Writing has become very difficult

I have started countless blog posts, only to delete them. I don't often find myself struggling for words, but right now I'm struggling. Everything I write seems shallow and dumb and unimportant.

I don't like having this attitude. This is my blog, this is about my life, my thoughts, my experiences. Despite the global issues surrounding us, this is still my life and I want to live it to the best of my abilities. Finding joy and freedom in everyday things leads to peace.

That means I get to write about me if I want to. This isn't ignoring anything else going on in the world. If you are a friend in real life and spend time with me, then you know that I often have meaningful conversations with those I love. I am a deep thinker, a free thinker, and can absolutely make a difference in this world with how I choose to live my life and the values I choose to impart upon my children. Judging someone's intentions based on whether they shout from the rooftops their values or if they quietly live them and show them to the world through everyday actions isn't effecting change. Judging is not at all necessary and can be quite destructive. On another note, opinion discrimination is a disgusting practice and is the exact opposite of tolerance. Think about that. Think really really hard about that.

Here, on my blog, I'm going to talk about running right now.

I am about to embark upon a very ambitious training block in the hopes I get to run the Chicago Marathon. But I honestly don't have any delusions that I'm going to be running the Chicago Marathon. I think it will be a couple more months beyond that before there's any thought to a race. However, I would like to begin my training regardless. Honestly, I am struggling with motivation, as the world continues to lack normalcy and security. So how to I push through this obstacle?

By reminding myself of HOW to train properly, by reminding myself of WHY I need to train properly.

First and foremost, I must take care of my body. I must baby it while also pushing it to be stronger. I will be running six days a week, for up to about 65 miles per week, with two "something of substance" workouts per week, as the Hanson Marathon Method refers to them. These are the interval, "strength," and tempo runs. Every other week, the long run is run at a more moderate pace. This means that 3-4 runs per week are easy runs. Really easy runs. If we don't take that easy part seriously, we can't succeed at the SOS workouts. Through an 18 week block, this method gets you to the starting line ready to smash your goal, hopefully!

So, let's talk easy. Hanson bases your pace ranges on current fitness and marathon goal. My marathon goal is still 3:45 since I haven't quite hit that yet. This equates to an 8:35 overall pace. My workout paces would be as follows:

Recovery - 11:01
Easy Aerobic - 9:39-10:21 (based on the book, but online calculators show the range is even slower, at up to 11:05)
Moderate/Long - 9:18
Marathon Pace Tempo - 8:35
Strength - 8:25 (after a block of shorter speed training, we start running strength workouts run at 10 seconds under marathon pace, in repeats of 1.5 to 3 miles)
Speed - 7:33-7:52 (we do a speed block in the first half of the training cycle, of up to 1600 meter repeats)

However, and this is really important to remember, these paces are based on relatively ideal weather conditions. Hanson adjusts pace based on less-than-ideal weather. And what do we have from May to October in Texas? LESS THAN IDEAL WEATHER. So I won't actually be running any of these paces, but rather SLOWER.

For example, let's give this morning's weather as an example. It was 75 degrees and 90% humidity when I started my run. If I plug that info into the pace adjuster (found online), my paces are now as follows:

Recovery - 11:15+ (there's not an actual field for this in the online calculator, so it basically becomes slow enough to stay in Zone 1 as much as humanly possible...that to me says over 11:15 pace, which I've never actually done! Might need to change that)
Easy Aerobic - 10:04-11:51 (in other words, you've got all sorts of wiggle room)
Moderate/Long - ~9:45 (again, it's not exact online, so this is my average interpretation, but some miles could likely be slower)
Marathon Pace Tempo - 9:16 (yes, that's 41 seconds per mile slower than marathon pace)
Strength - 9:05
Speed - 7:56-8:30

There's a wide range because we all react differently to heat and humidity, but the general consensus is that in order to maximize the gains from training, you must go by effort and throw a lot of your expected paces out the window when weather gets rough. If I need to run 10:45 to stay in Zone 2 on my easy days, then that's what I will run. Some days I might be able to push it to 10:15 or faster without overdoing it. For my long runs every other week, the key is to stay easy to moderate and avoid threshold. In good weather, 9:18 pace wouldn't be a problem. In bad weather, it's definitely going to be much closer to 10:00. Tempo days are used to mimic the marathon, so my effort at 9:16 pace in bad weather would equal my effort on race day in good weather.

I need to remember that it's okay to run 11 minute miles. How am I supposed to run 6 days per week and push myself everyday and not get injured? The answer is I DON'T. I need to run miles that feel pointless and slow, because my head knows that this is how we actually get faster.

So this means that over the course of my training, depending on weather, I could see my run average in the 8's or all the way to the 11's. There should be a big range of training paces throughout the cycle. But the majority should absolutely be much slower than marathon pace, particularly in a climate like ours.

If your goal is a 3:30 marathon (about 8:00 pace), then I shouldn't be seeing from you a bunch of runs averaging in the mid-8's. But I do see this from people ALL THE TIME. And then there's the people that run in the 10's for almost every run, and their marathon goal is 4:30 (10:16 pace). That makes no sense whatsoever. Either you are running too hard everyday or your goal is too weak. If you're finding yourself saying that there's no way you could run your usual pace for 26.2 miles, but you're also in the same breath saying that pace is "easy," then you're probably not running an actual easy pace. Confusing as heck, right?

