Keep Showing Up

Remember when I said back when I first injured myself and wouldn't be running for months that I would never take running for granted again?

I'm trying so hard to remind myself to never take running for granted again. 

It's just that it's hard and while I usually don't shy away from hard things, I'm feeling pretty sad about the days when it felt somewhat easy.

It's not even so much about my pace (which of course is slower than it used to be at the same effort), but about how I FEEL. My breathing sucks, I feel awkward, there's no "flow." I know the pace changes will happen naturally, and that they probably won't happen until I incorporate speed work, but I just want to remember what it feels like to finish a run invigorated rather than irritated that it didn't feel smooth. I don't have the runner's high I used to have. 

I will admit that in the 50 degree temps and lower humidity of this morning, I felt better than I had in awhile. I wish that included sub-10 minutes with my heart rate in the 120s, but alas, we can't have everything. But overall, considering I ran longer than I have since injury (8 miles!), I felt pretty good when I was done. I ran anywhere from 10:15 to 11:08 miles, so in my old "easy/recovery pace" zone, and my heartrate average was 133, which is better than it's usually been. I do have a few wins to claim from this run, so I'm trying to look at the positive. 

I RAN 8 MILES!! Not long ago it seemed like that distance was a pipe dream and I did it without much difficulty today. 

I think it's time to incorporate speed work once a week. That won't involve anything crazy, just a minute or two at a time at probably a moderate pace rather than anything faster than my old marathon pace. Who knows? I have no idea how speeding up is going to feel, both physically and mentally. I still have a lot of demons to slay with regards to fear while running. Since my injury occurred because I tripped on a tiny thing while running, I'm still pretty terrified of doing that again and pretty much permanently losing shoulder function if I fall on it again. Unreasonable fear, probably, but fear nonetheless. How is this going to translate to trying to run faster? Is it going to hinder me? Remains to be seen. 

My virtual 5K is next weekend but since I have done zero faster running, I have no expectations. I'll just cruise at an effort that is not super easy but not hard and the it will be what it will be. It doesn't matter what that translates to....I have to complete it based on where my fitness is at right now and what is smart in my recovery. Most of all, I have to be thankful that I can run at all. 

I have to destroy these demons in my head that is making it hard for me to love running. I miss my love of running and need it to come back. I need patience and to have faith.

Luckily my first of two marathons I'm registered for is still 35 weeks away, and the second is 40 weeks away. I have a TON of time to build up my endurance and to be comfortable with the distance. Time isn't important. Merely making my endurance comeback is what is important. 

I read a book called "My Name is Hope" by John Mark Comer and in this book, he describes endurance as follows:

Is there a more perfect definition? We can apply this to many different areas of life. I have this message board hung on a wall in an area of the house I walk past several times a day as a reminder of how to approach challenges. Getting back into shape is definitely one of those challenges.

Did I mention that a month ago I stopped drinking until my May vacation? What was I thinking?? That might be harder than the running drama. 

Spring Cleaning

The dark winter is almost over!

This winter was stupid dark so I'm particularly looking forward to a change of seasons. 

When I last wrote a blog post, back in January, I was a few weeks into physical therapy, not running yet, but trying to find some semblance of a routine to keep my sanity. I let go of my 2020 goals, many of which were derailed by my accident in October. I set some new goals that were realistic for 2021.

I am now 20 weeks post-surgery on my complete rotator cuff tear. Hard to believe it's been 20 weeks already. I have completed 23 physical therapy sessions and am in the strength phase of therapy. I have 7 sessions left to go and will continue to go once a week and stretch out the strength phase as long as I can with my therapist. I am only about halfway in my recovery, realistically, and even after 40 weeks will not have my strength back to normal. I started running 6 weeks ago and am no where near back to normal on that front. That will definitely take a long time to get back. My body and mind are simply not the same as they were on October 18, when I was nearing the peak of marathon training.

The hardest part of this journey I never wanted to be on is getting my mind right. I am struggling with coming to terms with my body. It was so strong before this and now I feel like the 47 year old I am and I absolutely hate that feeling. I feel sorry for myself too often. I am angry too often. I am impatient and frustrated. I feel weak both physically and mentally.

