activities or watching pro sports or traveling and all of those things are an awesome escape from work and the stressful parts of life. Most of that is gone right now and for the foreseeable future, and it's going to eat away at us eventually. We are going to crave something outside our homes. So it's okay to feel that loss. But it, too, shall pass. 

So again, I say to be kind and show grace.

We had an event upcoming at the end of March that I was looking forward to that was just cancelled. My son, my firstborn baby, accepted admission to the University of Texas in Tyler and will begin his freshman year there in the fall. Later this month we were planning to visit the campus for a all-day tour and information session. I've never been to Tyler and I'm so nervous about sending off my kid to college, so this day was a big one for us. I'm sure we will get an opportunity to visit before he moves there in August, but it is still a big bummer. On a positive note, I'm so proud of my kid for getting accepted into the UT system. He will be transferring to Austin after freshman year and graduate a Longhorn, which was his ultimate college choice. A big positive in our lives, for sure. 

Please be aware when you are out in public, that there are so many people who need you to stay healthy and not spread this virus further. Don't galavant around with no thought for others. 

Work together every day to make this better. 

Coming to a close

Now that I have time to breathe and think about something other than marathon training, I've been thinking a lot about the rest of my personal life. I have stepped back a bit from disclosing our struggles, as we navigate how we should be handling them.

But I feel like we got a really big win this week and I want to share it.

My daughter (she's nearly 15) has been in therapy continuously for almost 4 years. She was in therapy with a counselor at nine years old for a few months, but then there was a big gap before we found a psychotherapist. Since that time, she also came under the care of a psychiatrist and then started group DBT therapy in August of this year after a particularly difficult summer.

Recently, she had a huge relapse. It frightened us and confused us and made us take a step back on where we needed her therapy and medical interventions to go. It took a couple of months, and many many appointments between all three therapists. When I mentioned it was kind of a miracle I ever made it to my marathon start line in one piece, I wasn't kidding. I was worn down. But I used training as my own therapy and distraction from the emotionally exhausting things we were encountering as parents.

On Tuesday, she "graduated" from psychotherapy. After more appointments and money than I can even fathom, we left that appointment without making her next appointment. As of right now, we don't "need" to and can have this therapist on stand-by for any future needs, should they arise. I actually cried as we were leaving. Her therapist has become more than just a "doctor." She's been my daughter's savior, and ours, and I genuinely love her as a person. I will greatly miss her, although thankful that if I'm missing her it means it's because my daughter is doing well.

When you have a baby, never in your wildest imagination do you think you'll have to send your child to therapy for years on end. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and it has been continuous for YEARS. It wasn't just a fluke bad spell she went through. She has struggled for so long that I don't really remember what it's like to NOT struggle. I still hesitate to put this out there, but I know that by sharing our struggles, it can make another parent maybe not feel so alone if they are also struggling.

I am constantly hurting for my girl, and angry, and exhausted, and confused, and completely unsure if I'm ever doing the right thing for her. I have to employ a tremendous amount of strength to not fall apart myself, and there have been times this year when I honestly thought I simply couldn't do it anymore. I have broken down more times than I can count, have cried more than I ever thought possible.

I am still terrified that the other shoe will drop, however. Absolutely terrified. When she calls or texts me from school, my immediate thought before I've even read the text or answered the phone is that something has happened and she's having a panic attack and needs me. I can't shake this impulse of mine to assume the worst, because there have been so many times where she has contacted me in a complete panic and meltdown. I still have to walk on eggshells with her, even though I know it's not helpful, because I don't want any reaction of mine to send her into a tailspin. I don't want to say the wrong thing or to be too tough as a parent. Balancing discipline with her emotional needs is probably never going to be something I get perfectly accurate, but I keep trying.

I have a phenomenal daughter. She is more compassionate than anyone I know, she is so strong in her convictions, and she genuinely loves people and wants to be the best friend and person she can be. She's wildly talented artistically and musically and I'm constantly in awe of what she can create. She's beautiful inside and out. I'm so in love with her character and so proud when I look at her that she is an extension of me. Her face is angelic and her smile lights up every room she's in.

I just wish her mental struggles would dissipate completely, that everyday stresses that we all encounter wouldn't debilitate her. It's getting better, it will always get better, and I feel so relieved when she handles unexpected disruptions in stride rather than being immobilized by them. She has a beautiful future, I know she does.

So I'm taking some deep breaths as we head into our winter break. I'm showing her as much love and attention as I can and reminding her of all her successes and strengths.

This year wasn't what I envisioned it would be. I had some huge highs and personal successes, but they were so difficult to truly enjoy because there were these other struggles that took over my thoughts on a daily basis, there was a tremendous amount of stress that I carried throughout my entire body, and rarely could I let it go completely and relax. I am truly thankful for my partner in crime. His job is so demanding and he works insane hours and is on calls with the other side of the world (or is ON the other side of the world!) at all hours, and yet he does everything humanly possible to take care of his family, to support me in my crazy endeavours, and joins me as I travel around the country running too many miles and spending all his money. We get closer every year and appreciate the little things with each other. When I am with him, he somehow magically makes most of my stress disappear. Just this past weekend, he took me on an impromptu weekend trip to Hollywood, Florida, so we could stay in the new Hard Rock Guitar Hotel and enjoy a Bret Michaels concert and Criss Angel show and spend hours just laying at the pool without a care in the world. It was incredibly refreshing and I wouldn't want to spend a weekend like that with anyone else. My kids are so lucky they got him as a dad. His love is endless for all three of us.

It's crazy for me to think that we are in our twilight of parenting years. Our son will be graduating from high school and starting his adult life, and our daughter will be finding her own independence as she continues in high school and gains even more maturity. Next year will be a huge transition. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to tackle.

Hold your babies tight!