This is why I like paying attention to my heart rate in addition to going by effort. It keeps me honest. My Zone 2 heart rate range is 127-141. I get lucky and can run well under 10:00 pace and still maintain that appropriate effort, but other days it's just not happening (like a couple times this past week!). I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to slow down to maintain the right effort and keep my heart rate in check. The benefit is the same.

My last hard workout was on Tuesday and we did a marathon pace workout, with a warm up mile, then two sets of two miles at marathon pace with an easy mile in between. The weather was upper sixties so I adjusted my marathon pace to 8:50 vs 8:35. I averaged closer to 8:40 for all four marathon pace miles, but my heartrate stayed in Zone 3, telling me I was definitely running the correct pace for the conditions and how I felt that particular day. I was also breaking in my carbon fiber shoes, and that could've allowed me to run 5 seconds per mile or so faster than I expected at the same effort. All in all, I chose the right pace in the right conditions and executed the workout properly without overexerting myself and missing the mark on the point of that particular workout. Even in the fourth mile, marathon pace did not feel very difficult, which it shouldn't four miles in.

It's obvious I love data and I love analyzing and I love seeing it all come together in a training block.

I am fearful that the weather will take a bigger toll on me this summer, even if I properly adjust all my paces. I am not a happy camper when it's hot out. I am fearful that despite telling myself, it's okay to view marathon pace at 9:16 instead of 8:35, it's going to bug me a lot and I'm going to sabotage myself and run faster and overdo it. When you see others running much faster, but with the same general marathon goals, it's hard to hold back and stay in your lane and do what you know YOU should be doing. Putting faster runs on Strava is just so much sexier than 11:00 pace runs when you're talking about running a BQ marathon as a goal.

I also need to continue to focus on my form during my runs. Running slower miles can contribute to a breakdown in your form if you don't pay attention. I do worry about this, so I need to remind myself throughout each run to go through my checkpoints and make sure I'm not exhibiting a form breakdown.

My hope is that I can throw all my misgivings out the window just like I did back in 2017 when I first embarked on my BQ goal. I was successful then, and I am itching to be successful again.

But did I mention my motivation is lacking? It really is. I know that some of this is because my mental strength is being tested by society. Some of it is because we haven't heard an update from Chicago Marathon yet and in the wake of the Boston Marathon cancellation, it makes me antsy to be so unsure.

I'm going to spend some time this week reading a really phenomenal book by Dr. Jordan Peterson called "12 Rules for Life." I'm truly fascinated by this genius of a man and looking forward to finding my best self through knowledge and learning. I'm also learning to drown out the negativity from the pervasive culture that tells me to shut up and that my opinion is wrong, although I'm admittedly not successful on that front. I'm just getting really f*cking angry.

God Bless!

April Check in + Virtual Racing

It's been over a month since my last blog post, but I haven't felt like writing. What could I possibly say that hadn't been said before? This is a crappy time, the stress is ridiculous, and the unknown is even worse. I miss our normal lives, and I am fearful of how different our "normal" will become when we are able to reopen our country.

We are all feeling some pretty intense emotions right now.

But I've been thinking this week about a few things that I really did want to write about. The bad emotions can be greatly helped when we think of gratitude, and I've made it a point to repeat to myself the things I am grateful for.

1. My husband still has a job. He's working ridiculous hours, sometimes from 6am to 11pm holed away in his office, with time here and there to eat and interact. But he has a job, he's busy (job security?), and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

2. My daughter doesn't have to worry about the social stress from being on a 4000+ student high school campus, although she desperately misses her close friends.

3. We have a house big enough for us to all make our own space. We aren't on top of each other, and we can all find quiet places when we need them. I may never downsize.

4. I am still able to exercise (and I do have a lot to say about that, particularly since this is a running blog!)

5. We are able to find food in the grocery stores and make good meals and are cooking so much more than normal.

6. While our grocery bill is much higher, our other expenses are much lower. We don't need to buy gas and we haven't been ordering drinks at restaurants and those two things alone are saving us a lot of money!

7. My dogs are thrilled we are always around and have warm laps.

Now I want to talk about my running.

I'm supposed to run the Chicago Marathon in October, but I have to be honest...I don't expect there to be any major marathons for the rest of the year, so I am not counting on it. I am pretty sure I'll be deferring to 2021, but will make that decision when I'm forced to. For now, I have a hotel room booked and no plane tickets yet!

The lack of certainty surrounding my marathon has had no impact on the amount of running I'm doing. I am actually running more in an off season than I have ever run. I'm almost at marathon volume, but with far more easy miles. In a typical week, I am running 40+ miles with probably 90% of them at an easy zone 1 and 2 heartrate pace. The high volume of easy vs fast miles is keeping my body feeling absolutely great. I'm running really really well right now and it's weird.

At the beginning of March, I was under a great deal of stress (not even coronavirus related), and it affected my running negatively. My heartrate was constantly elevated. But I kept being consistent and still getting out there and running, keeping it easy. After a few weeks, and within the confines of this stay-at-home order, my running has improved dramatically. My heartrate has slowly come down while my pace has quickened. In a nutshell, it's been amazing. Being able to still get out there almost everyday and exercise has been vital to keeping my emotions in check. There are a million things we can't control, but we can certainly control getting in some exercise.

