So many things

 June has been.....INTERESTING.

I started off the month feeling like utter crap. It was disconcerting....high heartrate, fatigue that was unrelenting, shortness of breath, just a lot of very concerning things. My body was not cooperating on runs, nor during everyday things. My hip was really starting to hurt (I suspected bursitis), so I knew that wasn't helping matters at all. 

On June 6, I threw in the towel on my long run and called Greg to come pick me up 2 miles in. I was running 11 minute pace (my very easy pace), and my heartrate climbed quickly into Zone 3 and was staying there. I couldn't breathe correctly and just felt like I was running through cement. I was DONE with feeling like this.

I got a doctor appointment the next day and he listened to all my concerns. Bloodwork to check pretty much everything was ordered and my blood was drawn (4 vials!) right there at the office. I made another doctor appointment with my orthopedist's office the next day to have my hip checked out.

The ortho agreed with me regarding my hip - it really looked like bursitis, which is an annoying condition but totally something that can be overcome. BACK TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! My poor, poor physical therapist. I also got a cortisone shot, my first one ever. No running for the rest of the week, which I was definitely okay with since I felt like crap on every run anyway.

I got my bloodwork results back later that day. Everything fell within normal ranges. HOWEVER, my ferritin was bordering on too low, particularly for an endurance athlete, and my Vitamin D was back down to the low level of normal. Thankfully my thyroid was functioning okay (I only have half a thyroid) and my blood panel didn't indicate anything alarming. So I doubled my regular iron and Vitamin D supplements, and would continue to take Vitamin B12, fish oil, and magnesium as usual (yes, it's a lot but I'm a middle aged woman and I'll do whatever it takes to feel good!).

The doctor and I had discussed my discontinuation of mood regulators, which I had been taking for years. I tapered off them in February and what I was experiencing could be a delayed reaction to the withdrawal of the medication. The biggest issue, however, was the amount of stress in my life. I am massively stressed almost daily due to some situations that are really beyond my control. I have been trying to use other methods in helping me deal with the stress, but it's entirely possible that it's just not enough, and the mood regulator was doing more good than I thought, and even if I wasn't feeling particularly "depressed" (I'm not), the medication was helping me control my stress levels. 

Well, crap. I really didn't want to go back on the medication. I take zero prescription meds and I like it that way.

But I needed to help resolve this problem. My body was physically deteriorating due to stress, and with the addition of higher levels of supplements and a reintroduction of a mood regulator, I could still turn it around. I am a healthy person and should be feeling better! So I restarted the medication at half the dose I was taking previously. It's only been a few days and I'll be able to judge the effectiveness in a few weeks.

I don't like being dependent on something, but like a friend of mine said recently, a diabetic wouldn't think to stop taking insulin, so someone with a mood regulation problem should also do whatever medically necessary to keep themselves healthy. She's totally right. And I shouldn't feel bad for needing this.

Around the same time as this, Greg was a total SWEETHEART and surprised me with a brand new Garmin Fenix 6S sapphire watch. He was proud of me for how far I've come since my October accident and how excited I am to begin marathon training next month, and wanted to give me everything he could to aid in my training. My previous watch is a Fenix 5S, so definitely a pretty sweet watch but the features on the 6S are just the coolest! Heat acclimation, load focus, and an improved race predictor. I just love it!

I may have also purchased the Saucony Endorphin Pro 2 shoes, even though I never even raced in my original pair of Endorphin Pros. But how can I resist a checkered pattern?

Now....about my hip. I have a feeling that in the months during my shoulder rehab when I wasn't moving my arm much but was still going on very long walks, I developed a worse than usual imbalance (I have scoliosis so I'm always a bit imbalanced). Because my shoulder was still healing and I was very limited in my movements and exercises, strength training was minimal. The imbalance turned into inflammation and bursitis on that side. So back to physical therapy I went last week, to the same guy who helped me through my shoulder rehab. But this time, the work is much more exciting for him since it involves strengthening and not just ROM exercises. He agrees with the orthopedist that it's likely bursitis, and he pinpointed my core/glute weaknesses that are contributing to the problem. He has me doing daily exercises and I see him 1-2 times per week. Unfortunately the cortisone shot only took away some of the discomfort. I probably needed a second shot in a different location, but I will say that the strengthening is already making a bit of a difference. 

