25 years + an injury update + insecurities

I really miss having a running blog! But, alas, being an injured runner means I don't have a whole lot to say except that I seriously miss running and I wonder if I'll ever be able to run like I used to. It's pretty pathetic, honestly. But I'm taking this spine injury seriously and not doing anything to jeopardize my recovery. That means no running.....for a very very long time. More on that later in this post.

Instead, since this is my blog and I can write what I'm inspired by, be it running or life or health or faith or family, I'm shifting my focus to something that has nothing to do with running.

Today, I'm inspired by a significant milestone that just passed.

About a year ago, Greg and I marked 25 years engaged (February 21, 1998), and I wrote a blog post about what I had learned about Christian marriages through all the mistakes and triumphs during our time together. Going through the Bible and spending so many hours deeply thinking about how that applies to us and to society was therapeutic to me. I hope it also helped others to reassess where they were in their own marriages, reaffirming what they were doing well and also giving them pause on where they could improve. I've actually gone back and read through that post several times. It has helped me as Greg and I continue our marriage ministry at our church.

On May 8 we celebrated 25 years of marriage. The silver anniversary. A BIG FREAKING HUGE MILESTONE. We've been married for a quarter century, AN ENTIRE GENERATION. We got married in the 1900's, y'all!

And I'd marry him all over again. He is always who I would choose. 

We were in Seattle for our anniversary and enjoyed our few days there, checking out a restaurant we hadn't been to before (The Pink Door). In just a few short weeks we will be embarking on our Alaskan cruise to REALLY celebrate. 

25 roses

Spectacular place to see the northern lights

In the year since I wrote that blog post, and despite another year with us essentially living in two separate cities, I like to think that not only have we grown even closer (yes, that's possible even after nearly three decades together), but we have branched out and extended help to several couples through our church and in our personal lives. We have taken a hard look at where we have fallen short for each other, what we've done very well, and where we want to be. 

We are in this for life. Of that I have no doubts.

But a long marriage is not the the goal. Plenty of people have long marriages. More people need to have a long fulfilling marriage, and sadly I think that's lacking in society.

We want a THRIVING MARRIAGE. A marriage that isn't without conflict, but one that is so solid that despite conflict, we always find a way through it. We are honest, vulnerable, and safe for each other. We don't have to avoid hard conversations for fear of the repercussions. We have the hard conversations so we can be even closer. We have some form of intimacy daily, even when we are apart, but especially when we are together. 

Being married for a long time is great, but having true oneness in that long marriage is the absolute best. And it's never too late.

We won't settle for less, and if either one of us is falling short, we have to fix that. It took us both a really long time to truly understand that, to truly understand what a biblical covenant of marriage should look like. And yes, we go to marriage counseling a few times a year to make sure we don't screw this up. 

Our marriage today is the best it's ever been. 

The gratitude is immense and I'll never stop shouting from the rooftops how incredible this is. I'm not dumb enough to think it'll be smooth sailing, however. There will always be difficult moments that we will have to navigate. That's true in every relationship.

Helping to lead the marriage ministry at our church is not where I would've expected to end up, but it has been so fulfilling and we are looking forward to continuing our work there, and to hopefully expanding that into other service areas at church. The more I lean on my faith, the more I want to learn, and the more I want to spread the good news that can be found in surrendering to that faith. I know Greg feels the same way. 

One thing in my life of which I'm certainly more unsure is my spine injury. I'm seriously struggling if I'm going to be honest. I'm in physical therapy twice a week when I'm in town, and avoiding any impact exercises. But it's tedious and annoying to feel twinges of nerve pain and stiffness and to know that I still have a disc where it doesn't belong. I have sessions scheduled right up until I leave for Seattle and our cruise, and then we will see how long I need to continue to go to a professional. It won't be like when I had to rehab my shoulder (30 sessions!) but I'm nine sessions in so far. 

It's making me so weary and so sad some days. 

I miss running. I miss feeling that high, to come home from a great run to start my day on a positive note. There's just nothing like a good run and I'm trying to navigate what is going to replace that for the time being. I miss that community, too. I miss lifting heavy weights and feeling strong.

I miss running with Greg. He can't run very much due to a setback, and it weighs heavy on us both. In our game room in our home we have a wall dedicated to our medals and race posters and shadow boxes of special races like Boston, and as we looked at it last night it made us both a bit wistful. There are so many incredible memories on that wall, things that we accomplished together. I miss those moments...the goals, the journey, the time we spent together. I don't want all that to just be in our past. 

All of this feeds my insecurity and there are days that it wins out, unfortunately. It's hard enough being 50 years old now. My 40s were my decade of being in the best shape of my life, of feeling like there was no limit to what I could do....and now I'm navigating a new decade without being able to put my body to the test like before. It's not permanent, but I'm impatient. The journey of building fitness, of pushing my limits, of finding new adventures is just so fun, and it makes me feel so good about myself. How do I deal with these insecurities? I'm still trying to figure that out.

My body is trying to kill me

Welp. 

So where were we? I was getting help for a “pulled muscle” and hoping to get back to running so I could race a half marathon to celebrate my newfound AARP status. 

That didn’t go as planned.

My pulled muscle actually ended up being a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, plus three more bulging discs. The pain I was having became excruciating. It actually scared the shit out of me.

I did not see this coming at all.

While I’m so thankful I found the right doctors and got the scans I needed for an accurate diagnosis and I have a great physical therapist helping me get back to being a marathoner…..holy Jesus, this is hard as hell. I have had five PT appointments so far, and today we actually progressed to more impact and added weight to the exercises. Positive forward momentum is what I am hoping for!

So the herniated disc is the worst of it all, but it’s not the only thing. Do you have popcorn handy? I feel like we need popcorn.

I have started referring to myself as the most messed up healthy person out there, because while I've spent nearly two decades focused on being healthy, functional, strong, and "young for my age" (for crap's sake, I was a personal trainer!), I have entirely too many frustrating physical issues. For the third time in 3 years, I have been sidelined from running for an issue not even related to running. A herniated disc might not be as big of an issue as that damn busted rotator cuff from 2020, but it's a pretty big deal regardless, enough so that I have to take recovery really seriously and be dedicated to daily physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Coming back to running without nerve pain is going to be a huge endeavor. I'm tired of huge endeavors, you know?

