Unfortunate Health Update

It was only two weeks ago I wrote my last blog post about finding hope in affliction through my faith, and that I was on the mend from a lumbar disc herniation.

A lot can change in two weeks.

My last run was Thursday, April 4 and will likely be my last run of 2024. 

I have somehow reinjured my spine. My L4/L5 disc herniation reared its ugly head again on Friday morning and the second time around has been even more painful than the original injury last fall. I spent five days in excruciating pain as the disc compressed my nerve down my entire left leg. I was at a pain level of 8-9 with very little relief. Drugged myself up as much as I could, but until the inflammation goes down, real relief is futile. Every morning, after a fitful night of sleep, I would hope that I would have a little less pain and a little more mobility…to no avail. 

Five days of nerve pain absolutely drives you crazy. I was out of my mind yesterday. My orthopedist appointment wasn’t until today, Wednesday, and while I was able to get a round of prednisone and had a muscle relaxer on hand, no other home remedies were working. I decided yesterday afternoon to head to the ER. Greg also called my orthopedist to see if there was anything else I could do to ease the pain. 

Thankfully the ER did help me out with a morphine shot. It alleviated some of the pain and I was as high as a kite almost immediately, causing me to not even give a shit about the residual pain. Sweet relief from my misery, even if it would only last a few hours. At this same time, Greg and my doctor were getting me set up for an epidural injection first thing this morning - that, by the way, feels really funky. 

I had my doctor appointment this afternoon. Good news and bad news. Back to physical therapy, continuing those exercises to build up my strength and mobility, and a cessation of running and any impact activities for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t a surprise to me. I had been doing so well, so if I have to let one activity go to get my back fully healed, I’m willing to do so. 

If I think too much about it, however, I start feeling beaten down again. It’s been a brutal 3.5 years. To not be able to run again on Snoqualmie Trail, to not run a race in Huntington Beach…and all the other miles that make my heart happy….well, it absolutely crushes me. I find so much joy in that journey, and now I’ll have to shift for a long period of time to other activities that will better serve my broken body.

One of the things that hurts the most, however, is upsetting Greg. He hates to see me like this and I know my tears were tearing him up inside. I spent his 50th birthday in excruciating pain and couldn’t celebrate him like I wanted to and how he deserved. He’s such a rock to me, however, and puts himself aside to fully focus on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and that serves as motivation to do what I need to do, and not make stupid decisions that further hinder my healing and progress. I still envision us running many more miles together in the future.

The pain of running a marathon (if I ever get to do that again) will be a piece of cake to endure after all this. 

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

April Check in + Virtual Racing

It's been over a month since my last blog post, but I haven't felt like writing. What could I possibly say that hadn't been said before? This is a crappy time, the stress is ridiculous, and the unknown is even worse. I miss our normal lives, and I am fearful of how different our "normal" will become when we are able to reopen our country.

We are all feeling some pretty intense emotions right now.

But I've been thinking this week about a few things that I really did want to write about. The bad emotions can be greatly helped when we think of gratitude, and I've made it a point to repeat to myself the things I am grateful for.

1. My husband still has a job. He's working ridiculous hours, sometimes from 6am to 11pm holed away in his office, with time here and there to eat and interact. But he has a job, he's busy (job security?), and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

2. My daughter doesn't have to worry about the social stress from being on a 4000+ student high school campus, although she desperately misses her close friends.

3. We have a house big enough for us to all make our own space. We aren't on top of each other, and we can all find quiet places when we need them. I may never downsize.

4. I am still able to exercise (and I do have a lot to say about that, particularly since this is a running blog!)

5. We are able to find food in the grocery stores and make good meals and are cooking so much more than normal.

6. While our grocery bill is much higher, our other expenses are much lower. We don't need to buy gas and we haven't been ordering drinks at restaurants and those two things alone are saving us a lot of money!

7. My dogs are thrilled we are always around and have warm laps.

Now I want to talk about my running.

I'm supposed to run the Chicago Marathon in October, but I have to be honest...I don't expect there to be any major marathons for the rest of the year, so I am not counting on it. I am pretty sure I'll be deferring to 2021, but will make that decision when I'm forced to. For now, I have a hotel room booked and no plane tickets yet!

The lack of certainty surrounding my marathon has had no impact on the amount of running I'm doing. I am actually running more in an off season than I have ever run. I'm almost at marathon volume, but with far more easy miles. In a typical week, I am running 40+ miles with probably 90% of them at an easy zone 1 and 2 heartrate pace. The high volume of easy vs fast miles is keeping my body feeling absolutely great. I'm running really really well right now and it's weird.

At the beginning of March, I was under a great deal of stress (not even coronavirus related), and it affected my running negatively. My heartrate was constantly elevated. But I kept being consistent and still getting out there and running, keeping it easy. After a few weeks, and within the confines of this stay-at-home order, my running has improved dramatically. My heartrate has slowly come down while my pace has quickened. In a nutshell, it's been amazing. Being able to still get out there almost everyday and exercise has been vital to keeping my emotions in check. There are a million things we can't control, but we can certainly control getting in some exercise.

There is a local 5K race held every month that costs only $1, but because of the stay-at-home order, the race has gone virtual. Greg and I ran last month's together at more of a half marathon pace and got our results listed and it was fun! This month, the race director decided to add in a 10K, half marathon, and marathon distance in addition to the 5K, over a 4-day period. We could run any or all distances and submit our times. I started my week running as normal, with a hard interval run on Tuesday that went very well. I had planned to run the rest of my miles easy and then "race" a half marathon over the weekend to count for the virtual race. But in looking at the weather forecast, it seemed like Thursday would be the best time to run (the virtual dates were April 16-19). I ran for an hour Wednesday as normal, and then figured why not just race on Thursday, even though I wasn't at all rested, nor had I even fueled very well. I didn't even have a route in mind, just knew I'd run in the neighborhood. Didn't really matter, since I had no intentions of running faster than marathon pace (8:35).

So here we are on Thursday morning. I didn't even bother with a warm up and set out to run the first couple miles at a faster-than-normal-but-not-fast pace. Easy pace for me is around 9:30-10:15 and I ran that first mile in 8:55, so definitely a bit faster than it felt (good sign?). Mile 2 came in at 8:24 and I'm not lying when I say I absolutely thought I was running slower. It freaked me out a little, as it was early on and I didn't want to get caught up in that "but I felt so good in the beginning" mentality and then hate myself at Mile 10.

The miles just kept clicking off in the low 8's and I honestly felt just fine. It wasn't easy at all, but it felt very doable for 13 miles. I saw Greg at four miles in and he ran a few miles with me back towards our house so I could refuel. Greg acted as my water stop volunteer so I didn't need to lose too much time. He was done with his run, so now I had about six more miles to run to finish this out. I was on pace to run about a 1:50 half marathon, which technically would be my third fastest ever. This seemed completely unreal to me and like it must be some kind of fluke. But then again, I still had six miles to go.

I ended up speeding up a bit and my miles were just flying by in just over 8:00 pace, and I calculated I could actually come really close to my PR of 1:47:49. By the time I realized this, I couldn't speed up enough to actually break it, and besides, it wouldn't have been much fun to say you ran a PR and it technically not count. But I knew if I just kept running, I was on pace to run my second fastest and that became the plan with the last 5K to go.

I ended up running 1:48:26 for 13.11 miles and an 8:16 pace. I ran the first half in about 8:22 pace, so it was a nice negative split. And I was strangely not that tired after I was done. My average heartrate was only 149 and it was a Zone 3 run. For my January race, where I PRd on a net downhill (very gradual) course with a slight tailwind, my average heartrate was 158.

I just think this is so weird. I haven't been doing any specialized training. Just running a lot of easy miles, staying consistent, running long every weekend, and doing one hard workout per week. EASY MILES MAKE YOU FASTER!!

