Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

Race Calendar+Goals+Pride

After the excitement of finishing my marathon season, it's been nice to take the pressure off myself a bit and just get back to enjoying running and thinking of future goals. There was a restlessness, however, that was eating at me and I knew I needed to get serious about picking out some races leading up to Boston 2019.

Since my half split times in both marathons were some of my fastest half marathons ever, I knew it would serve me well to focus more on that distance. Before these marathons, I hadn't run a sub-2 hour half since 2014, and my PR of 1:51:36 is now five years old. I have a big goal that I'm eyeing in Boston (provided, of course, that my 5:07 buffer is sufficient and I get in, and if the weather cooperates), and I'd like to get in some tune up races well before the buildup to Boston.

So I have picked two half marathons so far, both in Houston, but on two totally different courses. The Houston Half is on October 28 and is on a looped course through downtown and on Allen Parkway and Memorial Drive. It's a great section of Houston to run and I'm excited about it. It's easy to travel to Houston and it's on a Sunday so I don't have to disrupt our family schedule by having to travel on a Friday. It's not a huge race as far as big city races go (less than 4000 finishers in 2017). At first I was going to run a Shreveport half marathon that weekend, but it's on Saturday and a couple hours further away than Houston. Houston Half just seemed better logistically. Besides, it was only $50!

The second half I'm signed up for is Aramco Half, which coincides with Chevron Houston Marathon in January. I've run this race five times so far, four marathon distance and one half distance. Four out of five times the weather has been great so I'm hoping for that good luck to continue. I love this race for so many reasons. The organization can't be beat, it finishes at the convention center so you get to be inside after the race, the course is great, and the crowd support is the best I've experienced so far. The 2019 race will be my first race in my new 45-49 age group. It comes three months before Boston, so perfect timing to gauge my fitness and figure out where I need improvement before I build up for April 15. I'm hoping that my time qualifier is fast enough to get me in A corral (that's a big deal in a huge race like Houston)...but I think it will. Fingers crossed. This Houston race will really be a big goal race for me, provided the October race goes well and I can still see ways for further improvement.

I'm not sure how much I'm really going to talk about my specific marathon and half marathon time goals. I haven't told anyone beyond the husband what they are, and they frighten me a little. But if I learned anything from 2017 and my two marathons, is that I am perfectly capable of the hard work and discipline that is required for lofty goals, so why stick to the same when I have the potential to be even faster? But...to throw those goals out there into the open so early in the year? No, I'm not ready to do that just yet. My mind is going a million miles an hour strategizing the next several months and I'm looking forward to new challenges.

In March I'll be racing in the Texas Independence Relay for my 9th year in a row. It's been cut down from 200 miles to 180 miles this year, which means only three legs for me and not four, and probably a max of about 16 or 17 miles total for me to run. I committed to 8:15 pace and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time to see if I can maintain that kind of pace over my three relay legs. Two weeks after the relay is my first 10K road race in nearly 6 years. My goal is to shave 5 minutes off my PR. I have a relatively slow (for me) 10K PR since I have only raced a handful of times at that distance. The weather is a crapshoot in April in Texas, however, so I'll cross my fingers and hope it cooperates and I can suck it up enough to meet my "A" goal.

The hubs pointed out something funny this morning. Because I am planning to do Boston next year, that means that my thought of running Ironman Texas is on hold right now and he's so happy about that! Truth be told, so am I! While the idea of Ironman is not off the table at all, I'm so ill-prepared to start that kind of training. It's pretty much a relief to table that craziness for at least another year.

Now enough about me...I want to talk about my husband! He's running his first marathon in July, and a goal half marathon in April, and he has already been working his butt off. I wrote up a tough training plan for him, and he's flying through it in such an impressive way. He doesn't at all question the crazy things I make him do, even if they scare him, and he totally trusts the process each week. He tells me all the details about each run and how he felt so we can adjust if necessary, being mindful of doing too much too soon and risking injury. His dedication is off the charts awesome and if he's able to continue at this with the same determination, consistency, and commitment then he has a really big shot at qualifying for Boston at his marathon. He figures if he's going to go big, he may as well go REALLY big. He's seriously a coach's dream client. He just makes me damn proud!