Anyway.....a recap of my history unrelated to rotator cuffs and herniated discs to get up to speed on everything I've been dealing with the last few months....

In 2009, I was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis, which is a chronic immune system disease where white blood cells called eosinophils build up in the esophagus, creating strictures that can cause food to get stuck. It's a potentially deadly disease if left untreated, as you can choke to death due to the strictures. It can be triggered by allergens and acid reflux, of which I have both. I have actually had this disease my entire life, but didn't have a name for it. All I knew was that I could never swallow any pills other than tiny ones, and food often got stuck in my throat, causing spasms and an inability to swallow for hours at a time. I finally went to an ENT, who then referred me to a gastroenterologist. I had an upper endoscopy done, where my esophagus was actually stretched (and then repeated two months later) and I had an official diagnosis.

So all the people who made fun of me for never being able to swallow pills....screw you. I physically couldn't and not one doctor thought to look further into that. They all thought it was psychological. 

For the past 14 years, I've been on and off acid reducers, and have had several upper endoscopies done with my esophagus stretched each time. It was looking like I would need to repeat this process every two to three years for the rest of my life. I had come to terms that this was just the hand I was dealt, and I was thankful to always have great health insurance and the financial ability to continue to pay for the procedures. 

Late last year, however, I got hopeful news. My allergist mentioned a drug, Dupixent, that had just gotten approval to treat eosinophilic esophagitis and would be the very first drug that would treat the actual disease, and not just the symptoms. It's a drug that is typically used for eczema and asthma (basically, shit that happens when your body attacks itself), but had shown promising results of actually reducing the number of eosinophils in the esophagus. I was thrilled at the possibility of actually getting control of my disease vs. just managing it. I started the weekly injections in March (I inject myself...it's not so bad). 

My insurance was requiring me to get another upper endoscopy done (my last one was in November 2022), in order to see if the medication was working. It's an extremely expensive drug and I needed positive results. Right after being informed of needing to get this scheduled by January, I had an episode that landed me in the ER in September.

While on a walk in Seattle, I started having intense chest pains, had trouble taking deep breaths, and my heartrate skyrocketed. I made it back to the apartment, thankfully, but my distress was increasing rapidly, so much so that I had to call 911. I had no idea where an ER was and just needed help. I didn't know if it was my heart or something else, but the pain was rapidly increasing. I got to head to the ER in an ambulance....oh how fun (and embarrassing).

Virginia Mason Hospital in downtown Seattle took great care of me. I had EKGs, a cat scan, tons of blood work done, and I got to rest a bit. The pain decreased but never dissipated completely. I had some scar tissue that showed up in my lungs (probably from my recent bout of Covid) and they could tell I had eosinophilic esophagitis, but nothing was totally alarming. It basically all pointed to a major acid reflux attack. I needed to chill out and go see my gastroenterologist for an upper endoscopy, which got scheduled for December 15. In the meantime, I needed to again be on an acid reducer in the hopes my stomach issues resolved themselves. I had a several more weeks of constant stomach pain but eventually it did substantially dissipate. 

Unfortunately I had one more intense physical ailment that scared the crap out of me before I had the opportunity to have my procedure. On December 4, while in Seattle (why does this city try to kill me?), I had a very sudden, very unexpected allergic reaction. About two hours after I had eaten, and right after an easy elliptical workout (during which I felt like absolute crap), I felt my bottom lip start to tingle. Within minutes, I could tell it was starting to swell. It very quickly reached an alarming level and I did a video visit with Teledoc. The doctor was concerned enough to tell me to head to the ER as it could move to my throat and cause anaphylaxis. 

Ever taken an Uber to the ER? I have!!

Greg met me at the ER (it's only a half mile from his office), and they saw me very quickly. At that point it wasn't getting any worse (the two Benadryl I had taken as soon as it started finally kicked in) but I needed to be monitored for about two hours to be sure it didn't spread. They got me set up by the nurse's station to hang out, I sent Greg back to work, and I got settled in to hope the swelling dissipated and I could just go home. People pay good money to get lip filler to look as ridiculous as me and I really don't understand that at all. 

While I was there, I got to witness a drug overdose, someone convulsing, someone vomiting in front of me, a screamer, a drunk lady in very bad shape (doctor quote: "were you drinking to celebrate or because you're really sad right now?"), and a dude on drugs who threw his shoes at the nurses next to me. Downtown Seattle on a Monday afternoon is pretty exciting, people.

My lip finally reduced in size within two hours, and they gave me even more meds, so I was ready to head back home. I even made it to Greg's work event on our rooftop that night for a little while, although I was drowsy from the drugs and didn't stay long. 

Now, mind you, this is all happening while I'm trying to do physical therapy for my back. Frankly, I'm getting tired of all this shit. I want a normal week in the life of a healthy Steph. Too much to ask?

So now we are at December 15, I have eliminated some things from my diet so I don't have another allergic reaction, and I am ready for my procedure to check on my esophagus and my stomach. It all went very smoothly, I even let Greg videotape me coming out of anesthesia because I was damn hilarious (Me: "can they give me more drugs?", Greg: "maybe we can get some to go!", me: "that's illegal. It killed Michael Jackson"....intriguing stuff right there). And now for the first bit of positive news in a really long time....

The drugs are working! Dupixent is actually REDUCING the eosinophils in my throat, it looks great, there's no sign of the gastritis that likely prompted September's ER visit, and I can continue taking the medication and don't need to see my gastroenterologist until June. It was honestly the absolute best case scenario.

After several months of frustrating ailments that seemed to keep happening one after another, this was welcome news! 

I know that some of my gastrointestinal struggles likely stem from chronic emotional stress. It's been a challenging couple of years and our routine as a family has taken a bit of a beating. As much as I try to manage my stress, I've had several bouts of being "too" stressed, it's affected my body and my frustration has increased. I need to continue to find ways to practice gratitude, to pray, to look for the positive, and to center myself. There are so many things that have been out of my control, but I am the only one in charge of my reactions to what life throws at me, and I need to better own that and to look for ways to steer my life in a better direction when I can. 

There are so many things to look forward to in 2024....starting with a 50th birthday trip to Napa with Greg, my in-laws, and some friends next month. Knowing that I'm physically healthier on some fronts, and working towards being more physically functional (and a marathoner again!) definitely reduces my anxiety. I don't want to get stuck in the funk...I want to LIVE. 