There is a local 5K race held every month that costs only $1, but because of the stay-at-home order, the race has gone virtual. Greg and I ran last month's together at more of a half marathon pace and got our results listed and it was fun! This month, the race director decided to add in a 10K, half marathon, and marathon distance in addition to the 5K, over a 4-day period. We could run any or all distances and submit our times. I started my week running as normal, with a hard interval run on Tuesday that went very well. I had planned to run the rest of my miles easy and then "race" a half marathon over the weekend to count for the virtual race. But in looking at the weather forecast, it seemed like Thursday would be the best time to run (the virtual dates were April 16-19). I ran for an hour Wednesday as normal, and then figured why not just race on Thursday, even though I wasn't at all rested, nor had I even fueled very well. I didn't even have a route in mind, just knew I'd run in the neighborhood. Didn't really matter, since I had no intentions of running faster than marathon pace (8:35).

So here we are on Thursday morning. I didn't even bother with a warm up and set out to run the first couple miles at a faster-than-normal-but-not-fast pace. Easy pace for me is around 9:30-10:15 and I ran that first mile in 8:55, so definitely a bit faster than it felt (good sign?). Mile 2 came in at 8:24 and I'm not lying when I say I absolutely thought I was running slower. It freaked me out a little, as it was early on and I didn't want to get caught up in that "but I felt so good in the beginning" mentality and then hate myself at Mile 10.

The miles just kept clicking off in the low 8's and I honestly felt just fine. It wasn't easy at all, but it felt very doable for 13 miles. I saw Greg at four miles in and he ran a few miles with me back towards our house so I could refuel. Greg acted as my water stop volunteer so I didn't need to lose too much time. He was done with his run, so now I had about six more miles to run to finish this out. I was on pace to run about a 1:50 half marathon, which technically would be my third fastest ever. This seemed completely unreal to me and like it must be some kind of fluke. But then again, I still had six miles to go.

I ended up speeding up a bit and my miles were just flying by in just over 8:00 pace, and I calculated I could actually come really close to my PR of 1:47:49. By the time I realized this, I couldn't speed up enough to actually break it, and besides, it wouldn't have been much fun to say you ran a PR and it technically not count. But I knew if I just kept running, I was on pace to run my second fastest and that became the plan with the last 5K to go.

I ended up running 1:48:26 for 13.11 miles and an 8:16 pace. I ran the first half in about 8:22 pace, so it was a nice negative split. And I was strangely not that tired after I was done. My average heartrate was only 149 and it was a Zone 3 run. For my January race, where I PRd on a net downhill (very gradual) course with a slight tailwind, my average heartrate was 158.

I just think this is so weird. I haven't been doing any specialized training. Just running a lot of easy miles, staying consistent, running long every weekend, and doing one hard workout per week. EASY MILES MAKE YOU FASTER!!

So now I still have all these miles I still want to run this weekend. I decided that this morning, I would run the virtual 10k BUT DEFINITELY NOT FAST. My 10k PR is a 7:52 average (48:54), not in the cards two days after a fast half marathon. I'm crazy but not that crazy. Once again, I thought marathon pace would be just fine.

I actually did warm up for this one, a nice 1.25 mile jog with the husband, who was going to run a fast 5K. I eased into an uncomfortable pace that didn't hurt my legs too badly (they were fatigued, but not sore). First mile was an 8:29, and the second mile wasn't much quicker so it seemed like this was the pace my body would go. Fine by me! My heartrate once again was very much in control, solid Zone 3. It ended up being a very good run overall, and I negative split it. My last mile was 7:49 and that really made me happy! My time overall was 51:15 and an 8:14 pace. It was also my second fastest 10K ever.

Two races, two days apart, second fastest in both. When I wasn't rested, wasn't fueled, and had run 44 miles the week before. I don't recommend an unconventional approach like that to racing, but it sure worked out well for me this week!

My body isn't used to that many fast miles in one week, so I'm taking the next couple runs very easy. I still plan to run long tomorrow, but all in Zones 1 and 2.

What does this mean for marathon training that is supposed to start in less than two months? Well, I'm going to continue running 40+ miles per week, continue with one hard workout each week, and start my training plan mid-June. Regardless of whether Chicago happens or not, I will still train for it and I will still run a marathon that day. It won't be a PR marathon (because if I did that I would run a BQ pace and it would piss me off to no end to BQ but not really BQ because it certainly won't count). I have never run a marathon distance by myself outside of a race. But I will do it. I'm running so well right now and want to keep this up.

I'm going to forget about the fact that summer is coming and Texas summers suck and I'm going to actually die running in the heat. I won't think about that right now.

A Little March Update

I've alluded to the fact in Instagram that it's been a difficult month so far, even more so than what's going on globally. I took a break from Facebook for Lent, and it's probably for the best with all the craziness. I'm pretty sure social media + semi-quarantine are not a good mix, especially when it comes to Facebook and the overabundance of opinions spewed on that platform. 