In the midst of all this, I'm obviously running far less in June than I did in the previous two months. I'm keeping my runs shorter, and trying to focus on the little things like foot turnover and form and not being so damn afraid to run fast (tripping on a run and destroying your shoulder will put the fear in you like nothing else). Short intervals, shorter base runs, no long runs, 4-5 days per week of running. It's not a lot, but it's consistent and it's helping me heal and while it will always suck, I feel like my body is acclimating to the heat and humidity (my watch agrees with me!). Also, I actually sort of love the feature on the Fenix 6S that gives you suggested workouts, so for the past 2+ weeks I've just been doing whatever it tells me to. I don't always hit the paces it says I should but I don't think it adjusts the suggested workout paces for weather, so I just roll with it. 

Technically I start marathon training in two weeks and I've rewritten the first few weeks of the plan to build my long run. Originally I planned to have a base of 10-12 mile long runs, but that's out the window for now, so I'll be starting at six miles and building from there. Before long I'll be at 40+ mile weeks and I'm looking forward to finally feeling better.

Oh, and we are remodeling and it's taking longer than I had anticipated. Who knew that EVERYONE ELSE is also remodeling??

So, in summary....

STRESS SUCKS

PEOPLE WHO STRESS ME OUT SUCK

BEING NEEDY SUCKS

HOWEVER, GREAT MEN MAKE AWESOME HUSBANDS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE MINE

STOP

Lacking motivation? Exhausted? Hit a plateau? INJURED??

THEN STOP.

What you're doing isn't working.

Take a step back and look at the last few weeks, last few months, whatever it takes, to find the culprit of your struggles. Don't tell me it's the weather. It's not summer yet.

I know why I'm sometimes struggling. I'm on the right track and I hope to fix it permanently soon. Or until I do the next dumb thing. I'm a runner, after all. 

I saw a couple posts by runners who I follow on Instagram and it got me thinking about this issue I see time and time again from me and my running buddies/social media influences. The constant struggle to get through a training cycle unscathed....it's a big problem! Been there, done that. Tired of it. Tired of seeing it from others, too. (harsh, yes, I know)

This particular post pointed out the four things that you need to become faster, but it also totally applies to the concept of STAYING HEALTHY, both mentally and physically, in a training cycle. I've adapted it with a few extra points:

• 80% easy running (typically not what you *think* is slow, but SLOWER)
• 20% hard running (and NEVER on consecutive days)
• Consistency
• Specified training (every run has a purpose, every small step is part of the big picture)

The second post I saw is a quote from the Growth Equation:

Peak performance does not result from heroic efforts. It results from consistent small steps that compound over time.

So which part is your weakness? 

Do you know what 80% easy looks like? It means that out of 5-6 days per week of running, perhaps 50 miles per week, only 10 of those miles, or maybe 2 of the days, are at a hard effort. Hard effort is Zone 4+, maybe still high zone 3 if you're like me and the gears take awhile to heat up as I get more fit, or because your specified training calls for marathon pace and that might not necessarily get you to Zone 4 right away. Easy effort is Zone 1-2. Zone 3 can be the gray zone and when you have more Zone 3 than Zones 1-2, you're in trouble. 

That 20% of hard running should never be on consecutive days. 48 hours or more between hard efforts. Easy miles or rest in between. Your body CRAVES easy miles to build your aerobic engine and allow your body to recover instead of becoming overly fatigued, leading to bad form and injuries. 

I recently wrote up my marathon training plan for this next cycle and once I hit 6 days per week of running, this is how my week will shape up:

• Mon: Recovery Run
• Tues: Intervals (always with a warm up and cooldown)
• Wed: Easy Run (and long-ish)
• Thurs: Tempo Run (always with a warm up and cooldown)
• Fri: Off
• Sat: Easy Run
• Sun: Long Run (with race pace miles incorporated every 2-3 weeks)

Lots of easy paced stuff throughout the week.

Matt Fitzgerald explains all of this so thoroughly and much more eloquently than I ever could in his book, "80/20 Running." 

CONSISTENCY is a big BIG problem for a lot of people. You run a couple days one week, or take a whole week off, for whatever reason, then jump right back into 30 miles per week for a couple weeks, then take more time off. You can't stick to a training plan if your life depended on it. You can't commit to running on specific days, thinking it's okay to push things off a day or two, and then try to play catch up. JUST NO. Be committed and consistent, and if you have to take time off, ease into things. My first two weeks back after my 15 weeks off running after my surgery involved less than 10 miles of running. I still only run 25-30 miles per week and it's been nearly 4 months since my return to running. 