I know a lot of people who have had rotator cuff repair, but I don't know anyone who had damage as extensive as mine. It's tough to hear about how they were in physical therapy a week after surgery, when I had to wait 6 weeks, that they were fine after a few months, when I will be looking at feeling "fine" after a year. My recovery is not comparable to others so I have a hard time finding encouragement to follow. It's pretty isolating sometimes. My therapist tells me I'm doing great, and there are some sessions where I'm pleasantly surprised at my progress, but then there are days when I'm frustrated that putting a can on the shoulder-height shelf is a struggle. 

I am trying to remember how hard things were when I first started doing active exercises and how little my arm would move on its own to how I can reach quite far with it now, that I really have made tremendous progress. But then I remember I used to be able to do 100 pushups and I fear I'll never be able to be that strong again. People tell me I'm crazy, that it takes time, but my mind is just too impatient. 

I miss being a marathon runner. Sure, I can go out and run continuously now, versus the run/walk intervals I had to start with in February. But I just now barely hit 6 miles and it was hard. My pace is incredibly slow and my heartrate and effort are nowhere near as low as they used to be at that pace. I have not tried any type of speed, but am thinking of incorporating short speed intervals in 2-3 weeks. I know in my head exactly what I need to do and what the progress should look like, but I hate how hard this is. I absolutely hate it. 

I know my attitude is being affected by other things around me, things that are out of my control, and I can't help but think it's penetrating my brain in negative ways. My youngest child continues to test me daily and I've exhausted my ability to help turn the tide. It's my kid's journey to complete. The tools are there, the support is there, but I can't make anyone do what they should do. Personal responsibility and hard work are they only thing that will help at this point. It's pretty maddening for a parent. And as helpful as some try to be, they do not understand the magnitude of this journey. It's the one that Greg and I are on, and only Greg and I. We are the only two that understand it. We've been living it for so many years now. It's not helping my own fortitude, that's for sure. The atmosphere in our country also continues to be painful to witness, when so much of it is avoidable and stupid. People unnecessarily turning against one another is completely wrong on so many levels, and it never needed to be this way. Add to that the countless lives that have been destroyed in this last year....and it's a recipe for depression, to put it bluntly. 

Of all the things to do to myself, it had to be this injury and surgery? Just stupid!!

BUT.....I am still in charge of my destiny. So while I will feel sorry for myself, I will be pissed at what my body feels like right now, I will be pissed off at others for their lack of grace and intelligence, I am still in charge of the trajectory of my life. 

So what does that look like?

I am RUNNING. It's not much, but I am running. I can now run 3 days in a row and will be doing that this week. I can continue to up my distance slowly. I focus on my effort, my form, my hydration, my breathing in the hopes of finally having a breakthrough. My breathing sucks, my effort is sometimes too high, and I feel like I'm in someone else's body, but as a former coach I know that consistency will produce results eventually. I KEEP SHOWING UP.

I signed up for another marathon yesterday on a total whim. I'm already registered for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon on December 12, and now I'm also registered for The Louisiana Marathon on January 16. It's called the Beach to Bayou Challenge and I did it in 2017/2018 (when I qualified for Boston). I have no plans to be that fast yet, but I think having this big of a challenge will keep me motivated to be consistent. Plus I love those races. Then in October of 2022 I want to run Chicago (I deferred 2020), and THAT is when I will try to be fast. 

Next month I'm running the virtual BAA 5K because who doesn't want a Boston shirt and medal? It will be a slow 5K compared to the past but fun nonetheless. I like Boston and I like medals!

I am also traveling for the first time in over a year! My husband and I are going to Florida for our anniversary in May for a long weekend on a beach. I need the time away, to reset and recharge and just enjoy time with only my husband. I had hoped to travel internationally this summer, but with restrictions still so changeable and the need for a negative Covid test to return to the United States has me very wary to leave the country just yet. I'm not afraid of traveling or being around people, but I don't like the thought of being restricted from reentry! So we will wait a bit longer on that. Thankfully, Florida is less restrictive than a lot of states and has beautiful beaches so it's a very nice compromise for now. 