Life took a turn for the extra difficult and our family is working to navigate it. It seems to be a pattern, but if you've endured any kind of mental illness in yourself or a loved one, then you know that there is nothing normal or serene about it. You could have a great couple months, and then your world turns upside down on a dime. Welcome to my reality. I never know when it's going to hit and when it does, sometimes it's particularly bad. We are navigating as best we can, but right now, the stress is threatening to do me in. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this amount of stress. I'm helpless and exhausted.

Add on top of that the fear and uncertainty with COVID-19, and our anxiety is compounded. I know it's a temporary disruption in our lives, but it's still difficult. At first I wasn't so concerned with my immediate little family contracting the virus, but then I remembered that technically I am part of the compromised community. While I have it relatively under control, I have asthma. It's impossible to know how a virus like this could affect me. It could be mild, like when I had the flu a couple years ago, or it could hit me hard. I'd really rather not find out. Because of this, I'm very much trying not to go out in public. I'm still running (although avoiding water fountains and public bathrooms if at all possible), and I will likely still make quick trips to the grocery store, and I have appointments that are vital, but I want to avoid as many people as I can. I don't have a huge problem with this. I'm an introvert, so alone time is not a burden. I have a big house project I'm working on so it gives me free time to work on it. 

Without any races coming up (which is a little weird), I don't have a set training plan. But I want to continue to run 5 or 6 days a week for the mental health therapy. I think it's so important for me to start my day doing something good for myself. With so many things out of control around me, I need to grab onto this part of my life and hold on. If I had to quarantine and be forced to not go outside, it could really really suck. Stair repeats, anyone? I don't own a treadmill!

I have been thinking the last couple days of our blessings. There are a lot of people out there truly scared about how this world has changed...they can't afford physically and/or financially to get sick, they don't know what to do if they can't work and they need to work to get paid, they don't know what to do if their kids' schools close because they don't have childcare available. I am lucky that this isn't my reality....very very lucky and I never want to take that privilege for granted. When people harp on businesses and the government about taking so long to shut down public areas/schools/businesses, etc, we all have to understand that while that might not greatly affect US, there are millions of people out there who will most definitely be impacted and their plight needs to be taken into account. I do not envy those in charge of these decisions and I'm very much impressed with the vast amount of work these people are doing right now. I can't fathom their exhaustion. 

Show grace and be kind. 

We also need to understand that while the cancellation of a certain event or trip might seem meaningless, it's still a big loss to some people. Much of our joy is derived from our extracurricular activities or watching pro sports or traveling and all of those things are an awesome escape from work and the stressful parts of life. Most of that is gone right now and for the foreseeable future, and it's going to eat away at us eventually. We are going to crave something outside our homes. So it's okay to feel that loss. But it, too, shall pass. 

So again, I say to be kind and show grace.

We had an event upcoming at the end of March that I was looking forward to that was just cancelled. My son, my firstborn baby, accepted admission to the University of Texas in Tyler and will begin his freshman year there in the fall. Later this month we were planning to visit the campus for a all-day tour and information session. I've never been to Tyler and I'm so nervous about sending off my kid to college, so this day was a big one for us. I'm sure we will get an opportunity to visit before he moves there in August, but it is still a big bummer. On a positive note, I'm so proud of my kid for getting accepted into the UT system. He will be transferring to Austin after freshman year and graduate a Longhorn, which was his ultimate college choice. A big positive in our lives, for sure. 

Please be aware when you are out in public, that there are so many people who need you to stay healthy and not spread this virus further. Don't galavant around with no thought for others. 

Work together every day to make this better. 

Feeling Guilty & Fast Miles & What's Coming Up Next & Picking Marathons

I haven't written a post in a few weeks, so it's time to play catch up.

I'm feeling pretty much mentally exhausted STILL. I never know what each week is going to bring and I start the week with a mixture of dreadful anticipation and cautious optimism. The start to the semester hasn't exactly been easy for my youngest. She's missed several days of school and it's a battle to get her to change her perspective on a few stressful feelings she's having. This mom just needs a break of more than a day or two from the drama.

These feelings of mine are now morphing into massive guilt. I'm an introvert, so being busy and constantly around activity and noise and conversation can drain me when I'm already tired and in need of a recharge. Sometimes interactions are good, but I'm continually feeling like I need solitude lately. It's frustrating. So now I feel guilty because I'm not good at reaching out and making plans right now. I'm great at responding to texts (well, the vast majority of time) and that seems to be my go-to interaction. Isolating, yes indeed. So there's a balance to be found somewhere in there, and I'm seeking it out. In the meantime...GUILT.

ANYWAY....moving on....

Two weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I would be racing the half I had signed up for. I was a little ambivalent about it, as it wasn't an A race, but it was a fast course and it would've been fun to see how fast I could run. My hamstring was sore and I was leaning towards being careful rather than actually injuring myself.

Thankfully, I was feeling pretty great the day before, so I decided to get my butt to the start line. The weather was perfect and I couldn't have asked for more.

What a good decision I made.

I hadn't really had structured training between my December 8 marathon and this race, 6 weeks later. I was keeping up my long runs, and incorporating tempo runs and intervals twice a week, but I kind of made it up as I went along, just trying to keep up my fitness without being crazy. So what I could do on race day was kind of an unknown. I didn't have much to lose, and I wasn't putting a lot of pressure on myself, so I could afford to let go and see what happened. If I imploded, it wasn't going to be a big deal.