After spending so many years training to "finish" marathons and never committing to my true ability, it feels so good to know that I am finally a good marathoner and have the ability to get even better. Crazy fast (for me) goals no longer scare me as much as they used to, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. But I know if I plug away one week and one run at a time, and track my progress, and adjust where I need to, and dial in my nutrition and racing weight like I did in 2017, I'm not totally crazy for wanting these new goals. I am so thrilled at the thought of crushing my goal in Boston next year!

200 miles.....and Confusion

Not really sure where to start.

So I ran my 8th Texas Independence Relay this weekend. I committed to four legs for over 19 miles, plus the 1.15 mile prologue.

It was probably a poor choice to commit to that many miles, but we had several runners that were not 100% and I felt like I didn't have any nagging issues that could prevent me from being a workhorse over the course of the relay.

Well....

I blew up. I did all the miles I said I was going to do, and I averaged 9:31 pace over my four legs. But it should have been much faster and much easier for me. My last two legs were the two slowest legs I have ever run in all eight years of this relay, at 9:49 and 10:20 pace. I'm so disappointed in myself and so confused as to what went wrong.

Two days later, my legs feel pretty good. Although I had a bit of IT band tightness in the late hours of the relay, and my quads were unusually sore going into my fourth leg, I have recovered well and my IT band is giving me zero issues right now. I am, however, very sick with a cold that started coming on Sunday night. I don't want to make the excuse that I was coming down with something and that's why I suddenly couldn't run well anymore. I suppose it's possible, but it still frustrates me.

I ate well. I hydrated very well. I rested better than I expected during our break overnight. I don't think I was particularly tired or cranky.

I just totally blew up.

I ran 8:53 pace and 9:06 pace for my first two legs, and while it wasn't particularly easy to hold those paces, I was steady and determined and not overtaxed despite the warm weather. I had high hopes for the my third leg, which was at 1:00am in much cooler weather. Usually my overnight leg is my strongest and with it being only 4.13 miles I thought I might be able to run about 8:45 pace. But as soon as I started running it felt hard. I thought I was running around 9-9:15 pace but when my first mile came through it was an even 10:00. I tried speeding up in the second mile and it came in at 9:38. No way should this leg have been feeling this difficult, but I simply could not run any faster without it being a huge struggle. My van mates cheered me on when they checked on me, and all I could think of to say was "I'm running 10 minute miles and I don't know why!" They thought that was hilarious....but no. No it was not.

I wasn't the only one to struggle overnight. The humidity was getting very bad as the night progressed, although I didn't really notice it so much on my leg. The other van was feeling the effects of the weather and the miles and a couple of them needed to drop their fourth leg. I really had no choice but to suck it up for my 5 miler into downtown Houston. My legs were getting so stiff and I was honestly worried about being able to finish strong. We needed absolutely every strong mile we could get in those last legs of the relay. I wanted to do well for my team.

It was pretty ugly. I started off as conservative as I could to loosen up, but even a slow pace was hard. As the other van passed me to check on me, I told them I was running 10:30 pace and wasn't sure I could make my legs go any faster. They cared less than I did and just cheered me on.

I have never had the urge to walk on a relay leg more than I did right then, but I pushed through and forced my legs to keep running. As I crossed the pedestrian bridges over the bayou and could glimpse the skyscrapers of downtown it felt like they were so far away, even though it was less than three miles. This leg was taking so long to get through! For the first four miles I averaged about 10:15 pace but my fifth mile I slowed down considerably to 10:45 pace. I couldn't really pick it up very much when I turned the corner for the last minute of the run down Smith Street to the exchange.