So now I still have all these miles I still want to run this weekend. I decided that this morning, I would run the virtual 10k BUT DEFINITELY NOT FAST. My 10k PR is a 7:52 average (48:54), not in the cards two days after a fast half marathon. I'm crazy but not that crazy. Once again, I thought marathon pace would be just fine.

I actually did warm up for this one, a nice 1.25 mile jog with the husband, who was going to run a fast 5K. I eased into an uncomfortable pace that didn't hurt my legs too badly (they were fatigued, but not sore). First mile was an 8:29, and the second mile wasn't much quicker so it seemed like this was the pace my body would go. Fine by me! My heartrate once again was very much in control, solid Zone 3. It ended up being a very good run overall, and I negative split it. My last mile was 7:49 and that really made me happy! My time overall was 51:15 and an 8:14 pace. It was also my second fastest 10K ever.

Two races, two days apart, second fastest in both. When I wasn't rested, wasn't fueled, and had run 44 miles the week before. I don't recommend an unconventional approach like that to racing, but it sure worked out well for me this week!

My body isn't used to that many fast miles in one week, so I'm taking the next couple runs very easy. I still plan to run long tomorrow, but all in Zones 1 and 2.

What does this mean for marathon training that is supposed to start in less than two months? Well, I'm going to continue running 40+ miles per week, continue with one hard workout each week, and start my training plan mid-June. Regardless of whether Chicago happens or not, I will still train for it and I will still run a marathon that day. It won't be a PR marathon (because if I did that I would run a BQ pace and it would piss me off to no end to BQ but not really BQ because it certainly won't count). I have never run a marathon distance by myself outside of a race. But I will do it. I'm running so well right now and want to keep this up.

I'm going to forget about the fact that summer is coming and Texas summers suck and I'm going to actually die running in the heat. I won't think about that right now.

Feeling Guilty & Fast Miles & What's Coming Up Next & Picking Marathons

I haven't written a post in a few weeks, so it's time to play catch up.

I'm feeling pretty much mentally exhausted STILL. I never know what each week is going to bring and I start the week with a mixture of dreadful anticipation and cautious optimism. The start to the semester hasn't exactly been easy for my youngest. She's missed several days of school and it's a battle to get her to change her perspective on a few stressful feelings she's having. This mom just needs a break of more than a day or two from the drama.

These feelings of mine are now morphing into massive guilt. I'm an introvert, so being busy and constantly around activity and noise and conversation can drain me when I'm already tired and in need of a recharge. Sometimes interactions are good, but I'm continually feeling like I need solitude lately. It's frustrating. So now I feel guilty because I'm not good at reaching out and making plans right now. I'm great at responding to texts (well, the vast majority of time) and that seems to be my go-to interaction. Isolating, yes indeed. So there's a balance to be found somewhere in there, and I'm seeking it out. In the meantime...GUILT.

ANYWAY....moving on....

Two weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I would be racing the half I had signed up for. I was a little ambivalent about it, as it wasn't an A race, but it was a fast course and it would've been fun to see how fast I could run. My hamstring was sore and I was leaning towards being careful rather than actually injuring myself.

Thankfully, I was feeling pretty great the day before, so I decided to get my butt to the start line. The weather was perfect and I couldn't have asked for more.

What a good decision I made.

I hadn't really had structured training between my December 8 marathon and this race, 6 weeks later. I was keeping up my long runs, and incorporating tempo runs and intervals twice a week, but I kind of made it up as I went along, just trying to keep up my fitness without being crazy. So what I could do on race day was kind of an unknown. I didn't have much to lose, and I wasn't putting a lot of pressure on myself, so I could afford to let go and see what happened. If I imploded, it wasn't going to be a big deal.

Can I just say that putting so little pressure on myself is like the magic pill?

IMAGINE THAT.

I ran a 97 second half marathon PR. At 46 years old. Six weeks after a tough marathon. A week after hurting my hamstring. Go figure.

I'm really proud of how I executed this race. It wasn't perfect, but I pushed myself beyond what I thought I could do, and didn't freak myself out during the race. I just kept pushing, mile after mile.

I had written down a pacing plan that would get me to my stretch goal of sub-1:48. My PR going into the race was a 1:49:26, set last January in Houston. Breaking 1:48 was a pretty lofty goal, much like my hopes to run a 3:45 marathon, but nonetheless, I wrote out a pacing plan just in case the day was going well for me.

My first mile was supposed to be an 8:45. After a very slow first couple minutes (hold up.....let me interrupt this blog post to bitch for just a second. WHAT IN THE HECK in up with people who line up with a certain pace group when they have zero intention of running that pace? I lined up between the 1:50 and 1:55 pace group, off to the side, because that aligned pretty closely with how I wanted to start the race. Almost immediately, I was stuck behind people running AT LEAST a minute per mile slower than that, people who started walking within 90 seconds of the start, and I was on the far right side intentionally so I didn't hold anyone back myself. It is by far one of the biggest pet peeves I have at race starts. It's just disrespectful to not place yourself properly so as to not impede other runners. OK, rant over...).....I noticed that the pace was about 9:30, so much slower that what I wanted to be running. I maneuvered around a couple people and picked up the pace to what I thought felt more like an 8:30-ish, hoping to still salvage an 8:45 mile.

Mile 1: 8:33 (well, that's nice because no way did I think I was running fast enough to have hit 8:33)

I maintained the pace I was running, and it felt pretty good. Like, way better than I expected to feel. Still early, but I was taking it as a good sign.

Mile 2: 8:08 (had planned to run a couple of miles at 8:30, so I knew this was probably a bit much)

Slowed it down a bit and ran Miles 3 and 4 in 8:10 and 8:08 (so I TOTALLY didn't actually slow down).

So at this point, I'm four miles in and over a minute under my goal time at that checkpoint. DAMN. So for the next two miles, I really did slow it down a bit and give myself a breather.

Mile 5: 8:16
Mile 6: 8:13

Almost halfway done and I'm still feeling like this pace is completely doable. I felt so good considering my heart rate was solidly in Zone 4 and I was pushing threshold. Don't get me wrong, it was a hard pace to run, but my head just kept telling me to keep running hard and it would be fine. So I listened to my head.

At this point, we are running on a stretch of the course that nobody likes. Great Northern Blvd just sucks. It's over a mile long, runs along a freeway, and it just boring as hell. There were more spectators that I expected, so that was a boost, plus I'm used to running it in the opposite direction as I did when I ran the Austin Marathon five times. This direction felt much better. I must've still wanted to get it over with because I ran Mile 7 in 8:02.

This is the point where my head started doing math. I was averaging 8:13 according to my Garmin, but I was a few seconds off from the mile markers due to some turns early in the race. Still, my pace was in line with my stretch goal and it was a pace I felt I could keep running. I was way under my personal best pace. Even if I ran around 8:25-8:30, I could still break my PR. But I was going to try to click off miles as low in the 8's as I possibly could.

I never looked at my lap (current mile) pace during the race. I was running by feel and just trying to get into a rhythm. It was working very well.

Mile 8: 8:04
Mile 9: 8:09
Mile 10: 8:12 (if memory serves me correctly, there was an uphill stretch here)

Now, with a 5K to go, I knew this race was going to be really really good. I only needed a 27 minute final 5k to break my PR and I was hoping for more like 25 minutes.

The hills come in the last couple miles of this race and if you're not careful, they can kick your butt and take away all your gains. As I approached each one, I just focused on the fact that they were short hills and there was a downhill after each one, plus that I really was almost done with the race. We were running through UT campus and I was loving it. The steepest hill comes with only about a half mile left in the race, so once you are done with that, it's smooth sailing to the finish.

Mile 11: 8:12
Mile 12: 8:08 (those hills! Was really hoping for sub-8)
Mile 13: 8:03 (and still no sub-8)
Last .19: 1:29

Making that last turn with about 2/10ths of a mile to go and seeing the finish line was so awesome!  I didn't have any kind of finish kick, and ran that last section at 7:43 pace. I crossed the finish line just barely breaking 1:48.

