Race Calendar+Goals+Pride

After the excitement of finishing my marathon season, it's been nice to take the pressure off myself a bit and just get back to enjoying running and thinking of future goals. There was a restlessness, however, that was eating at me and I knew I needed to get serious about picking out some races leading up to Boston 2019.

Since my half split times in both marathons were some of my fastest half marathons ever, I knew it would serve me well to focus more on that distance. Before these marathons, I hadn't run a sub-2 hour half since 2014, and my PR of 1:51:36 is now five years old. I have a big goal that I'm eyeing in Boston (provided, of course, that my 5:07 buffer is sufficient and I get in, and if the weather cooperates), and I'd like to get in some tune up races well before the buildup to Boston.

So I have picked two half marathons so far, both in Houston, but on two totally different courses. The Houston Half is on October 28 and is on a looped course through downtown and on Allen Parkway and Memorial Drive. It's a great section of Houston to run and I'm excited about it. It's easy to travel to Houston and it's on a Sunday so I don't have to disrupt our family schedule by having to travel on a Friday. It's not a huge race as far as big city races go (less than 4000 finishers in 2017). At first I was going to run a Shreveport half marathon that weekend, but it's on Saturday and a couple hours further away than Houston. Houston Half just seemed better logistically. Besides, it was only $50!

The second half I'm signed up for is Aramco Half, which coincides with Chevron Houston Marathon in January. I've run this race five times so far, four marathon distance and one half distance. Four out of five times the weather has been great so I'm hoping for that good luck to continue. I love this race for so many reasons. The organization can't be beat, it finishes at the convention center so you get to be inside after the race, the course is great, and the crowd support is the best I've experienced so far. The 2019 race will be my first race in my new 45-49 age group. It comes three months before Boston, so perfect timing to gauge my fitness and figure out where I need improvement before I build up for April 15. I'm hoping that my time qualifier is fast enough to get me in A corral (that's a big deal in a huge race like Houston)...but I think it will. Fingers crossed. This Houston race will really be a big goal race for me, provided the October race goes well and I can still see ways for further improvement.

I'm not sure how much I'm really going to talk about my specific marathon and half marathon time goals. I haven't told anyone beyond the husband what they are, and they frighten me a little. But if I learned anything from 2017 and my two marathons, is that I am perfectly capable of the hard work and discipline that is required for lofty goals, so why stick to the same when I have the potential to be even faster? But...to throw those goals out there into the open so early in the year? No, I'm not ready to do that just yet. My mind is going a million miles an hour strategizing the next several months and I'm looking forward to new challenges.

In March I'll be racing in the Texas Independence Relay for my 9th year in a row. It's been cut down from 200 miles to 180 miles this year, which means only three legs for me and not four, and probably a max of about 16 or 17 miles total for me to run. I committed to 8:15 pace and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time to see if I can maintain that kind of pace over my three relay legs. Two weeks after the relay is my first 10K road race in nearly 6 years. My goal is to shave 5 minutes off my PR. I have a relatively slow (for me) 10K PR since I have only raced a handful of times at that distance. The weather is a crapshoot in April in Texas, however, so I'll cross my fingers and hope it cooperates and I can suck it up enough to meet my "A" goal.

The hubs pointed out something funny this morning. Because I am planning to do Boston next year, that means that my thought of running Ironman Texas is on hold right now and he's so happy about that! Truth be told, so am I! While the idea of Ironman is not off the table at all, I'm so ill-prepared to start that kind of training. It's pretty much a relief to table that craziness for at least another year.

Now enough about me...I want to talk about my husband! He's running his first marathon in July, and a goal half marathon in April, and he has already been working his butt off. I wrote up a tough training plan for him, and he's flying through it in such an impressive way. He doesn't at all question the crazy things I make him do, even if they scare him, and he totally trusts the process each week. He tells me all the details about each run and how he felt so we can adjust if necessary, being mindful of doing too much too soon and risking injury. His dedication is off the charts awesome and if he's able to continue at this with the same determination, consistency, and commitment then he has a really big shot at qualifying for Boston at his marathon. He figures if he's going to go big, he may as well go REALLY big. He's seriously a coach's dream client. He just makes me damn proud!