New Year New You?

 I hate New Year's Resolutions. They're cheesy. They don't stick. And why wait until a new year to make a change you know needs to happen?

But here I am, knowing I need to do SOMETHING in this new year.

I'm 14+ months out from my horrible shoulder surgery. Physically I'm fine. Mentally, I'm messed up. That injury and surgery, followed by a hip problem and personal life stress really put me through the wringer in 2021. I just couldn't get a good grasp on it.

I ran my 17th marathon on December 12 and while it was much slower than my personal bests, it was a fairly consistent effort. I was weak, however, and I don't like how that felt. Come to find out that I got Covid while on our trip and got very ill right after the race. This virus messed with my respiratory system for three weeks. Probably didn’t help that I depleted my body’s defenses in a marathon. I got everyone else in my family, including my mom, sick as well. I backed out of my January marathon, after first downgrading to the half. I had to throw in the towel when the virus wouldn't go away.

I'm not very pleased with how my training cycle went. I know I bit off more than I could chew and I tried adjusting when I knew I needed to. I struggled to come to terms with my new limitations and my slower pace. I didn't do everything I could have to fix these things, and for that I'm quite regretful. I'm usually stronger and more motivated than that and it's frustrating to see so much weakness creep into my life and training. 

I suppose a lot of this is understandable. I'm struggling with coming to terms with this "pandemic" and the continued failed response to it. I don't have the stomach for tyranny and I'm sickened by the mental toll this has all taken on society, particularly on our kids....including my own. I'm exhausted. A really smart man I follow on social media said everything lately was "hyberbolic, partisan, exaggerated, and exhausting" and he definitely accurately described it. I just want a break for our country. So yeah, it's hurting me in many ways and that has creeped into my passions and I'm frankly pissed off.

So now that my training cycle is over (which coincides with the new year), it's time for me to take stock of how it went. What worked? What definitely didn't work? What do I need to do more of? Less of? What's holding me back? How do I fix that?

I ordered a training log/journal and am excited to receive it and start writing in it. I'm brainstorming in my head in the meantime on what I need to do right now before I even think of a new training cycle.

First....MORE STRENGTH TRAINING

Once I was done with physical therapy sessions, I let this slide. I did the bare minimum and as my mileage increased, the strength training decreased. Big mistake. This MUST be a priority. So for the next few months, I'll be strength training at least 3 times per week.

Second....SPEED WORK

I obviously did a lot of speedwork in my marathon training, but I want to focus on shorter and faster sessions rather than so much marathon and half marathon paced work. I think that combined with more strength training will set me up well for my next training cycle. 

Third....FIND PURPOSE ELSEWHERE

This is kind of hard to describe. I'm feeling a bit like I'm flailing around in the world, without a definitive place for myself. My husband is our provider, my kids are both in school, my son is figuring out his future after college....they all have a specific PLACE. I don't have a career at the moment, something that is intentional for our family, but it does also mean that I struggle with how I can feel purposeful. Without purpose, we can quickly lose ourselves. I know that I am important to my family....there are a lot of things that I provide that help them in their own endeavors that are not tied to money or work or school. But it's not very tangible and that bugs me some days. I'd like to better define my purpose....yes, that seems very obscure and open-ended, but it's the best way I can describe it right now. This doesn't directly align with training as it does with just being a more well-rounded person, in a way strengthening my mind as much as I'm strengthening my body.

Fourth...PRIORITIZE SLEEP AND RECOVERY

Simply put....I didn't get enough sleep. Since my marathon and my illness, I've been sleeping upwards of 9 hours per night and my body is still craving that level of sleep, so apparently I needed it. 

Fifth...BETTER MEAL PREP

I typically do eat very well, and I'm particular about ingredients. But when I spend just a little extra time meal planning and prepping the week tends to go better for me physically and mentally. When I am fueling regularly and properly, it comes out positively in my mood and my training. I have the time....I just need to prioritize that time.

I think this is a good start to getting a handle on getting out of my physical and mental funk. Baby steps leads to big gains, as long as we are consistent and intentional! 

A Little March Update

I've alluded to the fact in Instagram that it's been a difficult month so far, even more so than what's going on globally. I took a break from Facebook for Lent, and it's probably for the best with all the craziness. I'm pretty sure social media + semi-quarantine are not a good mix, especially when it comes to Facebook and the overabundance of opinions spewed on that platform. 

Life took a turn for the extra difficult and our family is working to navigate it. It seems to be a pattern, but if you've endured any kind of mental illness in yourself or a loved one, then you know that there is nothing normal or serene about it. You could have a great couple months, and then your world turns upside down on a dime. Welcome to my reality. I never know when it's going to hit and when it does, sometimes it's particularly bad. We are navigating as best we can, but right now, the stress is threatening to do me in. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this amount of stress. I'm helpless and exhausted.

Add on top of that the fear and uncertainty with COVID-19, and our anxiety is compounded. I know it's a temporary disruption in our lives, but it's still difficult. At first I wasn't so concerned with my immediate little family contracting the virus, but then I remembered that technically I am part of the compromised community. While I have it relatively under control, I have asthma. It's impossible to know how a virus like this could affect me. It could be mild, like when I had the flu a couple years ago, or it could hit me hard. I'd really rather not find out. Because of this, I'm very much trying not to go out in public. I'm still running (although avoiding water fountains and public bathrooms if at all possible), and I will likely still make quick trips to the grocery store, and I have appointments that are vital, but I want to avoid as many people as I can. I don't have a huge problem with this. I'm an introvert, so alone time is not a burden. I have a big house project I'm working on so it gives me free time to work on it. 

Without any races coming up (which is a little weird), I don't have a set training plan. But I want to continue to run 5 or 6 days a week for the mental health therapy. I think it's so important for me to start my day doing something good for myself. With so many things out of control around me, I need to grab onto this part of my life and hold on. If I had to quarantine and be forced to not go outside, it could really really suck. Stair repeats, anyone? I don't own a treadmill!