1:47:49!

The husband ran a personal best of 1:38:07!

I was so thrilled with this race! My hamstring didn't hurt much and my heel with mild tendonitis didn't hurt at all (it yelled at me the next day, though). I'm so glad I made the choice to run this race.

I learned a couple things about myself during this race.

1. I'm getting better and better at figuring out when to back off pace and when to push it. The half marathon distance is perfect for being fearless and not foolish, just long enough to test you but not long enough to totally destroy you. Because I couldn't speed up much heading to the finish line, I know that I didn't hold back during the race. I ran my best and didn't have a final burst of energy that I failed to leave out on the course. I think this is awesome because it tells me I ran hard.

2. I wasn't crazy to think I could qualify for Boston at CIM in December. I had the fitness that day, I just didn't get the weather I needed. Had it been like 3M weather, I have no doubt I would've hit my goal. It was a gratifying realization.

3. It's easy to get caught up in age. I turned 46 four days before this race, and at that age I think a lot of people believe personal best times could be a thing of the past. It never occurred to me that my age was a factor. I still don't think it is, and I'm glad I'm not letting it control me. Sure, it's going to come into play sooner rather than later, but until then I still want to see how fast I can get.

So what's next for me?

On March 1, I will be running the Atlanta Half Marathon, which takes place the day after the Olympic Marathon Trials. I am excited to see the Trials, especially since my husband is coming with me. He and I are both running the half, and he gets to run with Meb, who is the 1:40 pacer. I'm just planning on running hard but not too hard. I don't feel the need to shoot for another PR, especially since that course is very hilly. I'm going to enjoy the experience of my first visit to Atlanta.

March to June will include just one other race so far, a 10K trail race the last weekend in March. Then I'm going to just enjoy running because I love it, and I'm going to keep up my base mileage, running mostly easy, but still with a good bit of volume.

June 10 is the official start of my Chicago Marathon Training. Running through the summer months at a high volume is daunting, no doubt. But I know how to adjust for the weather and I know how to be disciplined with hydration and rest. It will be interesting, regardless. I'm pretty excited that my husband is also running this race. I'm going to train differently this time around and use the Hanson's Marathon Method. It's an 18 week program that has you running about 45-65 miles per week, 6 days a week, with your max long run at 16 miles. There's a lot of data to back up the cumulative fatigue theory behind the plan, so I'm all in on trying it out. Plus, I'm happy with the volume on this plan....it's high, but not overwhelming.

With Chicago being on October 11, it means that I have the entire winter race season open and I've been thinking a lot about how I want to approach it. I could run a second marathon, and having a backup is probably not a bad idea. I've been wanting to go back to Biloxi and run the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon again, so right now that's my top pick for a second marathon. It's flat, fast, straight, and beautiful. I'm still avoiding Texas marathons and enjoying looking at other destinations for now.

Dang, I had a lot to say.

First race of the year....maybe?

I've been laying a little low this week (well, except for birthday shenanigans, of which there weren't many because #old). On Monday of this week, I noticed a definite issue with my left hamstring. I find it weird that all of a sudden my body is deciding that instead of my right side harboring all my physical issues, now it's my left side. Overcompensation? Probably.

Anyway, my hamstring was very sore and tight and I honestly don't know why. I was pulling weeds over the weekend and therefore doing a lot of squatting, but it was only my left side that was sore so I'm not sure that was even why.

I ran a few easy miles Tuesday and it didn't feel any worse, but also not any better. A lot of trigger point, foam rolling, using the Stick, slathering on anti-inflammatory cream....I pulled out all my tricks. I had a deep tissue massage on Wednesday and the massage therapist (Cassandra at Renew Med Spa is THE BEST EVER) worked for a really long time on the hamstring. She noted that there wasn't tightness at the insertion point, so that was a big positive. She did, however, note that I seemed to be dehydrated and needed to remedy that right away. I felt substantially better by Wednesday evening.

It's now Friday and the soreness has definitely dissipated, and I've barely run this week (only an easy 3 miles yesterday after Monday's and Tuesday's easy runs). I'm continuing my self-care on the area and hydrating has been kicked up a bunch of notches. You could say I'm very well rested, that's for sure.

Race day is Sunday.

After my hamstring injury 16 months ago, I'm extremely cautious when it comes to tightness in that area. It takes forever for hamstring tears and sprains to heal and the last thing I feel like dealing with is another big problem that takes away running therapy. I know I'm in shape to run well on Sunday, quite likely a personal best, and the weather couldn't be more perfect - 40ish, dry air, and a 10mph tailwind on a slight downhill course. All the other stars are aligning for a great race, so to have any kind of potential issue is worrisome.

However, this isn't an A race or anything like that for me. I haven't raced this course since 2013 and since my husband is racing, I thought it would be fun to do so as well and see if I could pull off a PR (1:49:26). But I'm not very invested in it. Not sure if this is a good attitude to have or not!

I knew on Tuesday that whether or not I race will likely be a Sunday morning last minute call. I am not going to run unless I can REALLY RUN. I would rather have a DNS than just run an easy long run. It would irritate the crap out of me to hold back during the race for fear of hurting myself, so unless I'm comfortable running 8:15 miles, I'm not going to run at all.

There's always a lot of talk about how a DNF (did not finish) isn't as bad as a DNS (did not start), but frankly I think that's total bullshit. If I start this race and hurt myself and can't finish and therefore can't run for a few weeks, that's pretty foolish if I could have just bowed out gracefully and planned to run a different race down the road. To have the foresight to back out of a race to avoid injury seems way smarter to me than to be stubborn and force myself to "just try." I have a friend who has been working on finishing marathons in all fifty states. A few months ago, she chose, literally at the last possible minute, to not start a race, even though she had traveled far to race it, because she knew she couldn't give her best that day ("best" being a good attitude and gratitude for being able to run 26.2 miles time and time again, and not necessarily a fast time...after all, running several marathons a year means you don't race hard in all of them). She had slogged through a different marathon not long before this one and it pissed her off to no end afterwards to have failed to find happiness and satisfaction during the race and to her, it felt like she disrespected the distance. So when she knew she couldn't give her best again, she did the right thing for her and stepped away (she ended up going back to that state and made up for it and is actually finishing state #50 this weekend!). I totally get what she's saying. In my case, racing with a potential physical problem when it's not my A race just seems foolish and it's not what would make me happy.

Either I'm all in or all out. And I refuse to be disappointed by that.

So Sunday morning will arrive, and will I be at the starting line? I sure as hell hope so, because I'm honestly excited to see if I can get a personal best, but I'll listen to my gut and do what's right.

Why do I love this?

I know that people probably don't understand me, and why I'm passionate about certain things, why certain things are really important to me.

And that's fine.

The beauty in our world lies in our uniqueness. If we were all alike, it would be pretty boring and we'd never learn anything new. So it's okay to not understand me, or not share my passions, or even care about my passions.

But I still like to talk about them. I still like to share them. As a matter of fact, I LOVE talking about what's important to me and why.

Finding out that I truly loved the journey of training for and running marathons was a huge surprise to me. If you had told me 15 years ago that I would be doing this as a hobby and a form of staying healthy and fit, I'd have laughed at you. I hated running, or so I thought.

Funny how when you give something weird or different a chance, you find out so much about yourself that you never even knew or understood.

First, it's always been important to me to be healthy. I have had fits and starts but for the most part, I've always taken very good care of myself. I want to be that 75 year old grandma who doesn't slow down or need assistance to do anything. I don't want my age or health to take control of me, ever. So it's really no surprise that I found a routine that works for me and keeps me healthy. It's not just running....I also make sure my nutrition is 95% good. What you put in your body is vitally important to health, just as exercise, as we all know. If it wasn't running, it certainly could've been something else equally good for me.

