25 years + an injury update + insecurities

I really miss having a running blog! But, alas, being an injured runner means I don't have a whole lot to say except that I seriously miss running and I wonder if I'll ever be able to run like I used to. It's pretty pathetic, honestly. But I'm taking this spine injury seriously and not doing anything to jeopardize my recovery. That means no running.....for a very very long time. More on that later in this post.

Instead, since this is my blog and I can write what I'm inspired by, be it running or life or health or faith or family, I'm shifting my focus to something that has nothing to do with running.

Today, I'm inspired by a significant milestone that just passed.

About a year ago, Greg and I marked 25 years engaged (February 21, 1998), and I wrote a blog post about what I had learned about Christian marriages through all the mistakes and triumphs during our time together. Going through the Bible and spending so many hours deeply thinking about how that applies to us and to society was therapeutic to me. I hope it also helped others to reassess where they were in their own marriages, reaffirming what they were doing well and also giving them pause on where they could improve. I've actually gone back and read through that post several times. It has helped me as Greg and I continue our marriage ministry at our church.

On May 8 we celebrated 25 years of marriage. The silver anniversary. A BIG FREAKING HUGE MILESTONE. We've been married for a quarter century, AN ENTIRE GENERATION. We got married in the 1900's, y'all!

And I'd marry him all over again. He is always who I would choose. 

We were in Seattle for our anniversary and enjoyed our few days there, checking out a restaurant we hadn't been to before (The Pink Door). In just a few short weeks we will be embarking on our Alaskan cruise to REALLY celebrate. 

25 roses

Spectacular place to see the northern lights

In the year since I wrote that blog post, and despite another year with us essentially living in two separate cities, I like to think that not only have we grown even closer (yes, that's possible even after nearly three decades together), but we have branched out and extended help to several couples through our church and in our personal lives. We have taken a hard look at where we have fallen short for each other, what we've done very well, and where we want to be. 

We are in this for life. Of that I have no doubts.

But a long marriage is not the the goal. Plenty of people have long marriages. More people need to have a long fulfilling marriage, and sadly I think that's lacking in society.

We want a THRIVING MARRIAGE. A marriage that isn't without conflict, but one that is so solid that despite conflict, we always find a way through it. We are honest, vulnerable, and safe for each other. We don't have to avoid hard conversations for fear of the repercussions. We have the hard conversations so we can be even closer. We have some form of intimacy daily, even when we are apart, but especially when we are together. 

Being married for a long time is great, but having true oneness in that long marriage is the absolute best. And it's never too late.

We won't settle for less, and if either one of us is falling short, we have to fix that. It took us both a really long time to truly understand that, to truly understand what a biblical covenant of marriage should look like. And yes, we go to marriage counseling a few times a year to make sure we don't screw this up. 

Our marriage today is the best it's ever been. 

The gratitude is immense and I'll never stop shouting from the rooftops how incredible this is. I'm not dumb enough to think it'll be smooth sailing, however. There will always be difficult moments that we will have to navigate. That's true in every relationship.

Helping to lead the marriage ministry at our church is not where I would've expected to end up, but it has been so fulfilling and we are looking forward to continuing our work there, and to hopefully expanding that into other service areas at church. The more I lean on my faith, the more I want to learn, and the more I want to spread the good news that can be found in surrendering to that faith. I know Greg feels the same way. 

One thing in my life of which I'm certainly more unsure is my spine injury. I'm seriously struggling if I'm going to be honest. I'm in physical therapy twice a week when I'm in town, and avoiding any impact exercises. But it's tedious and annoying to feel twinges of nerve pain and stiffness and to know that I still have a disc where it doesn't belong. I have sessions scheduled right up until I leave for Seattle and our cruise, and then we will see how long I need to continue to go to a professional. It won't be like when I had to rehab my shoulder (30 sessions!) but I'm nine sessions in so far. 

It's making me so weary and so sad some days. 

I miss running. I miss feeling that high, to come home from a great run to start my day on a positive note. There's just nothing like a good run and I'm trying to navigate what is going to replace that for the time being. I miss that community, too. I miss lifting heavy weights and feeling strong.

I miss running with Greg. He can't run very much due to a setback, and it weighs heavy on us both. In our game room in our home we have a wall dedicated to our medals and race posters and shadow boxes of special races like Boston, and as we looked at it last night it made us both a bit wistful. There are so many incredible memories on that wall, things that we accomplished together. I miss those moments...the goals, the journey, the time we spent together. I don't want all that to just be in our past. 

All of this feeds my insecurity and there are days that it wins out, unfortunately. It's hard enough being 50 years old now. My 40s were my decade of being in the best shape of my life, of feeling like there was no limit to what I could do....and now I'm navigating a new decade without being able to put my body to the test like before. It's not permanent, but I'm impatient. The journey of building fitness, of pushing my limits, of finding new adventures is just so fun, and it makes me feel so good about myself. How do I deal with these insecurities? I'm still trying to figure that out.

Unfortunate Health Update

It was only two weeks ago I wrote my last blog post about finding hope in affliction through my faith, and that I was on the mend from a lumbar disc herniation.