After spending so many years training to "finish" marathons and never committing to my true ability, it feels so good to know that I am finally a good marathoner and have the ability to get even better. Crazy fast (for me) goals no longer scare me as much as they used to, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. But I know if I plug away one week and one run at a time, and track my progress, and adjust where I need to, and dial in my nutrition and racing weight like I did in 2017, I'm not totally crazy for wanting these new goals. I am so thrilled at the thought of crushing my goal in Boston next year!

My Husband the Marathoner

Something CRAZY just happened in the Hahn House.

The husband registered for his first marathon. The husband, and I quote, thinks "marathons are stupid."

HE'S GOING TO RUN 26.2!

Years and years ago, he told me he would run one marathon, and that would be Rome, and we arbitrarily picked 2020 as the year to do that together. He's always maintained that he would be one and done and he would have a great time in a beautiful city doing it.

Well.....

I think he cooked up this idea while I was racing Mississippi Gulf Coast. When he saw that I was going to Boston qualify, he started thinking about running Boston with me, but as a charity runner. As soon as I was done with that race and had caught my breath, he told me this crazy idea, and I was so excited.

Come to find out that it's not quite so easy getting picked as a charity runner, plus they start in a different wave than where I would start, so we couldn't run together if he was a charity runner. So that plan started to evolve into something even crazier.

He's going to try to QUALIFY for Boston and run it with me. Boston 2019 happens to be 3 weeks before our 20th anniversary, making it extra special.

So, the man who says marathons are stupid, who's never run longer than 2 hours and 3 minutes, is going to run 26.2 miles on July 29. He needs a 3:25 to qualify and will be shooting for a 3:20.

He's a great runner, but has only raced long distance once, a half marathon back in 2009, at a 7:50 pace while injured and on relatively low mileage (fast bastard). He has run several half marathons since then, but always with me or in training. Talk about an awesome and inspiring leap of faith!

I get to be his coach, and over the last two months I've been helping him build up his base miles and endurance, knowing he was thinking about taking on this challenge. He's up to 30 miles per week already, and provided he stays consistent and healthy, we will get him over 50 miles per week as we approach summer. Yes, a Texas summer spent running 50+ mile weeks, which will only serve to make him even stronger on race day.

I'm so excited about the opportunity to coach another runner to a Boston Qualifying time, or at least die trying! To take on the challenge of doing this for a new marathon runner will be even more exciting. If I didn't think he was a strong enough runner, I wouldn't want to do this, but my husband is pretty damn incredible. He has the discipline and focus to stick to a schedule, he's fast, he saw how hard I worked to hit my goal and the commitment doesn't scare him. All those factors are huge in order to pick such a lofty goal for a first marathon. He chose a downhill marathon, with a gradual downhill that will hopefully not destroy his legs but instead give him that extra boost to achieve his goal.

We have 5 1/2 months to work on this.

BQ or Bust!

Control

As I was finishing up my last blog post, another topic formed in my mind that I feel the need to write out and work through. In case you haven't noticed, my mind works in overdrive sometimes and having this blog is a great way to dissect these thoughts.

I talked a bit about how important it is for me to focus on the things I can control in my life. I have so many things that are total crapshoots for me on a daily basis that without something concrete to focus on, I'd literally lose my mind.

For starters, my kids. Oh, my darling kids. Mind you, I love them with all of my being. I think they have incredible minds, incredible talents, and with a bit of direction, are really going places in this world. But parenting them is far more difficult than I ever envisioned. They are smart as can be, so I thought school would be a breeze for them.

Nope.

They have a ton of talent...my son is a computer whiz and my daughter is fully immersed in the arts - she can sing like nobody's business and her artistic talent is being fine tuned on a daily basis. So of course, they'd be super focused on success because of this, right?

Nope.