The best way to describe my last leg was that it was every bit as hard as the last five miles in a difficult marathon, and the way I felt after I finished that last leg was exactly like how I feel coming down the finish chute after a marathon. I was completely spent, totally sore, unable to breathe, and miserable.

Thinking back on it now, two days later, and I'm still pretty perplexed as to what happened. Is it obvious I'm totally disappointed in myself?

I need to shake this disappointment and move on. My team did pretty well for having so many people struggling with injury and training problems, with it being in the mid-80s and sunny during the afternoon runs, and with having to shuffle some of the legs around. We finished earlier than expected (barely!) and nobody was really hurt (at least not anymore than when we started!), and we had a great time. But I always want to be a workhorse (even if I'm the slowest workhorse).

Good God, I need to shut up.

However, at the end of the day, the Texas Independence Relay is still the best race of the year, even if it's the most exasperating. Lots of great moments. Lots of crazy moments. Lots of moments that fall under the category of "what happens on the relay stays on the relay."

In the Heat of Summer

It's hot out there.

It's DAMN hot out there.

5:30 am, 80 degrees, 90% humidity, off-the-charts oppressive. Not a surprise (this is my 10th summer here after all) but it still sucks every single time.

I am trying to push through the discomfort as best as I can. I have started to complete much longer weekend runs with my triathlon group, and although I slow it way down and take a couple walking breaks, I'm getting through them. I continue my mid-week evening hill workout, typically in 95+ degree temps, but those, too, are getting to be quite difficult. I'm wearing my heartrate monitor and have not overtaxed myself yet, but it sometimes feels like death.

My hydration is a struggle this summer. I'm not sure what is different, but I am having trouble feeling sufficiently hydrated. I need to change some things because this concerns me. For an endurance athlete in a Texas summer, hydration is everything.

With it being summer, I really had no idea if my fitness (read: SPEED) was even close to being up to par going into marathon training. I think my intervals runs have been pretty decent considering the weather conditions, but the short relay I had this past weekend was a good judge of where I'm at. It's not great, but it's actually not as bad as I thought. It was a 5K 2-person relay, so only 1.55 miles each. But it started at 10:00am, in 86 degree heat, and by 1.55 miles they really meant 1.68 miles. So sweet of them.

What I really thought I could run was 8:15 pace. What I hoped I could run was 8:00 pace. What I actually ran was 7:44 pace. The only time I looked at my pace was 6 minutes into the run and then I just tried to hold it for as long as possible. My second mile was 15 seconds per mile faster than Mile 1, even though I totally thought I was falling apart (seriously, that last 10th of a mile lasted 30 minutes I swear). My partner, Drew (freaking youngster) ran 6:08 pace so we managed to run 3.35 miles in 23:17 for first place in our division. It was Drew's first medal since high school, although he's come so close in a couple of his triathlons this year. It was a medal I was hoping we'd get, but was cautiously optimistic about. What a great surprise to pull it off!

My two half marathons are coming up in October and I am technically training for them, upping my weekly miles, trying to add another weekly run. I would like to have two good races, but I really need these temperatures to give me some mercy. Not likely to happen anytime soon. July in Texas after all.

On the bright side, it feels really good to only be focusing on one discipline this summer. I think when late winter/early spring rolls around I'm going to be ready to (literally) get my feet wet again and compete in triathlons. My mind has so much trouble focusing right now that it's a blessing I made the tough decision I did to sit the triathlon season out.

I might even admit that when I'm watching my team compete and I see them racking up podium spots, I actually do miss it. Triathlons are definitely something special.

Success and Looking Ahead

Thank you, baby Jesus, for a great relay last weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

A short summary of the awesomeness....I committed to 9:30 pace and I actually ran 9:00 pace across my three legs and 14.61 miles. And it didn't feel like I was running any faster than 9:30 pace the entire time. And I didn't fall apart. And nothing hurt!! And I could've run another leg if my team had needed me.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???

I am officially off of the injured list. I have rehabilitated successfully. I am well on my way to future awesomeness.

