Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

My body is trying to kill me

Welp. 

So where were we? I was getting help for a “pulled muscle” and hoping to get back to running so I could race a half marathon to celebrate my newfound AARP status. 

That didn’t go as planned.

My pulled muscle actually ended up being a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, plus three more bulging discs. The pain I was having became excruciating. It actually scared the shit out of me.

I did not see this coming at all.

While I’m so thankful I found the right doctors and got the scans I needed for an accurate diagnosis and I have a great physical therapist helping me get back to being a marathoner…..holy Jesus, this is hard as hell. I have had five PT appointments so far, and today we actually progressed to more impact and added weight to the exercises. Positive forward momentum is what I am hoping for!

So the herniated disc is the worst of it all, but it’s not the only thing. Do you have popcorn handy? I feel like we need popcorn.

I have started referring to myself as the most messed up healthy person out there, because while I've spent nearly two decades focused on being healthy, functional, strong, and "young for my age" (for crap's sake, I was a personal trainer!), I have entirely too many frustrating physical issues. For the third time in 3 years, I have been sidelined from running for an issue not even related to running. A herniated disc might not be as big of an issue as that damn busted rotator cuff from 2020, but it's a pretty big deal regardless, enough so that I have to take recovery really seriously and be dedicated to daily physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Coming back to running without nerve pain is going to be a huge endeavor. I'm tired of huge endeavors, you know?

Anyway.....a recap of my history unrelated to rotator cuffs and herniated discs to get up to speed on everything I've been dealing with the last few months....

In 2009, I was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis, which is a chronic immune system disease where white blood cells called eosinophils build up in the esophagus, creating strictures that can cause food to get stuck. It's a potentially deadly disease if left untreated, as you can choke to death due to the strictures. It can be triggered by allergens and acid reflux, of which I have both. I have actually had this disease my entire life, but didn't have a name for it. All I knew was that I could never swallow any pills other than tiny ones, and food often got stuck in my throat, causing spasms and an inability to swallow for hours at a time. I finally went to an ENT, who then referred me to a gastroenterologist. I had an upper endoscopy done, where my esophagus was actually stretched (and then repeated two months later) and I had an official diagnosis.

So all the people who made fun of me for never being able to swallow pills....screw you. I physically couldn't and not one doctor thought to look further into that. They all thought it was psychological. 

For the past 14 years, I've been on and off acid reducers, and have had several upper endoscopies done with my esophagus stretched each time. It was looking like I would need to repeat this process every two to three years for the rest of my life. I had come to terms that this was just the hand I was dealt, and I was thankful to always have great health insurance and the financial ability to continue to pay for the procedures. 

Late last year, however, I got hopeful news. My allergist mentioned a drug, Dupixent, that had just gotten approval to treat eosinophilic esophagitis and would be the very first drug that would treat the actual disease, and not just the symptoms. It's a drug that is typically used for eczema and asthma (basically, shit that happens when your body attacks itself), but had shown promising results of actually reducing the number of eosinophils in the esophagus. I was thrilled at the possibility of actually getting control of my disease vs. just managing it. I started the weekly injections in March (I inject myself...it's not so bad). 

My insurance was requiring me to get another upper endoscopy done (my last one was in November 2022), in order to see if the medication was working. It's an extremely expensive drug and I needed positive results. Right after being informed of needing to get this scheduled by January, I had an episode that landed me in the ER in September.

While on a walk in Seattle, I started having intense chest pains, had trouble taking deep breaths, and my heartrate skyrocketed. I made it back to the apartment, thankfully, but my distress was increasing rapidly, so much so that I had to call 911. I had no idea where an ER was and just needed help. I didn't know if it was my heart or something else, but the pain was rapidly increasing. I got to head to the ER in an ambulance....oh how fun (and embarrassing).

Virginia Mason Hospital in downtown Seattle took great care of me. I had EKGs, a cat scan, tons of blood work done, and I got to rest a bit. The pain decreased but never dissipated completely. I had some scar tissue that showed up in my lungs (probably from my recent bout of Covid) and they could tell I had eosinophilic esophagitis, but nothing was totally alarming. It basically all pointed to a major acid reflux attack. I needed to chill out and go see my gastroenterologist for an upper endoscopy, which got scheduled for December 15. In the meantime, I needed to again be on an acid reducer in the hopes my stomach issues resolved themselves. I had a several more weeks of constant stomach pain but eventually it did substantially dissipate. 

Unfortunately I had one more intense physical ailment that scared the crap out of me before I had the opportunity to have my procedure. On December 4, while in Seattle (why does this city try to kill me?), I had a very sudden, very unexpected allergic reaction. About two hours after I had eaten, and right after an easy elliptical workout (during which I felt like absolute crap), I felt my bottom lip start to tingle. Within minutes, I could tell it was starting to swell. It very quickly reached an alarming level and I did a video visit with Teledoc. The doctor was concerned enough to tell me to head to the ER as it could move to my throat and cause anaphylaxis. 

Ever taken an Uber to the ER? I have!!

Greg met me at the ER (it's only a half mile from his office), and they saw me very quickly. At that point it wasn't getting any worse (the two Benadryl I had taken as soon as it started finally kicked in) but I needed to be monitored for about two hours to be sure it didn't spread. They got me set up by the nurse's station to hang out, I sent Greg back to work, and I got settled in to hope the swelling dissipated and I could just go home. People pay good money to get lip filler to look as ridiculous as me and I really don't understand that at all. 

While I was there, I got to witness a drug overdose, someone convulsing, someone vomiting in front of me, a screamer, a drunk lady in very bad shape (doctor quote: "were you drinking to celebrate or because you're really sad right now?"), and a dude on drugs who threw his shoes at the nurses next to me. Downtown Seattle on a Monday afternoon is pretty exciting, people.

My lip finally reduced in size within two hours, and they gave me even more meds, so I was ready to head back home. I even made it to Greg's work event on our rooftop that night for a little while, although I was drowsy from the drugs and didn't stay long. 

Now, mind you, this is all happening while I'm trying to do physical therapy for my back. Frankly, I'm getting tired of all this shit. I want a normal week in the life of a healthy Steph. Too much to ask?

So now we are at December 15, I have eliminated some things from my diet so I don't have another allergic reaction, and I am ready for my procedure to check on my esophagus and my stomach. It all went very smoothly, I even let Greg videotape me coming out of anesthesia because I was damn hilarious (Me: "can they give me more drugs?", Greg: "maybe we can get some to go!", me: "that's illegal. It killed Michael Jackson"....intriguing stuff right there). And now for the first bit of positive news in a really long time....

The drugs are working! Dupixent is actually REDUCING the eosinophils in my throat, it looks great, there's no sign of the gastritis that likely prompted September's ER visit, and I can continue taking the medication and don't need to see my gastroenterologist until June. It was honestly the absolute best case scenario.

After several months of frustrating ailments that seemed to keep happening one after another, this was welcome news! 

I know that some of my gastrointestinal struggles likely stem from chronic emotional stress. It's been a challenging couple of years and our routine as a family has taken a bit of a beating. As much as I try to manage my stress, I've had several bouts of being "too" stressed, it's affected my body and my frustration has increased. I need to continue to find ways to practice gratitude, to pray, to look for the positive, and to center myself. There are so many things that have been out of my control, but I am the only one in charge of my reactions to what life throws at me, and I need to better own that and to look for ways to steer my life in a better direction when I can. 

There are so many things to look forward to in 2024....starting with a 50th birthday trip to Napa with Greg, my in-laws, and some friends next month. Knowing that I'm physically healthier on some fronts, and working towards being more physically functional (and a marathoner again!) definitely reduces my anxiety. I don't want to get stuck in the funk...I want to LIVE. 

