Welcome to 2025 and my year to TRUST

Every year I pick my theme for the year and do my best to live by it. I wasn't going to do that this year as I just wasn't feeling inspired to go that deep, or to even write. I haven't written on my blog in almost 5 months. 

It's been a confusing and trying few months for me.

And then of course the universe had other plans and for the past few days, I've been hit over the head with one word:

TRUST

The very first page of my new journal gifted
 to me by our church staff

Seen on Instagram right after the new year started

Seen on Instagram five minutes later

Fine then. TRUST it is! Thank you, Lord, for smacking me over the head with growth, opportunity, and a big spiritual lesson.

Last year I vowed to grow my faith so I could live life trusting God even when I couldn't see how things were going to work out. Well, apparently it wasn't enough and now we are going deeper and throwing a tough word at me for this year, because I pretty much failed to live up to my own standard in 2024.

Without going too deep into my past, my personal life, and my traumatic moments, let's just say that my trust has been tested dramatically in my lifetime. Therapy over the last few years, diving into scripture, understanding myself and my faith journey on deeper levels...all that has shaped my current feeling on TRUST and what that means in my personal relationships and in my relationship with God.

My conclusion in this last year is that I am a person who just DOESN'T trust easily. I used to be. WAY TOO MUCH. It bit me in the ass countless times, leading to deep wounds and deep trauma, so I did what any sane person would do and I completely shifted to the opposite side and question everyone's motives and everyone's words, wondering if they're completely full of crap. 

This isn't good. And it's not what God would want from me. There's a balance to be had in having boundaries but also being willing to open up and be fully known. There's a place to put my full trust in God, knowing he's in control and he loves me and he will provide.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6 

It's honestly been an exhausting few months being inside my own head. My therapist is probably exhausted, too. This isn't where I want to be, so 2025 is where I MUST trust God fully and completely, even when I don't understand. The times when I've been able to do this have enabled me to survive some pretty big hardships.

In 2022, Greg took a job that required him to work in Seattle, but we made the decision to maintain our home in Round Rock as well, figuring we could make it work for a couple years and see what happens. Well, what is happening is that we are still living in two places....and it's now 2025. I didn't envision feeling so unsettled in this situation and being forced to trust that things will work out. I like a plan. I don't have a plan. How am I supposed to trust that "everything will work out?"

I like Seattle. We continue to have some pretty great adventures. But I don't want to live here permanently. I also like Austin. But it's not my forever home, either, although our adult kids live full time in our home there. I'm looking forward to retirement in a few years, but living for the future is unsettling and I need to find contentment and peace in the present situation, which means....yes, TRUSTing that we are where we are supposed to be and TRUSTing that God will provide direction and opportunity for our family. 

Remember, we walk by faith and not by sight.

My thoughts are pretty jumbled, honestly. Have you read the book "I Want to Trust You, But I Can't?" by Lysa Terkeurst? If you've ever been burned in your life, if you think of yourself as someone with trust issues, if you try to control outcomes so you don't get blindsided....ahem, ME....then this book is perfect for you. The personal and/or professional difficulties you've encountered don't have to mean you live as a victim. We don't have to walk around with a chip on our shoulder because of the actions of another person/other people. We can make a difficult choice to be transformed by those experiences and not let them guide our futures in a negative way, but rather empower us to grow closer to God and deepen our spiritual journey and our purpose. The book is intense, the lessons are incredibly difficult, but the conclusions are vital for growth.

You can't control others, but you CAN control yourself.

I’m working on it.

One thing that I’m disappointed about and trying to come to terms with is missing out on teaching in the upcoming Re|Engage class at church. Greg and I took the fall semester off as we had participated and/or led the previous three semesters and it’s healthy to take a break. Unfortunately with Amazon’s 5-days-per-week in the office policy for 2025, we aren’t available on Monday nights as Greg (or both of us) must be in Seattle. I felt like we had found such a good place to help others, to guide them spiritually in their marriages, to share our story, and just feel true purpose in this stage of our lives. It WAS working for us to commit to Mondays and then fly to Seattle Tuesday morning. Hopefully we can still find a way to contribute with our personal story/lesson via video at some point in the semester.