Getting back to normal

It's been over 3 months since I hurt myself. I was supposed to run California International Marathon last month, and I'm pretty damn bummed out. The weather, of course, was perfect and I think I could've run a PR race and secured a 2020 BQ. But alas, I had to skip it. I deferred it to next year and am already looking forward to it. I'm slowly working my voodoo magic to get Greg to commit to running it with me.

So where am I now?

Getting back to normal! It was a slow mileage buildup and I'm finally no longer wary of speed. I'm busting my butt as much as I can to get back into shape while still being cognizant of my hamstring. It'll be awhile before I'm back to pre-injury cardiovascular endurance shape, but I will get there. I closed out November with 113 miles and December with 152 miles. Those are pretty big numbers considering I only ran 29 miles in October. December was my third highest mileage month of 2018. I'm up to 40 weekly running miles, with 5 or 6 days of running. Considering I used to top out around 40-45 miles for marathons a few years ago, I'd say I'm doing well with 14 weeks of training to go. In my peak week I'll be at 60 miles, which is plenty for me.

In a little over two weeks I will be running my first half marathon since 2017 and the first time in six years that I will legitimately try to run a personal best. I had hoped to PR during my 2017-2018 marathon training cycle, but bad weather convinced me to turn a planned race into a good training run. Houston is usually pretty good on weather in January so I'm hoping for the same. It will also be my first race in my new 45-49 age group!

As the Boston Marathon gets closer, I'm getting more and more excited. A very close friend of mine who was my running buddy until she moved to the Boston suburbs is going to be running it as well. I'm hoping for some pre-race Athlete Village shenanigans before the super fun sufferfest begins. Yes, I said "super fun sufferfest." It's a thing and people like us love it. I even bought my very first Boston 2019 running gear.

This coming Sunday will be my longest training run since September, at 15 miles. This past Sunday I ran 14 miles with 5 of them at marathon pace. My pace miles were not as speedy as I had hoped, but they were still close to BQ pace, I felt great so I didn't push it any harder, I ran them in one 5 mile set, and considering I was running in 35 degree drizzle, I'm quite happy that I managed a solid training run at my longest distance in this new training cycle. It helped that the husband met me at mile 8 to run the remaining miles with me.

On the non-running front, I've been reflecting a lot on 2018 and how it differed from 2017. I felt a lot more peace this past year than I have in a long time. My daughter, who has battled depression and anxiety and has been in treatment for three years, seems to have turned a big corner. She will be turning 14 next month, and with that maturity and a change in schools for 8th grade, she seems much happier with herself. She has a newfound confidence that is beautiful to witness. She has learned to play the violin and ukelele, has been singing a lot, is continuing her incredible journey as a talented artist, and is enjoying her theater class. Her talents in the arts really blow me away and I'm thrilled she has found the right outlets to gain confidence in herself. It hasn't been perfect. As anyone who battles mental illness, it's not linear. There are ups and downs and really terrible days. But overall, upon reflecting on the year as a whole, I'd say she's made great strides.

As for me, as I alluded to in my last blog post, my eyes have been opened to many things that I was previously trying to bury because I just couldn't deal well with them. I have a new confidence in myself similar to my daughter's. I am more in tune with protecting my happiness and what that entails. I have let go of so much negativity and it's a refreshing change. My relationship with my husband of nearly 20 years has grown and as we enter this milestone year, I feel more than ever that we are on the right page with our values and our future dreams. Learning to live with someone and committing to that for a lifetime, despite ups and downs and frustrations, is rare in today's world. He's my best friend and I'm going to keep him!

I am continuing to pursue the things that I love. Besides running, I am doing some home remodeling. My newest project is repainting my kitchen cabinets, a huge endeavour but one that is actually pretty fun to tackle. If I am going to continue to be the stay-at-home parent, then it's important that I find ways to be productive and save our family money, and I enjoy the challenge of teaching myself how to do this stuff well.

On the exercise front, I'm thankful that I found a good therapy outlet with running, as this works well for me to navigate life's stressors. I was talking to a friend yesterday about marathon training and how, while I prefer the half marathon distance, committing to 26.2 is better for my mental health. It requires a focus and commitment that is very different from 13.1. I enjoy the challenge, I prefer something that requires such a high level of commitment and focus, and that's why it's become my go-to distance these last couple years. There will always been something magical and exhilarating about completing a 3-hour training run and about crossing the finish line after racing 26.2 miles.

I've been constructing my race plans through 2020 and I think I'm in for a whole lot of fun. Besides Boston and CIM this year, I'm planning to attend the Olympic Marathon Trials in Atlanta next year. I watched them in Houston in 2012 and it was incredibly fun and inspiring to witness. I want to add another marathon besides Atlanta (it will be held the day after the Trials), and Chicago is on my mind. But I'm still open to other ideas for a fall race. I've run 10 Texas marathons, so at this point I prefer traveling to other parts of this beautiful country. There are so many great races and places to visit that I need to branch out and experience them!

So, on this 2nd day of 2019, I have a lot of hope, peace, and love. May it continue throughout the year for me, my family, and my loved ones.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

- Romans 15:13

Control

As I was finishing up my last blog post, another topic formed in my mind that I feel the need to write out and work through. In case you haven't noticed, my mind works in overdrive sometimes and having this blog is a great way to dissect these thoughts.

I talked a bit about how important it is for me to focus on the things I can control in my life. I have so many things that are total crapshoots for me on a daily basis that without something concrete to focus on, I'd literally lose my mind.

For starters, my kids. Oh, my darling kids. Mind you, I love them with all of my being. I think they have incredible minds, incredible talents, and with a bit of direction, are really going places in this world. But parenting them is far more difficult than I ever envisioned. They are smart as can be, so I thought school would be a breeze for them.

Nope.