So many things

 June has been.....INTERESTING.

I started off the month feeling like utter crap. It was disconcerting....high heartrate, fatigue that was unrelenting, shortness of breath, just a lot of very concerning things. My body was not cooperating on runs, nor during everyday things. My hip was really starting to hurt (I suspected bursitis), so I knew that wasn't helping matters at all. 

On June 6, I threw in the towel on my long run and called Greg to come pick me up 2 miles in. I was running 11 minute pace (my very easy pace), and my heartrate climbed quickly into Zone 3 and was staying there. I couldn't breathe correctly and just felt like I was running through cement. I was DONE with feeling like this.

I got a doctor appointment the next day and he listened to all my concerns. Bloodwork to check pretty much everything was ordered and my blood was drawn (4 vials!) right there at the office. I made another doctor appointment with my orthopedist's office the next day to have my hip checked out.

The ortho agreed with me regarding my hip - it really looked like bursitis, which is an annoying condition but totally something that can be overcome. BACK TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! My poor, poor physical therapist. I also got a cortisone shot, my first one ever. No running for the rest of the week, which I was definitely okay with since I felt like crap on every run anyway.

I got my bloodwork results back later that day. Everything fell within normal ranges. HOWEVER, my ferritin was bordering on too low, particularly for an endurance athlete, and my Vitamin D was back down to the low level of normal. Thankfully my thyroid was functioning okay (I only have half a thyroid) and my blood panel didn't indicate anything alarming. So I doubled my regular iron and Vitamin D supplements, and would continue to take Vitamin B12, fish oil, and magnesium as usual (yes, it's a lot but I'm a middle aged woman and I'll do whatever it takes to feel good!).

The doctor and I had discussed my discontinuation of mood regulators, which I had been taking for years. I tapered off them in February and what I was experiencing could be a delayed reaction to the withdrawal of the medication. The biggest issue, however, was the amount of stress in my life. I am massively stressed almost daily due to some situations that are really beyond my control. I have been trying to use other methods in helping me deal with the stress, but it's entirely possible that it's just not enough, and the mood regulator was doing more good than I thought, and even if I wasn't feeling particularly "depressed" (I'm not), the medication was helping me control my stress levels. 

Well, crap. I really didn't want to go back on the medication. I take zero prescription meds and I like it that way.

But I needed to help resolve this problem. My body was physically deteriorating due to stress, and with the addition of higher levels of supplements and a reintroduction of a mood regulator, I could still turn it around. I am a healthy person and should be feeling better! So I restarted the medication at half the dose I was taking previously. It's only been a few days and I'll be able to judge the effectiveness in a few weeks.

I don't like being dependent on something, but like a friend of mine said recently, a diabetic wouldn't think to stop taking insulin, so someone with a mood regulation problem should also do whatever medically necessary to keep themselves healthy. She's totally right. And I shouldn't feel bad for needing this.

Around the same time as this, Greg was a total SWEETHEART and surprised me with a brand new Garmin Fenix 6S sapphire watch. He was proud of me for how far I've come since my October accident and how excited I am to begin marathon training next month, and wanted to give me everything he could to aid in my training. My previous watch is a Fenix 5S, so definitely a pretty sweet watch but the features on the 6S are just the coolest! Heat acclimation, load focus, and an improved race predictor. I just love it!

I may have also purchased the Saucony Endorphin Pro 2 shoes, even though I never even raced in my original pair of Endorphin Pros. But how can I resist a checkered pattern?

Now....about my hip. I have a feeling that in the months during my shoulder rehab when I wasn't moving my arm much but was still going on very long walks, I developed a worse than usual imbalance (I have scoliosis so I'm always a bit imbalanced). Because my shoulder was still healing and I was very limited in my movements and exercises, strength training was minimal. The imbalance turned into inflammation and bursitis on that side. So back to physical therapy I went last week, to the same guy who helped me through my shoulder rehab. But this time, the work is much more exciting for him since it involves strengthening and not just ROM exercises. He agrees with the orthopedist that it's likely bursitis, and he pinpointed my core/glute weaknesses that are contributing to the problem. He has me doing daily exercises and I see him 1-2 times per week. Unfortunately the cortisone shot only took away some of the discomfort. I probably needed a second shot in a different location, but I will say that the strengthening is already making a bit of a difference. 

In the midst of all this, I'm obviously running far less in June than I did in the previous two months. I'm keeping my runs shorter, and trying to focus on the little things like foot turnover and form and not being so damn afraid to run fast (tripping on a run and destroying your shoulder will put the fear in you like nothing else). Short intervals, shorter base runs, no long runs, 4-5 days per week of running. It's not a lot, but it's consistent and it's helping me heal and while it will always suck, I feel like my body is acclimating to the heat and humidity (my watch agrees with me!). Also, I actually sort of love the feature on the Fenix 6S that gives you suggested workouts, so for the past 2+ weeks I've just been doing whatever it tells me to. I don't always hit the paces it says I should but I don't think it adjusts the suggested workout paces for weather, so I just roll with it. 

Technically I start marathon training in two weeks and I've rewritten the first few weeks of the plan to build my long run. Originally I planned to have a base of 10-12 mile long runs, but that's out the window for now, so I'll be starting at six miles and building from there. Before long I'll be at 40+ mile weeks and I'm looking forward to finally feeling better.

Oh, and we are remodeling and it's taking longer than I had anticipated. Who knew that EVERYONE ELSE is also remodeling??

So, in summary....

STRESS SUCKS

PEOPLE WHO STRESS ME OUT SUCK

BEING NEEDY SUCKS

HOWEVER, GREAT MEN MAKE AWESOME HUSBANDS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE MINE

Spring Cleaning

The dark winter is almost over!

This winter was stupid dark so I'm particularly looking forward to a change of seasons. 

When I last wrote a blog post, back in January, I was a few weeks into physical therapy, not running yet, but trying to find some semblance of a routine to keep my sanity. I let go of my 2020 goals, many of which were derailed by my accident in October. I set some new goals that were realistic for 2021.

I am now 20 weeks post-surgery on my complete rotator cuff tear. Hard to believe it's been 20 weeks already. I have completed 23 physical therapy sessions and am in the strength phase of therapy. I have 7 sessions left to go and will continue to go once a week and stretch out the strength phase as long as I can with my therapist. I am only about halfway in my recovery, realistically, and even after 40 weeks will not have my strength back to normal. I started running 6 weeks ago and am no where near back to normal on that front. That will definitely take a long time to get back. My body and mind are simply not the same as they were on October 18, when I was nearing the peak of marathon training.

The hardest part of this journey I never wanted to be on is getting my mind right. I am struggling with coming to terms with my body. It was so strong before this and now I feel like the 47 year old I am and I absolutely hate that feeling. I feel sorry for myself too often. I am angry too often. I am impatient and frustrated. I feel weak both physically and mentally.

I know a lot of people who have had rotator cuff repair, but I don't know anyone who had damage as extensive as mine. It's tough to hear about how they were in physical therapy a week after surgery, when I had to wait 6 weeks, that they were fine after a few months, when I will be looking at feeling "fine" after a year. My recovery is not comparable to others so I have a hard time finding encouragement to follow. It's pretty isolating sometimes. My therapist tells me I'm doing great, and there are some sessions where I'm pleasantly surprised at my progress, but then there are days when I'm frustrated that putting a can on the shoulder-height shelf is a struggle. 

