Control

What better word to use for 2021 than "Control?" After all, everything was pretty much out of control in 2020, right?

If there was ever a year that tested my patience, it was 2020. 

As the year progressed, it just got worse and worse.

Cancelled travel, cancelled school, cancelled races, cancelled family gatherings, cancelled friend gatherings, CANCELLED, CANCELLED, CANCELLED. 

Plus the hovering uncertainty and fear surrounding a virus that we all knew wasn't really going to go away.

Then as the year progressed and the goal posts constantly shifted around every aspect of life, let's throw in job loss and major surgery and rehabilitation. And a kid who was struggling daily with school. And missing my other kid.

Lessons in patience, indeed.

So as I enter 2021 and reflect upon the mishaps of 2020 and where I stand today, I find myself focusing on the word CONTROL. After all, despite the uncertainty and curveballs, there is always something in our lives that we can control. If we forget about that, then we are really going to free fall into the abyss, right?

Having an accident, seriously injuring myself, requiring major surgery, and undergoing months of rehabilitation in order to get back to normal function was completely out of my control (well, unless I had been paying better attention on that run and hasn't tripped). I have no choice but to do what I'm told by my doctors and physical therapists or risk permanent injury and decreased function. But rather than think of it that way, I'm going to turn it around and view it as WITHIN MY CONTROL.

I am in charge of my recovery. I am in charge of choosing to get up everyday and find something new I can do again, to find creative solutions to movement that are within the confines of my recovery, to find a way to keep my nutrition on track, and to find a way to calm my mind. I am in charge of what I consume mentally...the internet, books, movies, whatever that may encompass. I am in charge of who I spend time with (no matter what the government wants to impose), of whom is given space in my head, on whom I focus my energy. 

I may not be able to run or seriously strength train or finish some house projects in a timely manner, but I am completely in charge of sticking to my routine so I can get there when I am supposed to, maybe even sooner. Or I can choose to half-ass my rehab and have it take substantially longer and perhaps even limit my recovery and never be as strong as I was before. I can choose to focus on my current weaknesses and the changes in my body that I find horrible, or I can choose to think of each new movement, of each new exercise as my path to the body I had before October 18. 

This last one is the absolute hardest, admittedly. I hate the way I look right now, even though to the casual observer I don't really look much different. But I see myself daily, I see the subtle changes, the weaknesses, the negative results of the accident and surgery. I'm struggling with this so much right now and it brings me to tears some days. I am not used to being weak and I'm not used to FEELING so weak.

So what am I doing everyday to combat my fears, to combat the negative, to improve my strength and movement, and to get closer to the day I can say that I AM BACK?

First, I religiously do my physical therapy exercises. No shortcuts, no skipped sessions, no laziness. Every morning and every night, with a timer set so I don't get lazy and stop early, I do each and every exercise set forth by my physical therapists. I push myself a little further each day, even when it hurts. I mentally catalogue the change in my range of motion so I know I am making progress daily. Every centimeter added to the range of motion is a victory. Every single centimeter. Some days I'm stiff, but I don't see that as a setback. I set my timer and keep working.

I find exercises I can do that don't harm my shoulder. I can do corework and lower body strength training, so I do that as often as possible, pushing myself a little more, adding more reps or sets each week. I am trying to get creative on what corework I can do without using my shoulder and am slowing clawing my way back to good core strength. 

I can't run yet but I can walk as much as I want, so that's what I do. This past week, I added hill repeats and faster walking paces to the mix. My heartrate still doesn't get very high, but by adding incline I feel like I'm working harder. Luckily our weather is usually good enough to get outdoors daily and for that I'm grateful. I don't have a gym membership anymore nor do we have a treadmill, so I have to get outside.  I am walking about 25 miles per week and will push myself a bit more until I get clearance to start running again. I don't know when that will be....my doctor's protocol is very conservative but I'm progressing faster than the protocol, so the greenlight might be shifting in my favor. I see my doctor in 3 weeks and I hope to dazzle him with my progress. 

Once I get the green light to run, I have to remember that the road to my comeback is slow and long. Everytime you come back from injury, the last thing you want to do is rush the comeback. Time and time again, people will just jump right in and re-injure themselves rather than taking it bit by bit, day by day. I was running 50+ mile weeks before injury. My first run back will likely be a run/walk of two miles, possibly more walking than running. My "long" run? Probably a whopping four miles, with only a mile or so added each week. I won't go from zero running miles to thirty a week right away, that's for sure. I am completely in charge of being smart about comeback. Low and slow miles will get me way further than impatience. 

Every time I discover a new thing that I can do again....put a shirt on the normal way, tie my shoes without having to bend down quite so much, hold something just a tad heavier with my right arm, use the shifter in the car with my right arm instead of my left, put on my eyeliner with my right hand...I celebrate it. It makes me smile, it gets me excited for the next new thing I can do again. These things may seem insignificant, but when you haven't been able to do basic tasks for 10 weeks, every little victory is a HUGE victory. It brings you THAT MUCH CLOSER to full independence again. My next goal is to be able to put my hair in a ponytail. I'm so close. 

Being in control of my mental state is just as important as controlling the progress of my physical state. I have chosen with what to feed my brain this year and I'm going to continue to do so into 2021. Still no Facebook account, still being more intentional with my Instagram account, enjoying seeing people's healthy lifestyles on Strava...it's easy to consume toxicity and negativity and you have to actively reject it. I still don't see myself as coming back to Facebook anytime soon. I am reading a lot of books, both fiction and nonfiction and learning as much as I can about topics important to me. I am giving little attention to anything (or anyone) that doesn't serve my peace and happiness. 