They have a ton of talent...my son is a computer whiz and my daughter is fully immersed in the arts - she can sing like nobody's business and her artistic talent is being fine tuned on a daily basis. So of course, they'd be super focused on success because of this, right?

Nope.

It's frustrating. That's putting it mildly. Actually, it absolutely kills me. It stresses me out like nothing else in my life that they always manage to find a way to get distracted, to not care, to perform less than they know they're capable of. I have absolutely no control over this, and I refuse to be a helicopter parent no matter how much the school pushes me to micro-manage them. I've spent years trying to find a balance between guiding them, hovering over them, harping on them, and talking about it until I'm blue in the face, while forcing them to take control of it themselves, to be responsible, and to allow them to fail and learn a lesson. I can't do the work for them, I can't force them to care, I can merely guide them and support them. Basically, it's totally out of my control and my mind wrestles with this on a daily basis.

So that's my kids for you. I don't have control over what they choose to care about or on what they focus their attention, but I have control over accepting them for who they are and supporting all their successes and their failures.

My kids are only a part of the uncertainty that surrounds me on a daily basis. There are so many things that I struggle with personally, and find difficulty in controlling. I have come to accept many of these variables, however, but it was a long process.

First, mental health. For a very long time I was unaware that I suffered from depression and anxiety and that it was an actual disorder that I would be struggling with for the rest of my life. I always viewed my "bouts" with depression and anxiety as just that....temporary bouts. It wasn't until a few years ago, that, after discussing it at length with my doctor, I was found to be clinically depressed and suffering from a legitimate anxiety disorder. Temporary fixes wouldn't make it go away. I would always have to be proactive about treatment and I could not be complacent. I'm so thankful for the counselor that I found who worked with me in those early days to come to terms with this problem and find ways to reset my mind. I'm thankful for my doctor for taking me seriously and then opening my eyes to reality, and spending time reworking my medication so I finally found one that my body could tolerate long term.

Anyone who suffers from mental health disorders understands just how significant all these steps are. I have accepted that this who I am, I have a husband who supports me daily and understands when it's just "not my day...or my week" and doesn't make me feel guilty about it, and I continue to find ways to battle through the dark times without giving in to that darkness.

I do not have control over my diagnoses, but I have control over how I let it run my life.

Next, the negativity in the world. I gotta be honest here. I think the way people have treated each other in the last couple years...publicly...is just insane. It's disgusting and unnecessary and it shows a complete lack of character. The name calling, the lack of common sense, the lack of decency, the inability to really think about what they're saying and doing. It blows my mind. I can't control what other people think or do or say, but I certainly don't have to join them in their immaturity and irrational behavior. It's forced me to remove people from my life (trust me, I only did this after a lot of soul searching), and to avoid some people, and to keep my mouth shut about many things. I want to be known for my compassion and grace, not for being a raging bitch when I don't agree with someone. So I've quieted my mind and my mouth. It's truly a freeing experience.

Lastly, let's talk about physical health. I am a healthy person...mostly. However, what isn't so obvious on the outside is that I do suffer from many physical ailments, and my family medical history is downright frightening. I have asthma, eosinophilic esophagitis and dysphagia, and scoliosis. My family has suffered with countless bouts of cancer, high blood pressure and cholesterol, and diabetes. I sometimes feel like I'm on borrowed time because I've not yet experienced anything truly life threatening. My disorders are incredibly frustrating at times, however. I had hoped in the last year to put myself as a priority and work on a better solution to my gastrointestinal issues, but because of my family's medical woes in the last year and the astronomical amount of money we were spending on that, I had to put myself on the backburner. I really need to get treatment again (surgery or meds? both? not sure). I finally said enough is enough and I scheduled doctor appointments with a new team of doctors after I was dissatisfied with my last one. That appointment is on Monday and I'm optimistic that I will see relief soon. It's been a long time coming and it was time to put myself first. With regards to my asthma, thankfully, with the weight loss and more focused marathon training last year, I feel like I've made big strides with improvement and better control of my asthma. I didn't have any real trouble with it. However, my allergies that lead to asthma issues need to be addressed in a more permanent manner. I finally scheduled the appointment I will need to begin allergy shots. It's a huge commitment but it was time I stopped putting it off. The scoliosis? Yeah, that's not exactly going away, and because of the imbalance it creates in my lower body, I have to be extra diligent with physical therapy exercises and weight lifting to keep my imbalance from causing running injuries.

My family medical history is probably one of the biggest motivators to me taking charge of my physical health. I can't control genetic predispositions to anything, but I can still do whatever I can to fight off other preventable diseases. I refuse to be limited by things that I am 100% in control over, and when I've seen things start to go sideways I always try to right the ship by putting more focus and effort into nutrition and exercise. To people on the outside, I seem obsessed. I really don't care. I know how devastating preventable illnesses can be and if it's something I can control, well, then that's what I'm going to do. I have a lot of plans for the present and the future and I don't want any limitations.

I guess the moral of the story is that when you're feeling completely overwhelmed by things outside your control, sometimes what can bring you back from the abyss is finding those things that you CAN control and putting more focus into those. It can be something small, or many small things, or something big. But there is always something that is within your control. Taking hold of that can help you reset your mind and bring a bright spot into what can many times be a very dark and dreary time.

Niceness is Rare

Today has been so hard for me. It's not often that I have days this terrible. Did anything in particular happen that was so horrible I couldn't handle it? Not really.

Nevertheless, I had a panic attack. I simply could not handle everything that had irritated me over the last few days (irritable children, messy house, too many doctor appointments, stupid drivers, school demands, negativity everywhere you look, you name it), everything I still needed to do, and what everyone needed from me, and it completely derailed my sanity momentarily. I even broke out in hives, the stress level was so high.