I am trying to remember how hard things were when I first started doing active exercises and how little my arm would move on its own to how I can reach quite far with it now, that I really have made tremendous progress. But then I remember I used to be able to do 100 pushups and I fear I'll never be able to be that strong again. People tell me I'm crazy, that it takes time, but my mind is just too impatient. 

I miss being a marathon runner. Sure, I can go out and run continuously now, versus the run/walk intervals I had to start with in February. But I just now barely hit 6 miles and it was hard. My pace is incredibly slow and my heartrate and effort are nowhere near as low as they used to be at that pace. I have not tried any type of speed, but am thinking of incorporating short speed intervals in 2-3 weeks. I know in my head exactly what I need to do and what the progress should look like, but I hate how hard this is. I absolutely hate it. 

I know my attitude is being affected by other things around me, things that are out of my control, and I can't help but think it's penetrating my brain in negative ways. My youngest child continues to test me daily and I've exhausted my ability to help turn the tide. It's my kid's journey to complete. The tools are there, the support is there, but I can't make anyone do what they should do. Personal responsibility and hard work are they only thing that will help at this point. It's pretty maddening for a parent. And as helpful as some try to be, they do not understand the magnitude of this journey. It's the one that Greg and I are on, and only Greg and I. We are the only two that understand it. We've been living it for so many years now. It's not helping my own fortitude, that's for sure. The atmosphere in our country also continues to be painful to witness, when so much of it is avoidable and stupid. People unnecessarily turning against one another is completely wrong on so many levels, and it never needed to be this way. Add to that the countless lives that have been destroyed in this last year....and it's a recipe for depression, to put it bluntly. 

Of all the things to do to myself, it had to be this injury and surgery? Just stupid!!

BUT.....I am still in charge of my destiny. So while I will feel sorry for myself, I will be pissed at what my body feels like right now, I will be pissed off at others for their lack of grace and intelligence, I am still in charge of the trajectory of my life. 

So what does that look like?

I am RUNNING. It's not much, but I am running. I can now run 3 days in a row and will be doing that this week. I can continue to up my distance slowly. I focus on my effort, my form, my hydration, my breathing in the hopes of finally having a breakthrough. My breathing sucks, my effort is sometimes too high, and I feel like I'm in someone else's body, but as a former coach I know that consistency will produce results eventually. I KEEP SHOWING UP.

I signed up for another marathon yesterday on a total whim. I'm already registered for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon on December 12, and now I'm also registered for The Louisiana Marathon on January 16. It's called the Beach to Bayou Challenge and I did it in 2017/2018 (when I qualified for Boston). I have no plans to be that fast yet, but I think having this big of a challenge will keep me motivated to be consistent. Plus I love those races. Then in October of 2022 I want to run Chicago (I deferred 2020), and THAT is when I will try to be fast. 

Next month I'm running the virtual BAA 5K because who doesn't want a Boston shirt and medal? It will be a slow 5K compared to the past but fun nonetheless. I like Boston and I like medals!

I am also traveling for the first time in over a year! My husband and I are going to Florida for our anniversary in May for a long weekend on a beach. I need the time away, to reset and recharge and just enjoy time with only my husband. I had hoped to travel internationally this summer, but with restrictions still so changeable and the need for a negative Covid test to return to the United States has me very wary to leave the country just yet. I'm not afraid of traveling or being around people, but I don't like the thought of being restricted from reentry! So we will wait a bit longer on that. Thankfully, Florida is less restrictive than a lot of states and has beautiful beaches so it's a very nice compromise for now. 

I am ready for the tide to turn on life. I think we ALL are. It's been a ridiculous year of heartache for many. 

A Little March Update

I've alluded to the fact in Instagram that it's been a difficult month so far, even more so than what's going on globally. I took a break from Facebook for Lent, and it's probably for the best with all the craziness. I'm pretty sure social media + semi-quarantine are not a good mix, especially when it comes to Facebook and the overabundance of opinions spewed on that platform. 

Life took a turn for the extra difficult and our family is working to navigate it. It seems to be a pattern, but if you've endured any kind of mental illness in yourself or a loved one, then you know that there is nothing normal or serene about it. You could have a great couple months, and then your world turns upside down on a dime. Welcome to my reality. I never know when it's going to hit and when it does, sometimes it's particularly bad. We are navigating as best we can, but right now, the stress is threatening to do me in. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this amount of stress. I'm helpless and exhausted.

Add on top of that the fear and uncertainty with COVID-19, and our anxiety is compounded. I know it's a temporary disruption in our lives, but it's still difficult. At first I wasn't so concerned with my immediate little family contracting the virus, but then I remembered that technically I am part of the compromised community. While I have it relatively under control, I have asthma. It's impossible to know how a virus like this could affect me. It could be mild, like when I had the flu a couple years ago, or it could hit me hard. I'd really rather not find out. Because of this, I'm very much trying not to go out in public. I'm still running (although avoiding water fountains and public bathrooms if at all possible), and I will likely still make quick trips to the grocery store, and I have appointments that are vital, but I want to avoid as many people as I can. I don't have a huge problem with this. I'm an introvert, so alone time is not a burden. I have a big house project I'm working on so it gives me free time to work on it. 

Without any races coming up (which is a little weird), I don't have a set training plan. But I want to continue to run 5 or 6 days a week for the mental health therapy. I think it's so important for me to start my day doing something good for myself. With so many things out of control around me, I need to grab onto this part of my life and hold on. If I had to quarantine and be forced to not go outside, it could really really suck. Stair repeats, anyone? I don't own a treadmill!

I have been thinking the last couple days of our blessings. There are a lot of people out there truly scared about how this world has changed...they can't afford physically and/or financially to get sick, they don't know what to do if they can't work and they need to work to get paid, they don't know what to do if their kids' schools close because they don't have childcare available. I am lucky that this isn't my reality....very very lucky and I never want to take that privilege for granted. When people harp on businesses and the government about taking so long to shut down public areas/schools/businesses, etc, we all have to understand that while that might not greatly affect US, there are millions of people out there who will most definitely be impacted and their plight needs to be taken into account. I do not envy those in charge of these decisions and I'm very much impressed with the vast amount of work these people are doing right now. I can't fathom their exhaustion. 

Show grace and be kind. 

We also need to understand that while the cancellation of a certain event or trip might seem meaningless, it's still a big loss to some people. Much of our joy is derived from our extracurricular activities or watching pro sports or traveling and all of those things are an awesome escape from work and the stressful parts of life. Most of that is gone right now and for the foreseeable future, and it's going to eat away at us eventually. We are going to crave something outside our homes. So it's okay to feel that loss. But it, too, shall pass. 

So again, I say to be kind and show grace.

We had an event upcoming at the end of March that I was looking forward to that was just cancelled. My son, my firstborn baby, accepted admission to the University of Texas in Tyler and will begin his freshman year there in the fall. Later this month we were planning to visit the campus for a all-day tour and information session. I've never been to Tyler and I'm so nervous about sending off my kid to college, so this day was a big one for us. I'm sure we will get an opportunity to visit before he moves there in August, but it is still a big bummer. On a positive note, I'm so proud of my kid for getting accepted into the UT system. He will be transferring to Austin after freshman year and graduate a Longhorn, which was his ultimate college choice. A big positive in our lives, for sure. 

Please be aware when you are out in public, that there are so many people who need you to stay healthy and not spread this virus further. Don't galavant around with no thought for others. 

Work together every day to make this better. 

Coming to a close

Now that I have time to breathe and think about something other than marathon training, I've been thinking a lot about the rest of my personal life. I have stepped back a bit from disclosing our struggles, as we navigate how we should be handling them.

But I feel like we got a really big win this week and I want to share it.