A lot can change in two weeks.

My last run was Thursday, April 4 and will likely be my last run of 2024. 

I have somehow reinjured my spine. My L4/L5 disc herniation reared its ugly head again on Friday morning and the second time around has been even more painful than the original injury last fall. I spent five days in excruciating pain as the disc compressed my nerve down my entire left leg. I was at a pain level of 8-9 with very little relief. Drugged myself up as much as I could, but until the inflammation goes down, real relief is futile. Every morning, after a fitful night of sleep, I would hope that I would have a little less pain and a little more mobility…to no avail. 

Five days of nerve pain absolutely drives you crazy. I was out of my mind yesterday. My orthopedist appointment wasn’t until today, Wednesday, and while I was able to get a round of prednisone and had a muscle relaxer on hand, no other home remedies were working. I decided yesterday afternoon to head to the ER. Greg also called my orthopedist to see if there was anything else I could do to ease the pain. 

Thankfully the ER did help me out with a morphine shot. It alleviated some of the pain and I was as high as a kite almost immediately, causing me to not even give a shit about the residual pain. Sweet relief from my misery, even if it would only last a few hours. At this same time, Greg and my doctor were getting me set up for an epidural injection first thing this morning - that, by the way, feels really funky. 

I had my doctor appointment this afternoon. Good news and bad news. Back to physical therapy, continuing those exercises to build up my strength and mobility, and a cessation of running and any impact activities for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t a surprise to me. I had been doing so well, so if I have to let one activity go to get my back fully healed, I’m willing to do so. 

If I think too much about it, however, I start feeling beaten down again. It’s been a brutal 3.5 years. To not be able to run again on Snoqualmie Trail, to not run a race in Huntington Beach…and all the other miles that make my heart happy….well, it absolutely crushes me. I find so much joy in that journey, and now I’ll have to shift for a long period of time to other activities that will better serve my broken body.

One of the things that hurts the most, however, is upsetting Greg. He hates to see me like this and I know my tears were tearing him up inside. I spent his 50th birthday in excruciating pain and couldn’t celebrate him like I wanted to and how he deserved. He’s such a rock to me, however, and puts himself aside to fully focus on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and that serves as motivation to do what I need to do, and not make stupid decisions that further hinder my healing and progress. I still envision us running many more miles together in the future.

The pain of running a marathon (if I ever get to do that again) will be a piece of cake to endure after all this. 

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

My body is trying to kill me

Welp. 

So where were we? I was getting help for a “pulled muscle” and hoping to get back to running so I could race a half marathon to celebrate my newfound AARP status. 

That didn’t go as planned.

My pulled muscle actually ended up being a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, plus three more bulging discs. The pain I was having became excruciating. It actually scared the shit out of me.

I did not see this coming at all.

While I’m so thankful I found the right doctors and got the scans I needed for an accurate diagnosis and I have a great physical therapist helping me get back to being a marathoner…..holy Jesus, this is hard as hell. I have had five PT appointments so far, and today we actually progressed to more impact and added weight to the exercises. Positive forward momentum is what I am hoping for!

So the herniated disc is the worst of it all, but it’s not the only thing. Do you have popcorn handy? I feel like we need popcorn.

I have started referring to myself as the most messed up healthy person out there, because while I've spent nearly two decades focused on being healthy, functional, strong, and "young for my age" (for crap's sake, I was a personal trainer!), I have entirely too many frustrating physical issues. For the third time in 3 years, I have been sidelined from running for an issue not even related to running. A herniated disc might not be as big of an issue as that damn busted rotator cuff from 2020, but it's a pretty big deal regardless, enough so that I have to take recovery really seriously and be dedicated to daily physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Coming back to running without nerve pain is going to be a huge endeavor. I'm tired of huge endeavors, you know?

Anyway.....a recap of my history unrelated to rotator cuffs and herniated discs to get up to speed on everything I've been dealing with the last few months....

In 2009, I was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis, which is a chronic immune system disease where white blood cells called eosinophils build up in the esophagus, creating strictures that can cause food to get stuck. It's a potentially deadly disease if left untreated, as you can choke to death due to the strictures. It can be triggered by allergens and acid reflux, of which I have both. I have actually had this disease my entire life, but didn't have a name for it. All I knew was that I could never swallow any pills other than tiny ones, and food often got stuck in my throat, causing spasms and an inability to swallow for hours at a time. I finally went to an ENT, who then referred me to a gastroenterologist. I had an upper endoscopy done, where my esophagus was actually stretched (and then repeated two months later) and I had an official diagnosis.

So all the people who made fun of me for never being able to swallow pills....screw you. I physically couldn't and not one doctor thought to look further into that. They all thought it was psychological. 

For the past 14 years, I've been on and off acid reducers, and have had several upper endoscopies done with my esophagus stretched each time. It was looking like I would need to repeat this process every two to three years for the rest of my life. I had come to terms that this was just the hand I was dealt, and I was thankful to always have great health insurance and the financial ability to continue to pay for the procedures. 