Can I just say that putting so little pressure on myself is like the magic pill?

IMAGINE THAT.

I ran a 97 second half marathon PR. At 46 years old. Six weeks after a tough marathon. A week after hurting my hamstring. Go figure.

I'm really proud of how I executed this race. It wasn't perfect, but I pushed myself beyond what I thought I could do, and didn't freak myself out during the race. I just kept pushing, mile after mile.

I had written down a pacing plan that would get me to my stretch goal of sub-1:48. My PR going into the race was a 1:49:26, set last January in Houston. Breaking 1:48 was a pretty lofty goal, much like my hopes to run a 3:45 marathon, but nonetheless, I wrote out a pacing plan just in case the day was going well for me.

My first mile was supposed to be an 8:45. After a very slow first couple minutes (hold up.....let me interrupt this blog post to bitch for just a second. WHAT IN THE HECK in up with people who line up with a certain pace group when they have zero intention of running that pace? I lined up between the 1:50 and 1:55 pace group, off to the side, because that aligned pretty closely with how I wanted to start the race. Almost immediately, I was stuck behind people running AT LEAST a minute per mile slower than that, people who started walking within 90 seconds of the start, and I was on the far right side intentionally so I didn't hold anyone back myself. It is by far one of the biggest pet peeves I have at race starts. It's just disrespectful to not place yourself properly so as to not impede other runners. OK, rant over...).....I noticed that the pace was about 9:30, so much slower that what I wanted to be running. I maneuvered around a couple people and picked up the pace to what I thought felt more like an 8:30-ish, hoping to still salvage an 8:45 mile.

Mile 1: 8:33 (well, that's nice because no way did I think I was running fast enough to have hit 8:33)

I maintained the pace I was running, and it felt pretty good. Like, way better than I expected to feel. Still early, but I was taking it as a good sign.

Mile 2: 8:08 (had planned to run a couple of miles at 8:30, so I knew this was probably a bit much)

Slowed it down a bit and ran Miles 3 and 4 in 8:10 and 8:08 (so I TOTALLY didn't actually slow down).

So at this point, I'm four miles in and over a minute under my goal time at that checkpoint. DAMN. So for the next two miles, I really did slow it down a bit and give myself a breather.

Mile 5: 8:16
Mile 6: 8:13

Almost halfway done and I'm still feeling like this pace is completely doable. I felt so good considering my heart rate was solidly in Zone 4 and I was pushing threshold. Don't get me wrong, it was a hard pace to run, but my head just kept telling me to keep running hard and it would be fine. So I listened to my head.

At this point, we are running on a stretch of the course that nobody likes. Great Northern Blvd just sucks. It's over a mile long, runs along a freeway, and it just boring as hell. There were more spectators that I expected, so that was a boost, plus I'm used to running it in the opposite direction as I did when I ran the Austin Marathon five times. This direction felt much better. I must've still wanted to get it over with because I ran Mile 7 in 8:02.

This is the point where my head started doing math. I was averaging 8:13 according to my Garmin, but I was a few seconds off from the mile markers due to some turns early in the race. Still, my pace was in line with my stretch goal and it was a pace I felt I could keep running. I was way under my personal best pace. Even if I ran around 8:25-8:30, I could still break my PR. But I was going to try to click off miles as low in the 8's as I possibly could.

I never looked at my lap (current mile) pace during the race. I was running by feel and just trying to get into a rhythm. It was working very well.

Mile 8: 8:04
Mile 9: 8:09
Mile 10: 8:12 (if memory serves me correctly, there was an uphill stretch here)

Now, with a 5K to go, I knew this race was going to be really really good. I only needed a 27 minute final 5k to break my PR and I was hoping for more like 25 minutes.

The hills come in the last couple miles of this race and if you're not careful, they can kick your butt and take away all your gains. As I approached each one, I just focused on the fact that they were short hills and there was a downhill after each one, plus that I really was almost done with the race. We were running through UT campus and I was loving it. The steepest hill comes with only about a half mile left in the race, so once you are done with that, it's smooth sailing to the finish.

Mile 11: 8:12
Mile 12: 8:08 (those hills! Was really hoping for sub-8)
Mile 13: 8:03 (and still no sub-8)
Last .19: 1:29

Making that last turn with about 2/10ths of a mile to go and seeing the finish line was so awesome!  I didn't have any kind of finish kick, and ran that last section at 7:43 pace. I crossed the finish line just barely breaking 1:48.

1:47:49!

The husband ran a personal best of 1:38:07!

I was so thrilled with this race! My hamstring didn't hurt much and my heel with mild tendonitis didn't hurt at all (it yelled at me the next day, though). I'm so glad I made the choice to run this race.

I learned a couple things about myself during this race.

1. I'm getting better and better at figuring out when to back off pace and when to push it. The half marathon distance is perfect for being fearless and not foolish, just long enough to test you but not long enough to totally destroy you. Because I couldn't speed up much heading to the finish line, I know that I didn't hold back during the race. I ran my best and didn't have a final burst of energy that I failed to leave out on the course. I think this is awesome because it tells me I ran hard.