Specified training is just that. SPECIFIC runs on specific days, each with a specific purpose to build upon your overall fitness and lead you to the start line healthy and fit. Easy runs to build your base and aerobic endurance without overtaxing your body, recovery runs to recover from hard efforts while continue to add volume and endurance, long runs to increase endurance and your confidence in longer races, interval workouts to develop speed and efficiency, tempo runs to improve lactate threshold....you get the idea. Include a variety of running into your plan, in an appropriate schedule, and your fitness and speed and health will gradually improve....injury free. 

There are countless pace calculators out there to help you determine appropriate pace zones, calculators to help with heart rate zones, charts based on effort if heart rate zones aren't your thing. The point is, everyone should understand what their individual easy pace range is (hint, it's not marathon pace but rather MUCH slower). Everyone should understand their current fitness and adapt accordingly. Everyone has the ability to make up a schedule and stick to it. 

Coming off of an injury and getting right back into regular hard workouts and high volume, or running through an injury, is not smart nor is it heroic. I've only run 10 miles straight once since my return. I haven't run over 30 miles per week. I am chipping away at each baby step as it comes, knowing that each step creates big gains overall. Everyone should understand that big leaps can lead to big falls, that the turtle really can win the race.

Are you seeing gains? Or are you feeling overly fatigued and have nagging injuries? Then stop what you're doing, reassess where you can make positive changes, and set the wheels in motion.

 

New Training Plan

I'm a planner. I love to write up a plan, to have a timeline, to have detailed steps of how to get to my goal. So basically, writing my own training plans is perfect for me. I'm really detail oriented and I love the process of hashing out how I want to get myself prepared for the starting line. Now that I've graduated from physical therapy and have no limitations on my running, I feel prepared to sit down and plan my comeback!

I'd love to say that I'm going to blow this training out of the water, but let's be real. I'm not in 3:45 marathon shape, nor will I be by December 13. But I honestly think, that even with my struggles getting back into running, I can run a 4:00 marathon. I have 31 weeks until race day and will officially begin my training 22 weeks out, on July 12. Training for a 4:00 marathon sounds so much more doable than a 3:45. The training paces aren't daunting to me, even in my current running shape. 

The next few weeks are all about maintaining what I'm doing, adding in little bits of volume and intensity as I go. I'm running about 5 days a week now, and I've just added in a second quality workout per week, in addition to the intervals I've been running the past few weeks on Tuesdays. I'm getting close to about 30 miles per week, so my base is good right now. I'll continue the 5 days per week with speedwork and either a tempo run or progression run, and a long run every Sunday. I probably will not go beyond 10 or 11 miles in my long run until training officially starts. Just several more weeks of consistent running, increasing volume and extending the duration of intervals. 

I've definitely learned over the years that one of the most important things when tackling a marathon is CONSISTENCY. If I can consistently get in good volume weeks leading up to training, building up my base, then I'll be ready to add in more intensity and higher volume without hurting myself. The discipline I've cultivated over the past few weeks is paying off now, thankfully! I'm determined to get out there on my run days and do my best, even when I'm not feeling up to it. I keep ramming into my head that I have to be consistent if I want to get back to where I was pre-injury.

I'm not going to do the Hansons plan this time around. It's just too intense with too much volume for what my goals are. I'm not going to try to hit a Boston Qualifying time (which means the next time I do try, I'll actually be aging up....that's a nice little bonus for getting old). There's no need for me to run 55-65 mile weeks every single week. I'll be sitting around more like 50 mile weeks towards the end of the training, spending most weeks in the 40-50 mile range. I think that's a good place for me to be in....intense, but not too overwhelming. But I AM going to use the Hansons pace charts and pace adjuster for weather in determining my training paces. And I'm really glad I am, because as I was looking them up it reminded me that marathon training is A LOT of easy miles, and when I'm planning to run a slower marathon than previous cycles, it really means slowing it down. It's a huge relief.