My daughter (she's nearly 15) has been in therapy continuously for almost 4 years. She was in therapy with a counselor at nine years old for a few months, but then there was a big gap before we found a psychotherapist. Since that time, she also came under the care of a psychiatrist and then started group DBT therapy in August of this year after a particularly difficult summer.

Recently, she had a huge relapse. It frightened us and confused us and made us take a step back on where we needed her therapy and medical interventions to go. It took a couple of months, and many many appointments between all three therapists. When I mentioned it was kind of a miracle I ever made it to my marathon start line in one piece, I wasn't kidding. I was worn down. But I used training as my own therapy and distraction from the emotionally exhausting things we were encountering as parents.

On Tuesday, she "graduated" from psychotherapy. After more appointments and money than I can even fathom, we left that appointment without making her next appointment. As of right now, we don't "need" to and can have this therapist on stand-by for any future needs, should they arise. I actually cried as we were leaving. Her therapist has become more than just a "doctor." She's been my daughter's savior, and ours, and I genuinely love her as a person. I will greatly miss her, although thankful that if I'm missing her it means it's because my daughter is doing well.

When you have a baby, never in your wildest imagination do you think you'll have to send your child to therapy for years on end. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and it has been continuous for YEARS. It wasn't just a fluke bad spell she went through. She has struggled for so long that I don't really remember what it's like to NOT struggle. I still hesitate to put this out there, but I know that by sharing our struggles, it can make another parent maybe not feel so alone if they are also struggling.

I am constantly hurting for my girl, and angry, and exhausted, and confused, and completely unsure if I'm ever doing the right thing for her. I have to employ a tremendous amount of strength to not fall apart myself, and there have been times this year when I honestly thought I simply couldn't do it anymore. I have broken down more times than I can count, have cried more than I ever thought possible.

I am still terrified that the other shoe will drop, however. Absolutely terrified. When she calls or texts me from school, my immediate thought before I've even read the text or answered the phone is that something has happened and she's having a panic attack and needs me. I can't shake this impulse of mine to assume the worst, because there have been so many times where she has contacted me in a complete panic and meltdown. I still have to walk on eggshells with her, even though I know it's not helpful, because I don't want any reaction of mine to send her into a tailspin. I don't want to say the wrong thing or to be too tough as a parent. Balancing discipline with her emotional needs is probably never going to be something I get perfectly accurate, but I keep trying.

I have a phenomenal daughter. She is more compassionate than anyone I know, she is so strong in her convictions, and she genuinely loves people and wants to be the best friend and person she can be. She's wildly talented artistically and musically and I'm constantly in awe of what she can create. She's beautiful inside and out. I'm so in love with her character and so proud when I look at her that she is an extension of me. Her face is angelic and her smile lights up every room she's in.

I just wish her mental struggles would dissipate completely, that everyday stresses that we all encounter wouldn't debilitate her. It's getting better, it will always get better, and I feel so relieved when she handles unexpected disruptions in stride rather than being immobilized by them. She has a beautiful future, I know she does.

So I'm taking some deep breaths as we head into our winter break. I'm showing her as much love and attention as I can and reminding her of all her successes and strengths.

This year wasn't what I envisioned it would be. I had some huge highs and personal successes, but they were so difficult to truly enjoy because there were these other struggles that took over my thoughts on a daily basis, there was a tremendous amount of stress that I carried throughout my entire body, and rarely could I let it go completely and relax. I am truly thankful for my partner in crime. His job is so demanding and he works insane hours and is on calls with the other side of the world (or is ON the other side of the world!) at all hours, and yet he does everything humanly possible to take care of his family, to support me in my crazy endeavours, and joins me as I travel around the country running too many miles and spending all his money. We get closer every year and appreciate the little things with each other. When I am with him, he somehow magically makes most of my stress disappear. Just this past weekend, he took me on an impromptu weekend trip to Hollywood, Florida, so we could stay in the new Hard Rock Guitar Hotel and enjoy a Bret Michaels concert and Criss Angel show and spend hours just laying at the pool without a care in the world. It was incredibly refreshing and I wouldn't want to spend a weekend like that with anyone else. My kids are so lucky they got him as a dad. His love is endless for all three of us.

It's crazy for me to think that we are in our twilight of parenting years. Our son will be graduating from high school and starting his adult life, and our daughter will be finding her own independence as she continues in high school and gains even more maturity. Next year will be a huge transition. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to tackle.

Hold your babies tight!

Changes

I can't believe it's been nearly three months since I last blogged. I've started a post, then never finished it. It's been an interesting time since I last published a post in April.

The high I rode from Boston quickly became an "oh crap, how in the world am I injured AGAIN??"

My psoas, abdominals and adductors became strained and inflamed and just would not calm down so I went to physical therapy a few times and it worked very well. While I'm not 100%, I am back to running 25 miles per week again. My lower body is strong right now from all the strength work I'm doing and I'm cautiously optimistic about my next training cycle. I'm frustrated by my right side and all the trouble it has had over the last 10 months. I'm frustrated that some of my injuries weren't even running related. But I'm back on track and trying my best to be smart and patient. Running only 56 miles in May was defeating. It made me realize again how important that time to myself and that endorphin release was to my mental health and stress level.

I wasn't doing so well with my stress and anxiety and that made me change a few things in my life in the last several weeks. I knew that these changes would need to happen and I'm so glad that I just ripped the band aid off and did it. The weight is being lifted off my shoulders and it's a great feeling.

Right now is a time in my life when I need to be introspective, selfish, and focused on my family. I hate to use the word selfish, but I don't know another way to describe it. I am such a people pleaser and usually so willing to be a reliable, go-to kind of person. It bothers me to no end when I feel like I have failed anyone. The sensible part of me knows that by turning my focus inward was absolutely the right thing to do, the emotional part of me still feels bad. At first, it felt pretty isolating and that makes you think deeply about a lot of stuff.

Removing distractions from my life that were in any way negative also meant that I stopped checking social media. No Instagram and no Facebook for over a month now. For 11 years I checked Facebook probably daily, and yet I have not really missed it. My husband is on still, and he lets me know when important things are posted by friends or family, so that's good. It's WEIRD not being active on these platforms, and apparently I had a few friends mention that there was no way I could take a real break from it, but it's been a very good thing to do. I don't know when I'll be back...a month, a few months....I just don't know. You see, being exposed to petty complaints, negativity, frivolous stuff was messing with my head way too much. Add in the political rants that just wouldn't quit and the nastiness that was embedded in those posts, and it was just making me angry almost on a daily basis. Going down those rabbit holes was shifting my focus away from what is actually important to me. I don't know why I couldn't just focus on all the good things that are on social media, but try as I might, it just wasn't happening.

The weight that if off my shoulders is awesome. I wake up every day knowing that I'm giving attention to my kids and husband and family, I'm getting projects done that make me feel accomplished, I've had an eventful summer, and I'm planning the rest of our summer adventures. I'm looking ahead to the rest of the year, I was able to get my son all his driving hours in so he could get his license (and he did!), I am reading more, I'm taking the dogs on more walks, and I'm just enjoying the summer. It makes the heavy stuff easier to bear, and unfortunately, the heavy stuff was plentiful this year.

There have been some good things that are happening with my family, too. My husband is continually being recognized at work for his successes and we are all very proud of him. Since he's the sole breadwinner, it's important to him to do his very best for our family, and he's gone above and beyond lately. It's been a busy few years for him after changing companies after 15 years at his old company, trying to make a name for himself in his new role, and he's been very successful. I'm excited to see what the future holds for his career. We are planning for retirement that will hopefully happen earlier rather than later.

