Welcome to 2025 and my year to TRUST

Every year I pick my theme for the year and do my best to live by it. I wasn't going to do that this year as I just wasn't feeling inspired to go that deep, or to even write. I haven't written on my blog in almost 5 months. 

It's been a confusing and trying few months for me.

And then of course the universe had other plans and for the past few days, I've been hit over the head with one word:

TRUST

The very first page of my new journal gifted
 to me by our church staff

Seen on Instagram right after the new year started

Seen on Instagram five minutes later

Fine then. TRUST it is! Thank you, Lord, for smacking me over the head with growth, opportunity, and a big spiritual lesson.

Last year I vowed to grow my faith so I could live life trusting God even when I couldn't see how things were going to work out. Well, apparently it wasn't enough and now we are going deeper and throwing a tough word at me for this year, because I pretty much failed to live up to my own standard in 2024.

Without going too deep into my past, my personal life, and my traumatic moments, let's just say that my trust has been tested dramatically in my lifetime. Therapy over the last few years, diving into scripture, understanding myself and my faith journey on deeper levels...all that has shaped my current feeling on TRUST and what that means in my personal relationships and in my relationship with God.

My conclusion in this last year is that I am a person who just DOESN'T trust easily. I used to be. WAY TOO MUCH. It bit me in the ass countless times, leading to deep wounds and deep trauma, so I did what any sane person would do and I completely shifted to the opposite side and question everyone's motives and everyone's words, wondering if they're completely full of crap. 

This isn't good. And it's not what God would want from me. There's a balance to be had in having boundaries but also being willing to open up and be fully known. There's a place to put my full trust in God, knowing he's in control and he loves me and he will provide.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6 

It's honestly been an exhausting few months being inside my own head. My therapist is probably exhausted, too. This isn't where I want to be, so 2025 is where I MUST trust God fully and completely, even when I don't understand. The times when I've been able to do this have enabled me to survive some pretty big hardships.

In 2022, Greg took a job that required him to work in Seattle, but we made the decision to maintain our home in Round Rock as well, figuring we could make it work for a couple years and see what happens. Well, what is happening is that we are still living in two places....and it's now 2025. I didn't envision feeling so unsettled in this situation and being forced to trust that things will work out. I like a plan. I don't have a plan. How am I supposed to trust that "everything will work out?"

I like Seattle. We continue to have some pretty great adventures. But I don't want to live here permanently. I also like Austin. But it's not my forever home, either, although our adult kids live full time in our home there. I'm looking forward to retirement in a few years, but living for the future is unsettling and I need to find contentment and peace in the present situation, which means....yes, TRUSTing that we are where we are supposed to be and TRUSTing that God will provide direction and opportunity for our family. 

Remember, we walk by faith and not by sight.

My thoughts are pretty jumbled, honestly. Have you read the book "I Want to Trust You, But I Can't?" by Lysa Terkeurst? If you've ever been burned in your life, if you think of yourself as someone with trust issues, if you try to control outcomes so you don't get blindsided....ahem, ME....then this book is perfect for you. The personal and/or professional difficulties you've encountered don't have to mean you live as a victim. We don't have to walk around with a chip on our shoulder because of the actions of another person/other people. We can make a difficult choice to be transformed by those experiences and not let them guide our futures in a negative way, but rather empower us to grow closer to God and deepen our spiritual journey and our purpose. The book is intense, the lessons are incredibly difficult, but the conclusions are vital for growth.

You can't control others, but you CAN control yourself.

I’m working on it.

One thing that I’m disappointed about and trying to come to terms with is missing out on teaching in the upcoming Re|Engage class at church. Greg and I took the fall semester off as we had participated and/or led the previous three semesters and it’s healthy to take a break. Unfortunately with Amazon’s 5-days-per-week in the office policy for 2025, we aren’t available on Monday nights as Greg (or both of us) must be in Seattle. I felt like we had found such a good place to help others, to guide them spiritually in their marriages, to share our story, and just feel true purpose in this stage of our lives. It WAS working for us to commit to Mondays and then fly to Seattle Tuesday morning. Hopefully we can still find a way to contribute with our personal story/lesson via video at some point in the semester.