So how does that break down for me for this cycle? A 4:00 marathon is 9:09 pace, so I'm using 9:05 as my marathon pace, giving me a few seconds room to be under 4:00. In good weather (temps in the 50s or colder, which is impossible in a Texas summer), that would mean my recovery runs are over 11:15 pace (yes, REALLY), my easy runs are no faster than 10:30 and ideally more like 10:45, my 5K-10K interval paces are about 8:00-8:20, and tempo paces probably around 8:30. If I want a more moderate long run, I'd run those around 9:50. 

But in a Texas summer when some of the worst mornings are over 75 degrees and high humidity, I'll be adding 30-40 seconds per mile to my easy/recovery runs and about 20-30 seconds per mile to my speed runs. That mean a lot of runs over 11:00 pace. To say that is a huge weight off my shoulders is an understatement! I'll get the same benefit of the faster paces but won't be overtaxing myself in the heat. The adjustments are so important, and they work! Leading up to my last marathon before I hurt myself, I took those adjustments seriously and was feeling pretty great as the weather starting getting cooler. 

In all honesty, I'm probably not running slow enough right now as often as I should. I'm not tackling a huge amount of miles yet, but once I do I need to be more mindful. 

In addition to maintaining consistency, I'll continue to ram it into my head that 80% of my miles are EASY MILES. Not pseudo easy, but truly easy. My Strava won't be flashy, but I'd rather see easy runs than an injured runner because I was running myself into the ground day in and day out. 

I have a second marathon that I'm signed up for 5 weeks after Mississippi Gulf Coast. If all goes well, I might try to run that one balls to the wall. I've got nothing to lose! Then by the time Chicago 2022 rolls around, I should be ready for that Boston Qualifying attempt. The great part? That's during the qualification window for Boston 2024, when I'll be 50 and can run 5 minutes slower to qualify (3:55). 

I'm a planner! And I'm getting excited!

Keep Showing Up

Remember when I said back when I first injured myself and wouldn't be running for months that I would never take running for granted again?

I'm trying so hard to remind myself to never take running for granted again. 

It's just that it's hard and while I usually don't shy away from hard things, I'm feeling pretty sad about the days when it felt somewhat easy.

It's not even so much about my pace (which of course is slower than it used to be at the same effort), but about how I FEEL. My breathing sucks, I feel awkward, there's no "flow." I know the pace changes will happen naturally, and that they probably won't happen until I incorporate speed work, but I just want to remember what it feels like to finish a run invigorated rather than irritated that it didn't feel smooth. I don't have the runner's high I used to have. 

I will admit that in the 50 degree temps and lower humidity of this morning, I felt better than I had in awhile. I wish that included sub-10 minutes with my heart rate in the 120s, but alas, we can't have everything. But overall, considering I ran longer than I have since injury (8 miles!), I felt pretty good when I was done. I ran anywhere from 10:15 to 11:08 miles, so in my old "easy/recovery pace" zone, and my heartrate average was 133, which is better than it's usually been. I do have a few wins to claim from this run, so I'm trying to look at the positive. 

I RAN 8 MILES!! Not long ago it seemed like that distance was a pipe dream and I did it without much difficulty today. 

I think it's time to incorporate speed work once a week. That won't involve anything crazy, just a minute or two at a time at probably a moderate pace rather than anything faster than my old marathon pace. Who knows? I have no idea how speeding up is going to feel, both physically and mentally. I still have a lot of demons to slay with regards to fear while running. Since my injury occurred because I tripped on a tiny thing while running, I'm still pretty terrified of doing that again and pretty much permanently losing shoulder function if I fall on it again. Unreasonable fear, probably, but fear nonetheless. How is this going to translate to trying to run faster? Is it going to hinder me? Remains to be seen. 

My virtual 5K is next weekend but since I have done zero faster running, I have no expectations. I'll just cruise at an effort that is not super easy but not hard and the it will be what it will be. It doesn't matter what that translates to....I have to complete it based on where my fitness is at right now and what is smart in my recovery. Most of all, I have to be thankful that I can run at all. 

I have to destroy these demons in my head that is making it hard for me to love running. I miss my love of running and need it to come back. I need patience and to have faith.

Luckily my first of two marathons I'm registered for is still 35 weeks away, and the second is 40 weeks away. I have a TON of time to build up my endurance and to be comfortable with the distance. Time isn't important. Merely making my endurance comeback is what is important. 

I read a book called "My Name is Hope" by John Mark Comer and in this book, he describes endurance as follows:

Is there a more perfect definition? We can apply this to many different areas of life. I have this message board hung on a wall in an area of the house I walk past several times a day as a reminder of how to approach challenges. Getting back into shape is definitely one of those challenges.