I am ready for the tide to turn on life. I think we ALL are. It's been a ridiculous year of heartache for many. 

Goals? What Goals?

When 2020 started, I had SUCH A PLAN! I was going to be killing it in 2020. I bet a whole lot of us planned on killing it. Instead, we got a killer virus and all hell broke loose throughout the planet.

Good times.

Last January, I wrote a blog post titled Personal Victories. In it I outlined the "victories" I hoped to accomplish in the coming year, using that term versus Personal Best as I felt it better reflected my mindset. Let's do a little check in on how that went:

I want to be injury-free.

Well crap, that didn't go so well. However, let it be known that although I sustained my injury while running, it's not a "running" injury so to speak. It's not a stress fracture or overuse injury. I tripped like a dumbass. 

I want to be joyous and thankful in every run. Even the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, I am so lucky I can step outside and run whenever I want, that my body is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy the outdoors in a unique way. That kind of gratitude goes a long way in keeping me motivated to run and train. I've always said that I refuse to slow down as I age, and I'm sticking to that. I know that eventually my race times will stop dropping, and it's probably sooner rather than later since I'm turning 46 next week, but I will ALWAYS keep moving. I'm so lucky to be healthy and I want to keep it that way.

I think that up until October 18, I was pretty good at this. I had some GREAT runs in 2020 and was well on my way to a great marathon in December. I was thankful and grateful to be healthy. And now, as I recover from rotator cuff surgery, I am thankful for ANY movement I get to do. When I embark on that first run back I am going to be all smiles. 

I want to inspire someone. I have been told that my marathon running is inspirational, but if that's the case then I want to be the reason that someone tries running, or that they come back to it after an absence, or that they tackle a new goal for themselves. I want to see someone get up and outside and be fearless because they were inspired by me. It makes the painful miles worth it to help out another person.

I really really really hope that this happened. I hope that someone saw me being consistent in running this year, even with no races and through a pandemic, that they maybe got a little more motivated to get out there. 

I want to run 2020 miles this year.

I was on pace to run over 2100 miles. I was at 1666 miles when I tripped and my running for the year abruptly stopped. However, if you count my walking miles that I started tracking in March, I was well over this goal. Also, if you counted the 12 month period of October 1 to September 30, I was well over this goal. I'll take all I can get! I don't expect 2021 miles in 2021 since I'm still not running yet.

 

I want to run in new places. The best part about me seeking out destination marathons is that I get to run in new places. 

I was able to run in Atlanta in March and I'm so grateful for that experience! Chicago got cancelled, sadly, so I am waiting until 2022 for that. 2021 will probably only see me racing in Biloxi again. We will see how traveling goes this year, but I will definitely explore and run in any city I'm able to visit, racing or not.

 

I want to let go of toxic things. Whether it's people, or situations, or habits.....I want them all to go away. I worked on this a lot in 2019 and was successful, but there's still a ways to go before I'm satisfied. I have tightened my circle, have let go of negative situations, and am seeking out positive encounters as much as I can. I have a lot of stress in my life that is not within my control, so when I can control something, I'm doing a better job of ACTUALLY CONTROLLING IT. 

I was so much better about this in 2020! We were constantly inundated with negativity, whether it was Covid or the election or the riots...so many negative things. In June I deactivated my Facebook account and focused only on Instagram and Strava. I felt much more in control of the content I fed my brain. I also didn't hesitate to let go of people and situations that were hurtful. I actually had a "friend" post on their Facebook that they wanted to be unfriended by anyone that voted for Trump. This was a person who I absolutely considered a friend, but when it was clear that this person looked at someone like me as a pariah of society, as racist and homophobic and hateful and basically disgusting, well then that's not much of a friend, is it? There was no effort for discussion and understanding of the issues. Let it be known that I vehemently disagree with this person's assessment of the values of those of us who support the President and their characterization of the issues we find important. Their version of President Trump and his accomplishments looks nothing like our version, and when intelligent discussion is shut down so forcefully with an unwillingness to look at things with clear eyes, and instead choose to throw out disgusting terms, then there is no middle ground. This person was extremely clear that they wanted zero friends on the other side, that we were worthless to them. So I did what was asked and unfriended and blocked and all those things. I will have no more interactions with anyone who feels this way. I would never treat someone like that. Ever. I care about how someone votes, sure, but I care about the person and the friendship more and I find differing opinions and experiences enriching. I will also never back down from being a conservative and wanting to uphold constitutional policies. I have no need to apologize.