Of course, I still have to be smart and continue my strength training and make sure my body stays in balance, and I have to increase my mileage and speed slowly, and I can't be stupid about any of it.

BUT HOLY MOTHER OF FABULOUS!!

So what is one of the first things that I do? I register for another race, of course.

My husband (who hasn't run more than 6 miles at a time in forever) and I are going to run the Wildflower Trail Half Marathon on May 7 in Bastrop. I have wanted to do another trail race for quite awhile (I haven't done one since 2013). I also wanted to introduce my husband to the greatness of trail racing. Originally we were going to register for a 10K later on in May on a much more technical trail, but since I had such a great experience at the relay of course I had to aim much bigger than that. My poor husband. It's a good thing I'm much slower than him so adding so much distance onto what he's actually trained for won't really kill him.

I have also already written my training plan for my next marathon....NINE MONTHS AWAY. I decided since first, I had been injured, and second, it will be two years since my last marathon, that I would write up a six month plan. Normally I would only focus on it for four months but I want to be sure I get enough base miles in over the summer before I focus more on volume, speed, and efficiency in the fall.

What's my goal?

A FREAKING PERSONAL BEST, DAMMIT.

As for triathlon season....I really have no idea about that right now. I'm getting back in the water and I'm going on rides, but I'm not planning any actual triathlons this season quite yet. Sometimes it's good to change focus.

I'm just so glad I'm feeling so much better.

Keep on Truckin'

Some days are good. Some days suck.

But first, with the good. I'm well on my way to recovery physically. I played it very smart and slowly built up my mileage without adding any speed, typically running three times per week. Once I was comfortable with 6 miles, I started adding interval training but still not running all out. I think it's been a very good plan. This past weekend I ran nearly 11 miles, albeit a very easy pace with a speed up only in the last two or three miles, and I was happy to find that there was absolutely no soreness from it. Even with yard work for a few hours later in the day, my legs held up just fine.  The strength training I've been fairly consistent at during recovery has helped tremendously in my recovery, and it's making me feel better overall.

I'm far from at my peak. I do miss the days of not having any trouble running 9 minute pace on long runs. I miss running 8:45 pace for a half marathon race. I miss the long LONG runs of marathon training. But I'll get there soon, with a continued build up of distance and speed and strength. I registered for The Louisiana Marathon in January and I'm looking at it as my ultimate comeback race. It's actually the only race I have on my calendar besides this coming weekend's Texas Independence Relay. It remains to be seen if I add anything else. In all honesty, having no pressure on myself has been a pretty great thing.

As for the relay this coming weekend....I went back and forth for weeks on whether or not I was really going to participate. It takes a lot physically and mentally to do a team 200 mile relay and with all the other stresses in my life, in addition to injury rehab, I just wasn't sure it would be good for me. But I stuck it out and I'm doing it. It will be my team's 7th year in a row of participating. I am sad I had to commit to such a slow pace, the slowest I will have run in all 7 years. But I'm doing it.

With running aside, however, life is still a bit of a crapshoot.

My daughter has been in therapy for 6 weeks now. Overall, is has been helping her (thank God) but there are still so many unknowns and a few curveballs have been thrown at her dad and me. When it's a bad day, it's a really really bad day. Thankfully the bad days are far fewer, but I still get completely knocked down emotionally on the bad days. As a matter of fact, right now I'm completely exhausted and am finding it very difficult to find my Monday Motivation. Hence, a blog post!

My son is doing okay. He's a full-on teenager now, complete with the emotions and growing pains involved in that. He's slowly finding his motivation with school despite his struggles with ADHD. He has his hiccups and I hear from teachers occasionally. He has moments of speaking before he thinks and I have to remind him of compassion and sensitivity and how important it is to display that as often as possible. I worry about how he's feeling on the inside, although he tells me he's okay. But I still worry that he's keeping something inside, or that he's hurting and won't discuss it. I suppose the best thing I can do is to make sure he always knows I'm his biggest fan and I am there for him.