Did I mention that a month ago I stopped drinking until my May vacation? What was I thinking?? That might be harder than the running drama. 

Spring Cleaning

The dark winter is almost over!

This winter was stupid dark so I'm particularly looking forward to a change of seasons. 

When I last wrote a blog post, back in January, I was a few weeks into physical therapy, not running yet, but trying to find some semblance of a routine to keep my sanity. I let go of my 2020 goals, many of which were derailed by my accident in October. I set some new goals that were realistic for 2021.

I am now 20 weeks post-surgery on my complete rotator cuff tear. Hard to believe it's been 20 weeks already. I have completed 23 physical therapy sessions and am in the strength phase of therapy. I have 7 sessions left to go and will continue to go once a week and stretch out the strength phase as long as I can with my therapist. I am only about halfway in my recovery, realistically, and even after 40 weeks will not have my strength back to normal. I started running 6 weeks ago and am no where near back to normal on that front. That will definitely take a long time to get back. My body and mind are simply not the same as they were on October 18, when I was nearing the peak of marathon training.

The hardest part of this journey I never wanted to be on is getting my mind right. I am struggling with coming to terms with my body. It was so strong before this and now I feel like the 47 year old I am and I absolutely hate that feeling. I feel sorry for myself too often. I am angry too often. I am impatient and frustrated. I feel weak both physically and mentally.

I know a lot of people who have had rotator cuff repair, but I don't know anyone who had damage as extensive as mine. It's tough to hear about how they were in physical therapy a week after surgery, when I had to wait 6 weeks, that they were fine after a few months, when I will be looking at feeling "fine" after a year. My recovery is not comparable to others so I have a hard time finding encouragement to follow. It's pretty isolating sometimes. My therapist tells me I'm doing great, and there are some sessions where I'm pleasantly surprised at my progress, but then there are days when I'm frustrated that putting a can on the shoulder-height shelf is a struggle. 

I am trying to remember how hard things were when I first started doing active exercises and how little my arm would move on its own to how I can reach quite far with it now, that I really have made tremendous progress. But then I remember I used to be able to do 100 pushups and I fear I'll never be able to be that strong again. People tell me I'm crazy, that it takes time, but my mind is just too impatient. 

I miss being a marathon runner. Sure, I can go out and run continuously now, versus the run/walk intervals I had to start with in February. But I just now barely hit 6 miles and it was hard. My pace is incredibly slow and my heartrate and effort are nowhere near as low as they used to be at that pace. I have not tried any type of speed, but am thinking of incorporating short speed intervals in 2-3 weeks. I know in my head exactly what I need to do and what the progress should look like, but I hate how hard this is. I absolutely hate it. 

I know my attitude is being affected by other things around me, things that are out of my control, and I can't help but think it's penetrating my brain in negative ways. My youngest child continues to test me daily and I've exhausted my ability to help turn the tide. It's my kid's journey to complete. The tools are there, the support is there, but I can't make anyone do what they should do. Personal responsibility and hard work are they only thing that will help at this point. It's pretty maddening for a parent. And as helpful as some try to be, they do not understand the magnitude of this journey. It's the one that Greg and I are on, and only Greg and I. We are the only two that understand it. We've been living it for so many years now. It's not helping my own fortitude, that's for sure. The atmosphere in our country also continues to be painful to witness, when so much of it is avoidable and stupid. People unnecessarily turning against one another is completely wrong on so many levels, and it never needed to be this way. Add to that the countless lives that have been destroyed in this last year....and it's a recipe for depression, to put it bluntly. 

Of all the things to do to myself, it had to be this injury and surgery? Just stupid!!

BUT.....I am still in charge of my destiny. So while I will feel sorry for myself, I will be pissed at what my body feels like right now, I will be pissed off at others for their lack of grace and intelligence, I am still in charge of the trajectory of my life. 

So what does that look like?

I am RUNNING. It's not much, but I am running. I can now run 3 days in a row and will be doing that this week. I can continue to up my distance slowly. I focus on my effort, my form, my hydration, my breathing in the hopes of finally having a breakthrough. My breathing sucks, my effort is sometimes too high, and I feel like I'm in someone else's body, but as a former coach I know that consistency will produce results eventually. I KEEP SHOWING UP.