It's frustrating. That's putting it mildly. Actually, it absolutely kills me. It stresses me out like nothing else in my life that they always manage to find a way to get distracted, to not care, to perform less than they know they're capable of. I have absolutely no control over this, and I refuse to be a helicopter parent no matter how much the school pushes me to micro-manage them. I've spent years trying to find a balance between guiding them, hovering over them, harping on them, and talking about it until I'm blue in the face, while forcing them to take control of it themselves, to be responsible, and to allow them to fail and learn a lesson. I can't do the work for them, I can't force them to care, I can merely guide them and support them. Basically, it's totally out of my control and my mind wrestles with this on a daily basis.

So that's my kids for you. I don't have control over what they choose to care about or on what they focus their attention, but I have control over accepting them for who they are and supporting all their successes and their failures.

My kids are only a part of the uncertainty that surrounds me on a daily basis. There are so many things that I struggle with personally, and find difficulty in controlling. I have come to accept many of these variables, however, but it was a long process.

First, mental health. For a very long time I was unaware that I suffered from depression and anxiety and that it was an actual disorder that I would be struggling with for the rest of my life. I always viewed my "bouts" with depression and anxiety as just that....temporary bouts. It wasn't until a few years ago, that, after discussing it at length with my doctor, I was found to be clinically depressed and suffering from a legitimate anxiety disorder. Temporary fixes wouldn't make it go away. I would always have to be proactive about treatment and I could not be complacent. I'm so thankful for the counselor that I found who worked with me in those early days to come to terms with this problem and find ways to reset my mind. I'm thankful for my doctor for taking me seriously and then opening my eyes to reality, and spending time reworking my medication so I finally found one that my body could tolerate long term.

Anyone who suffers from mental health disorders understands just how significant all these steps are. I have accepted that this who I am, I have a husband who supports me daily and understands when it's just "not my day...or my week" and doesn't make me feel guilty about it, and I continue to find ways to battle through the dark times without giving in to that darkness.

I do not have control over my diagnoses, but I have control over how I let it run my life.

Next, the negativity in the world. I gotta be honest here. I think the way people have treated each other in the last couple years...publicly...is just insane. It's disgusting and unnecessary and it shows a complete lack of character. The name calling, the lack of common sense, the lack of decency, the inability to really think about what they're saying and doing. It blows my mind. I can't control what other people think or do or say, but I certainly don't have to join them in their immaturity and irrational behavior. It's forced me to remove people from my life (trust me, I only did this after a lot of soul searching), and to avoid some people, and to keep my mouth shut about many things. I want to be known for my compassion and grace, not for being a raging bitch when I don't agree with someone. So I've quieted my mind and my mouth. It's truly a freeing experience.

Lastly, let's talk about physical health. I am a healthy person...mostly. However, what isn't so obvious on the outside is that I do suffer from many physical ailments, and my family medical history is downright frightening. I have asthma, eosinophilic esophagitis and dysphagia, and scoliosis. My family has suffered with countless bouts of cancer, high blood pressure and cholesterol, and diabetes. I sometimes feel like I'm on borrowed time because I've not yet experienced anything truly life threatening. My disorders are incredibly frustrating at times, however. I had hoped in the last year to put myself as a priority and work on a better solution to my gastrointestinal issues, but because of my family's medical woes in the last year and the astronomical amount of money we were spending on that, I had to put myself on the backburner. I really need to get treatment again (surgery or meds? both? not sure). I finally said enough is enough and I scheduled doctor appointments with a new team of doctors after I was dissatisfied with my last one. That appointment is on Monday and I'm optimistic that I will see relief soon. It's been a long time coming and it was time to put myself first. With regards to my asthma, thankfully, with the weight loss and more focused marathon training last year, I feel like I've made big strides with improvement and better control of my asthma. I didn't have any real trouble with it. However, my allergies that lead to asthma issues need to be addressed in a more permanent manner. I finally scheduled the appointment I will need to begin allergy shots. It's a huge commitment but it was time I stopped putting it off. The scoliosis? Yeah, that's not exactly going away, and because of the imbalance it creates in my lower body, I have to be extra diligent with physical therapy exercises and weight lifting to keep my imbalance from causing running injuries.