That sense of being completely overwhelmed doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's debilitating. I absolutely loathe having an anxiety disorder. It makes me feel weak and worthless. I canceled the plans I had tonight, for no other reason than I just couldn't fake being okay around people. I feel terrible because it was going to be a fun evening. But I simply had to tap out for the night and be home where I feel safe (at least when the kids aren't being complete ogres). I did go for a run in the hopes of exhausting myself so much I stopped worrying about everything.

When I got home, I grabbed the Reader's Digest (don't laugh, I love that magazine), sat down on the couch, and became immersed. The Editor's note in the beginning was written for me, I swear. Mr. Kelley verbalized exactly how I've been feeling for the past few weeks regarding one of my bigger stressors, and that's the rampant negativity and meanness in the world right now. I seriously think it's been having more of a negative impact on my mental health than ever before. Here's what he said:

Reader's Digest has long been neutral about politics, but one thing we will never be neutral about is niceness. In a democracy where free expression is the rule--and where the internet, talk radio, and cable news provide enormous megaphones--niceness has never been more important. If we want to live in harmony along with our competing ideas, we need civility, empathy, and a sense that we have each other's backs. Niceness is the glue that will hold us together.

Yet it's not-niceness that's on the rise. The bitter call-and-response of our political exchanges has long pummeled the promise of "E pluribus unum." In a recent poll, 75% of Americans called incivility a "national crisis." It's no accident that Americans' faith in their institutions is scraping bottom. 

Yep.

It's a tough balance of wanting to be informed of what's going on globally, and yet being completely sick and tired of the rampant negativity, name calling, and ignorance. It's really screwed up my head in the past few weeks. I need positivity and feel good stories, but it seems those are few and far between, shunned in favor of shock value antagonistic stories. So sad. I'm enjoying the Reader's Digest piece regarding the Nicest Place in America contest, where citizens actually go out of their way to be generous and kind, not expecting anything in return. That type of attitude fosters a sense of belonging and contentment.

If only people (and the media!) could take two seconds to think, REALLY THINK, about what they are saying and how it can be received, not to necessarily censor themselves, but to understand whether or not their viewpoints in that moment are helpful or cause further division and incivility. Maybe they ought to go pet a puppy and then come back to their keyboard and see if they still feel like saying it.

Maybe if there was more of this, people like me with anxiety disorders might just be okay way more often than we are. Turn down the noise a little for us. Please.

Why I Run

Life can be stupid hard sometimes. I often wonder if my parents felt the stress that today's parents feel. Is it tougher to raise kids in the era of electronics and social media, where distractions and bullying have taken on a whole new meaning? Where it's so much easier to compare your parenting and your children's success (and failure) to others?

I've been struggling with this part of parenting this week. My kids are going through a rough patch, one that I know we can get through, but it's a rough one regardless. All the while seeing other parents post all their kids' victories (which is completely awesome for them, don't get me wrong). When you don't have a lot of positives to post, it can be lonely and frustrating, and it makes you question your ability to be a good parent. Shouldn't my kids be happier and more successful if I was actually doing a good job at being their mom? Sounds ridiculous as I type, but the feelings are pretty valid.

It's also got me thinking about my sometimes-crazy hobby....endurance running and triathlons (I say triathlons loosely since I haven't even done one in 16 months). Why am I really spending all this time and energy on this sport?

I am a stay-at-home mother who quit her short-lived second career 30 months ago in light of some pretty serious child issues. I don't regret stepping away from it, even if it kind of blindsided me. But it also set me up to once again "just" be a mom as my adult role. I know, I know....don't say it's "just a mom" because that in itself is a very difficult job. However, my brain doesn't sit still very easily, and while I enjoy the freedom of time that I get most days, my brain needs stimulation. I was one of the smart kids growing up and I'm a critical thinker. Never in my life did I think I wouldn't be putting that mind to use in a career. Kind of crazy how things turn out nothing like what we had imagined (not such a bad thing).

So I need a focus. I need something to be laid out for me week after week that I follow, analyze, tweak, and about which I feel accomplished.

Enter marathons. 

You just can't fake a marathon. It takes discipline and commitment, and forcing myself to do the training week after week, month after month, gives me an outlet for my energy and intellect....in an unconventional way. It gives me time away from the daily struggles of parenthood and time with other like-minded people.

Many people think it's just a way for a mom to run away from her problems.

To those I say ZIP IT.

Don't knock it before you try it. 

But WHY MARATHONS??? Couldn't half marathons be good enough? Why put your body through torture?

Oh, some runs, some weeks, some training blocks are freaking torture, I won't lie. I get tired and irritable and whiny. But on the same token, I absolutely love it. It's a way to hone my discipline, it's a reason to get up everyday, it forces me to make mindful choices every time I open that refrigerator because you can't train on crap fuel. All those things are GREAT THINGS. The marathon is a big enough goal that you can't allow yourself to slide. You HAVE TO put in the work.

Besides, at 43 years old, this makes me feel really good about myself. I'm proud that I can do this in middle age, and sometimes I do it well.

I fear that if I didn't have this, I would sit around all day letting my depression and anxiety completely take over my mind. The thought of that scares the crap out of me.

I had a brief thought to run another marathon in a few weeks, but I decided not to. I have a 200 mile team relay coming up in two months and then I'll put a few sprint triathlons on my calendar. My next marathon will be in the fall or winter and I'll tackle that beast the same way I did this past year and it will be fantastic.

Hey 2017, throw me a bone, would ya?

2016 can kiss my ass. What a crappy year.

It's possible it's going out on a couple of high notes, but over all, it was kind of the worst.

STRESS, STRESS, STRESS.

Not everything was horrible. I actually got healthier and leaner, I got my medication woes figured out, I've had a good marathon training cycle, I got to race in California, my daughter is getting better (although I'm not sure heading into teenagerhood is a real improvement), I have a pool, and I'm not unhappy about the election results (deal with it, I'm Republican).