I have been thinking the last couple days of our blessings. There are a lot of people out there truly scared about how this world has changed...they can't afford physically and/or financially to get sick, they don't know what to do if they can't work and they need to work to get paid, they don't know what to do if their kids' schools close because they don't have childcare available. I am lucky that this isn't my reality....very very lucky and I never want to take that privilege for granted. When people harp on businesses and the government about taking so long to shut down public areas/schools/businesses, etc, we all have to understand that while that might not greatly affect US, there are millions of people out there who will most definitely be impacted and their plight needs to be taken into account. I do not envy those in charge of these decisions and I'm very much impressed with the vast amount of work these people are doing right now. I can't fathom their exhaustion. 

Show grace and be kind. 

We also need to understand that while the cancellation of a certain event or trip might seem meaningless, it's still a big loss to some people. Much of our joy is derived from our extracurricular activities or watching pro sports or traveling and all of those things are an awesome escape from work and the stressful parts of life. Most of that is gone right now and for the foreseeable future, and it's going to eat away at us eventually. We are going to crave something outside our homes. So it's okay to feel that loss. But it, too, shall pass. 

So again, I say to be kind and show grace.

We had an event upcoming at the end of March that I was looking forward to that was just cancelled. My son, my firstborn baby, accepted admission to the University of Texas in Tyler and will begin his freshman year there in the fall. Later this month we were planning to visit the campus for a all-day tour and information session. I've never been to Tyler and I'm so nervous about sending off my kid to college, so this day was a big one for us. I'm sure we will get an opportunity to visit before he moves there in August, but it is still a big bummer. On a positive note, I'm so proud of my kid for getting accepted into the UT system. He will be transferring to Austin after freshman year and graduate a Longhorn, which was his ultimate college choice. A big positive in our lives, for sure. 

Please be aware when you are out in public, that there are so many people who need you to stay healthy and not spread this virus further. Don't galavant around with no thought for others. 

Work together every day to make this better. 

Coming to a close

Now that I have time to breathe and think about something other than marathon training, I've been thinking a lot about the rest of my personal life. I have stepped back a bit from disclosing our struggles, as we navigate how we should be handling them.

But I feel like we got a really big win this week and I want to share it.

My daughter (she's nearly 15) has been in therapy continuously for almost 4 years. She was in therapy with a counselor at nine years old for a few months, but then there was a big gap before we found a psychotherapist. Since that time, she also came under the care of a psychiatrist and then started group DBT therapy in August of this year after a particularly difficult summer.

Recently, she had a huge relapse. It frightened us and confused us and made us take a step back on where we needed her therapy and medical interventions to go. It took a couple of months, and many many appointments between all three therapists. When I mentioned it was kind of a miracle I ever made it to my marathon start line in one piece, I wasn't kidding. I was worn down. But I used training as my own therapy and distraction from the emotionally exhausting things we were encountering as parents.

On Tuesday, she "graduated" from psychotherapy. After more appointments and money than I can even fathom, we left that appointment without making her next appointment. As of right now, we don't "need" to and can have this therapist on stand-by for any future needs, should they arise. I actually cried as we were leaving. Her therapist has become more than just a "doctor." She's been my daughter's savior, and ours, and I genuinely love her as a person. I will greatly miss her, although thankful that if I'm missing her it means it's because my daughter is doing well.

When you have a baby, never in your wildest imagination do you think you'll have to send your child to therapy for years on end. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and it has been continuous for YEARS. It wasn't just a fluke bad spell she went through. She has struggled for so long that I don't really remember what it's like to NOT struggle. I still hesitate to put this out there, but I know that by sharing our struggles, it can make another parent maybe not feel so alone if they are also struggling.

I am constantly hurting for my girl, and angry, and exhausted, and confused, and completely unsure if I'm ever doing the right thing for her. I have to employ a tremendous amount of strength to not fall apart myself, and there have been times this year when I honestly thought I simply couldn't do it anymore. I have broken down more times than I can count, have cried more than I ever thought possible.

I am still terrified that the other shoe will drop, however. Absolutely terrified. When she calls or texts me from school, my immediate thought before I've even read the text or answered the phone is that something has happened and she's having a panic attack and needs me. I can't shake this impulse of mine to assume the worst, because there have been so many times where she has contacted me in a complete panic and meltdown. I still have to walk on eggshells with her, even though I know it's not helpful, because I don't want any reaction of mine to send her into a tailspin. I don't want to say the wrong thing or to be too tough as a parent. Balancing discipline with her emotional needs is probably never going to be something I get perfectly accurate, but I keep trying.

I have a phenomenal daughter. She is more compassionate than anyone I know, she is so strong in her convictions, and she genuinely loves people and wants to be the best friend and person she can be. She's wildly talented artistically and musically and I'm constantly in awe of what she can create. She's beautiful inside and out. I'm so in love with her character and so proud when I look at her that she is an extension of me. Her face is angelic and her smile lights up every room she's in.

I just wish her mental struggles would dissipate completely, that everyday stresses that we all encounter wouldn't debilitate her. It's getting better, it will always get better, and I feel so relieved when she handles unexpected disruptions in stride rather than being immobilized by them. She has a beautiful future, I know she does.

So I'm taking some deep breaths as we head into our winter break. I'm showing her as much love and attention as I can and reminding her of all her successes and strengths.

This year wasn't what I envisioned it would be. I had some huge highs and personal successes, but they were so difficult to truly enjoy because there were these other struggles that took over my thoughts on a daily basis, there was a tremendous amount of stress that I carried throughout my entire body, and rarely could I let it go completely and relax. I am truly thankful for my partner in crime. His job is so demanding and he works insane hours and is on calls with the other side of the world (or is ON the other side of the world!) at all hours, and yet he does everything humanly possible to take care of his family, to support me in my crazy endeavours, and joins me as I travel around the country running too many miles and spending all his money. We get closer every year and appreciate the little things with each other. When I am with him, he somehow magically makes most of my stress disappear. Just this past weekend, he took me on an impromptu weekend trip to Hollywood, Florida, so we could stay in the new Hard Rock Guitar Hotel and enjoy a Bret Michaels concert and Criss Angel show and spend hours just laying at the pool without a care in the world. It was incredibly refreshing and I wouldn't want to spend a weekend like that with anyone else. My kids are so lucky they got him as a dad. His love is endless for all three of us.

It's crazy for me to think that we are in our twilight of parenting years. Our son will be graduating from high school and starting his adult life, and our daughter will be finding her own independence as she continues in high school and gains even more maturity. Next year will be a huge transition. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to tackle.

Hold your babies tight!

Why do I love this?