2. I wasn't crazy to think I could qualify for Boston at CIM in December. I had the fitness that day, I just didn't get the weather I needed. Had it been like 3M weather, I have no doubt I would've hit my goal. It was a gratifying realization.

3. It's easy to get caught up in age. I turned 46 four days before this race, and at that age I think a lot of people believe personal best times could be a thing of the past. It never occurred to me that my age was a factor. I still don't think it is, and I'm glad I'm not letting it control me. Sure, it's going to come into play sooner rather than later, but until then I still want to see how fast I can get.

So what's next for me?

On March 1, I will be running the Atlanta Half Marathon, which takes place the day after the Olympic Marathon Trials. I am excited to see the Trials, especially since my husband is coming with me. He and I are both running the half, and he gets to run with Meb, who is the 1:40 pacer. I'm just planning on running hard but not too hard. I don't feel the need to shoot for another PR, especially since that course is very hilly. I'm going to enjoy the experience of my first visit to Atlanta.

March to June will include just one other race so far, a 10K trail race the last weekend in March. Then I'm going to just enjoy running because I love it, and I'm going to keep up my base mileage, running mostly easy, but still with a good bit of volume.

June 10 is the official start of my Chicago Marathon Training. Running through the summer months at a high volume is daunting, no doubt. But I know how to adjust for the weather and I know how to be disciplined with hydration and rest. It will be interesting, regardless. I'm pretty excited that my husband is also running this race. I'm going to train differently this time around and use the Hanson's Marathon Method. It's an 18 week program that has you running about 45-65 miles per week, 6 days a week, with your max long run at 16 miles. There's a lot of data to back up the cumulative fatigue theory behind the plan, so I'm all in on trying it out. Plus, I'm happy with the volume on this plan....it's high, but not overwhelming.

With Chicago being on October 11, it means that I have the entire winter race season open and I've been thinking a lot about how I want to approach it. I could run a second marathon, and having a backup is probably not a bad idea. I've been wanting to go back to Biloxi and run the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon again, so right now that's my top pick for a second marathon. It's flat, fast, straight, and beautiful. I'm still avoiding Texas marathons and enjoying looking at other destinations for now.

Dang, I had a lot to say.

First race of the year....maybe?

I've been laying a little low this week (well, except for birthday shenanigans, of which there weren't many because #old). On Monday of this week, I noticed a definite issue with my left hamstring. I find it weird that all of a sudden my body is deciding that instead of my right side harboring all my physical issues, now it's my left side. Overcompensation? Probably.

Anyway, my hamstring was very sore and tight and I honestly don't know why. I was pulling weeds over the weekend and therefore doing a lot of squatting, but it was only my left side that was sore so I'm not sure that was even why.

I ran a few easy miles Tuesday and it didn't feel any worse, but also not any better. A lot of trigger point, foam rolling, using the Stick, slathering on anti-inflammatory cream....I pulled out all my tricks. I had a deep tissue massage on Wednesday and the massage therapist (Cassandra at Renew Med Spa is THE BEST EVER) worked for a really long time on the hamstring. She noted that there wasn't tightness at the insertion point, so that was a big positive. She did, however, note that I seemed to be dehydrated and needed to remedy that right away. I felt substantially better by Wednesday evening.

It's now Friday and the soreness has definitely dissipated, and I've barely run this week (only an easy 3 miles yesterday after Monday's and Tuesday's easy runs). I'm continuing my self-care on the area and hydrating has been kicked up a bunch of notches. You could say I'm very well rested, that's for sure.

Race day is Sunday.

After my hamstring injury 16 months ago, I'm extremely cautious when it comes to tightness in that area. It takes forever for hamstring tears and sprains to heal and the last thing I feel like dealing with is another big problem that takes away running therapy. I know I'm in shape to run well on Sunday, quite likely a personal best, and the weather couldn't be more perfect - 40ish, dry air, and a 10mph tailwind on a slight downhill course. All the other stars are aligning for a great race, so to have any kind of potential issue is worrisome.

However, this isn't an A race or anything like that for me. I haven't raced this course since 2013 and since my husband is racing, I thought it would be fun to do so as well and see if I could pull off a PR (1:49:26). But I'm not very invested in it. Not sure if this is a good attitude to have or not!

I knew on Tuesday that whether or not I race will likely be a Sunday morning last minute call. I am not going to run unless I can REALLY RUN. I would rather have a DNS than just run an easy long run. It would irritate the crap out of me to hold back during the race for fear of hurting myself, so unless I'm comfortable running 8:15 miles, I'm not going to run at all.

There's always a lot of talk about how a DNF (did not finish) isn't as bad as a DNS (did not start), but frankly I think that's total bullshit. If I start this race and hurt myself and can't finish and therefore can't run for a few weeks, that's pretty foolish if I could have just bowed out gracefully and planned to run a different race down the road. To have the foresight to back out of a race to avoid injury seems way smarter to me than to be stubborn and force myself to "just try." I have a friend who has been working on finishing marathons in all fifty states. A few months ago, she chose, literally at the last possible minute, to not start a race, even though she had traveled far to race it, because she knew she couldn't give her best that day ("best" being a good attitude and gratitude for being able to run 26.2 miles time and time again, and not necessarily a fast time...after all, running several marathons a year means you don't race hard in all of them). She had slogged through a different marathon not long before this one and it pissed her off to no end afterwards to have failed to find happiness and satisfaction during the race and to her, it felt like she disrespected the distance. So when she knew she couldn't give her best again, she did the right thing for her and stepped away (she ended up going back to that state and made up for it and is actually finishing state #50 this weekend!). I totally get what she's saying. In my case, racing with a potential physical problem when it's not my A race just seems foolish and it's not what would make me happy.