So 2021 is about CONTROL. Controlling not only my physical progress, but controlling my mental state, viewing small victories as big victories, choosing to see baby steps as big steps. 

It's been awhile

 This is the first time in over 7 weeks that I have felt comfortable using both hands to type, so I got the urge to actually write a blog post for the first time since August. You see, on October 18, on an easy 10 mile training run with my husband, I tripped on something and fell hard on my right shoulder and completely destroyed my rotator cuff. And when I say "completely destroyed," I mean DESTROYED to the point that I couldn't move my arm at all after I fell. I was immobilized on the ground, in severe pain, and terrified. My arm literally couldn't move. I didn't know what I did...break it?...but I knew it was bad. Very very bad. And I needed to get to the ER as soon as possible.

That was a supremely shitty day. An MRI a couple days later confirmed my doctor's suspicion. I had a complete rotator cuff tear. There are four sections to the rotator cuff and I had torn two completely and one partially. Only the front and a small part of the back was still attached. It was no wonder that I couldn't use my arm...nothing was attached to make it move. It was a useless appendage and I needed surgery right away.

I'm also right-handed. And I was in the middle of home improvement projects, with a bathroom partially painted and three other rooms and some of the outside of the house ready to be repainted as well. 

Oh, and there was also that marathon I was deep in the middle of training for, only eight weeks away. Well, that wasn't happening anymore! When you tear your rotator cuff and get it surgically repaired, you don't run EVER AT ALL...for months.

Staring at my injured shoulder was depressing. I had pretty nice shoulders before this, I was strong, I never had a single shoulder issue in my life. Now I had a swollen, flabby arm that wouldn't work and wouldn't look the same for a really long time. The strong body that I had taken such good care of for years was now going to be suffering. Perhaps that's a vanity moment, I don't know, but it seriously bummed me out to think about.

I had surgery ten days after the injury, and it was only my second major surgery in my life. I thought I was prepared for how brutal it was going to be, after talking to a few friends who'd had rotator cuff repair (although none had as bad of a tear as me), but I was not prepared. It was awful and I want to forget it. The three days post-op, when I was completely dependent upon my husband to do anything, when I had a nerve block stuck in my neck, when my right arm was totally numb, when I couldn't shower, when the smallest movement caused major discomfort, when I was totally drugged up on hydrocodone just so I could sleep....that was a hideous three days.

I had to wear my sling for six weeks and couldn't start physical therapy until then (in talking to my friends, it seems like that's a very long time to have to wait for PT, but I have a shit ton of anchors holding my repair together and it needed to heal). Once I could do a few movements on my own at home two weeks post-op, I started feeling a little bit better, although it scared me at first to see how little movement I could endure. I couldn't even write without major discomfort and I had to do learn how to do everything with my left hand. I couldn't style my hair, so it hasn't exactly looked so great the last few weeks! I can't drive my own car since it's a standard, so I steal my poor husband's (nicer) car, but driving one armed is not easy. Every few days, however, I do notice a little more range of motion and it gives me hope. I can now do a few things, carefully, with my right arm and hand and it has given me a bit more freedom. Physical therapy started yesterday and I have a lot of exercises to do a few times per day. I'll be going to PT twice a week for now. 

One of the worst parts of my accident is that it happened a month after my husband got laid off from Dell (big company-wide layoff). The timing couldn't have been worse. He had a lot of good things in the pipeline job-wise, but he still was unemployed and taking on thousands of dollars in medical costs was not exactly a good thing. I felt terrible for doing this to our family at the worst possible time. The silver lining was that while I recovered right after surgery, he was able to be a full-time nurse. The morning of the surgery, while we were literally in the parking lot about to walk in to the facility, he got a call with a job offer, and REALLY great job offer, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Twelve days after my surgery was his first day at work (from home, thankfully). He's incredibly busy so I have had to be pretty resourceful around the house using only one arm. He just doesn't have free time for anything right now, but there's a paycheck again, so it's all worth it.

Having to defer my marathon entry to next year and push off Chicago until 2022 (I won't be ready next October) was deflating. I was looking forward to getting back to Mississippi to run along the Gulf again, I was running very well and feeling good. However, I knew that even if I did get another BQ, I wouldn't be using it for Boston next year. The race will (maybe) be in September instead of April and I have no desire to run it in September. So that leaves my next likely Boston opportunity pushed out to 2023 and that's a long shot. It made me realize that in all likelihood, the soonest I can get back into BQ shape would be during the Boston 2024 qualification window (that's when Chicago 2022 would be)....and that means a new age group! I never thought it would take that long, but it just might! I have no idea when I will be allowed to run again, and I'm scared to try it. I'm fearful that I will think I'm going to trip again. I can't hurt myself again and still expect to be able to have full use of my arm. I simply can't. It may take a very long time to get back to where I was pre-injury. 

In the meantime, I walk a lot. Almost every day. It's a point of sanity in my day that I desperately need. But I miss the early morning runs and how strong it made me feel. I'm very much out of shape now, feeling pretty down about my body. I have to find the patience to get through the next six months (and beyond). Turning 47 next month makes me feel like I time is not on my side. 

Also, coronavirus can go to hell.