Lately, for the past few months at least, I have felt extremely burdened by the actions of others, by the actions that have directly hurt me and those that have hurt my friends and loved ones. The malice and disrespect has really been weighing me down, to the point where I've thought of seeking a therapist. And while I have often touted the benefits of therapy (heck, my kid has had one for 3 years and my original career aspiration was to become a psychotherapist!), I've always felt like I could handle my own issues without one. But I have felt so extremely burdened lately, and resentful, and just plain exhausted by these feelings. It angers me. I have a million incredible things going on in my life, including my marriage, my children, my upcoming trip to Boston....all these things are such gifts to me that keep bringing me immense joy, and it feels unfair to me that these other hindrances are trying to mar what is otherwise a phenomenal year so far for me.
(Side note: I wrote about respect a couple of months back when I was musing about 2019 and what I wanted to focus on.)
So this morning, I got out my Bible, because seeking an answer from God has never steered me down the wrong path. When I do not submit my burdens to Him is when I make the wrong choices and further hurt myself.
Of course God tells us to forgive others, and I admittedly am not ready for this. I will be, and I will continue to seek this path, and I will continue to read the Bible passages that steer me in this direction. But I can't forgive quite yet.
I need to unburden myself from these feelings, however.
I came across some perfect verses:
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 1 Corinthians 12:8-9
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32-33
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32
...a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away. Ecclesiastes 3:6
Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil. Proverbs 4:25-27
So this weekend and the coming days, my focus will be on calm and peace. I will steer away from the burdens, from those who I know do not have my best interests at heart, from things that do me harm and increase my anger. By nature, I'm reliable and will usually give the benefit of the doubt, I trust until trust is broken, and I often do forgive quickly. My heart is big, which is a bad thing when you trust too much. So rather than hardening my heart, I will turn it towards the good and away from the bad.
My poor husband has been a good sounding board for all of these feelings of mine, and he's a great listener. He respects where I am and is probably pretty thankful that he's not the root of any of my issues! But I owe it to him to seek the right answers and to move towards a more peaceful demeanor, to unburden myself from these negative feelings, and to set myself up for more positive experiences in the future.
This one life we get on earth deserves to be lived to its very best. If it means letting go of what is creating negativity, then that's what I will work towards.
