Unfortunate Health Update

It was only two weeks ago I wrote my last blog post about finding hope in affliction through my faith, and that I was on the mend from a lumbar disc herniation.

A lot can change in two weeks.

My last run was Thursday, April 4 and will likely be my last run of 2024. 

I have somehow reinjured my spine. My L4/L5 disc herniation reared its ugly head again on Friday morning and the second time around has been even more painful than the original injury last fall. I spent five days in excruciating pain as the disc compressed my nerve down my entire left leg. I was at a pain level of 8-9 with very little relief. Drugged myself up as much as I could, but until the inflammation goes down, real relief is futile. Every morning, after a fitful night of sleep, I would hope that I would have a little less pain and a little more mobility…to no avail. 

Five days of nerve pain absolutely drives you crazy. I was out of my mind yesterday. My orthopedist appointment wasn’t until today, Wednesday, and while I was able to get a round of prednisone and had a muscle relaxer on hand, no other home remedies were working. I decided yesterday afternoon to head to the ER. Greg also called my orthopedist to see if there was anything else I could do to ease the pain. 

Thankfully the ER did help me out with a morphine shot. It alleviated some of the pain and I was as high as a kite almost immediately, causing me to not even give a shit about the residual pain. Sweet relief from my misery, even if it would only last a few hours. At this same time, Greg and my doctor were getting me set up for an epidural injection first thing this morning - that, by the way, feels really funky. 

I had my doctor appointment this afternoon. Good news and bad news. Back to physical therapy, continuing those exercises to build up my strength and mobility, and a cessation of running and any impact activities for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t a surprise to me. I had been doing so well, so if I have to let one activity go to get my back fully healed, I’m willing to do so. 

If I think too much about it, however, I start feeling beaten down again. It’s been a brutal 3.5 years. To not be able to run again on Snoqualmie Trail, to not run a race in Huntington Beach…and all the other miles that make my heart happy….well, it absolutely crushes me. I find so much joy in that journey, and now I’ll have to shift for a long period of time to other activities that will better serve my broken body.

One of the things that hurts the most, however, is upsetting Greg. He hates to see me like this and I know my tears were tearing him up inside. I spent his 50th birthday in excruciating pain and couldn’t celebrate him like I wanted to and how he deserved. He’s such a rock to me, however, and puts himself aside to fully focus on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and that serves as motivation to do what I need to do, and not make stupid decisions that further hinder my healing and progress. I still envision us running many more miles together in the future.

The pain of running a marathon (if I ever get to do that again) will be a piece of cake to endure after all this. 

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

Faith

As the new year begins, I've chosen my theme. I spent 2023 growing stronger in my faith in Jesus, while practicing gratitude for all the ways I have been blessed. This year, my faith will take on even bigger meaning. I will walk in my faith daily and be an example to others on how trusting in God can transform your life, can guide you, and can enrich every aspect of your day.

FAITH

Living with faith, growing your faith, trusting in your faith is not an easy endeavor. God never promised us a problem-free life, and for many, these problems seem insurmountable. To live by faith means that you trust even when you can't see it, even when it doesn't make sense, even in your deepest pain. You live with an eternal perspective, not a worldly perspective. In your deepest sorrow, you can turn to God to bring you through it.

As Greg and I continue in our commissioning as leaders at our church, we are entrusted to live this way, to show others the power of belief, and this new purpose in my life brings peace, perspective, and abundance. I'm excited and humbled to see what 2024 brings in my church community and beyond.

I committed to finding gratitude in 2023. While I still struggled and some days seemed brutally hard, I never went long without realizing my blessings and shifting my perspective to the good in my life and in the world. 

It was fun to look back on the previous year and to reflect on the adventures, and as I looked through all our countless photos I definitely had a big smile on my face. It was a good year, a difficult year, a year of abundance and learning and growing. With all the plans we have for 2024, I have no doubt that the positives will far outweigh any struggles, that we will see so many new things and experience far more than we can see right now. We have choices on how we want to begin a year, and I'm beginning this one looking forward while coming to peace with the past and all that it has taught me.

Back in July, I posted about our year so far, so I'll continue here where we left off....the second half of 2023 in pictures....enjoy!

Ending July with family in Seattle

My first race since 2021 (Snoqualmie, WA)

We lost a very special friend, Alison, to cancer in July

Great friends+Austin=LOVE

Summer of concerts continues - Bryan Adams, Seattle, August

Greg's first time in Nashville, August

Luke Bryan, Bridgestone Arena

Gibson Garage+caught in the rain

Just have to trust

Greg is funny with his gifts

I'm pretty funny, too

Back in Seattle on a gorgeous day, September

It may have been cold and rainy, but we had a blast on Mt. Rainier

Visited my sister on her birthday

We have a lot of advenutres!

Important reminder to walk out our faith

Sometimes my dogs are cute

I went to Seattle about a dozen times this year.
The rain did not stop me from getting in miles (October)

Weekend trip to Michigan, October

Hanging with Greg at work

Left my mark in Greg's office

25th Anniversary trip booked!

Back in Seattle, November

Greg traveled to Tokyo for the first time

I got terrible news about my spine (herniated and bulging discs)

Last trip of the year to Seattle for me, December

It's Christmas time!

Off to a party

Our 29th Christmas together

Last day of 2023!

Two more weeks until the milestone

Facts

It was a busy, fruitful, and totally crazy year. So much love, so much travel, so much growth, so much perseverance, so much hope. 

In two weeks, we head to Napa and then to Seattle to celebrate my birthday. While the thought of entering my 50s seems crazy to me, I'm looking forward to celebrating this month with those I love the most.