I know that people probably don't understand me, and why I'm passionate about certain things, why certain things are really important to me.

And that's fine.

The beauty in our world lies in our uniqueness. If we were all alike, it would be pretty boring and we'd never learn anything new. So it's okay to not understand me, or not share my passions, or even care about my passions.

But I still like to talk about them. I still like to share them. As a matter of fact, I LOVE talking about what's important to me and why.

Finding out that I truly loved the journey of training for and running marathons was a huge surprise to me. If you had told me 15 years ago that I would be doing this as a hobby and a form of staying healthy and fit, I'd have laughed at you. I hated running, or so I thought.

Funny how when you give something weird or different a chance, you find out so much about yourself that you never even knew or understood.

First, it's always been important to me to be healthy. I have had fits and starts but for the most part, I've always taken very good care of myself. I want to be that 75 year old grandma who doesn't slow down or need assistance to do anything. I don't want my age or health to take control of me, ever. So it's really no surprise that I found a routine that works for me and keeps me healthy. It's not just running....I also make sure my nutrition is 95% good. What you put in your body is vitally important to health, just as exercise, as we all know. If it wasn't running, it certainly could've been something else equally good for me.

So why running? Well, it was easy to get started, it was easy to find running partners, and there were races all over the place to keep me motivated. It didn't cost a lot of money or require any fancy equipment or gym memberships. It was natural. We were meant to run and move our bodies.

Over the past 12 years, running has certainly evolved for me. After my sister passed away from obesity-related complications of flu and lupus in 2009, it spurred me on even more to remain healthy and inspire others to be healthy. It hurts deeply to see so many people in this world be flippant with their health. That would never be me, and I wanted to show others that it didn't have to be them either.

I learned as much as I could about running and proper training. I started running marathons in 2009 but it was more as a hobby and I didn't really push myself much to get better at it. I was much more successful at shorter distances, winning age group awards here and there, but I was very fearful of racing a marathon. "Jogging" one was much less daunting and for the majority of my 12 marathons up to 2017, that's what I did. I "jogged" them. Oh but trust me, they hurt regardless, however.

Well, I frankly got sick and tired of allowing my fear to take over and keep me from taking the marathon distance seriously. I also had allowed some other medical issues to wreak havoc on my wellbeing and in 2017 I was done with that crap. Things were changing.

Enter this crazy plan I hatched to qualify for the Boston Marathon. What a perfect way to face my fear head on. A perfect way to find out just how tough I was, how I could cultivate discipline and confidence and commitment that would hopefully spill out into other parts of my life.

Trying to get better....scratch that....trying to get GOOD at the marathon distance became my passion.

Now, "good" is relative. Boston qualifying standards are relative to your age and gender, so as a soon-to-be 45 year old woman, I had the benefit (I like to think of it as benefit) of having a reasonable qualifying standard of 3:55 (at the time, but has since changed to 3:50 for 2020). That's 8:58 pace. Not a scary pace for me normally, but scary as hell for 26.2 miles straight.

There were so many stressors in other areas of my life that often threatened to take me down. My daughter has gone through years of mental health hell, my son is a genius who lacks discipline, the country is full of people acting out in childish ways against each other, and I was getting burned out by all of it. Finding something that I could put my laser focus on, that would make me feel fantastic about myself, of which I could be in control, seemed ideal. Finding a newfound confidence in something I was fearful of was bound to help me in all other areas of my life.

This passion was sure making a whole lot of sense to me!

So therefore, the Boston Marathon, and being able to run it in 2019, became so important to me. But like with most things in life, it didn't exactly go as planned. I qualified in my 13th marathon....sort of. If the course hadn't been mismarked, it would've been an official qualification. But since it was not, I had to do everything in my power to put that aside and try again. Talk about FEAR. But I did and by a whole lot of luck, I was on the winning side of the nasty 4:52-under-BQ cut off.

I got to run the Boston Marathon and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be.

Boston is not a big deal at all for so many people. Pretty much every time they toe the line at a marathon, they qualify and it's relatively easy for them. There are a lot of people out there who don't know anything BUT a BQ, it's that "easy" for them. So getting into Boston is an annual thing for them. Year after year. Those people are beasts. Some understand how lucky they are, some blow it off as no big deal and don't get why people put so much energy into it.

That is not me at all. Just because I've made it there once does not guarantee I'll do it again. I certainly didn't come close to a qualifying time at Boston this year. I was what you would call a "squeaker." A BQ is the exception, not the rule, for me.

And that's why it's so important to me, why it was such a big deal to me that I got to run that race, why I will use that standard every time I run a marathon. It's HARD for me to run a 3:50. It's not a given. It's something I have to work hard for and fight for with every step, making it that much sweeter and more rewarding when it happens.

So when you think I'm out of my mind for making this one race so important, understand that it's not just about running a marathon. It's about facing my fears, cultivating discipline, becoming a better version of me, never taking health for granted, overcoming obstacles, and developing mental and physical strength that transcends the marathon.

That is why I love this distance. It's simply perfect for me.

Control

As I was finishing up my last blog post, another topic formed in my mind that I feel the need to write out and work through. In case you haven't noticed, my mind works in overdrive sometimes and having this blog is a great way to dissect these thoughts.

I talked a bit about how important it is for me to focus on the things I can control in my life. I have so many things that are total crapshoots for me on a daily basis that without something concrete to focus on, I'd literally lose my mind.

For starters, my kids. Oh, my darling kids. Mind you, I love them with all of my being. I think they have incredible minds, incredible talents, and with a bit of direction, are really going places in this world. But parenting them is far more difficult than I ever envisioned. They are smart as can be, so I thought school would be a breeze for them.

Nope.

They have a ton of talent...my son is a computer whiz and my daughter is fully immersed in the arts - she can sing like nobody's business and her artistic talent is being fine tuned on a daily basis. So of course, they'd be super focused on success because of this, right?

Nope.

It's frustrating. That's putting it mildly. Actually, it absolutely kills me. It stresses me out like nothing else in my life that they always manage to find a way to get distracted, to not care, to perform less than they know they're capable of. I have absolutely no control over this, and I refuse to be a helicopter parent no matter how much the school pushes me to micro-manage them. I've spent years trying to find a balance between guiding them, hovering over them, harping on them, and talking about it until I'm blue in the face, while forcing them to take control of it themselves, to be responsible, and to allow them to fail and learn a lesson. I can't do the work for them, I can't force them to care, I can merely guide them and support them. Basically, it's totally out of my control and my mind wrestles with this on a daily basis.