But UGH, so much crap happened that I was not at all anticipating and it really floored me. Thank God I've had a pretty decent human being by my side to do this life thing with, because if I was muddling through without a partner it could've been exponentially worse.

But 2017...you're going to have more good than bad, right? RIGHT?!?!

You freaking better.

I'm doing everything within my power to bring good things into my life. I'm a firm believer that if you don't try to take charge when things go south, you're making things a lot harder on yourself than necessary. So many things are still under your control, so you hold onto those things and make them as positive as you possibly can.

That's why you see me busting my tail at marathon training and taking care of my physical self. I am in complete control of that, it's something I can focus on daily, and frankly, it's why I get out of bed some days (if you have mental health issues, you understand this). It's imperative that I have one thing that is totally mine, that is not dependent upon anyone else. It's empowering and puts my mind in the right place. Kind of important for someone with my issues. Not to say it's easy, because it's the last thing I want to do some days. But then I circle back to that whole "taking charge" thing and I get back on target. Besides, it makes me feel really good about myself, and that's priceless to me.

My kids are entering the second half of 6th and 9th grades. It's still a bit of a struggle to get them to understand how important education is, and they fumble here and there. But with maturity it's getting better and I have high hopes that things will continue to go smoother on this front. Now, if only we could do something about those mean middle school girls.

I know I have many things to look forward to in 2017. I'm going to continue to add things to the list, and spend time with good people, and love on my kids, and do my best. Some days will suck, some days I'll feel like an absolute failure, and some days I'm just going to need to feel sorry for myself. But some days will most certainly shine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Not going to miss you at all, 2016!

If I could call you

I loved talking to you on the phone. I loved your voice. Your giggle. Your sarcastic tone.

I loved all the stupid and silly names you used to call me. I think my favorite was "freak." You never spoke it with malice. I could picture your head shake to go with it. And "seester." That was a great one, especially when you'd sign my birthday cards with it.

My memories are growing fainter over time. It's a bit harder to conjure up that voice. That laugh. The laugh that used to make you turn purple.

During the dark times over the last few years, and there have been so very many, I have so badly wanted to call you. I have wanted to ask your opinion, seek your advice. You always listened. You never judged. I was never afraid to tell you all my feelings.

Being parents of girls was something we shared. But we never really got a chance to support each other in all the challenging times that come with pre-teen and teenage parenting. You were gone too soon for that. It makes me feel cheated, because you would have been the perfect voice of reason when I felt so down on myself, when I just didn't know what else to do to help my daughter. You would have talked me down from the ledge. You would have been my sanity.

I'd like to think I would have been the same to you.

But we never got that chance, did we?

There were so many times when we were there for each other, however, when we told each other things that we just couldn't say to anyone else. I hold those memories close and dear. The words that were spoken will stay with me, our "secrets" safe. A sisterly bond that will never break.

Every year, during this week, I go through all the emotions of the grief cycle over and over again. Except denial. It was the first emotion I experienced when I heard the news and it was a tough one to shake. But I understand reality now. There's no denying the past seven years. But the anger, the bitterness, and depression...those come and go. I wish I could say that it has gotten easier. I suppose in some ways it has. But there are the days when it is all encompassing, when it's all I can think about. There are days when I can't go thirty minutes without fresh tears sliding down my cheeks. I try to hold them back, but it's impossible. Today is one of those days.

Imagine if I could just call you.

I see the bickering around me in the world, in my community, and among my friends and I want to shake them. I want them to stop and to appreciate what is around them. I want them to appreciate who is in their lives. "What if they are gone tomorrow?" I want to say. They always think there is a tomorrow. But we know better, don't we?

I can think of little else than how much I miss you. There is absolutely no one who can take your place, who can truly comfort me. My heart is absolutely broken. Parts of it have been stitched back together, but it's a tenuous repair. The stitches are strained, some have burst and need to be repaired. I always hope each repair will hold up a bit better than the previous.

Today the stitches burst. I will try to repair them tomorrow.

But for today, I mourn.

Musings

I was a mess last week. You wouldn't have necessarily known it if you were around me, but inside I was a mess. My thoughts were jumbled and all over the place and I couldn't concentrate on too many things.

First, I am feeling a bit lost about my physical well being. This time last year I was in the middle of a good triathlon season and I was having fun. I had a pretty decent, consistent schedule and I saw progress. It was good for me.

This year, I'm feeling a lot of guilt for NOT having a triathlon season. How dumb is that? I know in my heart that I simply can't concentrate on a rigorous schedule like that. It would just put more stress and guilt on me if I kept having to miss workouts, and I don't want to be away from my daughter that much when I know she does better when I'm at home with her.

So because of this, my motivation is lacking. I am frustrated by this. I want to feel differently. I still take care of myself....I run, I go to the gym, I get on my bike when I can. But it's not a priority and it's usually the first thing that I let go of when I'm overwhelmed emotionally. I don't like this at all. It's not me, and it's not making me feel comfortable.

On a brighter note, however, I do officially start marathon training next month and that will be a more structured schedule, with mileage goals that I will need to hit. I am hoping this is what will help me come out of this funk. This funk is the pits and I'm tired of it. I feel lost and need that extra hand, but it's no where to be found. There's no hand to pull me up and out of this right now. I see others all around me in the midst of their training schedules and I feel like I'm on the other side, watching them through a dirty window.

All those thoughts were right up at the forefront of my mind last week. And then there's my kid.

You see, I had to take my daughter to a psychiatrist on Thursday, so in the days leading up to it I was in a perpetual state of anxiety. Would she freak out going to the appointment, would she cry and not be able to stop, would she be unable to speak in the appointment, and worst of all....WHAT WOULD BE HER DIAGNOSIS?