I recently returned from California after taking my daughter to VidCon in Anaheim. It was tiring! But the time I spent one-on-one with her was priceless to me. There is nothing better to me than seeing her happy. She had a great time meeting her favorite YouTube personalities and being around a fun convention. I was a bit worried that the noise and activity would overwhelm her, but she seemed relatively unaffected by the chaos, and I'm so proud of her. We got a chance to walk over to Downtown Disney for lunch and shopping on the last day of the convention and I'm glad we did that. It's been awhile since I've been at anything Disney. Seeing my girl so happy makes me incredibly glad that we decided to go. I headed back to Austin, but she stayed behind with the grandparents and they are off on their own adventures with her in Mammoth Lakes.

In a few days, my husband, son, dogs and I will drive to SoCal to meet back up with her and the grandparents for the rest of the month. It's a bit of a crazy travel schedule, especially since my poor husband has to fly back to Austin (!!!) for a two day executive meeting right in the middle of our vacation. We are making the best of it and plan to really enjoy this time with family.

School starts again for my kids in the middle of August and I'll have two high schoolers. I didn't think the reality of this would hit me so hard, but it honestly has. I'm melancholy. I have two cool kids and we are in the twilight years of child-rearing and I don't think I'm quite ready for that. I'm excited about what adulthood will bring for them, but saddened that another season of my life will soon be over. I look at my baby girl and just can't picture her as a high schooler, even if she looks like one, and I want to snuggle up with her and never let her go. It makes me especially thankful for the time I spent with her last week.

Now I'm off to more adventures, off to training, off to a whole lot of fun!

The Truth Will Set You Free

I have a goal for the weekend, or at least for the coming week.

Lately, for the past few months at least, I have felt extremely burdened by the actions of others, by the actions that have directly hurt me and those that have hurt my friends and loved ones. The malice and disrespect has really been weighing me down, to the point where I've thought of seeking a therapist. And while I have often touted the benefits of therapy (heck, my kid has had one for 3 years and my original career aspiration was to become a psychotherapist!), I've always felt like I could handle my own issues without one. But I have felt so extremely burdened lately, and resentful, and just plain exhausted by these feelings. It angers me. I have a million incredible things going on in my life, including my marriage, my children, my upcoming trip to Boston....all these things are such gifts to me that keep bringing me immense joy, and it feels unfair to me that these other hindrances are trying to mar what is otherwise a phenomenal year so far for me.

(Side note: I wrote about respect a couple of months back when I was musing about 2019 and what I wanted to focus on.)

So this morning, I got out my Bible, because seeking an answer from God has never steered me down the wrong path. When I do not submit my burdens to Him is when I make the wrong choices and further hurt myself.

Of course God tells us to forgive others, and I admittedly am not ready for this. I will be, and I will continue to seek this path, and I will continue to read the Bible passages that steer me in this direction. But I can't forgive quite yet.

I need to unburden myself from these feelings, however.

I came across some perfect verses:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 1 Corinthians 12:8-9 

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32-33

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

...a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away. Ecclesiastes 3:6

Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil. Proverbs 4:25-27

So this weekend and the coming days, my focus will be on calm and peace. I will steer away from the burdens, from those who I know do not have my best interests at heart, from things that do me harm and increase my anger. By nature, I'm reliable and will usually give the benefit of the doubt, I trust until trust is broken, and I often do forgive quickly. My heart is big, which is a bad thing when you trust too much. So rather than hardening my heart, I will turn it towards the good and away from the bad.

My poor husband has been a good sounding board for all of these feelings of mine, and he's a great listener. He respects where I am and is probably pretty thankful that he's not the root of any of my issues! But I owe it to him to seek the right answers and to move towards a more peaceful demeanor, to unburden myself from these negative feelings, and to set myself up for more positive experiences in the future.

This one life we get on earth deserves to be lived to its very best. If it means letting go of what is creating negativity, then that's what I will work towards.

Commitment

I started this post about a month ago and never finished it. As I get closer and closer to Marathon #15 and try to dial in my goals, I feel my anxiety creeping up. So I thought a mindset shift was in order, and I revisited this post to finish it. Hope you enjoy.

***

As I approach my half marathon taper and am now 2 weeks out from race day, my mental strength has started to waver a bit. Nothing like an ill-timed injury to make you second guess your ability, right? That dumb September injury has tried over and over again to screw with my head, even though I'm pretty much recovered from it.

I have started to re-read some of my old blog posts in the hope of tweaking my mental outlook. I need to start focusing only on the positives of the last several weeks and not the fact that I had a blip in the road. And, of course, anytime I start thinking too much, a blog post forms in my head.

Focus on the positives? Okay, here it goes.

What are my strengths this training cycle?

The big one that keeps popping up into my head is COMMITMENT.

If I am anything when it comes to training, it's that I am committed. I write a plan, I plan my calendar, I look days in advance to be sure I can fit in what I need to do, and I EXECUTE the plan. Am I about to have an incredibly busy day that starts really early but I still need to run 8 miles? I guess I'm setting my alarm for 4:30am and getting my butt to bed early.

Since coming back from injury in October, I have only missed one run and that was because I was feeling unwell. One run. I'm pretty damn proud of that. I battled fatigue and laziness but I still got out there and put in the work. I committed to 26.2 miles and damnit I'm not throwing that away! Obviously, many factors can come into play that can wreak a little havoc on a training cycle - the early signs of injury, which should never be ignored, illness, and the occasional unexpected emergency that robs you of your time. I've been pretty lucky so far. But even the occasional blip shouldn't ruin your commitment. There's a reason I'm a morning runner the vast majority of the time and that I like to get up before dark to train...if I keep putting off my run or I schedule a lot of evening runs, there's a bigger chance that something will come up and I have to skip it. Nope....I'm starting off my day right instead!

Another strength? I find JOY from training. Doing this does not wear on me...usually! It invigorates me emotionally. I might be physically tired, but my mind is clear and happy when I get to train. I love this journey. I genuinely feel lucky that I am healthy and able enough to do such good things for my body. I try to never take that for granted.

Another vital attribute that I think is important, particularly when getting into the latter parts of a training plan or if you're starting to have doubts, is FOCUS. This goes a step further than just being committed to your training. Every single training run has a purpose. I don't believe that there is such a thing as junk miles. I have structured my plan in such a way that I'm gaining benefit from every single run, whether it's a 10:30 pace recovery run, or a tempo run with a few miles at 7:45 pace, whether it's an easy paced long run, or a long run with a marathon pace workout built in. While I always need to look at my training week as a whole, I also aim to focus solely on the workout I'm in and try not to lose sight of its purpose.

But I am also not a slave to my training plan if I feel like I need to tweak it. Being FLEXIBLE is sometimes necessary. During one particular week I was feeling a bit more fatigue than normal, and I had already run several faster paced miles that week, so I changed my scheduled 7 mile track workout to a 7 mile easy run with strides. I felt fantastic the next day and it led to a very solid weekend of training. I had overshot on how many hard miles I had scheduled into the week and needed to change things. I didn't reduce my mileage, but I knew when I needed to ease up on intensity, even for just one run. Next weekend on Sunday the 17th, Greg is running the Austin Half Marathon, and I have a 16 miler on my schedule that day. I want to be at the finish line to see Greg, so I am shifting my long run to Saturday instead. I'll get up early with him and get my six mile recovery run in before I head to downtown Austin. Still getting in my miles, but being flexible on the order and that's okay!