Again, while this isn’t exactly how I envisioned my leadership journey, I’m choosing to TRUST we are where we need to be. Truly thankful for all the other leaders stepping up at Gateway Church when we can’t. 

I may also have a bug in my ear about furthering my spiritual ministry into life coaching at church. I’m currently praying and asking God for guidance and peace. Who knew my 1997 degree in psychology may actually produce more fruit! 

God continues to have plans for me, ones that I can start to see and others that are still in the shadows. He knows my purpose, he knows my gifts, and he has every intention on using me for good. Deep breaths, deep trust, and a lot of peace as a result....that is my plan for 2025.

25 years + an injury update + insecurities

I really miss having a running blog! But, alas, being an injured runner means I don't have a whole lot to say except that I seriously miss running and I wonder if I'll ever be able to run like I used to. It's pretty pathetic, honestly. But I'm taking this spine injury seriously and not doing anything to jeopardize my recovery. That means no running.....for a very very long time. More on that later in this post.

Instead, since this is my blog and I can write what I'm inspired by, be it running or life or health or faith or family, I'm shifting my focus to something that has nothing to do with running.

Today, I'm inspired by a significant milestone that just passed.

About a year ago, Greg and I marked 25 years engaged (February 21, 1998), and I wrote a blog post about what I had learned about Christian marriages through all the mistakes and triumphs during our time together. Going through the Bible and spending so many hours deeply thinking about how that applies to us and to society was therapeutic to me. I hope it also helped others to reassess where they were in their own marriages, reaffirming what they were doing well and also giving them pause on where they could improve. I've actually gone back and read through that post several times. It has helped me as Greg and I continue our marriage ministry at our church.

On May 8 we celebrated 25 years of marriage. The silver anniversary. A BIG FREAKING HUGE MILESTONE. We've been married for a quarter century, AN ENTIRE GENERATION. We got married in the 1900's, y'all!

And I'd marry him all over again. He is always who I would choose. 

We were in Seattle for our anniversary and enjoyed our few days there, checking out a restaurant we hadn't been to before (The Pink Door). In just a few short weeks we will be embarking on our Alaskan cruise to REALLY celebrate. 

25 roses

Spectacular place to see the northern lights

In the year since I wrote that blog post, and despite another year with us essentially living in two separate cities, I like to think that not only have we grown even closer (yes, that's possible even after nearly three decades together), but we have branched out and extended help to several couples through our church and in our personal lives. We have taken a hard look at where we have fallen short for each other, what we've done very well, and where we want to be. 

We are in this for life. Of that I have no doubts.

But a long marriage is not the the goal. Plenty of people have long marriages. More people need to have a long fulfilling marriage, and sadly I think that's lacking in society.

We want a THRIVING MARRIAGE. A marriage that isn't without conflict, but one that is so solid that despite conflict, we always find a way through it. We are honest, vulnerable, and safe for each other. We don't have to avoid hard conversations for fear of the repercussions. We have the hard conversations so we can be even closer. We have some form of intimacy daily, even when we are apart, but especially when we are together. 

Being married for a long time is great, but having true oneness in that long marriage is the absolute best. And it's never too late.

We won't settle for less, and if either one of us is falling short, we have to fix that. It took us both a really long time to truly understand that, to truly understand what a biblical covenant of marriage should look like. And yes, we go to marriage counseling a few times a year to make sure we don't screw this up. 

Our marriage today is the best it's ever been. 

The gratitude is immense and I'll never stop shouting from the rooftops how incredible this is. I'm not dumb enough to think it'll be smooth sailing, however. There will always be difficult moments that we will have to navigate. That's true in every relationship.

Helping to lead the marriage ministry at our church is not where I would've expected to end up, but it has been so fulfilling and we are looking forward to continuing our work there, and to hopefully expanding that into other service areas at church. The more I lean on my faith, the more I want to learn, and the more I want to spread the good news that can be found in surrendering to that faith. I know Greg feels the same way. 