Either I'm all in or all out. And I refuse to be disappointed by that.

So Sunday morning will arrive, and will I be at the starting line? I sure as hell hope so, because I'm honestly excited to see if I can get a personal best, but I'll listen to my gut and do what's right.

Personal Victories

I recently read an article in Runner's World from one of their coaches regarding replacing Personal Records with Personal Victories. She was a diehard PR chaser (as have I been on occasion, and recently), but in order to keep the joy and satisfaction in her running and to teach people about different kinds of goals, she changed this year's goals into Victories instead of Records.

I like that idea a lot. It was kind of surprising to me that after missing my goal in my last marathon, that I wasn't very disappointed by it. I still felt like I had achieved a huge victory in that race and I was happy with the outcome. This wasn't always the case when I missed a goal. So perhaps I've already starting this idea of Personal Victories being more important than a new PR.

While I still want to absolutely chase a new marathon PR, I want my main focus to be on different kinds of running victories, and victories in other parts of my life.

I want to be injury-free.
I ended 2019 and am beginning 2020 battling some tendonitis, and am taking steps to remedy it. I want this to be the only thing I deal with injury-wise this year. It's frustrating to be derailed by avoidable ailments.

I want to be joyous and thankful in every run.
Even the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, I am so lucky I can step outside and run whenever I want, that my body is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy the outdoors in a unique way. That kind of gratitude goes a long way in keeping me motivated to run and train. I've always said that I refuse to slow down as I age, and I'm sticking to that. I know that eventually my race times will stop dropping, and it's probably sooner rather than later since I'm turning 46 next week, but I will ALWAYS keep moving. I'm so lucky to be healthy and I want to keep it that way.

I want to inspire someone.
I have been told that my marathon running is inspirational, but if that's the case then I want to be the reason that someone tries running, or that they come back to it after an absence, or that they tackle a new goal for themselves. I want to see someone get up and outside and be fearless because they were inspired by me. It makes the painful miles worth it to help out another person.

I want to run 2020 miles this year.
So technically this would be a personal record for me, but since it's not tied to an actual race time, I'm going to include it in my list of Personal Victories instead. This would equate to an average of 38 miles per week over the course of the year, and that seems like a lot. But when I'm training for Chicago I'll be running over 50 or 60 miles per week, so I think this average will pan out....of course as long as that whole "injury-free" victory happens!

I want to run in new places.
The best part about me seeking out destination marathons is that I get to run in new places. I've run ten marathons in Texas, so I'm only picking marathon distance races in other states right now, and for the foreseeable future. I love adding new places to my list and exploring them in such a unique way. Last month when I ran in Sacramento, I got to see the area with new eyes...even though I grew up in California and have been to the Sacramento area more times than I can count! Next up for me is Atlanta, and since the only other time I've set foot in Georgia was during a Ragnar Relay when I didn't even realize we had been in Georgia (it was Chattanooga to Nashville), it would be nice to actually SEE the state. I'll also be running in Chicago, and I've only ever been there on business (20 years ago!) and on layovers.

I want to let go of toxic things.
Whether it's people, or situations, or habits.....I want them all to go away. I worked on this a lot in 2019 and was successful, but there's still a ways to go before I'm satisfied. I have tightened my circle, have let go of negative situations, and am seeking out positive encounters as much as I can. I have a lot of stress in my life that is not within my control, so when I can control something, I'm doing a better job of ACTUALLY CONTROLLING IT. It might mean I spend more time solo and say no to big gatherings, but that's really good for me. It also might mean saying no when I'm asked of a favor, and I'm asked to do a lot of things by others, but I need to let go of the guilt I feel when saying no. It's always ok to say no to someone and NOT feel guilty for it. We aren't superhuman, after all. It might mean deleting people off of social media...sorry not sorry? I also need to stop some unhealthy habits and put more time into habits that make me feel productive. I got a little lazy with a few things recently, and it's making me feel pretty bad about myself, so it's time to turn the ship around. Guilt and remorse are too toxic for me.

I want to be strong for my kids.
My kids are going through a lot of changes right now. My son is about to graduate from high school and his future college plans are still uncertain, so I need to be there for him in any way that I can. My daughter is continuing on her journey to better mental health, and while it is sometimes particularly hard for me to deal with because of my own issues, I need to put that aside sometimes and be "all in" for her. That, in and of itself, would be a huge personal victory for me. I nearly fell apart towards the end of 2019, and am still crawling out of my hole, but I'm coming along, and thankfully my sweet kiddo has been pretty great most of the time. She's coming out of her hole, too, and I'm super proud of her.