I'm trying to let go of the debilitating feeling that this is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I had a pretty good childhood, and although I always knew I was different than a lot of kids and struggled to fit in sometimes, I was motivated to succeed and I held tightly to those things I could control. Emotionally I was sometimes quite a wreck, but I've come to terms with a lot of that now that I understand it more. But I never had the difficulties my own children have. I knew how to focus, I didn't get in trouble at school, and did not have frequent, raging fits at home. My kids are not so lucky. Raising them is far more difficult than I ever could have imagined it would be. Yes, I'm fully aware that parenting is the hardest thing a person will ever do in their lives. But the struggle with my kids goes well beyond that. I envisioned lots of travel, lots of family time, a successful school career, and lots of smiles. It's hard to let that fantasy go and to find the alternatives that suit my kids' struggles better. I'm still hoping we get more travel in (my kids do not fly), and I'm hoping that the steps we are making now will still translate to success in school (my oldest goes to high school next year and he knows what the stakes are).

Oh, and everything is STILL BREAKING at my house. This past week it was the second A/C unit and the repair bill was a doozy. When the cost of everything that has broken or gone wrong (pet illnesses were bad, too) adds up to more than what I paid for my last new car, you know it's been a bad 12 months. There's only so much even a decent and secure salary can cover without it really starting to hurt. My stomach is constantly in knots wondering what else is going to go wrong and how much it will cost.

(Side note: my backyard does look pretty wonderful, however, and yes my husband and I are continuing to do ALL the new landscaping ourselves. I have a feeling it's going to be my oasis for many years to come, and thank God for that because I need an oasis!)

It will probably be good for me to let all of this go for a few days while I embark on the relay this weekend. Physically it will tire me out, but emotionally it will be good to only have to focus on myself.

Meanwhile, one day at a time....I keep on truckin'....

Relay Reflections

I'll likely do a Texas Independence Relay race recap in another post, but for now I have a few thoughts I want to share.

1. This race, without a doubt, is my favorite, despite the sleep deprivation, agony of running in the heat, pressure to kick ass, and general delirium. I forget about my stress for 48 hours.

2. I can't believe my friends can put up with my bullshit. I'm not easy to deal with sometimes. I'm a bitch when I run in the heat, I'm generally a rule follower (not always a good thing), and I'm way too detail oriented sometimes. But nobody kills me while on the relay, year after year.

3. I'm way too consistent with my pace. Someday I'll blow it wide open and shock the crap out of people.

4. I appreciate each and every one of my teammates for different reasons...

- Thanks Tony for wanting me to be your navigator and keeping me laughing for 6 relays. We might argue too much but we get shit done.

- Thanks Geissinger for taking over the navigation when I couldn't read the map anymore Sunday morning, and for letting me treat you like a piece of meat.

- Thanks, Red, for being the coolest, hardest working, most caring teammate, and for talking about yourself in the third person.

- Thanks Katie, for being so amazing and talented, and for your concern about how mean Tony is to me ;)

- Thanks Matt for seriously being the most joyful runner I've ever met. Your positive attitude was contagious and I could learn a lot from you.

- Thanks Erica for convincing John to join us and for doing your best to control Danimal. We've missed you being on the team.

- Thanks John for being willing to endure one more relay and for not killing us. The one liners were truly epic.

- Thanks Emily for bringing such perfect humor and sarcasm to the team. Hot redheads are the best.

- Thanks Danimal for not drinking so much you couldn't still run like a badass, and for sticking with the team and giving your all when you weren't confident you could.

- Thanks Kalynn for being strong and fun and cute and darling and a really great friend...and the 7:20's don't hurt either.

- Thanks Cary for bringing it home at San Jacinto. And for being a size small.

- Thanks Team Mom Ginne for making us feel like we're all your kids, for being our rock. We love you!!

Who's giving me a massage??