My family medical history is probably one of the biggest motivators to me taking charge of my physical health. I can't control genetic predispositions to anything, but I can still do whatever I can to fight off other preventable diseases. I refuse to be limited by things that I am 100% in control over, and when I've seen things start to go sideways I always try to right the ship by putting more focus and effort into nutrition and exercise. To people on the outside, I seem obsessed. I really don't care. I know how devastating preventable illnesses can be and if it's something I can control, well, then that's what I'm going to do. I have a lot of plans for the present and the future and I don't want any limitations.

I guess the moral of the story is that when you're feeling completely overwhelmed by things outside your control, sometimes what can bring you back from the abyss is finding those things that you CAN control and putting more focus into those. It can be something small, or many small things, or something big. But there is always something that is within your control. Taking hold of that can help you reset your mind and bring a bright spot into what can many times be a very dark and dreary time.

Random Thoughts

In the last week, I've started and deleted a few blog posts. None of them sounded right to me, and frankly, I thought they were boring.

It's been 18 days since the marathon, and I'm definitely finding a dullness in the aftermath. Don't get me wrong, I am still so thrilled with my race and impatient for April 15, 2019, to get here. Heck, for registration to get here in September even.

But there's definitely a lull in the storm right now and I'm feeling a little all over the place.

So maybe that's how this blog post should be. Random and all over the place.

I'm slowly getting back into 30+ mile running weeks, but the comeback is slow. My legs are still pretty spent, although I've had a few good runs. This morning's was not so good as I tried to incorporate some short speed intervals into the run. It was a little too much and my heartrate was too high and it felt like too much of a chore. So back to some really easy miles this weekend and we'll try again for the speed next week. This slow comeback is probably completely to blame for the lull I feel.

I've got a few races on my calendar, two 10k's and a 12-person 200-mile relay. I'd like to have some strong performances so I am focusing my training on those races right now. I'll be keeping long runs and some good volume into my training plan, with some tough speedwork thrown in as soon as my body can handle it. I haven't raced a road 10K since 2012, and much longer than that since I've tried to PR, so it's time to shave a whole heck of a lot of minutes off my really soft 10K PR. I'm hoping for good weather and a 48 minute race. My other 10K is a trail race, so that will be a nice change of pace. The relay will require some long run dedication, and I'm fine with that as it's a great excuse to keep up on my weekend long runs, which I love (for the most part!).

But we all know my mind has been really consumed with thoughts of Boston. My apologies already, because I'm officially obsessed. My thoughts have been a bit crazy at times. It still seems surreal to me.

I'm a decent runner, but I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of being good enough for the Boston Marathon. It's always seemed like the race for OTHER people, and I was always in awe when my friends would qualify and run it. It wasn't until pretty recently that I started to really think about my chances. Back in 2016 when I realized the qualification window for my new age group opened up the next year (for the 2019 race, when I'd be 45), I couldn't get it out of my head. My husband traveled to Hopkinton for business and bought me a Boston shirt to get me excited about the possibility of chasing this goal. He took photos and the start and finish and it definitely affected him being there. He wanted this for me, too. The seeds had been planted and the journey would begin.

But in reality, I had so far to go. I just wasn't a good marathoner and even a 3:55 seemed insane to me. But it was worth a shot. I knew I needed to whittle my weight down to 125 pounds (while keeping my muscles and strength...not of this skinny crap without substance for me) and really increase my running volume and the quality of my training plan if I had any shot to get that much better. Luckily, I had time on my side (although, in hindsight, it wasn't a lot of time at all).

The thought that I wasn't deserving of joining this elite group of runners was always in the back of my mind - ALWAYS - no matter how confident I appeared to be on the outside. I'm just not one of those folks that's seen a lot of glory. I fall short often (that sure sounds whiny), and I don't really view myself as much of a "winner." To be a Boston Qualifier, you've gotta be damn good.

Waiting until I turned 45 would give me far better chances of succeeding. To go from a 3:45 to a 3:55 qualification time was huge to me. It almost felt like cheating to be able to qualify in the 45-49 age group while I was still 43 years old, but after realizing that tons of other people have this advantage as well made me feel a little better, and this is how Boston has it set up, so who am I to argue?