I am so worried about her. With psychotherapy she's been doing better overall. Her episodes are fewer, but not gone. They'll never be totally gone, but slowly it appears she's learning to manage them better. But when she can't, it hurts me so deeply as a parent. I can't even describe the feelings.

We got through the 75 minute appointment and I think it was successful. I am not going to go into great detail because I need to keep some of it private. We do not have a definitive diagnosis, but we have some ideas, we have something we can look at in more detail, we have a clearer path. I liked the psychiatrist. His main concern is making sure we are going to function as a family and we are all going to be in agreement at whatever treatment path we choose. Unfortunately, this appointment is not a one-and-done kind of deal, and we will be seeing him one or two more times to hash out our path. He wants us all in agreement. He wants to think more about what he sees as my daughter's main challenges. She will continue to see her psychotherapist three or four times per month.

I am scared of treatment. While I know she is gaining coping tools through therapy, her brain just isn't wired in the same way as a normally functioning child and there is only so much we can do without looking at medication (hence....the need for psychiatry). I am terrified of this. Absolutely terrified.

Medication is helping me, as it helps so many people who have chemical imbalances. But when you're talking about a child, it's a scary endeavour. The psychiatrist wants to be sure we have all the information we need to make a decision together, so my husband and I will be seeing him without my daughter in a couple weeks. I hope our path becomes even clearer then.

I want my girl to be happy and balanced. I want her to have confidence in her abilities. I want her to feel good about herself, to be able to handle stressors in a healthy way, rather than getting angry and shutting down. I want her to be successful at school and to enjoy what she's learning. I hesitate to say "I want her to be normal," however, because I don't think there's a clear cut definition for "normal." She and I have a different kind of normal we live with, but we can both find a way to contentment. It just may be different than the majority of people out there.

Adulting is Hard

Back when I was a little girl I used to fantasize about what being an adult would mean, how much fun it would be, how I'd have such a great little family, and I just couldn't wait to be grown up.

Oh, man.

Can I go back to being six years old, please, living in our adorable home in California, with my awesome parents and sister and our cocker spaniel, George?

Shit.

I feel like all I do is complain right now. About everything. I'm sure it's annoying as hell to some people, but it's where I'm at right now. I'm sure some people don't understand what I could possibly be complaining about. Well....trust me, there's plenty. My last blog post was fairly positive and it was only eight days ago.....it's amazing what can happen in eight days.

Picture this....you take a stack of little blocks and put one on top of the other until it grows very tall. Eventually, those blocks will tip over and crash. Now imagine each of those little blocks represents a minor problem. Stack up a bunch of minor problems and then they grow into one big tall tower, until it gets to be too much and everything just crashes.

I think my tower of blocks crashed on Sunday.

However, some of my blocks aren't so little.

Over the course of the last couple years, my little problems stacked up. In the last couple months, they've been stacking up at a rapid rate. Maybe any of one of them examined separately doesn't seem like such a big deal, but like I said....they aren't separate at all.

Everything keeps breaking. If you are a homeowner you understand that shit gets expensive. Replacing a dishwasher, a microwave, a garage door, and an A/C unit, A DAMN CAR, and repairing plumbing leaks might not seem so bad IF IT WAS JUST ONE OR TWO of those. But throw them all in, and then some, in less than a year and holy freaking cow.

My health had gone downhill. Now, mind you, none of it is a huge problem. After all, I don't have cancer or any other life threatening illnesses, as do some of my friends. But any kind of health problem can be alarming and overwhelming regardless of severity.

I became injured. Not such a big deal to those who don't have a regular exercise routine. But it is a big deal for a woman who is trying to defeat a terrible family history and who uses exercise as a coping strategy for depression and anxiety.

This is a great representation of how dejected I feel about my fitness. My climb out of injury has been torturous.

Speaking of mental illness, I had to stop taking my usual medication. The withdrawal was excruciating for over two weeks.

I have to seek treatment for another medical condition, and although I did get good news about it last week, there is still a small chance of surgery in my very near future. In the meantime, I have to take yet another medication.

(Also, don't get me started on my medical insurance and the hassles I have had to deal with this year just to get an MRI and my prescriptions filled. Ain't nobody got time for that.)

My dog died. I suppose this one is a big block. She was thirteen years old and it was not expected that we would be putting her down.

Now the blocks are going to get even bigger....

My kids. Oh, my kids.

I have one son who has ADHD, and while we have been able to control much of his symptoms, he still has his moments of forgetfulness and insensitivity that can be directly related to how his brain is wired. I get phone calls and emails from school that break my heart. Thankfully, he is developing maturity pretty rapidly and he and I can have some really wonderful conversations that I cherish.

As for my daughter, I will say this is my biggest block and the reason that the whole tower came tumbling down. I will not go into a lot of detail, because frankly, the details need to remain private. But imagine your child's typical outburst. Now multiply it by ten. Now imagine half your life in the bubble of that outburst. But let me be very clear...

It is not because she is a pre-teen.

It is not because of school.

It is not because "this is just how kids are."

She needs professional help to deal with how her brain is working. It will not go away on it's own. She will not necessarily "outgrow it."

Seeking that help and letting the gravity of it sink in is how I came to my feelings on Sunday. Perhaps I hit rock bottom. It's pretty ugly to feel that despondent. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So what have I done to lessen the stress?

I have exactly ONE commitment right now. ONE. I let everything else go. I literally have no room in my mind for more than one commitment. It means I have disappointed people, I'm sure, but I had to put myself and my family first. Simple as that. Take it or leave it. Hopefully most of my friends understand.

I unfortunately have lashed out here and there. I don't have the ability to control a lot of my emotions right now. I cry all the time. I get easily frustrated. I just have no patience. The bear can't handle being poked right now. At all.

