Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Adulting is Hard

Back when I was a little girl I used to fantasize about what being an adult would mean, how much fun it would be, how I'd have such a great little family, and I just couldn't wait to be grown up.

Oh, man.

Can I go back to being six years old, please, living in our adorable home in California, with my awesome parents and sister and our cocker spaniel, George?


I feel like all I do is complain right now. About everything. I'm sure it's annoying as hell to some people, but it's where I'm at right now. I'm sure some people don't understand what I could possibly be complaining about. Well....trust me, there's plenty. My last blog post was fairly positive and it was only eight days ago.....it's amazing what can happen in eight days.

Picture this....you take a stack of little blocks and put one on top of the other until it grows very tall. Eventually, those blocks will tip over and crash. Now imagine each of those little blocks represents a minor problem. Stack up a bunch of minor problems and then they grow into one big tall tower, until it gets to be too much and everything just crashes.

I think my tower of blocks crashed on Sunday.

However, some of my blocks aren't so little.

Over the course of the last couple years, my little problems stacked up. In the last couple months, they've been stacking up at a rapid rate. Maybe any of one of them examined separately doesn't seem like such a big deal, but like I said....they aren't separate at all.

Everything keeps breaking. If you are a homeowner you understand that shit gets expensive. Replacing a dishwasher, a microwave, a garage door, and an A/C unit, A DAMN CAR, and repairing plumbing leaks might not seem so bad IF IT WAS JUST ONE OR TWO of those. But throw them all in, and then some, in less than a year and holy freaking cow.

My health had gone downhill. Now, mind you, none of it is a huge problem. After all, I don't have cancer or any other life threatening illnesses, as do some of my friends. But any kind of health problem can be alarming and overwhelming regardless of severity.

I became injured. Not such a big deal to those who don't have a regular exercise routine. But it is a big deal for a woman who is trying to defeat a terrible family history and who uses exercise as a coping strategy for depression and anxiety.

This is a great representation of how dejected I feel about my fitness. My climb out of injury has been torturous.

Speaking of mental illness, I had to stop taking my usual medication. The withdrawal was excruciating for over two weeks.

I have to seek treatment for another medical condition, and although I did get good news about it last week, there is still a small chance of surgery in my very near future. In the meantime, I have to take yet another medication.

(Also, don't get me started on my medical insurance and the hassles I have had to deal with this year just to get an MRI and my prescriptions filled. Ain't nobody got time for that.)

My dog died. I suppose this one is a big block. She was thirteen years old and it was not expected that we would be putting her down.

Now the blocks are going to get even bigger....

My kids. Oh, my kids.

I have one son who has ADHD, and while we have been able to control much of his symptoms, he still has his moments of forgetfulness and insensitivity that can be directly related to how his brain is wired. I get phone calls and emails from school that break my heart. Thankfully, he is developing maturity pretty rapidly and he and I can have some really wonderful conversations that I cherish.

As for my daughter, I will say this is my biggest block and the reason that the whole tower came tumbling down. I will not go into a lot of detail, because frankly, the details need to remain private. But imagine your child's typical outburst. Now multiply it by ten. Now imagine half your life in the bubble of that outburst. But let me be very clear...

It is not because she is a pre-teen.

It is not because of school.

It is not because "this is just how kids are."

She needs professional help to deal with how her brain is working. It will not go away on it's own. She will not necessarily "outgrow it."

Seeking that help and letting the gravity of it sink in is how I came to my feelings on Sunday. Perhaps I hit rock bottom. It's pretty ugly to feel that despondent. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So what have I done to lessen the stress?

I have exactly ONE commitment right now. ONE. I let everything else go. I literally have no room in my mind for more than one commitment. It means I have disappointed people, I'm sure, but I had to put myself and my family first. Simple as that. Take it or leave it. Hopefully most of my friends understand.

I unfortunately have lashed out here and there. I don't have the ability to control a lot of my emotions right now. I cry all the time. I get easily frustrated. I just have no patience. The bear can't handle being poked right now. At all.

I do not want to continue feeling this way. Writing it out like this has helped, and I'll continue to use this as an outlet for my feelings. Blogs don't talk back. Blogs don't have advice. I don't need any of that. I just need to process my feelings and move forward one step at a time.

One thing I do take from all of this. Just because someone's problems don't seem all that big, they ARE big to them. You don't know what else they are dealing with. If you're feeling down about something, stop telling yourself "well, at least I don't have a REAL problem."



  1. I am sending so much love. I am under no where near the pressure you are and find lately I've been lashing out in weird and inappropriate ways as well. I'm trying to focus it all on my writing – – and trying to find the humor hence yesterday's post about the myths of adulting. WHY DID NO ONE WARN US?!--but it's hard.

    Sending <3

  2. That last meme made me laugh. Mostly because I can hear you saying it! Somehow among very serious words, you are still able to make me laugh. I hate that you are going through so many things, and I wish I could take just one of your blocks away to help clean up the mess that they're all making around you. Keep writing, keep running when you can, and keep doing whatever you need to feel even a little better. And if you need someone to spill your guts to, then know that I'm here with two ears for you! Love you!

  3. Wish we lived closer to help support each other through all this. Seems to be the normal routine here in Mo.at the Jennings house hold. Just know Steph, I am all ears, I miss you so much. I was looking through old pictures the other day and came across so many of us and you and Ashley together. Can you believe she's a married momma? When did our little spunky, crazy curled head little ball of joy grow up? Love you and we need to plan a time to catch up. <3

  4. https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/0e/f4/b3/0ef4b352e837e44a7da9f4ec766c2c67.jpg

  5. Thank you for being so honest on here. I am just starting out on the parenting roller coaster (4 girls, ages 7yrs - 3months) and knowing that parenting is tough at all stages, along with other adult things, is good for me to hear. I always seem to live in the "it will be better when" mind set when I know that I need to live in the now. Thank you again and big hugs to you and your family!

  6. When I got to the part where you said, "After all, I don't have cancer," I made a note to gently reprimand you when I was done reading. But then I got to the end and was glad to see that you get it: Everyone has real problems that are very real to them. As someone who's watching her mother battle Stage IV cancer, this is what I've been telling people when they feel guilt for complaining about something: Just because someone has a bigger problem than you, it doesn't mean your problems will magically get better.

    I could say the cliche about how God only give you as much as you can handle, so you must be as strong as an ox... But I won't. Instead, I'll say that it's okay to back off from all commitments in order to prioritize the bigger things. It's okay to cry about it. It's okay to write when you feel like it. It's okay to ask for help. Because we all have problems, we all like to help others -- it's the only way it can really work.