So that's my kids for you. I don't have control over what they choose to care about or on what they focus their attention, but I have control over accepting them for who they are and supporting all their successes and their failures.

My kids are only a part of the uncertainty that surrounds me on a daily basis. There are so many things that I struggle with personally, and find difficulty in controlling. I have come to accept many of these variables, however, but it was a long process.

First, mental health. For a very long time I was unaware that I suffered from depression and anxiety and that it was an actual disorder that I would be struggling with for the rest of my life. I always viewed my "bouts" with depression and anxiety as just that....temporary bouts. It wasn't until a few years ago, that, after discussing it at length with my doctor, I was found to be clinically depressed and suffering from a legitimate anxiety disorder. Temporary fixes wouldn't make it go away. I would always have to be proactive about treatment and I could not be complacent. I'm so thankful for the counselor that I found who worked with me in those early days to come to terms with this problem and find ways to reset my mind. I'm thankful for my doctor for taking me seriously and then opening my eyes to reality, and spending time reworking my medication so I finally found one that my body could tolerate long term.

Anyone who suffers from mental health disorders understands just how significant all these steps are. I have accepted that this who I am, I have a husband who supports me daily and understands when it's just "not my day...or my week" and doesn't make me feel guilty about it, and I continue to find ways to battle through the dark times without giving in to that darkness.

I do not have control over my diagnoses, but I have control over how I let it run my life.

Next, the negativity in the world. I gotta be honest here. I think the way people have treated each other in the last couple years...publicly...is just insane. It's disgusting and unnecessary and it shows a complete lack of character. The name calling, the lack of common sense, the lack of decency, the inability to really think about what they're saying and doing. It blows my mind. I can't control what other people think or do or say, but I certainly don't have to join them in their immaturity and irrational behavior. It's forced me to remove people from my life (trust me, I only did this after a lot of soul searching), and to avoid some people, and to keep my mouth shut about many things. I want to be known for my compassion and grace, not for being a raging bitch when I don't agree with someone. So I've quieted my mind and my mouth. It's truly a freeing experience.

Lastly, let's talk about physical health. I am a healthy person...mostly. However, what isn't so obvious on the outside is that I do suffer from many physical ailments, and my family medical history is downright frightening. I have asthma, eosinophilic esophagitis and dysphagia, and scoliosis. My family has suffered with countless bouts of cancer, high blood pressure and cholesterol, and diabetes. I sometimes feel like I'm on borrowed time because I've not yet experienced anything truly life threatening. My disorders are incredibly frustrating at times, however. I had hoped in the last year to put myself as a priority and work on a better solution to my gastrointestinal issues, but because of my family's medical woes in the last year and the astronomical amount of money we were spending on that, I had to put myself on the backburner. I really need to get treatment again (surgery or meds? both? not sure). I finally said enough is enough and I scheduled doctor appointments with a new team of doctors after I was dissatisfied with my last one. That appointment is on Monday and I'm optimistic that I will see relief soon. It's been a long time coming and it was time to put myself first. With regards to my asthma, thankfully, with the weight loss and more focused marathon training last year, I feel like I've made big strides with improvement and better control of my asthma. I didn't have any real trouble with it. However, my allergies that lead to asthma issues need to be addressed in a more permanent manner. I finally scheduled the appointment I will need to begin allergy shots. It's a huge commitment but it was time I stopped putting it off. The scoliosis? Yeah, that's not exactly going away, and because of the imbalance it creates in my lower body, I have to be extra diligent with physical therapy exercises and weight lifting to keep my imbalance from causing running injuries.

My family medical history is probably one of the biggest motivators to me taking charge of my physical health. I can't control genetic predispositions to anything, but I can still do whatever I can to fight off other preventable diseases. I refuse to be limited by things that I am 100% in control over, and when I've seen things start to go sideways I always try to right the ship by putting more focus and effort into nutrition and exercise. To people on the outside, I seem obsessed. I really don't care. I know how devastating preventable illnesses can be and if it's something I can control, well, then that's what I'm going to do. I have a lot of plans for the present and the future and I don't want any limitations.

I guess the moral of the story is that when you're feeling completely overwhelmed by things outside your control, sometimes what can bring you back from the abyss is finding those things that you CAN control and putting more focus into those. It can be something small, or many small things, or something big. But there is always something that is within your control. Taking hold of that can help you reset your mind and bring a bright spot into what can many times be a very dark and dreary time.

Instincts

I suppose this blog post is going to be a bit of a PSA. If it sounds preachy, I'm sorry. If I sound angry, I guess I kind of am a little bit.

If you feel like something is not right with either you or your children, physically or mentally, listen to your instincts and get help.

One of two things will happen...either you can rule out anything major OR you can find out your gut was right and take the steps to make things better. Just get help.

If your friends or loved ones express concern about anything with their family, BE SUPPORTIVE.

Don't tell them it's just a phase.

Don't tell them to look on the bright side.

And whatever you do, don't laugh it off.

Their fears may be completely justified.

Obviously, I speak from experience. My family's mental health journey continues to evolve and take turns that will take all of my strength and attention. My parenting instincts were right in thinking that "this just isn't normal behavior," even at puberty. Yes, there is drama, yes there is disrespect, yes there are tears. The issues of a pre-teen or teenager are very real and very difficult, different than toddler or elementary age problems, but typically problems on a bigger scale....this is all true. But I know what's normal and what is not normal.

MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT.

The journey to professional help began two years ago, when I had to quit my job to focus on helping our daughter, but it hasn't been a consistent journey. After a few months of counseling sessions, I believed that perhaps we could deal with the issues that my daughter faced and we discontinued counseling. Over the next year-plus, things continued to get worse and worse until we finally had to face the reality that we needed serious professional help for her. Over the last 10 weeks she has been in psychotherapy. But even then, we knew it went even beyond this.

WE WERE RIGHT. The journey continues on a new path and it will be something that she has to deal with potentially for her entire life. 

Considering my own mental health struggles I guess I should not be surprised by this. But I am angry and frustrated.