One thing in my life of which I'm certainly more unsure is my spine injury. I'm seriously struggling if I'm going to be honest. I'm in physical therapy twice a week when I'm in town, and avoiding any impact exercises. But it's tedious and annoying to feel twinges of nerve pain and stiffness and to know that I still have a disc where it doesn't belong. I have sessions scheduled right up until I leave for Seattle and our cruise, and then we will see how long I need to continue to go to a professional. It won't be like when I had to rehab my shoulder (30 sessions!) but I'm nine sessions in so far. 

It's making me so weary and so sad some days. 

I miss running. I miss feeling that high, to come home from a great run to start my day on a positive note. There's just nothing like a good run and I'm trying to navigate what is going to replace that for the time being. I miss that community, too. I miss lifting heavy weights and feeling strong.

I miss running with Greg. He can't run very much due to a setback, and it weighs heavy on us both. In our game room in our home we have a wall dedicated to our medals and race posters and shadow boxes of special races like Boston, and as we looked at it last night it made us both a bit wistful. There are so many incredible memories on that wall, things that we accomplished together. I miss those moments...the goals, the journey, the time we spent together. I don't want all that to just be in our past. 

All of this feeds my insecurity and there are days that it wins out, unfortunately. It's hard enough being 50 years old now. My 40s were my decade of being in the best shape of my life, of feeling like there was no limit to what I could do....and now I'm navigating a new decade without being able to put my body to the test like before. It's not permanent, but I'm impatient. The journey of building fitness, of pushing my limits, of finding new adventures is just so fun, and it makes me feel so good about myself. How do I deal with these insecurities? I'm still trying to figure that out.

Faith

As the new year begins, I've chosen my theme. I spent 2023 growing stronger in my faith in Jesus, while practicing gratitude for all the ways I have been blessed. This year, my faith will take on even bigger meaning. I will walk in my faith daily and be an example to others on how trusting in God can transform your life, can guide you, and can enrich every aspect of your day.

FAITH

Living with faith, growing your faith, trusting in your faith is not an easy endeavor. God never promised us a problem-free life, and for many, these problems seem insurmountable. To live by faith means that you trust even when you can't see it, even when it doesn't make sense, even in your deepest pain. You live with an eternal perspective, not a worldly perspective. In your deepest sorrow, you can turn to God to bring you through it.

As Greg and I continue in our commissioning as leaders at our church, we are entrusted to live this way, to show others the power of belief, and this new purpose in my life brings peace, perspective, and abundance. I'm excited and humbled to see what 2024 brings in my church community and beyond.

I committed to finding gratitude in 2023. While I still struggled and some days seemed brutally hard, I never went long without realizing my blessings and shifting my perspective to the good in my life and in the world. 

It was fun to look back on the previous year and to reflect on the adventures, and as I looked through all our countless photos I definitely had a big smile on my face. It was a good year, a difficult year, a year of abundance and learning and growing. With all the plans we have for 2024, I have no doubt that the positives will far outweigh any struggles, that we will see so many new things and experience far more than we can see right now. We have choices on how we want to begin a year, and I'm beginning this one looking forward while coming to peace with the past and all that it has taught me.

Back in July, I posted about our year so far, so I'll continue here where we left off....the second half of 2023 in pictures....enjoy!

Ending July with family in Seattle

My first race since 2021 (Snoqualmie, WA)

We lost a very special friend, Alison, to cancer in July

Great friends+Austin=LOVE

Summer of concerts continues - Bryan Adams, Seattle, August

Greg's first time in Nashville, August

Luke Bryan, Bridgestone Arena

Gibson Garage+caught in the rain

Just have to trust

Greg is funny with his gifts

I'm pretty funny, too

Back in Seattle on a gorgeous day, September

It may have been cold and rainy, but we had a blast on Mt. Rainier

Visited my sister on her birthday

We have a lot of advenutres!

Important reminder to walk out our faith

Sometimes my dogs are cute

I went to Seattle about a dozen times this year.
The rain did not stop me from getting in miles (October)

Weekend trip to Michigan, October

Hanging with Greg at work

Left my mark in Greg's office

25th Anniversary trip booked!

Back in Seattle, November

Greg traveled to Tokyo for the first time

I got terrible news about my spine (herniated and bulging discs)

Last trip of the year to Seattle for me, December

It's Christmas time!