I want to be strong for my kids.

Well, my kids definitely saw their mom at her absolute bottom. My son wasn't home when I was injured nor when I had surgery and didn't see the few days post-op that were absolutely atrocious. I was at rock bottom and it was miserable. But he's seen me fight my way back, as has my daughter. I hope it makes its mark on them. 

I want to be the best wife I can be. I've been married for 21 years, and marriage is freaking HARD sometimes. But I'm fully committed to seeing this thing through for the rest of my life. That means putting my husband first, and putting our relationship in the forefront of all our decisions. 

I'm not there yet. I think I was doing alright until I got hurt. It's hard to be everything to someone else when you're hurting so much yourself, but every day I'm trying to find a new way to be better, to do more, to BE more. I am 100% committed for life and I hope he always sees that, even when I'm at the bottom. 

So now that 2020 is behind us and we are embarking on a new and uncertain year, I am reflecting again on what I hope to accomplish, on what I hope my "victories" will be. I think I'll keep it pretty simple.

I want to start running again and build up my base.

I don't have the green light yet, but as soon as I do I'll be out there getting back into it. It will be slow and short at first, with a lot of walking involved. I have to be so careful about my shoulder. I don't want to do anything to compromise the healing. Rotator cuff repair has a notoriously high failure rate and I refuse to fall into that camp. But I miss running. My patience will have to be impeccable as I get back into running shape.

I want to let go of any thoughts of speed.

By this, I mean to let go of any thoughts of being just like I was pre-injury. 2021 is not the year to chase personal bests. It's merely the year to become consistent and strong with running again. Thinking of my pace in terms of being speedy is not a goal of mine. I have a marathon in December that I deferred from last year and that will hopefully serve as my endurance comeback. I need to let go of time goals (to a point). 2022 will be the year for speed to return. If I don't approach this year in a smart way, I'll never get back the way I want to. Time and time again, people bite off more than they can chew when they come back from injury and they suffer for it. It makes zero difference what pace I run when I return. It only matters that I come back slowly and SMART.

Focus on what is in my control.

There are many things that I can't control in the world....viruses, politics, people. I can choose to be upset and miserable and angry and lash out over things I don't like or outcomes that are disappointing, but it doesn't serve me or my family. There are many things that infuriate me, sure, but I still refuse to be a miserable cow. My word for 2021 is "control" and it seems very appropriate. Let's lump in "listen to my doctors" with this goal, since my recovery is within my control as long as I follow the plan.

Be consistent in the lessons I teach my kids.

Strength, resilience, consistently, focus, priorities, family, security....I try to exemplify traits like these every day for me kids. I often think it's not sinking in, but perhaps in time they will see it and realize it and put it all into practice in their own lives. 

Don't apologize for my beliefs.

I am who I am, I know what I think, I know how I feel, I am informed and bright and full of compassion and grace. I am not what a lot of people would have me think. I will not apologize for what I hold dear, for what values I have, for how I feel the world should be. I will hold firm in this.

It really should be an interesting year indeed.

Control

What better word to use for 2021 than "Control?" After all, everything was pretty much out of control in 2020, right?

If there was ever a year that tested my patience, it was 2020. 

As the year progressed, it just got worse and worse.

Cancelled travel, cancelled school, cancelled races, cancelled family gatherings, cancelled friend gatherings, CANCELLED, CANCELLED, CANCELLED. 

Plus the hovering uncertainty and fear surrounding a virus that we all knew wasn't really going to go away.

Then as the year progressed and the goal posts constantly shifted around every aspect of life, let's throw in job loss and major surgery and rehabilitation. And a kid who was struggling daily with school. And missing my other kid.

Lessons in patience, indeed.

So as I enter 2021 and reflect upon the mishaps of 2020 and where I stand today, I find myself focusing on the word CONTROL. After all, despite the uncertainty and curveballs, there is always something in our lives that we can control. If we forget about that, then we are really going to free fall into the abyss, right?