So why running? Well, it was easy to get started, it was easy to find running partners, and there were races all over the place to keep me motivated. It didn't cost a lot of money or require any fancy equipment or gym memberships. It was natural. We were meant to run and move our bodies.

Over the past 12 years, running has certainly evolved for me. After my sister passed away from obesity-related complications of flu and lupus in 2009, it spurred me on even more to remain healthy and inspire others to be healthy. It hurts deeply to see so many people in this world be flippant with their health. That would never be me, and I wanted to show others that it didn't have to be them either.

I learned as much as I could about running and proper training. I started running marathons in 2009 but it was more as a hobby and I didn't really push myself much to get better at it. I was much more successful at shorter distances, winning age group awards here and there, but I was very fearful of racing a marathon. "Jogging" one was much less daunting and for the majority of my 12 marathons up to 2017, that's what I did. I "jogged" them. Oh but trust me, they hurt regardless, however.

Well, I frankly got sick and tired of allowing my fear to take over and keep me from taking the marathon distance seriously. I also had allowed some other medical issues to wreak havoc on my wellbeing and in 2017 I was done with that crap. Things were changing.

Enter this crazy plan I hatched to qualify for the Boston Marathon. What a perfect way to face my fear head on. A perfect way to find out just how tough I was, how I could cultivate discipline and confidence and commitment that would hopefully spill out into other parts of my life.

Trying to get better....scratch that....trying to get GOOD at the marathon distance became my passion.

Now, "good" is relative. Boston qualifying standards are relative to your age and gender, so as a soon-to-be 45 year old woman, I had the benefit (I like to think of it as benefit) of having a reasonable qualifying standard of 3:55 (at the time, but has since changed to 3:50 for 2020). That's 8:58 pace. Not a scary pace for me normally, but scary as hell for 26.2 miles straight.

There were so many stressors in other areas of my life that often threatened to take me down. My daughter has gone through years of mental health hell, my son is a genius who lacks discipline, the country is full of people acting out in childish ways against each other, and I was getting burned out by all of it. Finding something that I could put my laser focus on, that would make me feel fantastic about myself, of which I could be in control, seemed ideal. Finding a newfound confidence in something I was fearful of was bound to help me in all other areas of my life.

This passion was sure making a whole lot of sense to me!

So therefore, the Boston Marathon, and being able to run it in 2019, became so important to me. But like with most things in life, it didn't exactly go as planned. I qualified in my 13th marathon....sort of. If the course hadn't been mismarked, it would've been an official qualification. But since it was not, I had to do everything in my power to put that aside and try again. Talk about FEAR. But I did and by a whole lot of luck, I was on the winning side of the nasty 4:52-under-BQ cut off.

I got to run the Boston Marathon and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be.

Boston is not a big deal at all for so many people. Pretty much every time they toe the line at a marathon, they qualify and it's relatively easy for them. There are a lot of people out there who don't know anything BUT a BQ, it's that "easy" for them. So getting into Boston is an annual thing for them. Year after year. Those people are beasts. Some understand how lucky they are, some blow it off as no big deal and don't get why people put so much energy into it.

That is not me at all. Just because I've made it there once does not guarantee I'll do it again. I certainly didn't come close to a qualifying time at Boston this year. I was what you would call a "squeaker." A BQ is the exception, not the rule, for me.

And that's why it's so important to me, why it was such a big deal to me that I got to run that race, why I will use that standard every time I run a marathon. It's HARD for me to run a 3:50. It's not a given. It's something I have to work hard for and fight for with every step, making it that much sweeter and more rewarding when it happens.

So when you think I'm out of my mind for making this one race so important, understand that it's not just about running a marathon. It's about facing my fears, cultivating discipline, becoming a better version of me, never taking health for granted, overcoming obstacles, and developing mental and physical strength that transcends the marathon.

That is why I love this distance. It's simply perfect for me.

Being our own worst enemy + Training update

There's something about writing on this blog that I find so therapeutic and helpful, particularly during training. Life throws a lot of curveballs, and my mind isn't exactly the most reliable when it comes to navigating through things...I often don't cope well. But as I'm training, my mind sometimes works a million miles an hour, and I like to get those thoughts out on the blog as often as I can. Looking back at old posts during each cycle can definitely give me new insights and motivations to keep working harder, and this often translates to how I deal with other areas of my life. It's a pretty big win for me.

One topic I've been thinking so much about....probably because I struggled with it in the past pretty often....is how we sabotage ourselves.

There are so many things that can derail training...illness, weather, emergencies...but after 11 years of doing this marathon thing, what I have found is that the biggest obstacle to a great training cycle is OURSELVES.

We are truly our own worst enemies.

When you sign up for a race, you have made a big commitment. Sometimes it seems a bit overwhelming, particularly if it's a long distance race like a marathon or Ironman. But you succeeded at the first step of committing.

After securing a coach and/or a training plan, obtaining the proper equipment, and taking a deep breath, it's time to dive into training. 

And then the excuses begin, right?

Why did I think I could do this?

I'm not fit enough.

The weather sucks.

I feel like crap.

I overslept.

Why did I eat that? 

I'm so slow.

I'm sore.

With the exception of the weather conditions (let's face it, we live in Texas and the weather will always be a crapshoot), we are in control of all those other excuses and hindrances to good training.

Yes, you can do it. If you train properly.

Yes, you will be fit enough. If you train properly.

The weather sucks but so what? Race day might bring the same kind of weather. 

Of course you feel like crap. You're human. Unless you're truly sick, get out there and try.

So you forgot to set it or you turned off your alarm instead of getting out of bed like you committed to. Either get out there now or commit to an afternoon or evening workout. Oversleeping doesn't get you out of training.

Why DID you eat that if you knew it would make you sluggish? Some foods are delicious, sure, but they will definitely work against you sometimes. So skip it. You won't die.

The only person who cares about your pace is you. I wish I was a 6 minute miler, too, but unless it's for a half mile, I'm just not and nobody cares. No matter our pace, we can get out there and compete and enjoy ourselves. Also? If you train right, you'll get faster.

Of course you're sore. You're in training. But the better you train, the less likely you'll be sore after a hard workout. Or you can just do a recovery workout. But get out there anyway.

I have probably used all these excuses and then some over the years. But two years ago I told myself to stop sabotaging my training.

Did I commit to a plan? Well, then I'm sticking to it (unless sick or dealing with an emergency, of course).

Unless there's lightning or dangerous ice, I'll be out there training...or at the gym. I have options.

Sometimes I'm going to wake up not at all wanting to train, but I will still get up and do my best and 9 out of 10 times, I feel a million times better when I'm done.

If I oversleep or choose to stay in bed, I know that it might mess me up for that training day if I don't commit to doing the workout later in the day. But I also know that my training is structured in a certain way and messing with it too much is a disservice to me and could bite me in the ass.

Do I want the chocolate cake? Sure I do! But I also know there are other healthy sweet options that will curb my sweet tooth and not work against me. It's possible to say no to sweets and foods that don't allow you to perform at your best, I promise you, and it's really not that big of deal and you won't really miss them much.

As for speed, well.....I'm really only competing with myself. I've done the research on how to improve my speed and I know it doesn't happen overnight. Chipping away at it every day will reap huge rewards later, so I know I just need to hang in there and show up everyday. The speed will come and there's no use whining about it today (I might still whine, though).

Sometimes after a really tough workout, I am sore. Like very sore. That doesn't get me out of my workout today or tomorrow. Chances are, it will help me to be LESS sore. So I stop whining (mostly) and I get to work.

It's easy to let the negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. We are human. But we must train our minds to focus on what we CAN do and not where we are lacking. There are far more variables within our control than there are left up to chance. Focus on that! Control what you can!