I signed up for another marathon yesterday on a total whim. I'm already registered for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon on December 12, and now I'm also registered for The Louisiana Marathon on January 16. It's called the Beach to Bayou Challenge and I did it in 2017/2018 (when I qualified for Boston). I have no plans to be that fast yet, but I think having this big of a challenge will keep me motivated to be consistent. Plus I love those races. Then in October of 2022 I want to run Chicago (I deferred 2020), and THAT is when I will try to be fast. 

Next month I'm running the virtual BAA 5K because who doesn't want a Boston shirt and medal? It will be a slow 5K compared to the past but fun nonetheless. I like Boston and I like medals!

I am also traveling for the first time in over a year! My husband and I are going to Florida for our anniversary in May for a long weekend on a beach. I need the time away, to reset and recharge and just enjoy time with only my husband. I had hoped to travel internationally this summer, but with restrictions still so changeable and the need for a negative Covid test to return to the United States has me very wary to leave the country just yet. I'm not afraid of traveling or being around people, but I don't like the thought of being restricted from reentry! So we will wait a bit longer on that. Thankfully, Florida is less restrictive than a lot of states and has beautiful beaches so it's a very nice compromise for now. 

I am ready for the tide to turn on life. I think we ALL are. It's been a ridiculous year of heartache for many. 

Goals? What Goals?

When 2020 started, I had SUCH A PLAN! I was going to be killing it in 2020. I bet a whole lot of us planned on killing it. Instead, we got a killer virus and all hell broke loose throughout the planet.

Good times.

Last January, I wrote a blog post titled Personal Victories. In it I outlined the "victories" I hoped to accomplish in the coming year, using that term versus Personal Best as I felt it better reflected my mindset. Let's do a little check in on how that went:

I want to be injury-free.

Well crap, that didn't go so well. However, let it be known that although I sustained my injury while running, it's not a "running" injury so to speak. It's not a stress fracture or overuse injury. I tripped like a dumbass. 

I want to be joyous and thankful in every run. Even the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, I am so lucky I can step outside and run whenever I want, that my body is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy the outdoors in a unique way. That kind of gratitude goes a long way in keeping me motivated to run and train. I've always said that I refuse to slow down as I age, and I'm sticking to that. I know that eventually my race times will stop dropping, and it's probably sooner rather than later since I'm turning 46 next week, but I will ALWAYS keep moving. I'm so lucky to be healthy and I want to keep it that way.

I think that up until October 18, I was pretty good at this. I had some GREAT runs in 2020 and was well on my way to a great marathon in December. I was thankful and grateful to be healthy. And now, as I recover from rotator cuff surgery, I am thankful for ANY movement I get to do. When I embark on that first run back I am going to be all smiles. 

I want to inspire someone. I have been told that my marathon running is inspirational, but if that's the case then I want to be the reason that someone tries running, or that they come back to it after an absence, or that they tackle a new goal for themselves. I want to see someone get up and outside and be fearless because they were inspired by me. It makes the painful miles worth it to help out another person.

I really really really hope that this happened. I hope that someone saw me being consistent in running this year, even with no races and through a pandemic, that they maybe got a little more motivated to get out there. 

I want to run 2020 miles this year.

I was on pace to run over 2100 miles. I was at 1666 miles when I tripped and my running for the year abruptly stopped. However, if you count my walking miles that I started tracking in March, I was well over this goal. Also, if you counted the 12 month period of October 1 to September 30, I was well over this goal. I'll take all I can get! I don't expect 2021 miles in 2021 since I'm still not running yet.

 

I want to run in new places. The best part about me seeking out destination marathons is that I get to run in new places. 

I was able to run in Atlanta in March and I'm so grateful for that experience! Chicago got cancelled, sadly, so I am waiting until 2022 for that. 2021 will probably only see me racing in Biloxi again. We will see how traveling goes this year, but I will definitely explore and run in any city I'm able to visit, racing or not.

 

I want to let go of toxic things. Whether it's people, or situations, or habits.....I want them all to go away. I worked on this a lot in 2019 and was successful, but there's still a ways to go before I'm satisfied. I have tightened my circle, have let go of negative situations, and am seeking out positive encounters as much as I can. I have a lot of stress in my life that is not within my control, so when I can control something, I'm doing a better job of ACTUALLY CONTROLLING IT. 