Having an accident, seriously injuring myself, requiring major surgery, and undergoing months of rehabilitation in order to get back to normal function was completely out of my control (well, unless I had been paying better attention on that run and hasn't tripped). I have no choice but to do what I'm told by my doctors and physical therapists or risk permanent injury and decreased function. But rather than think of it that way, I'm going to turn it around and view it as WITHIN MY CONTROL.

I am in charge of my recovery. I am in charge of choosing to get up everyday and find something new I can do again, to find creative solutions to movement that are within the confines of my recovery, to find a way to keep my nutrition on track, and to find a way to calm my mind. I am in charge of what I consume mentally...the internet, books, movies, whatever that may encompass. I am in charge of who I spend time with (no matter what the government wants to impose), of whom is given space in my head, on whom I focus my energy. 

I may not be able to run or seriously strength train or finish some house projects in a timely manner, but I am completely in charge of sticking to my routine so I can get there when I am supposed to, maybe even sooner. Or I can choose to half-ass my rehab and have it take substantially longer and perhaps even limit my recovery and never be as strong as I was before. I can choose to focus on my current weaknesses and the changes in my body that I find horrible, or I can choose to think of each new movement, of each new exercise as my path to the body I had before October 18. 

This last one is the absolute hardest, admittedly. I hate the way I look right now, even though to the casual observer I don't really look much different. But I see myself daily, I see the subtle changes, the weaknesses, the negative results of the accident and surgery. I'm struggling with this so much right now and it brings me to tears some days. I am not used to being weak and I'm not used to FEELING so weak.

So what am I doing everyday to combat my fears, to combat the negative, to improve my strength and movement, and to get closer to the day I can say that I AM BACK?

First, I religiously do my physical therapy exercises. No shortcuts, no skipped sessions, no laziness. Every morning and every night, with a timer set so I don't get lazy and stop early, I do each and every exercise set forth by my physical therapists. I push myself a little further each day, even when it hurts. I mentally catalogue the change in my range of motion so I know I am making progress daily. Every centimeter added to the range of motion is a victory. Every single centimeter. Some days I'm stiff, but I don't see that as a setback. I set my timer and keep working.

I find exercises I can do that don't harm my shoulder. I can do corework and lower body strength training, so I do that as often as possible, pushing myself a little more, adding more reps or sets each week. I am trying to get creative on what corework I can do without using my shoulder and am slowing clawing my way back to good core strength. 

I can't run yet but I can walk as much as I want, so that's what I do. This past week, I added hill repeats and faster walking paces to the mix. My heartrate still doesn't get very high, but by adding incline I feel like I'm working harder. Luckily our weather is usually good enough to get outdoors daily and for that I'm grateful. I don't have a gym membership anymore nor do we have a treadmill, so I have to get outside.  I am walking about 25 miles per week and will push myself a bit more until I get clearance to start running again. I don't know when that will be....my doctor's protocol is very conservative but I'm progressing faster than the protocol, so the greenlight might be shifting in my favor. I see my doctor in 3 weeks and I hope to dazzle him with my progress. 

Once I get the green light to run, I have to remember that the road to my comeback is slow and long. Everytime you come back from injury, the last thing you want to do is rush the comeback. Time and time again, people will just jump right in and re-injure themselves rather than taking it bit by bit, day by day. I was running 50+ mile weeks before injury. My first run back will likely be a run/walk of two miles, possibly more walking than running. My "long" run? Probably a whopping four miles, with only a mile or so added each week. I won't go from zero running miles to thirty a week right away, that's for sure. I am completely in charge of being smart about comeback. Low and slow miles will get me way further than impatience. 

Every time I discover a new thing that I can do again....put a shirt on the normal way, tie my shoes without having to bend down quite so much, hold something just a tad heavier with my right arm, use the shifter in the car with my right arm instead of my left, put on my eyeliner with my right hand...I celebrate it. It makes me smile, it gets me excited for the next new thing I can do again. These things may seem insignificant, but when you haven't been able to do basic tasks for 10 weeks, every little victory is a HUGE victory. It brings you THAT MUCH CLOSER to full independence again. My next goal is to be able to put my hair in a ponytail. I'm so close. 