When I was frustrated and fed up with years of bad races, I vowed to pull myself out of it. I looked at everything I could control: my nutrition, my medications, my schedule (to a point, of course...life happens and I get that), my attitude, my priorities, my strengths. And I got to work. Every time I had a win (whether it was one pound or inch lost, a healthy snack I chose, a faster interval workout, better heart rate data on a run, a better night's sleep, picking up a heavier weight at the gym)....I celebrated it, since every little win was a positive and an improvement. It did me no good to dwell on the negatives or the things out of my control. It's HARD to shut that off, but over time you CAN do that.

When I got injured in September, it messed with my head BIG TIME. When I was able to get back to training I had lost a lot of fitness and had missed two races. But if I chose to complain about it everyday versus plugging away workout by workout, I never would have been able to get to where I was on my January 20 race day, where I shaved two minutes off a six year-old half marathon PR. And now, seven weeks from my next marathon, I'm seeing my hard work paying off little by little. I get out there everyday and do my prescribed workout, and on rest days I relish in the relaxation while my body gets stronger.

It all comes together when we choose to stop sabotaging our efforts.

Even after my half marathon, I had a few doubts creeping in on whether or not I'd be BQ ready for Boston, even though my race time translated to being on the cusp. But that race was very, very hard for me. I don't think even my BQ marathon felt that hard. I needed to get away from this mindset. I needed to have a few breakthrough workouts so I could see a glimpse of what was possible.

That's exactly what has happened. My last three interval workouts have been some of my best ever. I've averaging in the low-7's for 3-4 miles of intervals and I'm feeling great. My recovery intervals are mostly all jogging rather than big chunks of walking, and my VO2 max has climbed after being somewhat stagnant for a few weeks. All of this is happening during a 200 mile month, which is A LOT of miles for me.

I have my first 20 miler of the cycle this weekend and I'm looking forward to seeing how I feel. It's just a simple easy pace run, no workout built into it, so the pressure of pace is off. I'm focusing strictly on perceived effort and trying to dial in a comfortable pace.

I'm also finding that with this increase in mileage, I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. I ate three lunches today, for crying out loud! I am at my racing weight and know that I need to up my calories so I don't lose anymore weight. Just a terrible problem to have, right?

53 more days.

13.1 Mile Pain Cave

It's been a really long time since I've attempted to PR in the half marathon. My best time comes from the 3M half marathon back in January 2013. I ran it in 1:51:36 and it was a fantastic race day for me, with cold temps and a tailwind on a net downhill course. After running a 3:49 marathon last year, I knew that it was time to go for a better half marathon time, especially since the second half of my last two marathons has been around 1:54.

I had hoped to run my next half in October '18 in Houston, but injury prevented that from happening. Instead I'd be running a Houston Half in January, one that I had run before. It's a big race, a fast course, and probably the most well organized race I've done. I was looking forward to it!

Because of the injury back in September, I only ran 29 miles into October. I managed to have good training months in November and December, but I was wary of a lot of speed work. Not exactly a high volume few months of training prior to my attempt, but it was all I had so I did my best. Honestly, I was questioning whether I had gotten into good enough shape. I not only wanted to run a new PR, I really wanted to break 1:50. That would require an 8:23 pace, and based on how my tempo runs had felt, I knew holding that pace for 13 miles was going to be tough for me. But I had to try!

If there's one thing I've learned in the last 18 months, is that I am stronger than my brain thinks I am, and I can often push myself pretty hard. I figured the worst thing that could happen was I'd slow down towards the end, but I needed to do my best to lock into a fast pace and hold on as long as I could.

My friend and teammate Drew was supposed to run the full marathon, but decided to downgrade to the half and didn't feel comfortable racing it as he felt he had not put in adequate training leading up to the race. He knew how badly I wanted to run a good race, and since 1:50 is a fairly easy pace for him, he offered to run with me. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I knew he'd yell at me to keep up with him and it would probably be what I needed in those last miles.

I arrived in Houston nice and early on Saturday and headed right for the expo to browse. I love the expo at this race. I was by myself, which is weird for me, but a few of my friends had bailed out of the race and the others were coming to Houston later in the day. While I was browsing the booths, there was an announcement that Meb Kefleghizi would be signing at the Aramco booth, so I hightailed it over there and figured I'd get in line and have him sign my bib. I have never met Meb but he's been a huge inspiration to me over the years and I credit his outlook on life and willingness to share his journey with us as part of the reason that I love to run. He has so much joy about it, and his win at Boston in 2014 is one of my favorite running highlights of all time.

Getting to chat with him for a few minutes was just AMAZING. He's so sweet and he thought it was pretty cool it was my birthday. I told him he inspired me to try to get to Boston and that my husband and I were going to both be running it. He signed my bib and wished me well on getting a PR on my birthday. Also, I can't believe I'm shorter than him....the dude is tiny!

A little bit of rest at the hotel and dinner with my friends, where we enjoyed some great food and wine and discussed race strategy, and then it was time to sleep. I was freaking nervous as hell.

Race morning was COLD. 32 degrees out with 10 mph winds made it feel like 26 degrees. I was bundled up okay, but it was just cold out. I don't know what the deal is with my long distance races being freezing, but my last three have started out below freezing. Better than it being warm, I suppose!

My friends and I lined up by the 8:30 pace people in the corral. Along with Drew, I was starting the race with Amit and Melody, who were both registered for the full. We all planned to run about the same pace, so running together until the split right before 8 miles seemed like a pretty good plan.

The start was so crowded. Even though we were in the first corral, we were pretty far back in it and there were so many people to get through. Instead of weaving, however, I just tried to be patient. Unfortunately because it's Houston and there are so many tall buildings, the GPS is not reliable for that first part of the race. We were right by the 3:35 marathon pacer, so I assumed we were probably running a decent pace. I wanted to be around 8:40-8:50. When my watch beeped at the mile 1 sign and said 9:11, I was slightly freaked out. It felt like a sub-9 mile....that can't be good.

I immediately sped up and got into a more difficult pace and my watch was registering that lap as around 8:30 average pace. Much better. We ended up running Mile 2 in 8:25. Back on track, because I had expected to be at about 17:30 after two miles. My plan was to increase my speed slowly in the first few miles and then lock into a pace just under 8:20 to hold for as long as possible, and then hopefully surge in the last 3 miles. I like to run negative splits in a longer race, and because there was no room for a real warm up before this race, I knew running a negative split would be best for me. I needed those first few miles to ease into a good pace.

BUT....that's not exactly how we did it. I sped up in Mile 3 a bit more than I thought I had and it clocked in at 8:16. Okay, well now the plan was to NOT SLOW DOWN. Hold as many miles at that pace or faster as I could.

The 5K split came up at 26:58, pretty much right where I wanted to be. That first mile wasn't going to totally mess me up after all. The first half wasn't particularly easy for me, but it was good enough to not completely freak me out. The 10K was in 52:42, still on target. I had run mile 6 too fast (at 8:06) so I eased off in mile 7 and ran 8:21.

One of the most humbling parts about this race was to witness the participation of athletes with disabilities. On two occasions we were passed by guided athletes. And by passed, I mean that they FLEW by us. One gentleman was an amputee. The other was blind and deaf...yes, blind AND deaf. Just imagine that for a moment. I remember thinking that if these guys refused to let their physical limitations hold them back, then I certainly could suck it up and perform at my very best.

Less than a 10K to go at this point. I was still running with Amit and Drew, but we hadn't seen Melody since those first couple miles. Amit kept looking back for her, but didn't see her. He made the decision before the split for the full and half runners to just stay with us and DQ his marathon race. He wasn't prepared as well as he had hoped for the distance and he was enjoying running with us. I think if he'd seen Melody he may have stuck with her, however. We come to find out after the race that she was a few seconds behind us the whole time!