Late last year, however, I got hopeful news. My allergist mentioned a drug, Dupixent, that had just gotten approval to treat eosinophilic esophagitis and would be the very first drug that would treat the actual disease, and not just the symptoms. It's a drug that is typically used for eczema and asthma (basically, shit that happens when your body attacks itself), but had shown promising results of actually reducing the number of eosinophils in the esophagus. I was thrilled at the possibility of actually getting control of my disease vs. just managing it. I started the weekly injections in March (I inject myself...it's not so bad). 

My insurance was requiring me to get another upper endoscopy done (my last one was in November 2022), in order to see if the medication was working. It's an extremely expensive drug and I needed positive results. Right after being informed of needing to get this scheduled by January, I had an episode that landed me in the ER in September.

While on a walk in Seattle, I started having intense chest pains, had trouble taking deep breaths, and my heartrate skyrocketed. I made it back to the apartment, thankfully, but my distress was increasing rapidly, so much so that I had to call 911. I had no idea where an ER was and just needed help. I didn't know if it was my heart or something else, but the pain was rapidly increasing. I got to head to the ER in an ambulance....oh how fun (and embarrassing).

Virginia Mason Hospital in downtown Seattle took great care of me. I had EKGs, a cat scan, tons of blood work done, and I got to rest a bit. The pain decreased but never dissipated completely. I had some scar tissue that showed up in my lungs (probably from my recent bout of Covid) and they could tell I had eosinophilic esophagitis, but nothing was totally alarming. It basically all pointed to a major acid reflux attack. I needed to chill out and go see my gastroenterologist for an upper endoscopy, which got scheduled for December 15. In the meantime, I needed to again be on an acid reducer in the hopes my stomach issues resolved themselves. I had a several more weeks of constant stomach pain but eventually it did substantially dissipate. 

Unfortunately I had one more intense physical ailment that scared the crap out of me before I had the opportunity to have my procedure. On December 4, while in Seattle (why does this city try to kill me?), I had a very sudden, very unexpected allergic reaction. About two hours after I had eaten, and right after an easy elliptical workout (during which I felt like absolute crap), I felt my bottom lip start to tingle. Within minutes, I could tell it was starting to swell. It very quickly reached an alarming level and I did a video visit with Teledoc. The doctor was concerned enough to tell me to head to the ER as it could move to my throat and cause anaphylaxis. 

Ever taken an Uber to the ER? I have!!

Greg met me at the ER (it's only a half mile from his office), and they saw me very quickly. At that point it wasn't getting any worse (the two Benadryl I had taken as soon as it started finally kicked in) but I needed to be monitored for about two hours to be sure it didn't spread. They got me set up by the nurse's station to hang out, I sent Greg back to work, and I got settled in to hope the swelling dissipated and I could just go home. People pay good money to get lip filler to look as ridiculous as me and I really don't understand that at all. 

While I was there, I got to witness a drug overdose, someone convulsing, someone vomiting in front of me, a screamer, a drunk lady in very bad shape (doctor quote: "were you drinking to celebrate or because you're really sad right now?"), and a dude on drugs who threw his shoes at the nurses next to me. Downtown Seattle on a Monday afternoon is pretty exciting, people.

My lip finally reduced in size within two hours, and they gave me even more meds, so I was ready to head back home. I even made it to Greg's work event on our rooftop that night for a little while, although I was drowsy from the drugs and didn't stay long. 

Now, mind you, this is all happening while I'm trying to do physical therapy for my back. Frankly, I'm getting tired of all this shit. I want a normal week in the life of a healthy Steph. Too much to ask?

So now we are at December 15, I have eliminated some things from my diet so I don't have another allergic reaction, and I am ready for my procedure to check on my esophagus and my stomach. It all went very smoothly, I even let Greg videotape me coming out of anesthesia because I was damn hilarious (Me: "can they give me more drugs?", Greg: "maybe we can get some to go!", me: "that's illegal. It killed Michael Jackson"....intriguing stuff right there). And now for the first bit of positive news in a really long time....

The drugs are working! Dupixent is actually REDUCING the eosinophils in my throat, it looks great, there's no sign of the gastritis that likely prompted September's ER visit, and I can continue taking the medication and don't need to see my gastroenterologist until June. It was honestly the absolute best case scenario.

After several months of frustrating ailments that seemed to keep happening one after another, this was welcome news! 

I know that some of my gastrointestinal struggles likely stem from chronic emotional stress. It's been a challenging couple of years and our routine as a family has taken a bit of a beating. As much as I try to manage my stress, I've had several bouts of being "too" stressed, it's affected my body and my frustration has increased. I need to continue to find ways to practice gratitude, to pray, to look for the positive, and to center myself. There are so many things that have been out of my control, but I am the only one in charge of my reactions to what life throws at me, and I need to better own that and to look for ways to steer my life in a better direction when I can. 

There are so many things to look forward to in 2024....starting with a 50th birthday trip to Napa with Greg, my in-laws, and some friends next month. Knowing that I'm physically healthier on some fronts, and working towards being more physically functional (and a marathoner again!) definitely reduces my anxiety. I don't want to get stuck in the funk...I want to LIVE. 