Being in control of my mental state is just as important as controlling the progress of my physical state. I have chosen with what to feed my brain this year and I'm going to continue to do so into 2021. Still no Facebook account, still being more intentional with my Instagram account, enjoying seeing people's healthy lifestyles on Strava...it's easy to consume toxicity and negativity and you have to actively reject it. I still don't see myself as coming back to Facebook anytime soon. I am reading a lot of books, both fiction and nonfiction and learning as much as I can about topics important to me. I am giving little attention to anything (or anyone) that doesn't serve my peace and happiness. 

So 2021 is about CONTROL. Controlling not only my physical progress, but controlling my mental state, viewing small victories as big victories, choosing to see baby steps as big steps. 

It's been awhile

 This is the first time in over 7 weeks that I have felt comfortable using both hands to type, so I got the urge to actually write a blog post for the first time since August. You see, on October 18, on an easy 10 mile training run with my husband, I tripped on something and fell hard on my right shoulder and completely destroyed my rotator cuff. And when I say "completely destroyed," I mean DESTROYED to the point that I couldn't move my arm at all after I fell. I was immobilized on the ground, in severe pain, and terrified. My arm literally couldn't move. I didn't know what I did...break it?...but I knew it was bad. Very very bad. And I needed to get to the ER as soon as possible.

That was a supremely shitty day. An MRI a couple days later confirmed my doctor's suspicion. I had a complete rotator cuff tear. There are four sections to the rotator cuff and I had torn two completely and one partially. Only the front and a small part of the back was still attached. It was no wonder that I couldn't use my arm...nothing was attached to make it move. It was a useless appendage and I needed surgery right away.

I'm also right-handed. And I was in the middle of home improvement projects, with a bathroom partially painted and three other rooms and some of the outside of the house ready to be repainted as well. 

Oh, and there was also that marathon I was deep in the middle of training for, only eight weeks away. Well, that wasn't happening anymore! When you tear your rotator cuff and get it surgically repaired, you don't run EVER AT ALL...for months.

Staring at my injured shoulder was depressing. I had pretty nice shoulders before this, I was strong, I never had a single shoulder issue in my life. Now I had a swollen, flabby arm that wouldn't work and wouldn't look the same for a really long time. The strong body that I had taken such good care of for years was now going to be suffering. Perhaps that's a vanity moment, I don't know, but it seriously bummed me out to think about.

I had surgery ten days after the injury, and it was only my second major surgery in my life. I thought I was prepared for how brutal it was going to be, after talking to a few friends who'd had rotator cuff repair (although none had as bad of a tear as me), but I was not prepared. It was awful and I want to forget it. The three days post-op, when I was completely dependent upon my husband to do anything, when I had a nerve block stuck in my neck, when my right arm was totally numb, when I couldn't shower, when the smallest movement caused major discomfort, when I was totally drugged up on hydrocodone just so I could sleep....that was a hideous three days.

I had to wear my sling for six weeks and couldn't start physical therapy until then (in talking to my friends, it seems like that's a very long time to have to wait for PT, but I have a shit ton of anchors holding my repair together and it needed to heal). Once I could do a few movements on my own at home two weeks post-op, I started feeling a little bit better, although it scared me at first to see how little movement I could endure. I couldn't even write without major discomfort and I had to do learn how to do everything with my left hand. I couldn't style my hair, so it hasn't exactly looked so great the last few weeks! I can't drive my own car since it's a standard, so I steal my poor husband's (nicer) car, but driving one armed is not easy. Every few days, however, I do notice a little more range of motion and it gives me hope. I can now do a few things, carefully, with my right arm and hand and it has given me a bit more freedom. Physical therapy started yesterday and I have a lot of exercises to do a few times per day. I'll be going to PT twice a week for now. 