So, if I were to be honest with myself, I was starting to freak out a little after 7 miles. I was at about 8:25 average pace, so well on my way to breaking 1:50 if I didn't implode. But I did NOT feel great. This pace was tough and the fitness I lost while injured was obvious to me. It was still the fastest 7 miles I had ever run, so I did take joy in that.

I thought about a lot of different things in order to tap into some mental toughness. The pace wasn't so hard that I couldn't keep running it, but I had to shut my doubts off so my body wouldn't give into them. I thought about the last miles of my BQ marathons, and how I remained strong despite running paces I had never run at that distance. I thought about how it really wasn't very many more miles that I needed to run, and that I was well over halfway done. I thought about the hot coffee at the finish and the hot shower I couldn't wait to take. Miles were still coming in at 8:15 range, like clockwork. As a matter of fact, my second and third 5K splits were identical, at 25:45.

Drew and Amit were doing a fantastic job of chatting with me, of building me up, of reminding me I was going to PR, and all the things great friends and pacers do to keep a runner on target. I honestly don't think I'd be running 8:15 miles if it weren't for them.

During miles 9 and 10, we had to turn into a cold headwind, but I was expecting it, and Drew reminded me that I was entering what would be the hardest part of the race and that I couldn't slow down. He just needed me to hold on for another 30 minutes and I'd blow my PR out of the water. All I could think was CRAP, another 30 minutes of this? Good grief, this was HARD.

I think miles 9-11 were probably the most difficult of this entire race. But then when you hit 11 miles, you turn east and head towards downtown and the finish. It goes by fast, and it's ONLY two more miles. 16-17 more minutes. I could do this for another 16 minutes. I could even slow down a little and still break 1:50, and I most definitely could PR. So I got a little excited once we passed the 11 mile marker.

I thought I was possibly slowing down but I focused solely on staying right next to Drew and letting him pull me into a fast enough pace. Mile 12 came in at 8:06, so somehow I had sped up. Drew shouted to me with a lot of excitement that I had sped up and that was awesome. Dude is a fantastic cheerleader. He missed his calling.

With only 1.1 miles to go, less than 2 kilometers, I really had nothing to lose but completely give into the pain cave and run my damn heart out. Only, what I hoped would be more like a 7:30-7:40 final mile wasn't really happening. I tried to speed up, but I didn't really feel like I was speeding up a whole lot. Because we were now entering the heart of downtown, I couldn't rely on the GPS pace, but rather just had to look at my watch at the mile marker. At the 20K marker, I was at 1:44:07. We had run the 4th 5K in 25:41...talk about consistent! I knew that if I was at 1:44 at the 20K point, then I would break 1:50. I could not slow down at all now. My watch beeped before the 13 mile marker (but we had added some distance on over the course of the race, close to a 10th of a mile, so I knew my miles were not exact to the course miles). It showed an 8:01. A part of me was slightly peeved that I was that close to a sub-8, but I also knew that it probably wasn't particularly accurate in downtown.

Regardless, it was only a small distance to run at this point. I ran as fast as I could and managed to squeak out a 6:59 final pace over the last 0.19 miles (according to my GPS). The last 1.1 kilometers of the race was officially in 7:49 pace.

I crossed the finish line with a time of 1:49:26. Our tangent running was pretty decent, with my Garmin showing a distance of 13.19. A half marathon in 1:49:26 is an 8:21 pace overall. I had beat my 6 year-old PR by 2:10!

I was beaten up, though! This race definitely tested my physical strength and mental strength. To feel like it was that difficult with 10K to go was a hard feeling to shake. When my quads started feeling sore at 15K, it made it even harder to keep up the pace. Thank God for the second wind when we made the turn at 11 miles. It wasn't easier to run, but my mind became sharper and more focused. The screaming crowds in the last kilometer made it a bit easier as well. Houston crowds are AWESOME.

I'm a stats geek, and I love to see how I place amongst my competitors. I am so pleased with my placing in Houston, considering it attracts a lot of serious talent.

Meeting my goal feels so fantastic, and it gives me an idea of where I'm at with regards to Boston Marathon training. I think my 1:49 shows me right at BQ shape provided I continue to run well and at high volume in training. I'd love to say that I'm easily in BQ shape, but I'm not there yet. This race also gives me a better idea of where my training paces should be right now. I got right back into it this week with a lot of easy paced miles. It was a bit of awkward running on Tuesday, my first run back, because of my fatigue but my legs felt much better after working out the lactic acid. I ended up with nearly 40 miles this week, all easy paced, but my 16 miler Sunday was the longest distance since September and I ran much of it under 9:45 pace while still keeping the effort low. That's a great sign a week after an all-out half marathon effort!

Boston is only 11 weeks away now, so my build will be starting soon. I'm feeling pretty great!

The ridiculous journey to Boston

I need to play catch up on the journey to Boston story. For those who don't know the whole, long, ridiculous, exhausting story, here are the previous blog entries that pretty much tell it:

My first attempt at a BQ....not so fast!!

My second, successful attempt at a BQ

My husband's crazy idea

My husband's crazy marathon and BQ

The Boston cut-off

So yeah....in a nutshell:

• I qualified for Boston a mismarked course, so no official BQ for me
• I legitimately qualified again 5 weeks later on a perfectly marked course, with 5:07 to spare
• Husband decides to run his FIRST marathon just so he can qualify and run with me in Boston
• He crushes his first marathon, getting a BQ with 4:43 to spare
• Oh, crap, the cut off was 4:52. He missed actually getting into Boston by 9 seconds. 

And then that same week we got that crap news, I injured my hamstring. It was a shit show of a week.

Thankfully, I'm back up and running, and just crushed a personal best in the half marathon in Houston last weekend (race recap soon!).

So, not only did I get a PR this past week, but it was also my birthday on the 15th and on that same day, the husband got the BEST NEWS EVER.

He would run the Boston Marathon after all. He works for Dell EMC and they get several sponsor bibs in conjunction with raising money for a local Hopkinton charity called the Michael Lisnow Respite Center. You can read about this incredible charity HERE. Not only that, but because he is a Boston Qualifier, he gets to use that time to be seeded in the first waves (likely the second one) rather than being put in the charity runner wave, meaning that I wouldn't have to move back in order to run with him. He could come back to my wave (likely the third) and run with me around others with my same speed.

This is not how I would have wanted to write my Boston Marathon story, but it sure makes for a good story, doesn't it? I think it's pretty spectacular that not only does the husband get to run after all, but he also gets to raise money for a charity that Dell EMC has been in partnership for many many years. I really encourage you to read more about it in the link above.

Also, if you are so inclined, we'd love for you to consider a donation to help support the charity, and us in our quest to spend our 20th anniversary together running the oldest marathon in the world!

Click here to donate to the Michael Lisnow Respite Center

79 more days!!

Getting back to normal

It's been over 3 months since I hurt myself. I was supposed to run California International Marathon last month, and I'm pretty damn bummed out. The weather, of course, was perfect and I think I could've run a PR race and secured a 2020 BQ. But alas, I had to skip it. I deferred it to next year and am already looking forward to it. I'm slowly working my voodoo magic to get Greg to commit to running it with me.

So where am I now?

Getting back to normal! It was a slow mileage buildup and I'm finally no longer wary of speed. I'm busting my butt as much as I can to get back into shape while still being cognizant of my hamstring. It'll be awhile before I'm back to pre-injury cardiovascular endurance shape, but I will get there. I closed out November with 113 miles and December with 152 miles. Those are pretty big numbers considering I only ran 29 miles in October. December was my third highest mileage month of 2018. I'm up to 40 weekly running miles, with 5 or 6 days of running. Considering I used to top out around 40-45 miles for marathons a few years ago, I'd say I'm doing well with 14 weeks of training to go. In my peak week I'll be at 60 miles, which is plenty for me.