Positives and Negatives

So many plans...so many ways they can get screwed up! 

It's been a rough couple of months for me, so I'll start with the crappy stuff. 

Back in early September, I had a bit of a health scare while in Seattle that required a trip to the ER. I'm fine, but it requires a follow up with my specialist here in Round Rock, scheduled in early November. I seem to be improving but I likely will need a minor procedure done before the end of year. This all came only a couple weeks after having a pretty bad bout of Covid. Could be related, not really sure. The good thing is that for the most part, I'm feeling better. I have had blood work done and things look good on that front.

(This of course happens when I'm starting serious marathon training for my February 4 race)

During September I was also having some sciatica trouble, had a pulled gluteus medius, and just general tightness in my hips/back. I did what I could and continued strengthening and running, but it was slow going. On October 15, I ran 10 miles and actually felt pretty great. Unfortunately the good feelings didn't last as within a couple hours, I had debilitating sciatica. I hoped some rest that day and night would help it ease up, but I woke up Monday in even more pain. It just wasn't normal and my movement was severely limited. I was scheduled to fly with Greg to Seattle the next day, and found an Airrosti provider a few minutes' walk from our apartment there, so I booked him. There was just no way I was getting to the bottom of my pain without some professional help.

Unfortunately, the news wasn't great. I have a severely inflamed gluteus medius and piriformis, and very tight psoas muscles. What I was doing was actually making it worse, not better, and I had to immediately stop running (which I had already done) and only do the physical therapy and stretching prescribed by the doctor. The inflammation needed to come down in order for me to be able to start running again.

With less than 4 months from my marathon and not nearly enough base miles in the bank, I had to downgrade my race to the half marathon. I refuse to half-ass marathon training. I will never disrespect the distance by not putting in sufficient work leading up to the race, and with my ability to run still questionable, I would not be able to properly train. 

A big fat positive in all this - Greg is signed up for the half and is going to run it with me. I told him he could race on his own, but because he's pretty much the best husband ever, he would rather enjoy the race with me.

SWOON

I saw my regular Airrosti provider here in Texas yesterday and he found the same issues that the other doctor did, and I have added work to do to get me back in shape. It's not going to be easy, but I have to follow doctor's orders. 

I'm really REALLY hoping I can resume running next week. Slowly and carefully of course. 

I have another marathon on my radar for June of next year, The Light at the End of the Tunnel marathon in Snoqualmie. Should be plenty of time to be a good patient, get my body into better shape, and complete a respectable training cycle. 

So what's happening that's positive?

The Best Husband Ever has booked us our 25th anniversary trip for next year. 

25 years!!

The gratitude I feel at that kind of milestone is immense. We could just be hanging out at home in our pajamas to celebrate and I would love and appreciate every second of it, but instead we will be on an Alaskan cruise, embarking just down the road from our apartment in Seattle. I am not a cruise girl and have only been on one over 20 years ago, but I have always thought an Alaskan cruise would be so fun and interesting. I'm really excited!

Did I mention 25 years??

Another really meaningful thing we've started is leading a marriage class (ReEngage) at our church and we are working on being commissioned as leaders. Giving back and building community as church leaders is something I'm pretty passionate about and it feels good to have a new purpose. My faith is my Number One, and if I can reach others and help them improve their marriages, well then that's pretty freaking awesome, isn't it?

I was also able to fly to Michigan to see a few of my incredible friends this month. Just what my heart needed. 

Being down on my luck physically....and missing Greg a lot since he's in Seattle so much and I don't always get to go with him....is tough to deal with. I have good days and bad days, but I'm trying to practice gratitude and pray for contentment in all circumstances (thank you Philippians 4:11). 

So here's to making more memories, great marriages, awesome travel, the bestest friends, and seriously cool adventures. 

So many things

 June has been.....INTERESTING.

I started off the month feeling like utter crap. It was disconcerting....high heartrate, fatigue that was unrelenting, shortness of breath, just a lot of very concerning things. My body was not cooperating on runs, nor during everyday things. My hip was really starting to hurt (I suspected bursitis), so I knew that wasn't helping matters at all. 

On June 6, I threw in the towel on my long run and called Greg to come pick me up 2 miles in. I was running 11 minute pace (my very easy pace), and my heartrate climbed quickly into Zone 3 and was staying there. I couldn't breathe correctly and just felt like I was running through cement. I was DONE with feeling like this.

I got a doctor appointment the next day and he listened to all my concerns. Bloodwork to check pretty much everything was ordered and my blood was drawn (4 vials!) right there at the office. I made another doctor appointment with my orthopedist's office the next day to have my hip checked out.

The ortho agreed with me regarding my hip - it really looked like bursitis, which is an annoying condition but totally something that can be overcome. BACK TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! My poor, poor physical therapist. I also got a cortisone shot, my first one ever. No running for the rest of the week, which I was definitely okay with since I felt like crap on every run anyway.