I was so much better about this in 2020! We were constantly inundated with negativity, whether it was Covid or the election or the riots...so many negative things. In June I deactivated my Facebook account and focused only on Instagram and Strava. I felt much more in control of the content I fed my brain. I also didn't hesitate to let go of people and situations that were hurtful. I actually had a "friend" post on their Facebook that they wanted to be unfriended by anyone that voted for Trump. This was a person who I absolutely considered a friend, but when it was clear that this person looked at someone like me as a pariah of society, as racist and homophobic and hateful and basically disgusting, well then that's not much of a friend, is it? There was no effort for discussion and understanding of the issues. Let it be known that I vehemently disagree with this person's assessment of the values of those of us who support the President and their characterization of the issues we find important. Their version of President Trump and his accomplishments looks nothing like our version, and when intelligent discussion is shut down so forcefully with an unwillingness to look at things with clear eyes, and instead choose to throw out disgusting terms, then there is no middle ground. This person was extremely clear that they wanted zero friends on the other side, that we were worthless to them. So I did what was asked and unfriended and blocked and all those things. I will have no more interactions with anyone who feels this way. I would never treat someone like that. Ever. I care about how someone votes, sure, but I care about the person and the friendship more and I find differing opinions and experiences enriching. I will also never back down from being a conservative and wanting to uphold constitutional policies. I have no need to apologize.

I want to be strong for my kids.

Well, my kids definitely saw their mom at her absolute bottom. My son wasn't home when I was injured nor when I had surgery and didn't see the few days post-op that were absolutely atrocious. I was at rock bottom and it was miserable. But he's seen me fight my way back, as has my daughter. I hope it makes its mark on them. 

I want to be the best wife I can be. I've been married for 21 years, and marriage is freaking HARD sometimes. But I'm fully committed to seeing this thing through for the rest of my life. That means putting my husband first, and putting our relationship in the forefront of all our decisions. 

I'm not there yet. I think I was doing alright until I got hurt. It's hard to be everything to someone else when you're hurting so much yourself, but every day I'm trying to find a new way to be better, to do more, to BE more. I am 100% committed for life and I hope he always sees that, even when I'm at the bottom. 

So now that 2020 is behind us and we are embarking on a new and uncertain year, I am reflecting again on what I hope to accomplish, on what I hope my "victories" will be. I think I'll keep it pretty simple.

I want to start running again and build up my base.

I don't have the green light yet, but as soon as I do I'll be out there getting back into it. It will be slow and short at first, with a lot of walking involved. I have to be so careful about my shoulder. I don't want to do anything to compromise the healing. Rotator cuff repair has a notoriously high failure rate and I refuse to fall into that camp. But I miss running. My patience will have to be impeccable as I get back into running shape.

I want to let go of any thoughts of speed.

By this, I mean to let go of any thoughts of being just like I was pre-injury. 2021 is not the year to chase personal bests. It's merely the year to become consistent and strong with running again. Thinking of my pace in terms of being speedy is not a goal of mine. I have a marathon in December that I deferred from last year and that will hopefully serve as my endurance comeback. I need to let go of time goals (to a point). 2022 will be the year for speed to return. If I don't approach this year in a smart way, I'll never get back the way I want to. Time and time again, people bite off more than they can chew when they come back from injury and they suffer for it. It makes zero difference what pace I run when I return. It only matters that I come back slowly and SMART.

Focus on what is in my control.

There are many things that I can't control in the world....viruses, politics, people. I can choose to be upset and miserable and angry and lash out over things I don't like or outcomes that are disappointing, but it doesn't serve me or my family. There are many things that infuriate me, sure, but I still refuse to be a miserable cow. My word for 2021 is "control" and it seems very appropriate. Let's lump in "listen to my doctors" with this goal, since my recovery is within my control as long as I follow the plan.

Be consistent in the lessons I teach my kids.

Strength, resilience, consistently, focus, priorities, family, security....I try to exemplify traits like these every day for me kids. I often think it's not sinking in, but perhaps in time they will see it and realize it and put it all into practice in their own lives. 

Don't apologize for my beliefs.

I am who I am, I know what I think, I know how I feel, I am informed and bright and full of compassion and grace. I am not what a lot of people would have me think. I will not apologize for what I hold dear, for what values I have, for how I feel the world should be. I will hold firm in this.

It really should be an interesting year indeed.