One of the worst parts of my accident is that it happened a month after my husband got laid off from Dell (big company-wide layoff). The timing couldn't have been worse. He had a lot of good things in the pipeline job-wise, but he still was unemployed and taking on thousands of dollars in medical costs was not exactly a good thing. I felt terrible for doing this to our family at the worst possible time. The silver lining was that while I recovered right after surgery, he was able to be a full-time nurse. The morning of the surgery, while we were literally in the parking lot about to walk in to the facility, he got a call with a job offer, and REALLY great job offer, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Twelve days after my surgery was his first day at work (from home, thankfully). He's incredibly busy so I have had to be pretty resourceful around the house using only one arm. He just doesn't have free time for anything right now, but there's a paycheck again, so it's all worth it.

Having to defer my marathon entry to next year and push off Chicago until 2022 (I won't be ready next October) was deflating. I was looking forward to getting back to Mississippi to run along the Gulf again, I was running very well and feeling good. However, I knew that even if I did get another BQ, I wouldn't be using it for Boston next year. The race will (maybe) be in September instead of April and I have no desire to run it in September. So that leaves my next likely Boston opportunity pushed out to 2023 and that's a long shot. It made me realize that in all likelihood, the soonest I can get back into BQ shape would be during the Boston 2024 qualification window (that's when Chicago 2022 would be)....and that means a new age group! I never thought it would take that long, but it just might! I have no idea when I will be allowed to run again, and I'm scared to try it. I'm fearful that I will think I'm going to trip again. I can't hurt myself again and still expect to be able to have full use of my arm. I simply can't. It may take a very long time to get back to where I was pre-injury. 

In the meantime, I walk a lot. Almost every day. It's a point of sanity in my day that I desperately need. But I miss the early morning runs and how strong it made me feel. I'm very much out of shape now, feeling pretty down about my body. I have to find the patience to get through the next six months (and beyond). Turning 47 next month makes me feel like I time is not on my side. 

Also, coronavirus can go to hell.

Uncertain Plans

 As we get further into August, I am becoming increasingly aware of my flagging motivation to properly train for my next race. It's hard to believe there is still so much uncertainty. Next week is technically the start of my 18-week training cycle for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon, which is scheduled to take place on December 13.

Today I received my "In Training" t-shirt for registering within the first week, and I really like it! But it's also a little bittersweet as I look at it. Marathon training is hard, and I was already 5 weeks into training for Chicago before the plug was pulled on that race. I have still been running and am actually maintaining a solid 40+ mile/week average. 

But dammit, it's hard. Summer in Texas means even before sunrise, temps are ALWAYS in the 70s or low 80s. Every single day. Dew points hover over 70 and are sometimes 75+. Day in and day out, even with slowing my pace considerably, it gets tough. The motivation declines. The desire just isn't there some days.

It was so different 3 years ago when I started training for my first BQ. I was so determined and there was no real fear of the race not happening. Life was so much easier back then! Last year I trained to BQ again and didn't have much trouble with motivation. But this year? Just ugh.

Today, my husband was going to sign up to run the half marathon while I ran the full, but he noticed a little caveat in the registration terms that I honestly do not remember seeing, or I scanned over it very quickly and it didn't stand out to me.

Runners bring their own pre-race and during-race hydration/nutrition

Oh, boy.

I always carry a handheld 18 ounce water bottle when I race long distances. I refill at the water stops. I can get through a half marathon, in cooler weather, with just that 18 ounces if necessary. But a full marathon requires way more hydration than that. So am I supposed to run with a camelback? I never do that and the thought of starting a race with 50+ ounces of water in a camelback sloshing around? That doesn't seem too appealing. Or a vest with spots for a couple water bottles? Would that even be enough hydration for 3 hours, 45 minutes of running? Or do I have Greg be my water stop and switch water bottles out at certain spots on the course? 

So Greg didn't register, just in case I need him. Using a spectator as my hydration sherpa is something I obviously don't do since it's not technically allowed under USATF rules, and since I am gunning for a BQ, I'm very cognizant of racing 100% within the rules. But in a race with no on-course hydration support? That provides a bit of a conundrum. In a situation like this, however, it may be reasonable to assume that assistance may actually be allowed.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is thinking about this.