I want to be the best wife I can be.
I've been married for 21 years, and marriage is freaking HARD sometimes. But I'm fully committed to seeing this thing through for the rest of my life. That means putting my husband first, and putting our relationship in the forefront of all our decisions. I'm at the age where the majority of my friends have been through divorce, often with kids involved, and I thank my lucky stars that Greg and I have weathered some pretty bad storms together. I see the pain of divorce and sharing custody and I want no part of it. So that means I better continue to buckle up and be the wife my husband and our marriage deserves. Through good times and bad. The security that comes from a committed relationship is what I need in life....to depend on each other on a daily basis is a beautiful thing.

If I can keep my focus on these kinds of victories, then I think I'll be having a good year, and if things don't quite go as planned, at least I will have bettered myself and become stronger to withstand the negative situations.

What are your personal victory goals?

Coming to a close

Now that I have time to breathe and think about something other than marathon training, I've been thinking a lot about the rest of my personal life. I have stepped back a bit from disclosing our struggles, as we navigate how we should be handling them.

But I feel like we got a really big win this week and I want to share it.

My daughter (she's nearly 15) has been in therapy continuously for almost 4 years. She was in therapy with a counselor at nine years old for a few months, but then there was a big gap before we found a psychotherapist. Since that time, she also came under the care of a psychiatrist and then started group DBT therapy in August of this year after a particularly difficult summer.

Recently, she had a huge relapse. It frightened us and confused us and made us take a step back on where we needed her therapy and medical interventions to go. It took a couple of months, and many many appointments between all three therapists. When I mentioned it was kind of a miracle I ever made it to my marathon start line in one piece, I wasn't kidding. I was worn down. But I used training as my own therapy and distraction from the emotionally exhausting things we were encountering as parents.

On Tuesday, she "graduated" from psychotherapy. After more appointments and money than I can even fathom, we left that appointment without making her next appointment. As of right now, we don't "need" to and can have this therapist on stand-by for any future needs, should they arise. I actually cried as we were leaving. Her therapist has become more than just a "doctor." She's been my daughter's savior, and ours, and I genuinely love her as a person. I will greatly miss her, although thankful that if I'm missing her it means it's because my daughter is doing well.

When you have a baby, never in your wildest imagination do you think you'll have to send your child to therapy for years on end. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and it has been continuous for YEARS. It wasn't just a fluke bad spell she went through. She has struggled for so long that I don't really remember what it's like to NOT struggle. I still hesitate to put this out there, but I know that by sharing our struggles, it can make another parent maybe not feel so alone if they are also struggling.

I am constantly hurting for my girl, and angry, and exhausted, and confused, and completely unsure if I'm ever doing the right thing for her. I have to employ a tremendous amount of strength to not fall apart myself, and there have been times this year when I honestly thought I simply couldn't do it anymore. I have broken down more times than I can count, have cried more than I ever thought possible.

I am still terrified that the other shoe will drop, however. Absolutely terrified. When she calls or texts me from school, my immediate thought before I've even read the text or answered the phone is that something has happened and she's having a panic attack and needs me. I can't shake this impulse of mine to assume the worst, because there have been so many times where she has contacted me in a complete panic and meltdown. I still have to walk on eggshells with her, even though I know it's not helpful, because I don't want any reaction of mine to send her into a tailspin. I don't want to say the wrong thing or to be too tough as a parent. Balancing discipline with her emotional needs is probably never going to be something I get perfectly accurate, but I keep trying.

I have a phenomenal daughter. She is more compassionate than anyone I know, she is so strong in her convictions, and she genuinely loves people and wants to be the best friend and person she can be. She's wildly talented artistically and musically and I'm constantly in awe of what she can create. She's beautiful inside and out. I'm so in love with her character and so proud when I look at her that she is an extension of me. Her face is angelic and her smile lights up every room she's in.

I just wish her mental struggles would dissipate completely, that everyday stresses that we all encounter wouldn't debilitate her. It's getting better, it will always get better, and I feel so relieved when she handles unexpected disruptions in stride rather than being immobilized by them. She has a beautiful future, I know she does.

So I'm taking some deep breaths as we head into our winter break. I'm showing her as much love and attention as I can and reminding her of all her successes and strengths.

This year wasn't what I envisioned it would be. I had some huge highs and personal successes, but they were so difficult to truly enjoy because there were these other struggles that took over my thoughts on a daily basis, there was a tremendous amount of stress that I carried throughout my entire body, and rarely could I let it go completely and relax. I am truly thankful for my partner in crime. His job is so demanding and he works insane hours and is on calls with the other side of the world (or is ON the other side of the world!) at all hours, and yet he does everything humanly possible to take care of his family, to support me in my crazy endeavours, and joins me as I travel around the country running too many miles and spending all his money. We get closer every year and appreciate the little things with each other. When I am with him, he somehow magically makes most of my stress disappear. Just this past weekend, he took me on an impromptu weekend trip to Hollywood, Florida, so we could stay in the new Hard Rock Guitar Hotel and enjoy a Bret Michaels concert and Criss Angel show and spend hours just laying at the pool without a care in the world. It was incredibly refreshing and I wouldn't want to spend a weekend like that with anyone else. My kids are so lucky they got him as a dad. His love is endless for all three of us.

It's crazy for me to think that we are in our twilight of parenting years. Our son will be graduating from high school and starting his adult life, and our daughter will be finding her own independence as she continues in high school and gains even more maturity. Next year will be a huge transition. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to tackle.

Hold your babies tight!