Again, while this isn’t exactly how I envisioned my leadership journey, I’m choosing to TRUST we are where we need to be. Truly thankful for all the other leaders stepping up at Gateway Church when we can’t. 

I may also have a bug in my ear about furthering my spiritual ministry into life coaching at church. I’m currently praying and asking God for guidance and peace. Who knew my 1997 degree in psychology may actually produce more fruit! 

God continues to have plans for me, ones that I can start to see and others that are still in the shadows. He knows my purpose, he knows my gifts, and he has every intention on using me for good. Deep breaths, deep trust, and a lot of peace as a result....that is my plan for 2025.

First Race Report in a REALLY REALLY Long Time

FINALLY.....I actually ran another race. 2022 had a whopping ZERO races for me. I had foot surgery in March and didn't really have a desire to race again until recently. Foot surgery and my lack of effort made me slower....resulting in lack of motivation....and I could go on and on with excuses. 

BUT I FINALLY RACED AGAIN....and that's really all that matters.

First things first....I hardly trained, with a couple 12 milers thrown in and 20-25 miles per week total. Did I mention a lack of motivation? I have no excuses other than I just hardly trained. Not the usual Steph Hahn attitude, but alas, it is what it is. Kind of a lot going on this past year. Training wasn't a priority. Being uncomfortable wasn't a priority. 

(Side note: I don't want this particular version of Steph Hahn to hang around much longer).

I went into this "training" with one goal....just run a damn race. I picked one in North Bend, WA, since we have a place in Seattle and I knew I'd be there a lot, and it's a beautiful area, and Greg got his BQ there. Lots of great reasons! It also helped that it's a downhill of 1100 ft, so the pressure was off a bit. Even with mediocre training, maybe gravity would help me not be embarrassed by my pace. Secretly, I really did want to break two hours. Logically, I knew even that, with how little I was actually running, would be a long shot. I'd have to really want it, and to feel really good. My personal best is 1:47.....kinda laughable at this point in my life, but still something I aspire to again in the future. 

Checking out the finish the day before the race

The morning of the race was pretty uneventful. It was EARLY AS HELL. We had to leave downtown Seattle at 4:15 to get to the drop off point at 5:00, to walk uphill for at least a mile to the start (and it was quite a hill, over 300 feet of climbing). I'm glad I wanted to park so early, because I beat the port-o-potty lines and was able to start the race on time, unlike dozens of unlucky people still needing to pee. 

The weather was incredible, mid-50s and overcast. For a half marathon, I'm perfectly happy with that weather (for a marathon, however, I want to be freezing my ass off). The course is on a dirt trail in the Snoqualmie area on the Iron Horse Trail, which has a very gradual downward slope, so subtle you almost can't tell. But it does help your pace and your heartrate. 

I was making all sorts of bargains with myself. I wanted to start off not fast AT ALL, just ease into a faster-than-easy-run pace and hold that for at least 30 minutes just to see how I tolerated it. After the first couple miles coming in around 9:40-9:45, I determined I really liked that pace. I really liked the trail. And I absolutely LOVED the scenery. I was glad I elected to forgo headphones, because listening to nature (waterfalls!) beat music hands down. I highly recommend it.

I was really enjoying myself. I honestly didn't even care if my finish time started with a 2. I just wanted to have fun, enjoy the beauty of my surroundings, and express gratitude that I was racing again, feeling really good, was healthy, my husband and in-laws were waiting for me at mile 8, and not everyone gets to do this shit. If I felt like speeding up eventually, I would, but a 9:30-ish pace half marathon was also something to celebrate for sure. 

I spent a lot of my time watching my footing. Having tripped on a run back in 2020 and decimating my rotator cuff and embarking on the worst year of my life rehabbing it, I was nervous as hell I would trip on a rock. But eventually I did chill out (with one eye on those damn rocks just to be safe). No tripping happened!

I paid attention to when my watch was beeping at the miles in relation to where the mile markers were placed and for the most part I was within 10-15 seconds at each mile, although mile 7's marker seemed to be way off. I assumed my GPS was probably pretty accurate. I hit 6 miles, according to my watch, at 57:54 (9:39 avg pace). Would be pretty hard to break two hours without significantly speeding up, and I really didn't want to. I had a fear of feeling like utter garbage if I turned on my speed, and crashing and burning in agony at the end, and I very very much wanted to cross the finish line feeling happy and excited. 