Something sure clicked in my brain over the summer because I accomplished the things I set out to do - weight loss, higher volume, no injuries, faster paces. It came together for me and I ended up running two really stellar races. I legit earned my place at the start line (you know, provided 5:07 is a good enough buffer).

When the fiasco with the shortened course happened in Mississippi, it very easily could have broken me. I honestly wasn't surprised something like this would happen to me. After all, I wasn't one of those folks that wins. So of course, even though I ran a fantastic race, of course it didn't matter and I wasn't really a qualifier. Frankly, the fact that it didn't break me kind of shocks me. I struggle with many mental issues, so this could've gone pretty badly for me.

But, except for a few really down days, I don't think this was much more than a blip for me in the land of self-pity. I bounced back almost right away. My good attitude seemingly came out of nowhere.

I've been thinking a lot about that attitude, which leads me to the next random thoughts on this post.

GRACE. Y'all know what grace is, but few people truly know how to show it. Our country is in the midst of a complete failure of grace...it seems like nobody has any idea of how to show it and instead people retreat into their own little selfish spheres, and it's truly sad. People are just awful to each other about the smallest things. I had to show a whole heck of a lot of grace to the race directors of Mississippi and Louisiana (my second chance marathon). I could've ripped into them like countless other folks did. But I refused to. They felt bad enough. Grace could help carry me to the start line in Louisiana. There was definitely a higher power at work on my mind in this, however. No way could I have had the kind of attitude I had without some major intervention on God's part. He found a way to speak through me and my misfortune. Not that I want to pat myself on my back, but I am really proud of how I handled that situation.

CONTROL. I had zero control over the disqualification of the Mississippi course. Anything I did or said or whined about wasn't going to change what happened. But there were a million things I could control and I had to push the situation out of my head so I could get back in the game and work on all those things within my control. I was in control of my training, my diet, my sleep, all the things I needed to be on top of to have another great race day. And I could control my attitude. I HAD TO.

I honestly think those two things are what carried me across that second finish line in 3:49:53. Sure, I had to be physically capable, but if I had allowed the Mississippi situation anymore room in my head, it would have derailed the race in Louisiana. Mind games can ruin the most perfect race. Not to say it wasn't a struggle. Forcing the disqualification out, coupled with forcing my doubt out of my head, helped me succeed a second time.

But the DOUBT. Oh my gosh, there was so much doubt no matter how much I knew I was capable of an encore BQ. How could I not doubt it? I had never even come close to a 3:55 before, and here I was trying to do it TWICE in 5 weeks? What kind of crack was I smoking? So yeah, pushing the doubt out was just a wee bit difficult.

Something pretty amazing happened at that start line, though. The stars aligned, my mind was right, the course was spectacular, and my legs and my heart did what was expected of them.

So needless to say, I'm now obsessed with Boston and the fact that I will be running with thirty thousand others from Hopkinton to Boyston Street. Envisioning the race gives me goosebumps. Remember, this race is for the best marathoners out there! A year ago, I was a crappy marathoner! This isn't something that was supposed to happen for little ol' me. But it sure looks like reality now, and reality is pretty sweet, I must say.

Perhaps I'm focusing so much on this small aspect of my life because I feel so OUT of control in other areas. There are plenty of times when I feel like the world's worst parent and my son and I are struggling mightily to get along with each other. My daughter and I are doing okay, and after a really difficult time, she seems to be feeling better about herself. But I honestly don't have much control over where their heads are, as much as I try to support and guide them. Having my running goals is a good way to channel my energy into something healthy that I can control (....or mostly control). It's a big fat positive in the middle of some difficult and negative years on the parenting front. Perhaps this is why I cling so fiercely to my physical health...I can control it almost entirely and it gives me a sense of peace and direction and strength. I now feeling a whole new blog post taking shape in my mind as I write this.

Thanks for listening to my randomness. It always helps to write it out and work through it.