Lastly, I think I'm pretty good at seeing the BIG PICTURE. At the end of the day, the week, and even at the end of this cycle, I need to remember that I am lucky I get to do this. I have a healthy body (mostly) and the ability to pursue this passion. No matter what happens on race day, my journey is fun and fulfilling. Only 10% of marathoners qualify for Boston, and that statistic is not lost on me. I have the opportunity to run in the world's oldest marathon, and THAT is the most important thing. Add to that the fact that I'll be running every step of it with my best friend, and it makes whatever number the finish line clock shows completely irrelevant. The 20 week training journey, the trip to Boston, the time spent with Greg, every single one of the steps from Hopkinton to Boylston Street.....THAT is the Big Picture. I need to keep remembering this when I start to feel anxiety on whether I'm in as good of shape as I was last January in Baton Rouge.

67 more days!

Getting back to normal

It's been over 3 months since I hurt myself. I was supposed to run California International Marathon last month, and I'm pretty damn bummed out. The weather, of course, was perfect and I think I could've run a PR race and secured a 2020 BQ. But alas, I had to skip it. I deferred it to next year and am already looking forward to it. I'm slowly working my voodoo magic to get Greg to commit to running it with me.

So where am I now?

Getting back to normal! It was a slow mileage buildup and I'm finally no longer wary of speed. I'm busting my butt as much as I can to get back into shape while still being cognizant of my hamstring. It'll be awhile before I'm back to pre-injury cardiovascular endurance shape, but I will get there. I closed out November with 113 miles and December with 152 miles. Those are pretty big numbers considering I only ran 29 miles in October. December was my third highest mileage month of 2018. I'm up to 40 weekly running miles, with 5 or 6 days of running. Considering I used to top out around 40-45 miles for marathons a few years ago, I'd say I'm doing well with 14 weeks of training to go. In my peak week I'll be at 60 miles, which is plenty for me.

In a little over two weeks I will be running my first half marathon since 2017 and the first time in six years that I will legitimately try to run a personal best. I had hoped to PR during my 2017-2018 marathon training cycle, but bad weather convinced me to turn a planned race into a good training run. Houston is usually pretty good on weather in January so I'm hoping for the same. It will also be my first race in my new 45-49 age group!

As the Boston Marathon gets closer, I'm getting more and more excited. A very close friend of mine who was my running buddy until she moved to the Boston suburbs is going to be running it as well. I'm hoping for some pre-race Athlete Village shenanigans before the super fun sufferfest begins. Yes, I said "super fun sufferfest." It's a thing and people like us love it. I even bought my very first Boston 2019 running gear.

This coming Sunday will be my longest training run since September, at 15 miles. This past Sunday I ran 14 miles with 5 of them at marathon pace. My pace miles were not as speedy as I had hoped, but they were still close to BQ pace, I felt great so I didn't push it any harder, I ran them in one 5 mile set, and considering I was running in 35 degree drizzle, I'm quite happy that I managed a solid training run at my longest distance in this new training cycle. It helped that the husband met me at mile 8 to run the remaining miles with me.

On the non-running front, I've been reflecting a lot on 2018 and how it differed from 2017. I felt a lot more peace this past year than I have in a long time. My daughter, who has battled depression and anxiety and has been in treatment for three years, seems to have turned a big corner. She will be turning 14 next month, and with that maturity and a change in schools for 8th grade, she seems much happier with herself. She has a newfound confidence that is beautiful to witness. She has learned to play the violin and ukelele, has been singing a lot, is continuing her incredible journey as a talented artist, and is enjoying her theater class. Her talents in the arts really blow me away and I'm thrilled she has found the right outlets to gain confidence in herself. It hasn't been perfect. As anyone who battles mental illness, it's not linear. There are ups and downs and really terrible days. But overall, upon reflecting on the year as a whole, I'd say she's made great strides.

As for me, as I alluded to in my last blog post, my eyes have been opened to many things that I was previously trying to bury because I just couldn't deal well with them. I have a new confidence in myself similar to my daughter's. I am more in tune with protecting my happiness and what that entails. I have let go of so much negativity and it's a refreshing change. My relationship with my husband of nearly 20 years has grown and as we enter this milestone year, I feel more than ever that we are on the right page with our values and our future dreams. Learning to live with someone and committing to that for a lifetime, despite ups and downs and frustrations, is rare in today's world. He's my best friend and I'm going to keep him!

I am continuing to pursue the things that I love. Besides running, I am doing some home remodeling. My newest project is repainting my kitchen cabinets, a huge endeavour but one that is actually pretty fun to tackle. If I am going to continue to be the stay-at-home parent, then it's important that I find ways to be productive and save our family money, and I enjoy the challenge of teaching myself how to do this stuff well.

On the exercise front, I'm thankful that I found a good therapy outlet with running, as this works well for me to navigate life's stressors. I was talking to a friend yesterday about marathon training and how, while I prefer the half marathon distance, committing to 26.2 is better for my mental health. It requires a focus and commitment that is very different from 13.1. I enjoy the challenge, I prefer something that requires such a high level of commitment and focus, and that's why it's become my go-to distance these last couple years. There will always been something magical and exhilarating about completing a 3-hour training run and about crossing the finish line after racing 26.2 miles.

I've been constructing my race plans through 2020 and I think I'm in for a whole lot of fun. Besides Boston and CIM this year, I'm planning to attend the Olympic Marathon Trials in Atlanta next year. I watched them in Houston in 2012 and it was incredibly fun and inspiring to witness. I want to add another marathon besides Atlanta (it will be held the day after the Trials), and Chicago is on my mind. But I'm still open to other ideas for a fall race. I've run 10 Texas marathons, so at this point I prefer traveling to other parts of this beautiful country. There are so many great races and places to visit that I need to branch out and experience them!

So, on this 2nd day of 2019, I have a lot of hope, peace, and love. May it continue throughout the year for me, my family, and my loved ones.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

- Romans 15:13

Control

As I was finishing up my last blog post, another topic formed in my mind that I feel the need to write out and work through. In case you haven't noticed, my mind works in overdrive sometimes and having this blog is a great way to dissect these thoughts.

I talked a bit about how important it is for me to focus on the things I can control in my life. I have so many things that are total crapshoots for me on a daily basis that without something concrete to focus on, I'd literally lose my mind.

For starters, my kids. Oh, my darling kids. Mind you, I love them with all of my being. I think they have incredible minds, incredible talents, and with a bit of direction, are really going places in this world. But parenting them is far more difficult than I ever envisioned. They are smart as can be, so I thought school would be a breeze for them.

Nope.

They have a ton of talent...my son is a computer whiz and my daughter is fully immersed in the arts - she can sing like nobody's business and her artistic talent is being fine tuned on a daily basis. So of course, they'd be super focused on success because of this, right?

Nope.

It's frustrating. That's putting it mildly. Actually, it absolutely kills me. It stresses me out like nothing else in my life that they always manage to find a way to get distracted, to not care, to perform less than they know they're capable of. I have absolutely no control over this, and I refuse to be a helicopter parent no matter how much the school pushes me to micro-manage them. I've spent years trying to find a balance between guiding them, hovering over them, harping on them, and talking about it until I'm blue in the face, while forcing them to take control of it themselves, to be responsible, and to allow them to fail and learn a lesson. I can't do the work for them, I can't force them to care, I can merely guide them and support them. Basically, it's totally out of my control and my mind wrestles with this on a daily basis.

So that's my kids for you. I don't have control over what they choose to care about or on what they focus their attention, but I have control over accepting them for who they are and supporting all their successes and their failures.

My kids are only a part of the uncertainty that surrounds me on a daily basis. There are so many things that I struggle with personally, and find difficulty in controlling. I have come to accept many of these variables, however, but it was a long process.