But then mile 7 was in 9:11 and I didn't realize I sped up much. Granted, it wasn't a lot faster, but it felt pretty effortless and in line with the previous miles, so maybe that was the boost I needed to just push a little bit harder. 

The mile 7 mile marker came way earlier than I expected, but I think that was a race crew mistake, because 8 was more in line with my GPS. It was also mile 8 where I found the family! Cedar Falls has a trailhead and is a perfect spectator spot. Five years ago I saw Greg here during his marathon. Seeing them certainly gave me a big boost and I kept my pace a little quicker than expected. I yelled to Greg to expect me to finish in 2:05. 

I looked dumb in all the pics from the front so here's my backside at Mile 8

I continued to speed up and at this point decided that 2:05 was too slow and I could cut it down to 2:03 or so and that would be really respectable, plus I felt great! (Have I mentioned that already?)

Mile 8 was 9:04, mile 9 was 9:06 and it still didn't feel particularly hard. But I could feel the fatigue in my legs, partly due to low miles in training, partly due to the downhill. With only four more miles to go, I wanted to speed up a little bit more, ease back if I needed to, but never go below a 9:15. 

Mile 10 was 8:51 and that excited the shit out of me. I was remembering what it was like to be fast(er). And I wanted that again. 

Mile 11 was 9:05 and according to my watch, with 2.1 miles to go I was at 1:43:13. Wasn't going to break 2 hours without running the rest in 8 minute flat pace (big fat NOPE), but it was going to be more like a 2:01 if I could speed up just a little bit more. 

I hit the 12 mile marker at just under 1:52 and at this point I'm a little wistful I didn't speed up more just a bit earlier. But again, if the mile markers were accurate (and I thought they were pretty close since they almost totally coincided with my watch), I'd be at 2:01. 

Imagine my surprise when I saw the finish line flags WAY earlier than expected, when I thought I still had about a third of a mile left to run. I was running about 8:20 pace at this point and just did my best to run hard past all the flags (state flags for all the participants, yet I didn't see Texas...hmmmm....) and across the finish line. 

I FELT FREAKING AMAZING AND STRONG AND SO DAMN HAPPY CROSSING THAT FINISH LINE. 

I looked at my watch after I stopped it.

2:00:12

12.99 miles

So the mile markers weren't totally accurate after all....and my GPS didn't quite keep up. 

(And yes, the course was accurate and certified at 13.1 miles, it started and finished in the exact right spots, so there were NO mistakes on distance). If I had run just 1 second per mile faster, I would've broken 2 hours!

I honestly didn't expect that I could run that well AND still feel as good as I did. I didn't race all out, I didn't kill myself to get to the finish line as fast as I could, I instead ran comfortably hard, kept my heartrate from redlining (it was pretty much zone 3 majority of the race), and I finally remembered that I'm a damn good runner when I put in the time and effort and volume a fast race requires. I got my feet wet again, got my runner's high, and the itch to race again finally came back in full force.

And I barely broke a sweat doing it (THANK YOU PHENOMENAL PACIFIC NORTHWEST WEATHER). 

Having Greg, Ed, and Linda at the finish line was the icing on the cake. I love my freaking family.

I took the same selfie from when Greg raced!

My husband is hot

I'll be running this course again next June as I plan to sign up for Light at the End of the Tunnel (so will Greg but he just doesn't realize it yet).

But first? My 18th marathon on February 4, 2024, to celebrate turning 50, with Greg waiting for me at the finish after he races the half marathon that day. 

I hate saying I'm blessed, but I am damn blessed. 

AND NOW FOR SOME BONUS CONTENT....

So great to have Ed and Linda there

Greg got me a scooter. I successfully navigated it.

I love sending Greg funny mugs

Living less than a mile from the arena meant BRYAN ADAMS CONCERT!

I went on a lot of walks because HELLO....it's gorgeous here

He loves me and my weirdness....can't you tell?

New Year New You?

 I hate New Year's Resolutions. They're cheesy. They don't stick. And why wait until a new year to make a change you know needs to happen?

But here I am, knowing I need to do SOMETHING in this new year.