I got my bloodwork results back later that day. Everything fell within normal ranges. HOWEVER, my ferritin was bordering on too low, particularly for an endurance athlete, and my Vitamin D was back down to the low level of normal. Thankfully my thyroid was functioning okay (I only have half a thyroid) and my blood panel didn't indicate anything alarming. So I doubled my regular iron and Vitamin D supplements, and would continue to take Vitamin B12, fish oil, and magnesium as usual (yes, it's a lot but I'm a middle aged woman and I'll do whatever it takes to feel good!).

The doctor and I had discussed my discontinuation of mood regulators, which I had been taking for years. I tapered off them in February and what I was experiencing could be a delayed reaction to the withdrawal of the medication. The biggest issue, however, was the amount of stress in my life. I am massively stressed almost daily due to some situations that are really beyond my control. I have been trying to use other methods in helping me deal with the stress, but it's entirely possible that it's just not enough, and the mood regulator was doing more good than I thought, and even if I wasn't feeling particularly "depressed" (I'm not), the medication was helping me control my stress levels. 

Well, crap. I really didn't want to go back on the medication. I take zero prescription meds and I like it that way.

But I needed to help resolve this problem. My body was physically deteriorating due to stress, and with the addition of higher levels of supplements and a reintroduction of a mood regulator, I could still turn it around. I am a healthy person and should be feeling better! So I restarted the medication at half the dose I was taking previously. It's only been a few days and I'll be able to judge the effectiveness in a few weeks.

I don't like being dependent on something, but like a friend of mine said recently, a diabetic wouldn't think to stop taking insulin, so someone with a mood regulation problem should also do whatever medically necessary to keep themselves healthy. She's totally right. And I shouldn't feel bad for needing this.

Around the same time as this, Greg was a total SWEETHEART and surprised me with a brand new Garmin Fenix 6S sapphire watch. He was proud of me for how far I've come since my October accident and how excited I am to begin marathon training next month, and wanted to give me everything he could to aid in my training. My previous watch is a Fenix 5S, so definitely a pretty sweet watch but the features on the 6S are just the coolest! Heat acclimation, load focus, and an improved race predictor. I just love it!

I may have also purchased the Saucony Endorphin Pro 2 shoes, even though I never even raced in my original pair of Endorphin Pros. But how can I resist a checkered pattern?

Now....about my hip. I have a feeling that in the months during my shoulder rehab when I wasn't moving my arm much but was still going on very long walks, I developed a worse than usual imbalance (I have scoliosis so I'm always a bit imbalanced). Because my shoulder was still healing and I was very limited in my movements and exercises, strength training was minimal. The imbalance turned into inflammation and bursitis on that side. So back to physical therapy I went last week, to the same guy who helped me through my shoulder rehab. But this time, the work is much more exciting for him since it involves strengthening and not just ROM exercises. He agrees with the orthopedist that it's likely bursitis, and he pinpointed my core/glute weaknesses that are contributing to the problem. He has me doing daily exercises and I see him 1-2 times per week. Unfortunately the cortisone shot only took away some of the discomfort. I probably needed a second shot in a different location, but I will say that the strengthening is already making a bit of a difference. 

In the midst of all this, I'm obviously running far less in June than I did in the previous two months. I'm keeping my runs shorter, and trying to focus on the little things like foot turnover and form and not being so damn afraid to run fast (tripping on a run and destroying your shoulder will put the fear in you like nothing else). Short intervals, shorter base runs, no long runs, 4-5 days per week of running. It's not a lot, but it's consistent and it's helping me heal and while it will always suck, I feel like my body is acclimating to the heat and humidity (my watch agrees with me!). Also, I actually sort of love the feature on the Fenix 6S that gives you suggested workouts, so for the past 2+ weeks I've just been doing whatever it tells me to. I don't always hit the paces it says I should but I don't think it adjusts the suggested workout paces for weather, so I just roll with it. 

Technically I start marathon training in two weeks and I've rewritten the first few weeks of the plan to build my long run. Originally I planned to have a base of 10-12 mile long runs, but that's out the window for now, so I'll be starting at six miles and building from there. Before long I'll be at 40+ mile weeks and I'm looking forward to finally feeling better.

Oh, and we are remodeling and it's taking longer than I had anticipated. Who knew that EVERYONE ELSE is also remodeling??

So, in summary....

STRESS SUCKS

PEOPLE WHO STRESS ME OUT SUCK

BEING NEEDY SUCKS

HOWEVER, GREAT MEN MAKE AWESOME HUSBANDS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE MINE

Keep Showing Up

Remember when I said back when I first injured myself and wouldn't be running for months that I would never take running for granted again?

I'm trying so hard to remind myself to never take running for granted again. 

It's just that it's hard and while I usually don't shy away from hard things, I'm feeling pretty sad about the days when it felt somewhat easy.

It's not even so much about my pace (which of course is slower than it used to be at the same effort), but about how I FEEL. My breathing sucks, I feel awkward, there's no "flow." I know the pace changes will happen naturally, and that they probably won't happen until I incorporate speed work, but I just want to remember what it feels like to finish a run invigorated rather than irritated that it didn't feel smooth. I don't have the runner's high I used to have. 

