Control

As I was finishing up my last blog post, another topic formed in my mind that I feel the need to write out and work through. In case you haven't noticed, my mind works in overdrive sometimes and having this blog is a great way to dissect these thoughts.

I talked a bit about how important it is for me to focus on the things I can control in my life. I have so many things that are total crapshoots for me on a daily basis that without something concrete to focus on, I'd literally lose my mind.

For starters, my kids. Oh, my darling kids. Mind you, I love them with all of my being. I think they have incredible minds, incredible talents, and with a bit of direction, are really going places in this world. But parenting them is far more difficult than I ever envisioned. They are smart as can be, so I thought school would be a breeze for them.

Nope.

They have a ton of talent...my son is a computer whiz and my daughter is fully immersed in the arts - she can sing like nobody's business and her artistic talent is being fine tuned on a daily basis. So of course, they'd be super focused on success because of this, right?

Nope.

It's frustrating. That's putting it mildly. Actually, it absolutely kills me. It stresses me out like nothing else in my life that they always manage to find a way to get distracted, to not care, to perform less than they know they're capable of. I have absolutely no control over this, and I refuse to be a helicopter parent no matter how much the school pushes me to micro-manage them. I've spent years trying to find a balance between guiding them, hovering over them, harping on them, and talking about it until I'm blue in the face, while forcing them to take control of it themselves, to be responsible, and to allow them to fail and learn a lesson. I can't do the work for them, I can't force them to care, I can merely guide them and support them. Basically, it's totally out of my control and my mind wrestles with this on a daily basis.

So that's my kids for you. I don't have control over what they choose to care about or on what they focus their attention, but I have control over accepting them for who they are and supporting all their successes and their failures.

My kids are only a part of the uncertainty that surrounds me on a daily basis. There are so many things that I struggle with personally, and find difficulty in controlling. I have come to accept many of these variables, however, but it was a long process.

First, mental health. For a very long time I was unaware that I suffered from depression and anxiety and that it was an actual disorder that I would be struggling with for the rest of my life. I always viewed my "bouts" with depression and anxiety as just that....temporary bouts. It wasn't until a few years ago, that, after discussing it at length with my doctor, I was found to be clinically depressed and suffering from a legitimate anxiety disorder. Temporary fixes wouldn't make it go away. I would always have to be proactive about treatment and I could not be complacent. I'm so thankful for the counselor that I found who worked with me in those early days to come to terms with this problem and find ways to reset my mind. I'm thankful for my doctor for taking me seriously and then opening my eyes to reality, and spending time reworking my medication so I finally found one that my body could tolerate long term.

Anyone who suffers from mental health disorders understands just how significant all these steps are. I have accepted that this who I am, I have a husband who supports me daily and understands when it's just "not my day...or my week" and doesn't make me feel guilty about it, and I continue to find ways to battle through the dark times without giving in to that darkness.

I do not have control over my diagnoses, but I have control over how I let it run my life.

Next, the negativity in the world. I gotta be honest here. I think the way people have treated each other in the last couple years...publicly...is just insane. It's disgusting and unnecessary and it shows a complete lack of character. The name calling, the lack of common sense, the lack of decency, the inability to really think about what they're saying and doing. It blows my mind. I can't control what other people think or do or say, but I certainly don't have to join them in their immaturity and irrational behavior. It's forced me to remove people from my life (trust me, I only did this after a lot of soul searching), and to avoid some people, and to keep my mouth shut about many things. I want to be known for my compassion and grace, not for being a raging bitch when I don't agree with someone. So I've quieted my mind and my mouth. It's truly a freeing experience.

Lastly, let's talk about physical health. I am a healthy person...mostly. However, what isn't so obvious on the outside is that I do suffer from many physical ailments, and my family medical history is downright frightening. I have asthma, eosinophilic esophagitis and dysphagia, and scoliosis. My family has suffered with countless bouts of cancer, high blood pressure and cholesterol, and diabetes. I sometimes feel like I'm on borrowed time because I've not yet experienced anything truly life threatening. My disorders are incredibly frustrating at times, however. I had hoped in the last year to put myself as a priority and work on a better solution to my gastrointestinal issues, but because of my family's medical woes in the last year and the astronomical amount of money we were spending on that, I had to put myself on the backburner. I really need to get treatment again (surgery or meds? both? not sure). I finally said enough is enough and I scheduled doctor appointments with a new team of doctors after I was dissatisfied with my last one. That appointment is on Monday and I'm optimistic that I will see relief soon. It's been a long time coming and it was time to put myself first. With regards to my asthma, thankfully, with the weight loss and more focused marathon training last year, I feel like I've made big strides with improvement and better control of my asthma. I didn't have any real trouble with it. However, my allergies that lead to asthma issues need to be addressed in a more permanent manner. I finally scheduled the appointment I will need to begin allergy shots. It's a huge commitment but it was time I stopped putting it off. The scoliosis? Yeah, that's not exactly going away, and because of the imbalance it creates in my lower body, I have to be extra diligent with physical therapy exercises and weight lifting to keep my imbalance from causing running injuries.

My family medical history is probably one of the biggest motivators to me taking charge of my physical health. I can't control genetic predispositions to anything, but I can still do whatever I can to fight off other preventable diseases. I refuse to be limited by things that I am 100% in control over, and when I've seen things start to go sideways I always try to right the ship by putting more focus and effort into nutrition and exercise. To people on the outside, I seem obsessed. I really don't care. I know how devastating preventable illnesses can be and if it's something I can control, well, then that's what I'm going to do. I have a lot of plans for the present and the future and I don't want any limitations.

I guess the moral of the story is that when you're feeling completely overwhelmed by things outside your control, sometimes what can bring you back from the abyss is finding those things that you CAN control and putting more focus into those. It can be something small, or many small things, or something big. But there is always something that is within your control. Taking hold of that can help you reset your mind and bring a bright spot into what can many times be a very dark and dreary time.