This is the first time in over 7 weeks that I have felt comfortable using both hands to type, so I got the urge to actually write a blog post for the first time since August. You see, on October 18, on an easy 10 mile training run with my husband, I tripped on something and fell hard on my right shoulder and completely destroyed my rotator cuff. And when I say "completely destroyed," I mean DESTROYED to the point that I couldn't move my arm at all after I fell. I was immobilized on the ground, in severe pain, and terrified. My arm literally couldn't move. I didn't know what I did...break it?...but I knew it was bad. Very very bad. And I needed to get to the ER as soon as possible.
That was a supremely shitty day. An MRI a couple days later confirmed my doctor's suspicion. I had a complete rotator cuff tear. There are four sections to the rotator cuff and I had torn two completely and one partially. Only the front and a small part of the back was still attached. It was no wonder that I couldn't use my arm...nothing was attached to make it move. It was a useless appendage and I needed surgery right away.
I'm also right-handed. And I was in the middle of home improvement projects, with a bathroom partially painted and three other rooms and some of the outside of the house ready to be repainted as well.
Oh, and there was also that marathon I was deep in the middle of training for, only eight weeks away. Well, that wasn't happening anymore! When you tear your rotator cuff and get it surgically repaired, you don't run EVER AT ALL...for months.
Staring at my injured shoulder was depressing. I had pretty nice shoulders before this, I was strong, I never had a single shoulder issue in my life. Now I had a swollen, flabby arm that wouldn't work and wouldn't look the same for a really long time. The strong body that I had taken such good care of for years was now going to be suffering. Perhaps that's a vanity moment, I don't know, but it seriously bummed me out to think about.
I had surgery ten days after the injury, and it was only my second major surgery in my life. I thought I was prepared for how brutal it was going to be, after talking to a few friends who'd had rotator cuff repair (although none had as bad of a tear as me), but I was not prepared. It was awful and I want to forget it. The three days post-op, when I was completely dependent upon my husband to do anything, when I had a nerve block stuck in my neck, when my right arm was totally numb, when I couldn't shower, when the smallest movement caused major discomfort, when I was totally drugged up on hydrocodone just so I could sleep....that was a hideous three days.
I had to wear my sling for six weeks and couldn't start physical therapy until then (in talking to my friends, it seems like that's a very long time to have to wait for PT, but I have a shit ton of anchors holding my repair together and it needed to heal). Once I could do a few movements on my own at home two weeks post-op, I started feeling a little bit better, although it scared me at first to see how little movement I could endure. I couldn't even write without major discomfort and I had to do learn how to do everything with my left hand. I couldn't style my hair, so it hasn't exactly looked so great the last few weeks! I can't drive my own car since it's a standard, so I steal my poor husband's (nicer) car, but driving one armed is not easy. Every few days, however, I do notice a little more range of motion and it gives me hope. I can now do a few things, carefully, with my right arm and hand and it has given me a bit more freedom. Physical therapy started yesterday and I have a lot of exercises to do a few times per day. I'll be going to PT twice a week for now.
One of the worst parts of my accident is that it happened a month after my husband got laid off from Dell (big company-wide layoff). The timing couldn't have been worse. He had a lot of good things in the pipeline job-wise, but he still was unemployed and taking on thousands of dollars in medical costs was not exactly a good thing. I felt terrible for doing this to our family at the worst possible time. The silver lining was that while I recovered right after surgery, he was able to be a full-time nurse. The morning of the surgery, while we were literally in the parking lot about to walk in to the facility, he got a call with a job offer, and REALLY great job offer, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Twelve days after my surgery was his first day at work (from home, thankfully). He's incredibly busy so I have had to be pretty resourceful around the house using only one arm. He just doesn't have free time for anything right now, but there's a paycheck again, so it's all worth it.
Having to defer my marathon entry to next year and push off Chicago until 2022 (I won't be ready next October) was deflating. I was looking forward to getting back to Mississippi to run along the Gulf again, I was running very well and feeling good. However, I knew that even if I did get another BQ, I wouldn't be using it for Boston next year. The race will (maybe) be in September instead of April and I have no desire to run it in September. So that leaves my next likely Boston opportunity pushed out to 2023 and that's a long shot. It made me realize that in all likelihood, the soonest I can get back into BQ shape would be during the Boston 2024 qualification window (that's when Chicago 2022 would be)....and that means a new age group! I never thought it would take that long, but it just might! I have no idea when I will be allowed to run again, and I'm scared to try it. I'm fearful that I will think I'm going to trip again. I can't hurt myself again and still expect to be able to have full use of my arm. I simply can't. It may take a very long time to get back to where I was pre-injury.
In the meantime, I walk a lot. Almost every day. It's a point of sanity in my day that I desperately need. But I miss the early morning runs and how strong it made me feel. I'm very much out of shape now, feeling pretty down about my body. I have to find the patience to get through the next six months (and beyond). Turning 47 next month makes me feel like I time is not on my side.
Also, coronavirus can go to hell.
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