I will admit that in the 50 degree temps and lower humidity of this morning, I felt better than I had in awhile. I wish that included sub-10 minutes with my heart rate in the 120s, but alas, we can't have everything. But overall, considering I ran longer than I have since injury (8 miles!), I felt pretty good when I was done. I ran anywhere from 10:15 to 11:08 miles, so in my old "easy/recovery pace" zone, and my heartrate average was 133, which is better than it's usually been. I do have a few wins to claim from this run, so I'm trying to look at the positive. 

I RAN 8 MILES!! Not long ago it seemed like that distance was a pipe dream and I did it without much difficulty today. 

I think it's time to incorporate speed work once a week. That won't involve anything crazy, just a minute or two at a time at probably a moderate pace rather than anything faster than my old marathon pace. Who knows? I have no idea how speeding up is going to feel, both physically and mentally. I still have a lot of demons to slay with regards to fear while running. Since my injury occurred because I tripped on a tiny thing while running, I'm still pretty terrified of doing that again and pretty much permanently losing shoulder function if I fall on it again. Unreasonable fear, probably, but fear nonetheless. How is this going to translate to trying to run faster? Is it going to hinder me? Remains to be seen. 

My virtual 5K is next weekend but since I have done zero faster running, I have no expectations. I'll just cruise at an effort that is not super easy but not hard and the it will be what it will be. It doesn't matter what that translates to....I have to complete it based on where my fitness is at right now and what is smart in my recovery. Most of all, I have to be thankful that I can run at all. 

I have to destroy these demons in my head that is making it hard for me to love running. I miss my love of running and need it to come back. I need patience and to have faith.

Luckily my first of two marathons I'm registered for is still 35 weeks away, and the second is 40 weeks away. I have a TON of time to build up my endurance and to be comfortable with the distance. Time isn't important. Merely making my endurance comeback is what is important. 

I read a book called "My Name is Hope" by John Mark Comer and in this book, he describes endurance as follows:

Is there a more perfect definition? We can apply this to many different areas of life. I have this message board hung on a wall in an area of the house I walk past several times a day as a reminder of how to approach challenges. Getting back into shape is definitely one of those challenges.

Did I mention that a month ago I stopped drinking until my May vacation? What was I thinking?? That might be harder than the running drama. 

Goals? What Goals?

When 2020 started, I had SUCH A PLAN! I was going to be killing it in 2020. I bet a whole lot of us planned on killing it. Instead, we got a killer virus and all hell broke loose throughout the planet.

Good times.

Last January, I wrote a blog post titled Personal Victories. In it I outlined the "victories" I hoped to accomplish in the coming year, using that term versus Personal Best as I felt it better reflected my mindset. Let's do a little check in on how that went:

I want to be injury-free.

Well crap, that didn't go so well. However, let it be known that although I sustained my injury while running, it's not a "running" injury so to speak. It's not a stress fracture or overuse injury. I tripped like a dumbass. 

I want to be joyous and thankful in every run. Even the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, I am so lucky I can step outside and run whenever I want, that my body is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy the outdoors in a unique way. That kind of gratitude goes a long way in keeping me motivated to run and train. I've always said that I refuse to slow down as I age, and I'm sticking to that. I know that eventually my race times will stop dropping, and it's probably sooner rather than later since I'm turning 46 next week, but I will ALWAYS keep moving. I'm so lucky to be healthy and I want to keep it that way.

I think that up until October 18, I was pretty good at this. I had some GREAT runs in 2020 and was well on my way to a great marathon in December. I was thankful and grateful to be healthy. And now, as I recover from rotator cuff surgery, I am thankful for ANY movement I get to do. When I embark on that first run back I am going to be all smiles. 

I want to inspire someone. I have been told that my marathon running is inspirational, but if that's the case then I want to be the reason that someone tries running, or that they come back to it after an absence, or that they tackle a new goal for themselves. I want to see someone get up and outside and be fearless because they were inspired by me. It makes the painful miles worth it to help out another person.

I really really really hope that this happened. I hope that someone saw me being consistent in running this year, even with no races and through a pandemic, that they maybe got a little more motivated to get out there. 

I want to run 2020 miles this year.

I was on pace to run over 2100 miles. I was at 1666 miles when I tripped and my running for the year abruptly stopped. However, if you count my walking miles that I started tracking in March, I was well over this goal. Also, if you counted the 12 month period of October 1 to September 30, I was well over this goal. I'll take all I can get! I don't expect 2021 miles in 2021 since I'm still not running yet.

 

I want to run in new places. The best part about me seeking out destination marathons is that I get to run in new places. 

I was able to run in Atlanta in March and I'm so grateful for that experience! Chicago got cancelled, sadly, so I am waiting until 2022 for that. 2021 will probably only see me racing in Biloxi again. We will see how traveling goes this year, but I will definitely explore and run in any city I'm able to visit, racing or not.

 

I want to let go of toxic things. Whether it's people, or situations, or habits.....I want them all to go away. I worked on this a lot in 2019 and was successful, but there's still a ways to go before I'm satisfied. I have tightened my circle, have let go of negative situations, and am seeking out positive encounters as much as I can. I have a lot of stress in my life that is not within my control, so when I can control something, I'm doing a better job of ACTUALLY CONTROLLING IT. 