In a little over two weeks I will be running my first half marathon since 2017 and the first time in six years that I will legitimately try to run a personal best. I had hoped to PR during my 2017-2018 marathon training cycle, but bad weather convinced me to turn a planned race into a good training run. Houston is usually pretty good on weather in January so I'm hoping for the same. It will also be my first race in my new 45-49 age group!

As the Boston Marathon gets closer, I'm getting more and more excited. A very close friend of mine who was my running buddy until she moved to the Boston suburbs is going to be running it as well. I'm hoping for some pre-race Athlete Village shenanigans before the super fun sufferfest begins. Yes, I said "super fun sufferfest." It's a thing and people like us love it. I even bought my very first Boston 2019 running gear.

This coming Sunday will be my longest training run since September, at 15 miles. This past Sunday I ran 14 miles with 5 of them at marathon pace. My pace miles were not as speedy as I had hoped, but they were still close to BQ pace, I felt great so I didn't push it any harder, I ran them in one 5 mile set, and considering I was running in 35 degree drizzle, I'm quite happy that I managed a solid training run at my longest distance in this new training cycle. It helped that the husband met me at mile 8 to run the remaining miles with me.

On the non-running front, I've been reflecting a lot on 2018 and how it differed from 2017. I felt a lot more peace this past year than I have in a long time. My daughter, who has battled depression and anxiety and has been in treatment for three years, seems to have turned a big corner. She will be turning 14 next month, and with that maturity and a change in schools for 8th grade, she seems much happier with herself. She has a newfound confidence that is beautiful to witness. She has learned to play the violin and ukelele, has been singing a lot, is continuing her incredible journey as a talented artist, and is enjoying her theater class. Her talents in the arts really blow me away and I'm thrilled she has found the right outlets to gain confidence in herself. It hasn't been perfect. As anyone who battles mental illness, it's not linear. There are ups and downs and really terrible days. But overall, upon reflecting on the year as a whole, I'd say she's made great strides.

As for me, as I alluded to in my last blog post, my eyes have been opened to many things that I was previously trying to bury because I just couldn't deal well with them. I have a new confidence in myself similar to my daughter's. I am more in tune with protecting my happiness and what that entails. I have let go of so much negativity and it's a refreshing change. My relationship with my husband of nearly 20 years has grown and as we enter this milestone year, I feel more than ever that we are on the right page with our values and our future dreams. Learning to live with someone and committing to that for a lifetime, despite ups and downs and frustrations, is rare in today's world. He's my best friend and I'm going to keep him!

I am continuing to pursue the things that I love. Besides running, I am doing some home remodeling. My newest project is repainting my kitchen cabinets, a huge endeavour but one that is actually pretty fun to tackle. If I am going to continue to be the stay-at-home parent, then it's important that I find ways to be productive and save our family money, and I enjoy the challenge of teaching myself how to do this stuff well.

On the exercise front, I'm thankful that I found a good therapy outlet with running, as this works well for me to navigate life's stressors. I was talking to a friend yesterday about marathon training and how, while I prefer the half marathon distance, committing to 26.2 is better for my mental health. It requires a focus and commitment that is very different from 13.1. I enjoy the challenge, I prefer something that requires such a high level of commitment and focus, and that's why it's become my go-to distance these last couple years. There will always been something magical and exhilarating about completing a 3-hour training run and about crossing the finish line after racing 26.2 miles.

I've been constructing my race plans through 2020 and I think I'm in for a whole lot of fun. Besides Boston and CIM this year, I'm planning to attend the Olympic Marathon Trials in Atlanta next year. I watched them in Houston in 2012 and it was incredibly fun and inspiring to witness. I want to add another marathon besides Atlanta (it will be held the day after the Trials), and Chicago is on my mind. But I'm still open to other ideas for a fall race. I've run 10 Texas marathons, so at this point I prefer traveling to other parts of this beautiful country. There are so many great races and places to visit that I need to branch out and experience them!

So, on this 2nd day of 2019, I have a lot of hope, peace, and love. May it continue throughout the year for me, my family, and my loved ones.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

- Romans 15:13

I am my own coach...for now

Do I use a coach? I have had many people ask me this, and many people suggested I hire a coach when I talked about wanting to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

No, I don't use a coach. I am my own coach. I have all sorts of reasons for making this choice.

I have been coaching runners both professionally and as a volunteer for about 8 years. I became RRCA certified nearly six years ago and briefly had my own business. My volunteer duties with a local running club ended a few years ago but have been sporadically coaching runners on my triathlon team through our group workouts. I dissolved my business officially last year. I am a full time mom to two high needs teenagers and decided to dissolve my business and instead focus on their needs. Keeping the business did not seem necessary and I knew that down the road, I could always restart that career. The volunteer duties are at my discretion and that works well for me. I also spend some time advising friends on their running and goals and I always enjoy those talks.

I was an ok coach for a bit, and I was actually coached by others during my early marathon pursuits. But I remained a poor marathoner as compared to shorter distances. I absorbed all the knowledge from my RRCA course, tried to listen to others (good and bad advice, unfortunately), and continued to study training methods over the years. I went through a difficult couple of years medically that set me back in my marathon pursuits and took a couple years off from the distance.

In 2016 when my health started on an upswing and I felt like I could give the marathon distance another chance, I decided that I didn't just want to get better, but I wanted to become a good enough to go to Boston. Fortunately, for the 2019 race I'd be aging up and get another 10 minutes added to my qualifying standard, so my target timeframe became September 2017 to September 2018, the qualifying window for the 2019 Boston Marathon.

I had a lot of work to do. I had never taken heart rate training seriously, and few in my training circle had ever really suggested it. I vaguely had an idea of my training zones, but honestly wasn't comfortable with the idea of taking it as easy as the heart rate plans suggested. Training a minute or more over my marathon goal pace? That was a tough pill to swallow for my ego, even though I knew that was what I was "supposed" to do. What I always thought felt like easy pace was always too fast, and it took me a long time to realize this. Hence, why I was a crappy marathoner. When you are in big group settings and being pushed by others, it becomes very difficult to tune that out and do what you know is right for YOU. Having never been a runner until I was well into my 30's, I hadn't learned discipline yet and it took me forever to shut out the noise. Honestly, I needed to tune everything out and get into my own head, on my terms.

I didn't want to hire a coach. I wanted to do this on my own. I wanted to work around my own schedule, to be able to still train a couple times per week with my triathlon group, to analyze my own data without prying eyes, and frankly, I wanted to see if I could do it. I realize this sounds incredible stubborn, and I was incredibly stubborn.

Plus? Coaches are expensive and my family did not need another expense. Remember those high needs kids? One of them has needs that are quite expensive and that was way more important to me than anything else. I could coach myself for free, and I liked that.

If I failed, I'd suck it up and hire a coach.

In the meantime, I spent the rest of 2016 getting to know "heart rate training." It was a process and I was ok with it that first year. My body responded well, I had a good half marathon that October that told me I was going in the right direction. Unfortunately, I had not been able to completely control my asthma, and struggled in warm and humid weather considerably. My January 2017 marathon was very warm and humid and I had no choice but to take it easy during that race. I was very fearful of going into an asthma attack. But, I was happy with my race, although it was 40 minutes over what I would need later that year in order to qualify for Boston and 18 minutes over my PR set in 2014.

Meanwhile, I continued to read as much as I could, to pour over article upon article about training as smart as possible and adding in volume and getting my head right so I could believe I was capable of reaching a very crazy goal.

In April I changed up my diet and ended up losing 18 pounds by December, and 23 if you go back to my health issues from 2015. I was as lean as I'd ever been and stronger than I'd ever been. My asthma was being controlled better through some treatment changes on the advise of my doctor, and this was a really big deal.

I never relented in my pursuit and to do it ON MY TERMS. This isn't something that everyone can do. Many people need an accountability partner in order to stick to a plan AND I TOTALLY GET THAT. This was very hard on some days, and many times I wanted to just skip a run and sleep in, or to cheat on my nutrition plan, or not do that speed work. Many, many times I struggled.