I'm 14+ months out from my horrible shoulder surgery. Physically I'm fine. Mentally, I'm messed up. That injury and surgery, followed by a hip problem and personal life stress really put me through the wringer in 2021. I just couldn't get a good grasp on it.

I ran my 17th marathon on December 12 and while it was much slower than my personal bests, it was a fairly consistent effort. I was weak, however, and I don't like how that felt. Come to find out that I got Covid while on our trip and got very ill right after the race. This virus messed with my respiratory system for three weeks. Probably didn’t help that I depleted my body’s defenses in a marathon. I got everyone else in my family, including my mom, sick as well. I backed out of my January marathon, after first downgrading to the half. I had to throw in the towel when the virus wouldn't go away.

I'm not very pleased with how my training cycle went. I know I bit off more than I could chew and I tried adjusting when I knew I needed to. I struggled to come to terms with my new limitations and my slower pace. I didn't do everything I could have to fix these things, and for that I'm quite regretful. I'm usually stronger and more motivated than that and it's frustrating to see so much weakness creep into my life and training. 

I suppose a lot of this is understandable. I'm struggling with coming to terms with this "pandemic" and the continued failed response to it. I don't have the stomach for tyranny and I'm sickened by the mental toll this has all taken on society, particularly on our kids....including my own. I'm exhausted. A really smart man I follow on social media said everything lately was "hyberbolic, partisan, exaggerated, and exhausting" and he definitely accurately described it. I just want a break for our country. So yeah, it's hurting me in many ways and that has creeped into my passions and I'm frankly pissed off.

So now that my training cycle is over (which coincides with the new year), it's time for me to take stock of how it went. What worked? What definitely didn't work? What do I need to do more of? Less of? What's holding me back? How do I fix that?

I ordered a training log/journal and am excited to receive it and start writing in it. I'm brainstorming in my head in the meantime on what I need to do right now before I even think of a new training cycle.

First....MORE STRENGTH TRAINING

Once I was done with physical therapy sessions, I let this slide. I did the bare minimum and as my mileage increased, the strength training decreased. Big mistake. This MUST be a priority. So for the next few months, I'll be strength training at least 3 times per week.

Second....SPEED WORK

I obviously did a lot of speedwork in my marathon training, but I want to focus on shorter and faster sessions rather than so much marathon and half marathon paced work. I think that combined with more strength training will set me up well for my next training cycle. 

Third....FIND PURPOSE ELSEWHERE

This is kind of hard to describe. I'm feeling a bit like I'm flailing around in the world, without a definitive place for myself. My husband is our provider, my kids are both in school, my son is figuring out his future after college....they all have a specific PLACE. I don't have a career at the moment, something that is intentional for our family, but it does also mean that I struggle with how I can feel purposeful. Without purpose, we can quickly lose ourselves. I know that I am important to my family....there are a lot of things that I provide that help them in their own endeavors that are not tied to money or work or school. But it's not very tangible and that bugs me some days. I'd like to better define my purpose....yes, that seems very obscure and open-ended, but it's the best way I can describe it right now. This doesn't directly align with training as it does with just being a more well-rounded person, in a way strengthening my mind as much as I'm strengthening my body.

Fourth...PRIORITIZE SLEEP AND RECOVERY

Simply put....I didn't get enough sleep. Since my marathon and my illness, I've been sleeping upwards of 9 hours per night and my body is still craving that level of sleep, so apparently I needed it. 

Fifth...BETTER MEAL PREP

I typically do eat very well, and I'm particular about ingredients. But when I spend just a little extra time meal planning and prepping the week tends to go better for me physically and mentally. When I am fueling regularly and properly, it comes out positively in my mood and my training. I have the time....I just need to prioritize that time.

I think this is a good start to getting a handle on getting out of my physical and mental funk. Baby steps leads to big gains, as long as we are consistent and intentional! 

STOP

Lacking motivation? Exhausted? Hit a plateau? INJURED??

THEN STOP.

What you're doing isn't working.

Take a step back and look at the last few weeks, last few months, whatever it takes, to find the culprit of your struggles. Don't tell me it's the weather. It's not summer yet.

I know why I'm sometimes struggling. I'm on the right track and I hope to fix it permanently soon. Or until I do the next dumb thing. I'm a runner, after all. 