I was so much better about this in 2020! We were constantly inundated with negativity, whether it was Covid or the election or the riots...so many negative things. In June I deactivated my Facebook account and focused only on Instagram and Strava. I felt much more in control of the content I fed my brain. I also didn't hesitate to let go of people and situations that were hurtful. I actually had a "friend" post on their Facebook that they wanted to be unfriended by anyone that voted for Trump. This was a person who I absolutely considered a friend, but when it was clear that this person looked at someone like me as a pariah of society, as racist and homophobic and hateful and basically disgusting, well then that's not much of a friend, is it? There was no effort for discussion and understanding of the issues. Let it be known that I vehemently disagree with this person's assessment of the values of those of us who support the President and their characterization of the issues we find important. Their version of President Trump and his accomplishments looks nothing like our version, and when intelligent discussion is shut down so forcefully with an unwillingness to look at things with clear eyes, and instead choose to throw out disgusting terms, then there is no middle ground. This person was extremely clear that they wanted zero friends on the other side, that we were worthless to them. So I did what was asked and unfriended and blocked and all those things. I will have no more interactions with anyone who feels this way. I would never treat someone like that. Ever. I care about how someone votes, sure, but I care about the person and the friendship more and I find differing opinions and experiences enriching. I will also never back down from being a conservative and wanting to uphold constitutional policies. I have no need to apologize.

I want to be strong for my kids.

Well, my kids definitely saw their mom at her absolute bottom. My son wasn't home when I was injured nor when I had surgery and didn't see the few days post-op that were absolutely atrocious. I was at rock bottom and it was miserable. But he's seen me fight my way back, as has my daughter. I hope it makes its mark on them. 

I want to be the best wife I can be. I've been married for 21 years, and marriage is freaking HARD sometimes. But I'm fully committed to seeing this thing through for the rest of my life. That means putting my husband first, and putting our relationship in the forefront of all our decisions. 

I'm not there yet. I think I was doing alright until I got hurt. It's hard to be everything to someone else when you're hurting so much yourself, but every day I'm trying to find a new way to be better, to do more, to BE more. I am 100% committed for life and I hope he always sees that, even when I'm at the bottom. 

So now that 2020 is behind us and we are embarking on a new and uncertain year, I am reflecting again on what I hope to accomplish, on what I hope my "victories" will be. I think I'll keep it pretty simple.

I want to start running again and build up my base.

I don't have the green light yet, but as soon as I do I'll be out there getting back into it. It will be slow and short at first, with a lot of walking involved. I have to be so careful about my shoulder. I don't want to do anything to compromise the healing. Rotator cuff repair has a notoriously high failure rate and I refuse to fall into that camp. But I miss running. My patience will have to be impeccable as I get back into running shape.

I want to let go of any thoughts of speed.

By this, I mean to let go of any thoughts of being just like I was pre-injury. 2021 is not the year to chase personal bests. It's merely the year to become consistent and strong with running again. Thinking of my pace in terms of being speedy is not a goal of mine. I have a marathon in December that I deferred from last year and that will hopefully serve as my endurance comeback. I need to let go of time goals (to a point). 2022 will be the year for speed to return. If I don't approach this year in a smart way, I'll never get back the way I want to. Time and time again, people bite off more than they can chew when they come back from injury and they suffer for it. It makes zero difference what pace I run when I return. It only matters that I come back slowly and SMART.

Focus on what is in my control.

There are many things that I can't control in the world....viruses, politics, people. I can choose to be upset and miserable and angry and lash out over things I don't like or outcomes that are disappointing, but it doesn't serve me or my family. There are many things that infuriate me, sure, but I still refuse to be a miserable cow. My word for 2021 is "control" and it seems very appropriate. Let's lump in "listen to my doctors" with this goal, since my recovery is within my control as long as I follow the plan.

Be consistent in the lessons I teach my kids.

Strength, resilience, consistently, focus, priorities, family, security....I try to exemplify traits like these every day for me kids. I often think it's not sinking in, but perhaps in time they will see it and realize it and put it all into practice in their own lives. 

Don't apologize for my beliefs.

I am who I am, I know what I think, I know how I feel, I am informed and bright and full of compassion and grace. I am not what a lot of people would have me think. I will not apologize for what I hold dear, for what values I have, for how I feel the world should be. I will hold firm in this.

It really should be an interesting year indeed.

Control

What better word to use for 2021 than "Control?" After all, everything was pretty much out of control in 2020, right?

If there was ever a year that tested my patience, it was 2020. 

As the year progressed, it just got worse and worse.

Cancelled travel, cancelled school, cancelled races, cancelled family gatherings, cancelled friend gatherings, CANCELLED, CANCELLED, CANCELLED. 

Plus the hovering uncertainty and fear surrounding a virus that we all knew wasn't really going to go away.

Then as the year progressed and the goal posts constantly shifted around every aspect of life, let's throw in job loss and major surgery and rehabilitation. And a kid who was struggling daily with school. And missing my other kid.

Lessons in patience, indeed.