I do not want to continue feeling this way. Writing it out like this has helped, and I'll continue to use this as an outlet for my feelings. Blogs don't talk back. Blogs don't have advice. I don't need any of that. I just need to process my feelings and move forward one step at a time.

One thing I do take from all of this. Just because someone's problems don't seem all that big, they ARE big to them. You don't know what else they are dealing with. If you're feeling down about something, stop telling yourself "well, at least I don't have a REAL problem."

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE REAL TO YOU.

Depression is Ugly

I have never made it a secret that I have mental illness struggles. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and get treatment for it. It took me a long time to realize it, but it's something I have probably struggled with for over 20 years, but just never recognized it as a mental disorder. Certain circumstances occasionally put me into a depressive or panic episode despite treatment. Many people can't really fathom what that means.

Since I'm in the midst of one of those episodes I thought this might be a good time to explain how it feels and what happens.

The only thing I want to do is be inside my house.

I want to sleep.

I want complete quiet.

I do not want to talk.

I do not want to socialize.

I find it hard to breathe.

I look outside my window and I fail to see the beauty that surrounds me.

I can't smile. If I do smile, it's fake....or someone told a really good joke.

I don't want to complete any of responsibilities, which means my house gets messy.

If I run errands, I fail to complete them because I begin to have a panic attack at being around people.

I don't want to make plans.

I will cancel plans.

I get sick.

My blood pressure rises.

The stress is suffocating.

I feel helpless.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I shut down.

I will snap at you.

I cry, usually out of the blue.

My feelings get hurt easily.

I overreact.

Nothing I can do really helps, but I still try.

I can't "snap out of it."

Counting my blessings will not make me feel better.

The small problems add up exponentially.

I am angry I feel this way.

I wonder when it will pass.

I wonder if I will ever be normal.

I wonder how people can still love me when I'm this way.

That's depression and anxiety. It's a real bitch. It goes well beyond being sad, frustrated, or lazy. I know exactly why I've been thrust into this latest episode. There are circumstances in my life that are causing a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety and I feel very helpless on how to improve those circumstances. The stress has eaten away at me, especially for the last few weeks. Add in the monster of depression that lurks inside my brain, and this is the result.

I hope that the more people learn about mental disorders like these, the more understanding and forgiving they can become. There are so many people out there struggling and you won't even recognize it. Show kindness and grace.

Random Updates from the Loony Bin

Life is wild, isn't it?

I admit I got myself stuck in the thought that I was totally screwing up this life thing. My kids are a mess, I'm a mess, a lot of crappy things have happened (this year particularly), and I'm not quite sure where I'm heading.

And then I read THIS.

WAIT....I'm actually succeeding at life? Who knew!!

1. Your relationships are less dramatic than they used to be. 
Check! Drama is stupid and grownups who thrive on it are ridiculous.

2. You're not afraid to ask for help and support anymore.
I admit that I have a hard time delegating. But when I need help, I typically turn to the husband and he is awesome about it. I should probably turn to friends more than I do, but I'm glad that I have someone under my roof that just gets me and gets my needs.

3. You have raised your standards.
"You don't spend time with the 'energy vampires' in your life anymore."
WORD.
Seriously, I don't need to have the life sucked out of me by passive aggressive, immature bullshit. Take a chill pill and call me in the morning.

4. You let go of things that don't make you feel good.
I'm am VERY good at this. I took stock of everything over the summer and realized I needed major changes for me and my family. I quit my job, focused more on them, put more passion into MY training, did little things that were just FUN, and ignored some of the stuff that just wasn't. Contentment happened, people.

5. You have moments where you appreciate who you see in the mirror.
I'm a 40 year old woman and I love it. I take care of my health and it shows. I am a caring, intelligent person, and I like me a whole lot.

6. You have learned that setbacks and failure are a part of self-growth.
"In reality there is no such thing as a setback. It's all just part of a wondrous journey."
I try to learn something from every challenge, and I know that all the stumbles have made me stronger and smarter and more empathetic. I'll take that.

7. You have a support system that includes people that would do anything for you.
I have a pretty kickass family and some pretty kickass friends. My circle has tightened over the years, but those who are closest to me are the best of the best and I love them to death.

8. You don't complain much.
I suck at this one sometimes. I really try to keep the worst of the worst off of Facebook (Twitter is a different story). I try to remain positive, but it's so tough when you're at your lowest. My poor husband and friends hear it all. But I do try to temper it with positives as often as possible, because there are always good things around me at every moment, whether I choose to see them or not.

9. You can celebrate others' success.
YES!! Not to say I don't want to occasionally punch the most cheerful and perfect people out there, but YES! It's great when things go well for others.

10. You have passions that you pursue.
DUH. I kick ass at this one. If there's one thing I've learned is that if I don't take care of ME, I can't take care of others. And pursuing the things that give me my spark is pretty amazing.

11. You have things to look forward to.
I don't want to live in the future, but I do like to have events and goals planned out that I can slowly works towards, whether that's a race or a vacation or whatever. I can look to a few months from now and say, yep, that is going to ROCK.

12. You have goals that have come true.
I am a wife. I am a mother. I am healthy. I am a marathoner. I am a triathlete. I am living in the great state of Texas. Just to name a few.

13. You have empathy for others.
Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive, that I internalize suffering a little too much. But I'd rather have compassion than to be completely selfish any day. I might joke that I hate people, but in reality, I love them to death.

14. You love deeply and open yourself up to be loved by others.
This is very true and it has burned me so many times in the past. I trust people a lot, sometimes too much, and it means that my heart is wide open for hurt. But because of this, I've also been able to love unconditionally and to BE loved beyond what I ever thought possible.

15. You refuse to be a victim.
Oh, hell yes to this one!! One thing that drives me completely bonkers is when others seem to fall into the same trap over and over and yet refuse to take responsibility for it. They are perpetual victims and blame everyone else for it. They thrive on the attention that victimhood provides. Um, NO. Ain't no victim here. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes, because I definitely do, but I'll do my best to conquer again.

