Unfortunate Health Update

It was only two weeks ago I wrote my last blog post about finding hope in affliction through my faith, and that I was on the mend from a lumbar disc herniation.

A lot can change in two weeks.

My last run was Thursday, April 4 and will likely be my last run of 2024. 

I have somehow reinjured my spine. My L4/L5 disc herniation reared its ugly head again on Friday morning and the second time around has been even more painful than the original injury last fall. I spent five days in excruciating pain as the disc compressed my nerve down my entire left leg. I was at a pain level of 8-9 with very little relief. Drugged myself up as much as I could, but until the inflammation goes down, real relief is futile. Every morning, after a fitful night of sleep, I would hope that I would have a little less pain and a little more mobility…to no avail. 

Five days of nerve pain absolutely drives you crazy. I was out of my mind yesterday. My orthopedist appointment wasn’t until today, Wednesday, and while I was able to get a round of prednisone and had a muscle relaxer on hand, no other home remedies were working. I decided yesterday afternoon to head to the ER. Greg also called my orthopedist to see if there was anything else I could do to ease the pain. 

Thankfully the ER did help me out with a morphine shot. It alleviated some of the pain and I was as high as a kite almost immediately, causing me to not even give a shit about the residual pain. Sweet relief from my misery, even if it would only last a few hours. At this same time, Greg and my doctor were getting me set up for an epidural injection first thing this morning - that, by the way, feels really funky. 

I had my doctor appointment this afternoon. Good news and bad news. Back to physical therapy, continuing those exercises to build up my strength and mobility, and a cessation of running and any impact activities for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t a surprise to me. I had been doing so well, so if I have to let one activity go to get my back fully healed, I’m willing to do so. 

If I think too much about it, however, I start feeling beaten down again. It’s been a brutal 3.5 years. To not be able to run again on Snoqualmie Trail, to not run a race in Huntington Beach…and all the other miles that make my heart happy….well, it absolutely crushes me. I find so much joy in that journey, and now I’ll have to shift for a long period of time to other activities that will better serve my broken body.

One of the things that hurts the most, however, is upsetting Greg. He hates to see me like this and I know my tears were tearing him up inside. I spent his 50th birthday in excruciating pain and couldn’t celebrate him like I wanted to and how he deserved. He’s such a rock to me, however, and puts himself aside to fully focus on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and that serves as motivation to do what I need to do, and not make stupid decisions that further hinder my healing and progress. I still envision us running many more miles together in the future.

The pain of running a marathon (if I ever get to do that again) will be a piece of cake to endure after all this. 

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

Faith

As the new year begins, I've chosen my theme. I spent 2023 growing stronger in my faith in Jesus, while practicing gratitude for all the ways I have been blessed. This year, my faith will take on even bigger meaning. I will walk in my faith daily and be an example to others on how trusting in God can transform your life, can guide you, and can enrich every aspect of your day.

FAITH

Living with faith, growing your faith, trusting in your faith is not an easy endeavor. God never promised us a problem-free life, and for many, these problems seem insurmountable. To live by faith means that you trust even when you can't see it, even when it doesn't make sense, even in your deepest pain. You live with an eternal perspective, not a worldly perspective. In your deepest sorrow, you can turn to God to bring you through it.

As Greg and I continue in our commissioning as leaders at our church, we are entrusted to live this way, to show others the power of belief, and this new purpose in my life brings peace, perspective, and abundance. I'm excited and humbled to see what 2024 brings in my church community and beyond.

I committed to finding gratitude in 2023. While I still struggled and some days seemed brutally hard, I never went long without realizing my blessings and shifting my perspective to the good in my life and in the world. 

It was fun to look back on the previous year and to reflect on the adventures, and as I looked through all our countless photos I definitely had a big smile on my face. It was a good year, a difficult year, a year of abundance and learning and growing. With all the plans we have for 2024, I have no doubt that the positives will far outweigh any struggles, that we will see so many new things and experience far more than we can see right now. We have choices on how we want to begin a year, and I'm beginning this one looking forward while coming to peace with the past and all that it has taught me.

Back in July, I posted about our year so far, so I'll continue here where we left off....the second half of 2023 in pictures....enjoy!

Ending July with family in Seattle

My first race since 2021 (Snoqualmie, WA)

We lost a very special friend, Alison, to cancer in July

Great friends+Austin=LOVE

Summer of concerts continues - Bryan Adams, Seattle, August

Greg's first time in Nashville, August

Luke Bryan, Bridgestone Arena

Gibson Garage+caught in the rain

Just have to trust

Greg is funny with his gifts

I'm pretty funny, too

Back in Seattle on a gorgeous day, September

It may have been cold and rainy, but we had a blast on Mt. Rainier

Visited my sister on her birthday

We have a lot of advenutres!

Important reminder to walk out our faith

Sometimes my dogs are cute

I went to Seattle about a dozen times this year.
The rain did not stop me from getting in miles (October)

Weekend trip to Michigan, October

Hanging with Greg at work

Left my mark in Greg's office

25th Anniversary trip booked!

Back in Seattle, November

Greg traveled to Tokyo for the first time

I got terrible news about my spine (herniated and bulging discs)

Last trip of the year to Seattle for me, December

It's Christmas time!