So as I enter 2021 and reflect upon the mishaps of 2020 and where I stand today, I find myself focusing on the word CONTROL. After all, despite the uncertainty and curveballs, there is always something in our lives that we can control. If we forget about that, then we are really going to free fall into the abyss, right?

Having an accident, seriously injuring myself, requiring major surgery, and undergoing months of rehabilitation in order to get back to normal function was completely out of my control (well, unless I had been paying better attention on that run and hasn't tripped). I have no choice but to do what I'm told by my doctors and physical therapists or risk permanent injury and decreased function. But rather than think of it that way, I'm going to turn it around and view it as WITHIN MY CONTROL.

I am in charge of my recovery. I am in charge of choosing to get up everyday and find something new I can do again, to find creative solutions to movement that are within the confines of my recovery, to find a way to keep my nutrition on track, and to find a way to calm my mind. I am in charge of what I consume mentally...the internet, books, movies, whatever that may encompass. I am in charge of who I spend time with (no matter what the government wants to impose), of whom is given space in my head, on whom I focus my energy. 

I may not be able to run or seriously strength train or finish some house projects in a timely manner, but I am completely in charge of sticking to my routine so I can get there when I am supposed to, maybe even sooner. Or I can choose to half-ass my rehab and have it take substantially longer and perhaps even limit my recovery and never be as strong as I was before. I can choose to focus on my current weaknesses and the changes in my body that I find horrible, or I can choose to think of each new movement, of each new exercise as my path to the body I had before October 18. 

This last one is the absolute hardest, admittedly. I hate the way I look right now, even though to the casual observer I don't really look much different. But I see myself daily, I see the subtle changes, the weaknesses, the negative results of the accident and surgery. I'm struggling with this so much right now and it brings me to tears some days. I am not used to being weak and I'm not used to FEELING so weak.

So what am I doing everyday to combat my fears, to combat the negative, to improve my strength and movement, and to get closer to the day I can say that I AM BACK?

First, I religiously do my physical therapy exercises. No shortcuts, no skipped sessions, no laziness. Every morning and every night, with a timer set so I don't get lazy and stop early, I do each and every exercise set forth by my physical therapists. I push myself a little further each day, even when it hurts. I mentally catalogue the change in my range of motion so I know I am making progress daily. Every centimeter added to the range of motion is a victory. Every single centimeter. Some days I'm stiff, but I don't see that as a setback. I set my timer and keep working.

I find exercises I can do that don't harm my shoulder. I can do corework and lower body strength training, so I do that as often as possible, pushing myself a little more, adding more reps or sets each week. I am trying to get creative on what corework I can do without using my shoulder and am slowing clawing my way back to good core strength. 

I can't run yet but I can walk as much as I want, so that's what I do. This past week, I added hill repeats and faster walking paces to the mix. My heartrate still doesn't get very high, but by adding incline I feel like I'm working harder. Luckily our weather is usually good enough to get outdoors daily and for that I'm grateful. I don't have a gym membership anymore nor do we have a treadmill, so I have to get outside.  I am walking about 25 miles per week and will push myself a bit more until I get clearance to start running again. I don't know when that will be....my doctor's protocol is very conservative but I'm progressing faster than the protocol, so the greenlight might be shifting in my favor. I see my doctor in 3 weeks and I hope to dazzle him with my progress. 

Once I get the green light to run, I have to remember that the road to my comeback is slow and long. Everytime you come back from injury, the last thing you want to do is rush the comeback. Time and time again, people will just jump right in and re-injure themselves rather than taking it bit by bit, day by day. I was running 50+ mile weeks before injury. My first run back will likely be a run/walk of two miles, possibly more walking than running. My "long" run? Probably a whopping four miles, with only a mile or so added each week. I won't go from zero running miles to thirty a week right away, that's for sure. I am completely in charge of being smart about comeback. Low and slow miles will get me way further than impatience. 

Every time I discover a new thing that I can do again....put a shirt on the normal way, tie my shoes without having to bend down quite so much, hold something just a tad heavier with my right arm, use the shifter in the car with my right arm instead of my left, put on my eyeliner with my right hand...I celebrate it. It makes me smile, it gets me excited for the next new thing I can do again. These things may seem insignificant, but when you haven't been able to do basic tasks for 10 weeks, every little victory is a HUGE victory. It brings you THAT MUCH CLOSER to full independence again. My next goal is to be able to put my hair in a ponytail. I'm so close. 

Being in control of my mental state is just as important as controlling the progress of my physical state. I have chosen with what to feed my brain this year and I'm going to continue to do so into 2021. Still no Facebook account, still being more intentional with my Instagram account, enjoying seeing people's healthy lifestyles on Strava...it's easy to consume toxicity and negativity and you have to actively reject it. I still don't see myself as coming back to Facebook anytime soon. I am reading a lot of books, both fiction and nonfiction and learning as much as I can about topics important to me. I am giving little attention to anything (or anyone) that doesn't serve my peace and happiness. 

So 2021 is about CONTROL. Controlling not only my physical progress, but controlling my mental state, viewing small victories as big victories, choosing to see baby steps as big steps.