First, mental health. For a very long time I was unaware that I suffered from depression and anxiety and that it was an actual disorder that I would be struggling with for the rest of my life. I always viewed my "bouts" with depression and anxiety as just that....temporary bouts. It wasn't until a few years ago, that, after discussing it at length with my doctor, I was found to be clinically depressed and suffering from a legitimate anxiety disorder. Temporary fixes wouldn't make it go away. I would always have to be proactive about treatment and I could not be complacent. I'm so thankful for the counselor that I found who worked with me in those early days to come to terms with this problem and find ways to reset my mind. I'm thankful for my doctor for taking me seriously and then opening my eyes to reality, and spending time reworking my medication so I finally found one that my body could tolerate long term.

Anyone who suffers from mental health disorders understands just how significant all these steps are. I have accepted that this who I am, I have a husband who supports me daily and understands when it's just "not my day...or my week" and doesn't make me feel guilty about it, and I continue to find ways to battle through the dark times without giving in to that darkness.

I do not have control over my diagnoses, but I have control over how I let it run my life.

Next, the negativity in the world. I gotta be honest here. I think the way people have treated each other in the last couple years...publicly...is just insane. It's disgusting and unnecessary and it shows a complete lack of character. The name calling, the lack of common sense, the lack of decency, the inability to really think about what they're saying and doing. It blows my mind. I can't control what other people think or do or say, but I certainly don't have to join them in their immaturity and irrational behavior. It's forced me to remove people from my life (trust me, I only did this after a lot of soul searching), and to avoid some people, and to keep my mouth shut about many things. I want to be known for my compassion and grace, not for being a raging bitch when I don't agree with someone. So I've quieted my mind and my mouth. It's truly a freeing experience.

Lastly, let's talk about physical health. I am a healthy person...mostly. However, what isn't so obvious on the outside is that I do suffer from many physical ailments, and my family medical history is downright frightening. I have asthma, eosinophilic esophagitis and dysphagia, and scoliosis. My family has suffered with countless bouts of cancer, high blood pressure and cholesterol, and diabetes. I sometimes feel like I'm on borrowed time because I've not yet experienced anything truly life threatening. My disorders are incredibly frustrating at times, however. I had hoped in the last year to put myself as a priority and work on a better solution to my gastrointestinal issues, but because of my family's medical woes in the last year and the astronomical amount of money we were spending on that, I had to put myself on the backburner. I really need to get treatment again (surgery or meds? both? not sure). I finally said enough is enough and I scheduled doctor appointments with a new team of doctors after I was dissatisfied with my last one. That appointment is on Monday and I'm optimistic that I will see relief soon. It's been a long time coming and it was time to put myself first. With regards to my asthma, thankfully, with the weight loss and more focused marathon training last year, I feel like I've made big strides with improvement and better control of my asthma. I didn't have any real trouble with it. However, my allergies that lead to asthma issues need to be addressed in a more permanent manner. I finally scheduled the appointment I will need to begin allergy shots. It's a huge commitment but it was time I stopped putting it off. The scoliosis? Yeah, that's not exactly going away, and because of the imbalance it creates in my lower body, I have to be extra diligent with physical therapy exercises and weight lifting to keep my imbalance from causing running injuries.

My family medical history is probably one of the biggest motivators to me taking charge of my physical health. I can't control genetic predispositions to anything, but I can still do whatever I can to fight off other preventable diseases. I refuse to be limited by things that I am 100% in control over, and when I've seen things start to go sideways I always try to right the ship by putting more focus and effort into nutrition and exercise. To people on the outside, I seem obsessed. I really don't care. I know how devastating preventable illnesses can be and if it's something I can control, well, then that's what I'm going to do. I have a lot of plans for the present and the future and I don't want any limitations.

I guess the moral of the story is that when you're feeling completely overwhelmed by things outside your control, sometimes what can bring you back from the abyss is finding those things that you CAN control and putting more focus into those. It can be something small, or many small things, or something big. But there is always something that is within your control. Taking hold of that can help you reset your mind and bring a bright spot into what can many times be a very dark and dreary time.

Random Thoughts

In the last week, I've started and deleted a few blog posts. None of them sounded right to me, and frankly, I thought they were boring.

It's been 18 days since the marathon, and I'm definitely finding a dullness in the aftermath. Don't get me wrong, I am still so thrilled with my race and impatient for April 15, 2019, to get here. Heck, for registration to get here in September even.

But there's definitely a lull in the storm right now and I'm feeling a little all over the place.

So maybe that's how this blog post should be. Random and all over the place.

I'm slowly getting back into 30+ mile running weeks, but the comeback is slow. My legs are still pretty spent, although I've had a few good runs. This morning's was not so good as I tried to incorporate some short speed intervals into the run. It was a little too much and my heartrate was too high and it felt like too much of a chore. So back to some really easy miles this weekend and we'll try again for the speed next week. This slow comeback is probably completely to blame for the lull I feel.

I've got a few races on my calendar, two 10k's and a 12-person 200-mile relay. I'd like to have some strong performances so I am focusing my training on those races right now. I'll be keeping long runs and some good volume into my training plan, with some tough speedwork thrown in as soon as my body can handle it. I haven't raced a road 10K since 2012, and much longer than that since I've tried to PR, so it's time to shave a whole heck of a lot of minutes off my really soft 10K PR. I'm hoping for good weather and a 48 minute race. My other 10K is a trail race, so that will be a nice change of pace. The relay will require some long run dedication, and I'm fine with that as it's a great excuse to keep up on my weekend long runs, which I love (for the most part!).

But we all know my mind has been really consumed with thoughts of Boston. My apologies already, because I'm officially obsessed. My thoughts have been a bit crazy at times. It still seems surreal to me.

I'm a decent runner, but I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of being good enough for the Boston Marathon. It's always seemed like the race for OTHER people, and I was always in awe when my friends would qualify and run it. It wasn't until pretty recently that I started to really think about my chances. Back in 2016 when I realized the qualification window for my new age group opened up the next year (for the 2019 race, when I'd be 45), I couldn't get it out of my head. My husband traveled to Hopkinton for business and bought me a Boston shirt to get me excited about the possibility of chasing this goal. He took photos and the start and finish and it definitely affected him being there. He wanted this for me, too. The seeds had been planted and the journey would begin.

But in reality, I had so far to go. I just wasn't a good marathoner and even a 3:55 seemed insane to me. But it was worth a shot. I knew I needed to whittle my weight down to 125 pounds (while keeping my muscles and strength...not of this skinny crap without substance for me) and really increase my running volume and the quality of my training plan if I had any shot to get that much better. Luckily, I had time on my side (although, in hindsight, it wasn't a lot of time at all).

The thought that I wasn't deserving of joining this elite group of runners was always in the back of my mind - ALWAYS - no matter how confident I appeared to be on the outside. I'm just not one of those folks that's seen a lot of glory. I fall short often (that sure sounds whiny), and I don't really view myself as much of a "winner." To be a Boston Qualifier, you've gotta be damn good.

Waiting until I turned 45 would give me far better chances of succeeding. To go from a 3:45 to a 3:55 qualification time was huge to me. It almost felt like cheating to be able to qualify in the 45-49 age group while I was still 43 years old, but after realizing that tons of other people have this advantage as well made me feel a little better, and this is how Boston has it set up, so who am I to argue?

Something sure clicked in my brain over the summer because I accomplished the things I set out to do - weight loss, higher volume, no injuries, faster paces. It came together for me and I ended up running two really stellar races. I legit earned my place at the start line (you know, provided 5:07 is a good enough buffer).