We have been told by those around us that "she's a girl," "she's a pre-teen," and they are "difficult" at that age. That she will outgrow this. Or to "just wait...it gets even worse!" followed by a laugh or two. Probably all true statements, but it completely invalidates our concern and need for support.

My husband and I have doubted ourselves so many times over the last two years. Thank God we walked into the psychologist's office and were told that this is not normal and she was there to help us and our daughter. She validated every single thought we've had and has been there to help us make sense of it all.

We begin today processing everything we believe to now be true, to finding a new path, and to helping our daughter (and our son, who struggles dealing with our household issues on a daily basis) to lead a happy and balanced life.

I am so angry about all of this. I am so frustrated that we were dealt this bad hand in life. I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I'm trying to let go of those selfish feelings, but for now they are real.

If you have a friend or family member going through a very real and very scary struggle, be supportive.

Be patient.

Be forgiving.

If you have not dealt with mental health struggles in your immediate family then you can't truly know what it means. If you do not have children of your own, then you can't know what this is like. I would never presume to know how it is to live with something I have no first-hand knowledge of. I know I've done it, however, and for that I'm sorry. But what you can do is be a listening ear if someone needs it. People always need a friend. If you have "the greatest kids ever," embrace just how lucky you are.

I know that in the face of all of this, my husband and I need to take care of ourselves as well. The stress is very overwhelming at times and we need our outlets for that stress. I take medication for my anxiety, and I use exercise to help cope. I will always need that. But I'm also cutting myself a lot of slack by resting as much as I can. I'm looking forward to a summer spent in my backyard, enjoying what we've built and created and using it for stress therapy. I wish I could just run away from all of it sometimes but parents don't get that choice. We must face what's given to us head on.

Adulting is Hard

Back when I was a little girl I used to fantasize about what being an adult would mean, how much fun it would be, how I'd have such a great little family, and I just couldn't wait to be grown up.

Oh, man.

Can I go back to being six years old, please, living in our adorable home in California, with my awesome parents and sister and our cocker spaniel, George?

Shit.

I feel like all I do is complain right now. About everything. I'm sure it's annoying as hell to some people, but it's where I'm at right now. I'm sure some people don't understand what I could possibly be complaining about. Well....trust me, there's plenty. My last blog post was fairly positive and it was only eight days ago.....it's amazing what can happen in eight days.

Picture this....you take a stack of little blocks and put one on top of the other until it grows very tall. Eventually, those blocks will tip over and crash. Now imagine each of those little blocks represents a minor problem. Stack up a bunch of minor problems and then they grow into one big tall tower, until it gets to be too much and everything just crashes.

I think my tower of blocks crashed on Sunday.

However, some of my blocks aren't so little.

Over the course of the last couple years, my little problems stacked up. In the last couple months, they've been stacking up at a rapid rate. Maybe any of one of them examined separately doesn't seem like such a big deal, but like I said....they aren't separate at all.

Everything keeps breaking. If you are a homeowner you understand that shit gets expensive. Replacing a dishwasher, a microwave, a garage door, and an A/C unit, A DAMN CAR, and repairing plumbing leaks might not seem so bad IF IT WAS JUST ONE OR TWO of those. But throw them all in, and then some, in less than a year and holy freaking cow.

My health had gone downhill. Now, mind you, none of it is a huge problem. After all, I don't have cancer or any other life threatening illnesses, as do some of my friends. But any kind of health problem can be alarming and overwhelming regardless of severity.

I became injured. Not such a big deal to those who don't have a regular exercise routine. But it is a big deal for a woman who is trying to defeat a terrible family history and who uses exercise as a coping strategy for depression and anxiety.

This is a great representation of how dejected I feel about my fitness. My climb out of injury has been torturous.

Speaking of mental illness, I had to stop taking my usual medication. The withdrawal was excruciating for over two weeks.

I have to seek treatment for another medical condition, and although I did get good news about it last week, there is still a small chance of surgery in my very near future. In the meantime, I have to take yet another medication.

(Also, don't get me started on my medical insurance and the hassles I have had to deal with this year just to get an MRI and my prescriptions filled. Ain't nobody got time for that.)

My dog died. I suppose this one is a big block. She was thirteen years old and it was not expected that we would be putting her down.

Now the blocks are going to get even bigger....

My kids. Oh, my kids.

I have one son who has ADHD, and while we have been able to control much of his symptoms, he still has his moments of forgetfulness and insensitivity that can be directly related to how his brain is wired. I get phone calls and emails from school that break my heart. Thankfully, he is developing maturity pretty rapidly and he and I can have some really wonderful conversations that I cherish.

As for my daughter, I will say this is my biggest block and the reason that the whole tower came tumbling down. I will not go into a lot of detail, because frankly, the details need to remain private. But imagine your child's typical outburst. Now multiply it by ten. Now imagine half your life in the bubble of that outburst. But let me be very clear...

It is not because she is a pre-teen.

It is not because of school.

It is not because "this is just how kids are."

She needs professional help to deal with how her brain is working. It will not go away on it's own. She will not necessarily "outgrow it."

Seeking that help and letting the gravity of it sink in is how I came to my feelings on Sunday. Perhaps I hit rock bottom. It's pretty ugly to feel that despondent. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So what have I done to lessen the stress?

I have exactly ONE commitment right now. ONE. I let everything else go. I literally have no room in my mind for more than one commitment. It means I have disappointed people, I'm sure, but I had to put myself and my family first. Simple as that. Take it or leave it. Hopefully most of my friends understand.

I unfortunately have lashed out here and there. I don't have the ability to control a lot of my emotions right now. I cry all the time. I get easily frustrated. I just have no patience. The bear can't handle being poked right now. At all.

I do not want to continue feeling this way. Writing it out like this has helped, and I'll continue to use this as an outlet for my feelings. Blogs don't talk back. Blogs don't have advice. I don't need any of that. I just need to process my feelings and move forward one step at a time.

One thing I do take from all of this. Just because someone's problems don't seem all that big, they ARE big to them. You don't know what else they are dealing with. If you're feeling down about something, stop telling yourself "well, at least I don't have a REAL problem."

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE REAL TO YOU.

Race Weekend

I've had so many mixed emotions and thoughts regarding the See Jane Run Austin Half Marathon coming up on Sunday, that I figured I should just get it out on the blog....you know, the blog I totally suck at updating regularly.