But every time I looked in the mirror, and every time I analyzed my run data, I saw the vast improvement and it continued to spur me on to keep going.

I wrote a really tough training plan (for me). But I was disciplined when needing to run really easy, and frankly I started to love these easy runs. To not worry about hitting a certain pace felt so freeing to me. I didn't have to feel embarrassed at the time on my watch. It made sticking to the hard days a little bit easier and those hard days were getting better and stronger and I was getting much faster. I did leave one run per week in the hands of my triathlon club leader (on Tuesdays, we did either intervals or tempo runs) and she gave me the paces I needed to run. I sometimes thought she was crazy for saying I could run that fast, but her faith in me pushed me to do it. I'm not sure I would've had that same discipline without her. Christine remains a huge reason why my I developed my confidence.

I spent a lot of time working on my mental strength. While you do feel the physical effects of the distance as you enter your last hour of the race, most of the struggle truly is in your head. I knew that I needed to silence my doubt so I read as much as I could on the subject and felt much more mentally tough heading into my race season.

Writing my own training plan and being accountable to myself worked so well (thank God!) and I succeeded in my goal to qualify for Boston. My qualifying race gave me a 28 minute PR, and I ran it 46 minutes faster than the year before. I squeaked into Boston.

During this last year, I also ended up coaching my husband. He basically used the same plan that I had used, even though it was actually his first marathon. He wanted to BQ, too. He succeeded but unfortunately didn't make the cutoff to run Boston (9 damn seconds!!). This told me that how I was approaching training was working, that I had come up with a really good formula, and that I would stick to it.

I do believe that if I hadn't become injured (pulled muscle from strength training aggravating by interval running), I would have had a pretty good shot at setting a new PR at my planned December 2 marathon. I was running well through the summer, despite the horrid weather that just wouldn't go away. I tweaked the plan a bit to make it higher volume and a little more intense and I was getting through it, although there were definitely still times I wanted to sleep in instead of run. I'm very disappointed I had to pull the plug on my races and I'm basically starting over as I ease back into running after a four week layoff.

So there you have it. I am my own coach. I experimented with it and took a big chance that between my plan and my triathlon team leader's guidance, I could improve enough. Will I hire a coach in the future? Maybe! But right now, this works for me and I enjoy the challenge. We are all individuals and with different needs as runners, and what works for one person may be bad for another person. Only we can decide that for ourselves.

We make a great team!

The Process

I began this blog post last week and then decided to not post it until after I gained acceptance into the Boston Marathon. Well....

I AM IN!!

I got my confirmation of acceptance today and of course, immediately burst into tears. In the lead up to this morning, the Boston Athletic Association was making it really clear that it would be tougher than ever to get into the race.

Here's my post from last week:

*****

It's finally here...registration week!

I have lots of family and friends who are not runners, and I know the Boston Marathon process can seem pretty darn confusing. When I first started running, I had no idea you had to qualify to run it. And then I had no idea they had a charity program. And then they changed up all the rules a few years ago, and it got more confusing.

Qualifying doesn't necessarily get you into the race. You can check "Qualified for Boston" off your bucket list, but to secure a spot at the starting line, it can be tougher than that.

Back in 2012, Boston changed up the rules because the race was selling out so fast and some of the fastest runners out there weren't getting into the race. The qualifying standards got tougher, and they instituted a rolling registration schedule.

Currently the qualifying standards are as follows. They are based on gender and age group, and your qualifying time needed is based on your age on Boston Marathon race day.

MEN

18-34: 3:05
35-39: 3:10
40-44: 3:15
45-49: 3:25
50-54: 3:30
55-59: 3:40
60-64: 3:55
65-69: 4:10
70-74: 4:25
75-79: 4:40
80+: 4:55

WOMEN

18-34: 3:35
35-39: 3:40
40-44: 3:45
45-49: 3:55 <----that's me!
50-54: 4:00
55-59: 4:10
60-64: 4:25
65-69: 4:40
70-74: 4:55
75-59: 5:10
80+: 5:25

The qualifying window is typically 7-19 months prior to race day, mid-September to mid-September. Registration is in the September in the year prior to the race. The qualification window for the race will close when registration closes, so you can qualify right up until the last minute.

The registration process goes on for about 2.5 weeks. It is a rolling admission schedule, starting with the fastest qualifiers in his or her age group.

The first day of registration, in this case September 10, is for those who met their standard by 20 minutes or more. On the third day, September 12, it is opened up for those who met their standard by 10 minutes or more. On the fifth day, September 14, it is opened up for those who met their standard by 5 minutes or more. Each new group gets a chance to register provided the field size has not been met.

The second week of registration, starting on September 17, includes all qualifiers provided they reopen it. They will announce the evening of September 15 if they are reopening registration for all qualifiers. Then registration is typically open for a couple more days, and then they will announce if the field size has now been met and if they will be able to accept all qualifiers up to this point. With the exception of 2013, there have been too many applicants for the available spots and this is where it kind of sucks.

Because there are too many applicants, they have to determine where a cut-off needs to be. It's not first-come, first-serve, but rather based on how far under your qualifying time you were able to run. Last year was the strictest cut off since they began this new process, at 3 minutes, 23 seconds under your respective qualifying standard. So if you ran a 3:31:37 and you needed a 3:35 to qualify, you got in. But if you ran a 3:31:38, you did not. Pretty brutal!

It takes them over a week to determine what this cut off is going to be since it's based on how many register and who registers. I would imagine it's a nerve-wracking wait to find out if you are really getting in or if you'll have to try again next year.

I have a cushion of 5 minutes, 7 seconds, so I get to register on September 14. I will be on pins and needles waiting for the announcement on September 15 on if they will be reopening registrations for all qualifiers. If they do, then I know my cushion was big enough.

Greg has a cushion of 4 minutes, 43 seconds. So he has to wait until September 17 and will be one of those who is on pins and needles. However, I would imagine if they reopen, then that kind of cushion should be enough. You never know for sure until the announcement, but I think he'd be pretty safe.

I had an interesting road to my qualification. My first shot at it, at Mississippi Gulf Coast, ended in disappointment not because I didn't run fast enough, but because the course was mismarked and came up short. I calculated that had it been accurate I probably would've qualified with about a 4:10 cushion, not fast enough to avoid the dreaded wait. But because Boston is not accepting any times for that race, I had to run another qualifying time. I did that in Baton Rouge a few weeks later, and ended up with a bigger cushion that what I would've had in Mississippi. While at the time, the shock of a messed up course was agonizing after all that hard work and a great race, it could end up being a blessing in disguise. I honestly don't think I would've pushed as hard at the Louisiana Marathon knowing I had already qualified with over 4 minutes to spare. Or maybe I would've wanted that 5 minutes. I just don't know for certain. Instead, I HAD TO qualify to actually get the opportunity to apply to run Boston. Wouldn't it be crazy if the cut off is 4:15 or something like that? I'm not sure I would've been fast enough in Mississippi! That truly would've sucked.

So there you have it. The crazy Boston Marathon registration process.

They will also be indicating if there will be any changes to the qualification standards for future races. Will they toughen the standards again? Should they? I'm in the camp that thinks they should toughen the standards starting in 2021, particularly if it's a very large cut off again this year. But maybe it'll be smaller and they won't feel the need to tighten things. It certainly would give me a kick in the pants to push myself even harder in the coming years if I want to continue to qualify.

*****

And now....here we are on Monday, September 17, and they did reopen registration for all qualifiers, but they very clearly stated that they would only take a "small percentage" of Week 2 submissions. The cut off is going to be massive. Greg is sitting on a 4:43 under and he registered this morning. He will need to wait about 9 days to find out if it's enough. I think he'll be just fine and we will REALLY celebrate when he gets that email!