Off to a party

Our 29th Christmas together

Last day of 2023!

Two more weeks until the milestone

Facts

It was a busy, fruitful, and totally crazy year. So much love, so much travel, so much growth, so much perseverance, so much hope. 

In two weeks, we head to Napa and then to Seattle to celebrate my birthday. While the thought of entering my 50s seems crazy to me, I'm looking forward to celebrating this month with those I love the most. 

My body is trying to kill me

Welp. 

So where were we? I was getting help for a “pulled muscle” and hoping to get back to running so I could race a half marathon to celebrate my newfound AARP status. 

That didn’t go as planned.

My pulled muscle actually ended up being a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, plus three more bulging discs. The pain I was having became excruciating. It actually scared the shit out of me.

I did not see this coming at all.

While I’m so thankful I found the right doctors and got the scans I needed for an accurate diagnosis and I have a great physical therapist helping me get back to being a marathoner…..holy Jesus, this is hard as hell. I have had five PT appointments so far, and today we actually progressed to more impact and added weight to the exercises. Positive forward momentum is what I am hoping for!

So the herniated disc is the worst of it all, but it’s not the only thing. Do you have popcorn handy? I feel like we need popcorn.

I have started referring to myself as the most messed up healthy person out there, because while I've spent nearly two decades focused on being healthy, functional, strong, and "young for my age" (for crap's sake, I was a personal trainer!), I have entirely too many frustrating physical issues. For the third time in 3 years, I have been sidelined from running for an issue not even related to running. A herniated disc might not be as big of an issue as that damn busted rotator cuff from 2020, but it's a pretty big deal regardless, enough so that I have to take recovery really seriously and be dedicated to daily physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Coming back to running without nerve pain is going to be a huge endeavor. I'm tired of huge endeavors, you know?

Anyway.....a recap of my history unrelated to rotator cuffs and herniated discs to get up to speed on everything I've been dealing with the last few months....

In 2009, I was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis, which is a chronic immune system disease where white blood cells called eosinophils build up in the esophagus, creating strictures that can cause food to get stuck. It's a potentially deadly disease if left untreated, as you can choke to death due to the strictures. It can be triggered by allergens and acid reflux, of which I have both. I have actually had this disease my entire life, but didn't have a name for it. All I knew was that I could never swallow any pills other than tiny ones, and food often got stuck in my throat, causing spasms and an inability to swallow for hours at a time. I finally went to an ENT, who then referred me to a gastroenterologist. I had an upper endoscopy done, where my esophagus was actually stretched (and then repeated two months later) and I had an official diagnosis.

So all the people who made fun of me for never being able to swallow pills....screw you. I physically couldn't and not one doctor thought to look further into that. They all thought it was psychological. 

For the past 14 years, I've been on and off acid reducers, and have had several upper endoscopies done with my esophagus stretched each time. It was looking like I would need to repeat this process every two to three years for the rest of my life. I had come to terms that this was just the hand I was dealt, and I was thankful to always have great health insurance and the financial ability to continue to pay for the procedures. 

Late last year, however, I got hopeful news. My allergist mentioned a drug, Dupixent, that had just gotten approval to treat eosinophilic esophagitis and would be the very first drug that would treat the actual disease, and not just the symptoms. It's a drug that is typically used for eczema and asthma (basically, shit that happens when your body attacks itself), but had shown promising results of actually reducing the number of eosinophils in the esophagus. I was thrilled at the possibility of actually getting control of my disease vs. just managing it. I started the weekly injections in March (I inject myself...it's not so bad). 

My insurance was requiring me to get another upper endoscopy done (my last one was in November 2022), in order to see if the medication was working. It's an extremely expensive drug and I needed positive results. Right after being informed of needing to get this scheduled by January, I had an episode that landed me in the ER in September.

While on a walk in Seattle, I started having intense chest pains, had trouble taking deep breaths, and my heartrate skyrocketed. I made it back to the apartment, thankfully, but my distress was increasing rapidly, so much so that I had to call 911. I had no idea where an ER was and just needed help. I didn't know if it was my heart or something else, but the pain was rapidly increasing. I got to head to the ER in an ambulance....oh how fun (and embarrassing).