I know my training has gone pretty well considering it was all pretty much done during the absolute worst summer ever (and that's not exaggerating).  I did a lot of running inside, which is still warm and uncomfortable, but I also did several long runs outside. The only blip in my training that has me a little worried (besides the stupid tendinitis) is the fact that I was sick and unable to do a double digit run for over 2 weeks, first with a stomach virus, and then with a respiratory illness. I had nearly 3 weeks between long runs (although I did have a couple 6 milers in between that I suppose count for something).  My mileage was definitely lacking. The good news is that my recent long runs have felt pretty great.

We previewed the course last weekend and it's HILLY.  I'm not really all that scared of hills, but I also haven't really trained on any this summer. I know how to tackle them without them totally hurting me and I just need to remember that on race day. The course is also totally ghetto. Absolute bummer on that one. In a city as awesome as Austin, it disappoints me that the race directors could not secure a more scenic route, especially for a women's race. I need to remember while running the race that after 10 miles the scenery improves significantly....winding through a more well-kept neighborhood with a tree canopy, and then into a new neighborhood and park for the finish.

The weather is another bone of contention for me. It won't be particularly hot, certainly not hotter than what I'm used to training in, but I have to admit I was really looking forward to some cooler temps for this. We've had a few recent weekends that have been perfect weather-wise - upper 50s, low 60s, and just really nice. It will start out in the low 70s for this race, but not likely get any hotter, so that's good. Plus there will likely be rain, which is good and bad. Good because it will mean cloud cover and cooling off when the rain pelts us, but bad because it will be humid. We've had some dry conditions lately, so humidity is tough. Thank God for my inhaler.

Conditions aside, I'm just nervous in general. I have not had a great race in a very long time. I have a total mental block on race day. It's just tough for me to believe it's going to be good. I just want to feel strong the entire race, finish time irrelevant. I want to have faith in my training and that I am perfectly capable of duplicating the success of my long runs. If I can finish at 10 minute pace but feel great then that is success. I'd prefer a sub 9:30 pace, but I don't want to totally hurt to get there. My absolute stretch goal? A sub-2 hour finish. But I realize that in warmer, humid, hilly conditions, it would take all I've got to get that goal.

My plan is to start off slow and force myself to keep a slow pace through 2 miles. After that I can let my body do what it wants to and it will naturally speed up. Once I get past about 6 miles the hills get a bit easier overall and I just need to get into a rhythm. Once I hit double digits I can totally push it to the finish. I need to remember this....if I can there's no reason to think I can't pull a 2:03 or a 2:04 comfortably.

The champagne and chocolate at the end are just icing on the cake.

Happy Running!!

Pathetic

I am not a good sick person.

Greg and I had our Friday morning all planned out.  He was going to pace me to a 10K PR.  My best 10K time is 53:45 and my sweet husband had me paced to run a 53:06. He came up with our route through the neighborhood and all the mile splits for the entire run....9:15, 8:45, 8:45, 8:30, 8:15, 8:00, and 1:36 for the final .2 miles.  As soon as we dropped the kidlets off at school we were hitting the streets and attempting to make me puke.

Before we went to bed last night I was having what I thought was a bad allergy attack.  I took some allergy meds, but it didn't help.  My throat started hurting, and my nose was running like you wouldn't believe.  Yeah, not allergies.

I constantly woke up in the middle of the night with the worst sore throat EVER.  (well, not really, because the kind of sore throat you get after an endoscopy and esophogeal dilation is way worse).  But you get my point.  Massive discomfort all night.

Finally I gave in.  I WAS SICK. And pissed off about it.  Finally got up the nerve to kill myself for a fabulous 10K time and got sidelined at the last possible moment.

To make matters worse, I am supposed to be a volunteer at the Zooma Half Marathon tomorrow in Bastrop.  I got assigned to the finish line even!  But noooooo.....now I'll be at home being pathetic.

If this illness keeps me from my new cowboy boots and Zac Brown Band concert on Sunday night all hell will break loose, I'm telling you.

(On a side note.....GOOD LUCK to all my fabulous friends who I won't be seeing after all tomorrow as they have fabulous races in gorgeous weather on an awesome race route in a beautiful part of Central Texas).

BLAH.

What If??

I started watching The Biggest Loser on TV this season.  I had never seen it before, but knew it was a very emotional show.  I've been blessed that I have never truly had a weight problem.  I've never been overweight, I have not fluctuated much in my adult life. I've tried hard to take good care of myself, with a few stops and starts in my fitness, but overall have been pretty successful. I don't say this to brag...I know I've been lucky and am probably in the minority. My desire to maintain a healthy weight and fitness level is what keeps me running.

As you know I lost my sister Trisha in 2009 to what can probably be partially attributed to an unhealthy weight. She contracted the swine flu, but had a lot of underlying health problems, such as lupus, diabetes, asthma, and was deemed morbidly obese. She just couldn't recover from the flu and passed away suddenly overnight from pulmonary embolisms.  I had worried for years about her health - and had even had a conversation with my mom about those fears just two weeks prior....and then our worst fears were realized.

So watching this Biggest Loser episode, where the contestants get to go home for 2 weeks, is definitely emotional.  It makes me wonder how Trisha would have done on such a show, how taking control of her weight could have helped her. The changes these people are making are incredible, and to hear them talk about doing it for their families hits home big time.  My sister left behind a husband and 9 year old daughter.

My sister's husband has really taken charge of his own health in the last year.  He has lost an amazing amount of weight, and is keeping himself and their daughter on an awesome fitness/healthy eating plan.  We are all so very proud of him.  I know he's added years to his own life and has improved the quality of life for my niece. And although this makes me insanely happy....a part of me wishes this had happened 2 years ago. Would my sister be a part of it? Would it have saved her?

I can't really dwell on "what ifs" but it's so hard not to.  What if I had pushed her harder to take care of herself? It sucks to dwell, and watching this episode (and the show in general) does make it hit home harder.  I know God had a plan and I try to remember that.

Being healthy is never overrated.  Maintaining my fitness and my desire to NEVER BE unhealthy will continue to motivate me every day of my life. I know I can't control everything, but my I CAN control the amount of exercise I do and the size of my clothes. I am on ZERO medications for health problems and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible. Don't ever take your health for granted. Don't fall into the trap of allowing your age to dictate what you can or can't do. Never sit back and allow a sedentary life to take over. Never never never.