16. You don't care what other people think.
This has been very tough for me. I am a sensitive person and it cuts deep when someone doesn't like me or disses me in any way. I'm slowly stepping away from this mentality but I have work to do.

17. You always look on the bright side.
I fail here. Frequently. Probably a product of depression, but yes, I fail here. Not all the time, but too often.

18. You accept what you can't change.
It took me a long time to understand who I really am. I'm an introvert. I have a mental disorder. I need to stop being someone I'm not and this year has been about embracing myself, faults and all (although introversion is not a fault by any means). I am learning to live with the challenges that being me entails.

19. You change what you can.
ABSOLUTELY!! If something isn't working and it can be changed, I try to chip away at it until I'm satisfied.

20. You are happy.
Well....I'm probably unhappy more than I'm happy, but now that I realize that it's beyond my control a lot of the time, a big weight has been lifted. Some days the depression takes over and I've learned to recognize it and try not to beat myself up. So my happy days are pretty incredible. I hold onto those when it happens and enjoy every second of it. Overall, things aren't so bad really.


So, life in the loony bin isn't a complete failure really. I've done a lot of things right, and the fact that I can recognize when I'm not doing such a good job has to have its merits.

Where are we all right now?
Working with my kids' struggles is a daily thing. My son will take one step forward and two steps back at school, but after discussing a lot of these issues with his teachers I think we're getting cut a little slack. However, I am looking into school alternatives for him. I think he'll be happier and more successful at a smaller school and I need to give him some options.  My daughter is in therapy and we've gone through all the diagnostic testing to see where her tummy troubles are coming from. It looks like her anxiety and stress are having very negative health consequences for her. Therapy is helping, but her emotional episodes are still frequent and exhausting.

As for me, I'm tired. Incredibly tired. It's the worst of the depression symptoms for me right now. I have a combination of insomnia and excessive sleepiness, so it's kind of a mess. Daily naps are my reality, and while a lot of people do like to poke fun at me for it, I honestly can't avoid the exhaustion. Some nights I have horrible insomnia. I will wake up several times a night, so my sleep is quite disrupted. After doing a bit of research I discovered that this is common during depression. Sucks. I know that the emotional exhaustion I feel when dealing with my daughter's episodes is manifesting itself physically.

Training, surprisingly, is going well, however. I'm not as fast as I once was, but I'm strong. My mileage base is deep. I'm recovering well from my long runs and running volume. It's one thing that I am in complete control of and it helps me mentally and physically to put my effort and passion into it. I truly enjoy training days and being around my running friends...they give me positive energy and I embrace it.

I feel a lot better after writing this. Life really is pretty good and all the crappy things will get better, I know it.

This is my heart

High needs.

That's not the label anyone would want to put on their child. But that's what I have to come to terms with. I have high needs children. And it has broken my heart as a mother.

Typing this is very difficult. I have many emotions and thoughts running through my head. My stress level is sky high. My kids and their dad and I are struggling every single day to figure this all out. The little girl still inside of me is feeling very, very lost. 

My son is a middle schooler who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, although we know this disorder has plagued him for years. This past week we added another official disorder to the mix. Anxiety disorder. What does this mean? It means treatment is beyond the scope of our family doctor and now we venture into the realm of specialists. We have choices on which route to take and we are weighing those choices. Just when you think you're making steps to help alleviate the symptoms of one disorder, something new pops up that completely overshadows the progress. The cry of my sweet pre-teen cuts through me and brings me to my knees in helplessness. 

My daughter is in fourth grade. For a very long time now we have known that her "issues" are not normal. People laugh and warn us "just wait until she's a teenager." Yes, she's a girl so she gets emotional and obstinate and difficult. I have blown off a lot of the misbehavior as merely being a product of her gender and age. But this year is different. I can't blow it off any longer. Something is seriously wrong and it's beyond my capabilities as a mother. She is defiant to an extreme level, she throws temper tantrums for hours, she cries at the smallest problem, she blames others for everything, she says very mean and hateful things to her parents and brother, she thinks life is unfair, she fails to listen to any kind of reasoning, and I believe these problems are now manifesting themselves in physical ailments like acid reflux and extreme insomnia. Just about every single day she displays these behaviors....for us. But rarely does she do any of this at school. On the flip side, she can be incredibly affectionate and loving and the majority of the time this is what she displays to the outside world. But home is different. This is where the rage comes in, and it's broken me as a mother. The worst part is that it's making my son's anxiety even worse. He can't deal with having a sister who treats him so poorly. 

I am in my own state of depression and anxiety and the stress with my children is preventing me from getting better. I want to be better, and I'm doing everything I can within my own power to improve my emotional problems. But I'm out of solutions and I need help. I am armed with the names of many different doctors and am lining up as much help as I can get.

Why am I writing all this out? Because I'm tired of hearing how wonderful my kids are and then feeling guilty for being so unhappy. Because I hate feeling like I have failed them and I need to know I'm not alone. Because I need a name for what is wrong with my daughter and I need to know how to fix it. Because I need people to understand why I had to quit my job and why I'm not sure if I'll be going back to work anytime soon. This has consumed my focus and it's unfair for others to depend on me right now. 

I created brilliant and wonderful children and I want to be a happy and content family unit. I love my children with every ounce of my being. But none of this is normal and it's not going to "pass" anytime soon. So if you think I seem distracted or distant or stressed....it's because I am. 

Admitting all of this feels good in a way. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything from my loved ones. But admitting it has also been incredibly difficult...the feeling of failure is ever present and putting it all out there makes me feel naked and vulnerable. I am not a perfect person nor am I a perfect parent. I've been dealt some crappy cards. I'll take it one step at a time trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.