When the fiasco with the shortened course happened in Mississippi, it very easily could have broken me. I honestly wasn't surprised something like this would happen to me. After all, I wasn't one of those folks that wins. So of course, even though I ran a fantastic race, of course it didn't matter and I wasn't really a qualifier. Frankly, the fact that it didn't break me kind of shocks me. I struggle with many mental issues, so this could've gone pretty badly for me.

But, except for a few really down days, I don't think this was much more than a blip for me in the land of self-pity. I bounced back almost right away. My good attitude seemingly came out of nowhere.

I've been thinking a lot about that attitude, which leads me to the next random thoughts on this post.

GRACE. Y'all know what grace is, but few people truly know how to show it. Our country is in the midst of a complete failure of grace...it seems like nobody has any idea of how to show it and instead people retreat into their own little selfish spheres, and it's truly sad. People are just awful to each other about the smallest things. I had to show a whole heck of a lot of grace to the race directors of Mississippi and Louisiana (my second chance marathon). I could've ripped into them like countless other folks did. But I refused to. They felt bad enough. Grace could help carry me to the start line in Louisiana. There was definitely a higher power at work on my mind in this, however. No way could I have had the kind of attitude I had without some major intervention on God's part. He found a way to speak through me and my misfortune. Not that I want to pat myself on my back, but I am really proud of how I handled that situation.

CONTROL. I had zero control over the disqualification of the Mississippi course. Anything I did or said or whined about wasn't going to change what happened. But there were a million things I could control and I had to push the situation out of my head so I could get back in the game and work on all those things within my control. I was in control of my training, my diet, my sleep, all the things I needed to be on top of to have another great race day. And I could control my attitude. I HAD TO.

I honestly think those two things are what carried me across that second finish line in 3:49:53. Sure, I had to be physically capable, but if I had allowed the Mississippi situation anymore room in my head, it would have derailed the race in Louisiana. Mind games can ruin the most perfect race. Not to say it wasn't a struggle. Forcing the disqualification out, coupled with forcing my doubt out of my head, helped me succeed a second time.

But the DOUBT. Oh my gosh, there was so much doubt no matter how much I knew I was capable of an encore BQ. How could I not doubt it? I had never even come close to a 3:55 before, and here I was trying to do it TWICE in 5 weeks? What kind of crack was I smoking? So yeah, pushing the doubt out was just a wee bit difficult.

Something pretty amazing happened at that start line, though. The stars aligned, my mind was right, the course was spectacular, and my legs and my heart did what was expected of them.

So needless to say, I'm now obsessed with Boston and the fact that I will be running with thirty thousand others from Hopkinton to Boyston Street. Envisioning the race gives me goosebumps. Remember, this race is for the best marathoners out there! A year ago, I was a crappy marathoner! This isn't something that was supposed to happen for little ol' me. But it sure looks like reality now, and reality is pretty sweet, I must say.

Perhaps I'm focusing so much on this small aspect of my life because I feel so OUT of control in other areas. There are plenty of times when I feel like the world's worst parent and my son and I are struggling mightily to get along with each other. My daughter and I are doing okay, and after a really difficult time, she seems to be feeling better about herself. But I honestly don't have much control over where their heads are, as much as I try to support and guide them. Having my running goals is a good way to channel my energy into something healthy that I can control (....or mostly control). It's a big fat positive in the middle of some difficult and negative years on the parenting front. Perhaps this is why I cling so fiercely to my physical health...I can control it almost entirely and it gives me a sense of peace and direction and strength. I now feeling a whole new blog post taking shape in my mind as I write this.

Thanks for listening to my randomness. It always helps to write it out and work through it.

Breathe

When 2017 started, I chose PEACE as my "word for the year." It served as a reminder of who I wanted to be and who God wanted me to be. In order to accomplish my goals I needed to embrace peace. I'd like to say that for the most part, I was successful. It took a lot of outside help...friends, my husband, medication, a whole lot of running with some big goals, and a few cocktails.

It was a tough year on the parenting front. So very tough. I feel like I say that every single year, but it's true.

I just don't have easy kids. I have a genius son who has trouble expressing compassion, thrives on being contrary, and doesn't live up to his potential at school (although there's a lot of improvement this year), and an overly sensitive, anxiety-ridden daughter who requires therapy and struggles greatly at school.

It's never ending and exhausting and there are some days when I want to scream because WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE EASY. It's incredibly hard to not compare my situation with others' whose family lives seem relatively easy, with kids who smile for the camera, love adventure, and get straight A's. You know, what everyone thinks life is going to be like when you have kids.

Ugh.

But somehow I made it through the year with more peace. Somehow, some way, I managed to have a whole lot of wins in the midst of the losses.

This year, my word is BREATHE.

You know how when you're in the middle of a tough workout and you feel like your breathing is just way too hard and rapid? But then you take some deep breaths and force yourself to slow it down and you start to feel so much better and stronger?

That's how I need 2018 to be. I need to remember to BREATHE.

The other day we were driving from Southern California back home to Central Texas. My husband and I decided to take a little side trip to Tombstone, Arizona, a place we'd never been and thought might be fun to see. The week in California had been more stressful than we had anticipated, with a medical emergency that threw us for a loop and a bit of a chaotic Christmas Day that caused my daughter an incredible amount of social anxiety. We wanted to take our time a bit more on the roadtrip back home, to appreciate what was around us rather than being anxious to get home.

My son was having none of it. No way did he want to take a two hour side trip to a little town with "nothing to offer." He was just plain nasty to us. To keep from throttling him, I had to force myself to take deep breaths and to do my best to keep my mouth shut. Not too successfully, I might add. Unfortunately, his attitude didn't get better, but somehow we got back on the road with him still alive. It was a total test in parental patience. The next day his attitude did not improve much, as we took a side trip to Cloudcroft, New Mexico, for tubing. Once again, he was having none of it. Thankfully, once he started tubing, he actually found himself having fun. But leading up to that first run down the tube hill I was a wreck from dealing with his surly attitude and the effect it was having on his sister's emotions. I removed myself from his presence, took the dogs on a walk, and remembered to BREATHE. Things turned around and the day was successful after all.

Did I mention that I just really want things to just be easy? Just once?

I will have another opportunity to focus on "just breathing" in 13 days, when I try to qualify for Boston again. As you know, my first qualifying marathon from 22 days ago was disqualified due to a short course, forcing me to try again if I want to run the Boston Marathon in 2019. It's not ideal. It's actually downright scary. I waver between confidence and terror on a daily basis right now. Because I raced hard on December 10, my body needed time to recover in order to turn around and race hard again on January 14. I think I've done a decent job with recovery, even with the travel, but I'm not 100%. I know I'm doing things right, but I'm also slightly scared that I've messed up my fitness and that I won't be ready in time. I got so used to running 50 mile weeks that these last weeks of much lower mileage and intensity are really messing with my head.

When I feel like my anxiety about it is getting out of hand, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths and feel so much better. Taking those moments to breathe deeply and focus on the positives I have going into the race definitely helps.

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT

When I'm running the marathon, I'll need to remember to breathe slowly and deliberately. It's easy to allow your breathing to get shallow and rapid and it's a surefire way to derail a good race. With experience, I've managed to turn this around time and time again during a race. In the last 6 miles of my last marathon, I found myself coming up alongside several folks who were really struggling, as many do in the last part of a marathon. They were breathing heavy, losing their form, and just trying to get through each mile one step at a time. It reminded me to stand up straight, throw my shoulders back, take another deep breath, and relax my breathing so I didn't fall victim to this dreaded "wall." I'm sure I'll need to do this countless times on January 14.

JUST BREATHE.