So, in the meantime, I will start my specified training (with a very easy and lower mileage week next week before the intensity and volume kicks up). I will try to silence the doubt inside my head. It's easier said than done right now. I knew when I registered that the race may not occur, and that was the risk I was willing to take. I can defer my entry if need be, and besides, it's not an expensive race anyway. What I'm really worried about is not developing the focus and fortitude I need to hone in on my time goal. Getting a Boston Qualifying time is at the upper end of my ability, so it's not something that will just come to me without much effort. I need to be ready for my A game on race day. Without the mental strength developed over the course of the training cycle, it become difficult to tune into that mindset. I've done it before and I know I can do it again if I can shake off all the extraneous BS. 

Times are still so damn uncertain. On top of race uncertainty, there have been a lot of other stressors impacting my daily life. I haven't talked too much about them like I have in the past, but the stress is there and front and center and ever-present in my daily life. It wears on you. I'm honestly just not doing well with it. 

Did I mention my son moves out in 13 days? And I paid my first college tuition and college apartment rent for him this week? That was definitely eye-opening and painful!

2020, you are such a pain in the ass.

 

 

20 things I've learned so far in 2020

It's a year like no other. And the lessons that I've learned are countless. Some things I already knew, to a degree, but I guess I could say that this year has further cemented my values.

1. Grace is a powerful virtue. There is very little of it in the world, so it's extra important that we find within ourselves the ability to show grace to both ourselves and to others. It's easier to judge, but grace allows for much better growth and compassion.

2. Freedom can never be taken for granted, not even a little. I have never really taken it for granted as I have always understood the great benefit and blessing of living in America. It's the greatest country in the world. I have never really thought we'd lose our freedom, but it really can be taken away so easily, and it is subtle, and underhanded, "for the greater good," and before we know it, we are no longer America. Don't let that happen.

3. Only keep people around you who deserve your attention. Do they improve your life? If not, and if they don't value you, let them go. You'll be richer for it.

4. We can not grow if we do not allow for differing opinions or perspectives on vital issues. It doesn't mean we have to agree, but it does mean we have to allow for freedom of thought and speech and expression. Tolerance means just that. You allow for all to have a voice. You might learn something new. Or it might cause you to recommit to your convictions, even stronger than before. I have spent the last few months becoming even stronger and bolder in my values, and that's not because I tuned out opposing views.

5. Judgment is toxic. I actually already knew this, but I have never seen it to this degree.

6. Dogs are the greatest creatures on the planet.

7. Most people do not want to hear your opinion. They want to hear THEIR opinion coming out of YOUR mouth. Don't give in to the mob. Opinion discrimination is a thing and I hate it and too many people think it's just fine.

8. Don't compromise your values just to keep the peace. If you piss someone off, but you know what you are saying has value, don't sweat it. They'll live.

9. Loneliness is devastating. We were meant to be social. I'm an introvert, but even I can't handle this isolation for long.

10. Uncertainty wreaks havoc on mental health. I think the uncertainty of our future is the single worst thing to happen to our collective mental health. I know it's the one thing that causes me the most anxiety.

11. I value hugs far more than I ever realized.

12. I am stronger than I ever realized. And I've been through a whole lot of nasty stuff in my life.

13. Bad habits can take root when you aren't paying enough attention. Pay better attention and squelch that shit before it gets too bad.

14. I truly believe that there are far fewer bad things in society than people would have you believe. We are better than the narrative that is being fed to us. Don't follow blindly. Do your own research and form your own informed opinions. You might be surprised at what you learn.

15. I have a lot more gray hair than I ever realized, now that it's been four months since my last hair appointment.

16. We are clearly too far removed from the Cold War to remember the devastation of communism. If you think for even a second that a communist government is good, you may want to dig deeper into your memories. Or talk to someone who escaped from it.

17. I used to think a big house was a burden. It's not a burden during a pandemic. It's how my family is still alive.

18. We actually have far more control over things than we realize. I deactivated my Facebook account so I could better control the toxic information that was flooding my brain. What a relief. Facebook is truly awful right now.

19. I can't be put in a box. I sort of already knew this, but now I REALLY know this.

20. I have strong opinions, strong values, and live by them. I will also die by them. As much as someone wants to shout me down or make me doubt what I believe, I instead choose to die on this hill.

What have you learned?