Virginia Mason Hospital in downtown Seattle took great care of me. I had EKGs, a cat scan, tons of blood work done, and I got to rest a bit. The pain decreased but never dissipated completely. I had some scar tissue that showed up in my lungs (probably from my recent bout of Covid) and they could tell I had eosinophilic esophagitis, but nothing was totally alarming. It basically all pointed to a major acid reflux attack. I needed to chill out and go see my gastroenterologist for an upper endoscopy, which got scheduled for December 15. In the meantime, I needed to again be on an acid reducer in the hopes my stomach issues resolved themselves. I had a several more weeks of constant stomach pain but eventually it did substantially dissipate. 

Unfortunately I had one more intense physical ailment that scared the crap out of me before I had the opportunity to have my procedure. On December 4, while in Seattle (why does this city try to kill me?), I had a very sudden, very unexpected allergic reaction. About two hours after I had eaten, and right after an easy elliptical workout (during which I felt like absolute crap), I felt my bottom lip start to tingle. Within minutes, I could tell it was starting to swell. It very quickly reached an alarming level and I did a video visit with Teledoc. The doctor was concerned enough to tell me to head to the ER as it could move to my throat and cause anaphylaxis. 

Ever taken an Uber to the ER? I have!!

Greg met me at the ER (it's only a half mile from his office), and they saw me very quickly. At that point it wasn't getting any worse (the two Benadryl I had taken as soon as it started finally kicked in) but I needed to be monitored for about two hours to be sure it didn't spread. They got me set up by the nurse's station to hang out, I sent Greg back to work, and I got settled in to hope the swelling dissipated and I could just go home. People pay good money to get lip filler to look as ridiculous as me and I really don't understand that at all. 

While I was there, I got to witness a drug overdose, someone convulsing, someone vomiting in front of me, a screamer, a drunk lady in very bad shape (doctor quote: "were you drinking to celebrate or because you're really sad right now?"), and a dude on drugs who threw his shoes at the nurses next to me. Downtown Seattle on a Monday afternoon is pretty exciting, people.

My lip finally reduced in size within two hours, and they gave me even more meds, so I was ready to head back home. I even made it to Greg's work event on our rooftop that night for a little while, although I was drowsy from the drugs and didn't stay long. 

Now, mind you, this is all happening while I'm trying to do physical therapy for my back. Frankly, I'm getting tired of all this shit. I want a normal week in the life of a healthy Steph. Too much to ask?

So now we are at December 15, I have eliminated some things from my diet so I don't have another allergic reaction, and I am ready for my procedure to check on my esophagus and my stomach. It all went very smoothly, I even let Greg videotape me coming out of anesthesia because I was damn hilarious (Me: "can they give me more drugs?", Greg: "maybe we can get some to go!", me: "that's illegal. It killed Michael Jackson"....intriguing stuff right there). And now for the first bit of positive news in a really long time....

The drugs are working! Dupixent is actually REDUCING the eosinophils in my throat, it looks great, there's no sign of the gastritis that likely prompted September's ER visit, and I can continue taking the medication and don't need to see my gastroenterologist until June. It was honestly the absolute best case scenario.

After several months of frustrating ailments that seemed to keep happening one after another, this was welcome news! 

I know that some of my gastrointestinal struggles likely stem from chronic emotional stress. It's been a challenging couple of years and our routine as a family has taken a bit of a beating. As much as I try to manage my stress, I've had several bouts of being "too" stressed, it's affected my body and my frustration has increased. I need to continue to find ways to practice gratitude, to pray, to look for the positive, and to center myself. There are so many things that have been out of my control, but I am the only one in charge of my reactions to what life throws at me, and I need to better own that and to look for ways to steer my life in a better direction when I can. 

There are so many things to look forward to in 2024....starting with a 50th birthday trip to Napa with Greg, my in-laws, and some friends next month. Knowing that I'm physically healthier on some fronts, and working towards being more physically functional (and a marathoner again!) definitely reduces my anxiety. I don't want to get stuck in the funk...I want to LIVE.