Off to a party

Our 29th Christmas together

Last day of 2023!

Two more weeks until the milestone

Facts

It was a busy, fruitful, and totally crazy year. So much love, so much travel, so much growth, so much perseverance, so much hope. 

In two weeks, we head to Napa and then to Seattle to celebrate my birthday. While the thought of entering my 50s seems crazy to me, I'm looking forward to celebrating this month with those I love the most. 

Mid Year Shenanigans

I'm starting to feel like I'm the world's worst runner. I have my first race since December 2021 in about two weeks, and while it's *only* a half marathon, I'm feeling a bit unprepared. It's definitely low mileage, mediocre-effort training, I'm not even attempting anything near a personal best, and I could completely embarrass myself. But on the bright side, it'll get my feet wet again on the race front, it'll be in the Seattle area (thank you cooler temps), and it's got a net downhill of about 1100 feet. So low mileage be damned....it'll still be a great time!

Greg met up with me on my 12 miler around Lake Union

In the meantime, while I'm in Austin I'm LITERALLY DYING. The heat has been on another level this summer....either that or I'm just a big fat baby now that I spend so much time in the Pacific Northwest and constantly lose all my heat acclimation. After a week in Seattle, I tried running in 80+ degrees this morning. It was pretty freaking pathetic, but 6 miles were done and I feel pretty good about that.

Speaking of races.....

I SIGNED UP FOR A DAMN MARATHON!!

On February 4, I'll be running Marathon #18 in Huntington Beach. I'm equal parts excited and terrified. It means I actually have to take this running thing seriously again. I'm planning to write up a plan as I approach August and recover from the half marathon. It'll be lower mileage than my last few marathons, and I don't have a time goal (YET), and I need to take my nutrition more seriously, and I need to stop being a loser. So basically, it'll be entertaining I'm sure. Maybe I'll even start treating this blog like a running blog again.

I'm trying to convince Greg to become more of a runner again, but he's fighting me on that. A girl can dream, though. I love running with him. He's pretty freaking awesome.

ANYWAY, although my running isn't taking center stage in my life, I have been doing fun things! I've taken quite a few trips to Seattle with Greg over the past few months, and have more coming up....and I'm loving it. I don't love that he has to travel there almost every week, and I'm home in Austin without him way too much, but the times I get to go with him are so special to me. Seattle is just a damn cool city, the weather is phenomenal in the summer, we get to explore a lot (without a car 95% of the time!), and Greg kicks ass at work (as much as one can kick ass at Amazon). We've entertained the idea of buying a place there (almost certainly not going to), we have a whole list of things we still want to do, and are about to renew our apartment lease (eek!). 

The view that never gets old

Just this last week, the kids came out with us for the first time. Brady has never been there, and Dani hadn't been there since we moved into the apartment. A lot of fun was had, a lot of togetherness was had, and I was not ready to come back home to Austin. The dogs missed us, though. And the pool had turned green in our absence so that was neat. 

(I think I'm getting closer to being ready to sell my house)

Watched Lake Union fireworks from the rooftop on 4th of July

San Luis Obispo's Bubblegum Alley came first. Sorry, Seattle.

Mount Rainier

In addition to a lot of traveling, we are being crazy concert people as well. We've already seen Duran Duran this year (my first time seeing them in 30 years!), unfortunately Thomas Rhett and Cole Swindell were canceled in Louisiana last month, then we are seeing Bryan Adams in Seattle and Luke Bryan in Nashville next month, and lastly 3 Doors Down in Austin at the end of summer. Basically, we are booking things on a whim and having a great time doing it. And we aren't inviting the kids to any of it because it's way more fun to just date your spouse.

ALSO....MY KIDS GRADUATED!!! My son graduated with his Bachelor of Science in Computer Science with Cum Laude honors from the University of Texas at Tyler in April, and my daughter graduated from high school in May. They both still live at home for now and that's just fine by me! They are pretty awesome dog sitters for when I'm off causing trouble with Greg. 

An award for Top Computer Science Student of 2023

All the grandparents, too!

Happy Kid!

Once Fall comes around, Greg and I are embarking on another journey. We plan to help lead a marriage ministry/class at our church along with several other phenomenal couples. This is going outside our comfort zone but we feel we have something to offer other couples, whether they are really struggling or are just going through a rough patch. Becoming more involved at church has been incredibly important to me for the last year and I'm looking forward to growing as a faith leader. 

Speaking of faith, can I just again say how grateful I am for my Christian faith? It has saved my life, my sanity, my family, and my marriage. Surrendering to God is the best thing I've ever done. And I know Greg will agree! It's the foundation for every single thing in our lives. 

As the year comes to a close in a few months, fully expect me to be slightly (not just slightly) freaking out over my impending 50th birthday in January. But until then, enjoy a few more pictures of a pretty great 2023. 

Birthday #49

And Greg's #49

Anniversary #24

Fishing at Lake Palestine

Cool Seattle retro sign

We might be famous

Can't beat the sunset

Great Wheel

Mount Rainier

First time here!

Is this what I need?

Whale watching

No blog is complete without the dogs