I saw a couple posts by runners who I follow on Instagram and it got me thinking about this issue I see time and time again from me and my running buddies/social media influences. The constant struggle to get through a training cycle unscathed....it's a big problem! Been there, done that. Tired of it. Tired of seeing it from others, too. (harsh, yes, I know)

This particular post pointed out the four things that you need to become faster, but it also totally applies to the concept of STAYING HEALTHY, both mentally and physically, in a training cycle. I've adapted it with a few extra points:

• 80% easy running (typically not what you *think* is slow, but SLOWER)
• 20% hard running (and NEVER on consecutive days)
• Consistency
• Specified training (every run has a purpose, every small step is part of the big picture)

The second post I saw is a quote from the Growth Equation:

Peak performance does not result from heroic efforts. It results from consistent small steps that compound over time.

So which part is your weakness? 

Do you know what 80% easy looks like? It means that out of 5-6 days per week of running, perhaps 50 miles per week, only 10 of those miles, or maybe 2 of the days, are at a hard effort. Hard effort is Zone 4+, maybe still high zone 3 if you're like me and the gears take awhile to heat up as I get more fit, or because your specified training calls for marathon pace and that might not necessarily get you to Zone 4 right away. Easy effort is Zone 1-2. Zone 3 can be the gray zone and when you have more Zone 3 than Zones 1-2, you're in trouble. 

That 20% of hard running should never be on consecutive days. 48 hours or more between hard efforts. Easy miles or rest in between. Your body CRAVES easy miles to build your aerobic engine and allow your body to recover instead of becoming overly fatigued, leading to bad form and injuries. 

I recently wrote up my marathon training plan for this next cycle and once I hit 6 days per week of running, this is how my week will shape up:

• Mon: Recovery Run
• Tues: Intervals (always with a warm up and cooldown)
• Wed: Easy Run (and long-ish)
• Thurs: Tempo Run (always with a warm up and cooldown)
• Fri: Off
• Sat: Easy Run
• Sun: Long Run (with race pace miles incorporated every 2-3 weeks)

Lots of easy paced stuff throughout the week.

Matt Fitzgerald explains all of this so thoroughly and much more eloquently than I ever could in his book, "80/20 Running." 

CONSISTENCY is a big BIG problem for a lot of people. You run a couple days one week, or take a whole week off, for whatever reason, then jump right back into 30 miles per week for a couple weeks, then take more time off. You can't stick to a training plan if your life depended on it. You can't commit to running on specific days, thinking it's okay to push things off a day or two, and then try to play catch up. JUST NO. Be committed and consistent, and if you have to take time off, ease into things. My first two weeks back after my 15 weeks off running after my surgery involved less than 10 miles of running. I still only run 25-30 miles per week and it's been nearly 4 months since my return to running. 

Specified training is just that. SPECIFIC runs on specific days, each with a specific purpose to build upon your overall fitness and lead you to the start line healthy and fit. Easy runs to build your base and aerobic endurance without overtaxing your body, recovery runs to recover from hard efforts while continue to add volume and endurance, long runs to increase endurance and your confidence in longer races, interval workouts to develop speed and efficiency, tempo runs to improve lactate threshold....you get the idea. Include a variety of running into your plan, in an appropriate schedule, and your fitness and speed and health will gradually improve....injury free. 

There are countless pace calculators out there to help you determine appropriate pace zones, calculators to help with heart rate zones, charts based on effort if heart rate zones aren't your thing. The point is, everyone should understand what their individual easy pace range is (hint, it's not marathon pace but rather MUCH slower). Everyone should understand their current fitness and adapt accordingly. Everyone has the ability to make up a schedule and stick to it. 

Coming off of an injury and getting right back into regular hard workouts and high volume, or running through an injury, is not smart nor is it heroic. I've only run 10 miles straight once since my return. I haven't run over 30 miles per week. I am chipping away at each baby step as it comes, knowing that each step creates big gains overall. Everyone should understand that big leaps can lead to big falls, that the turtle really can win the race.

Are you seeing gains? Or are you feeling overly fatigued and have nagging injuries? Then stop what you're doing, reassess where you can make positive changes, and set the wheels in motion.

 

New Training Plan

I'm a planner. I love to write up a plan, to have a timeline, to have detailed steps of how to get to my goal. So basically, writing my own training plans is perfect for me. I'm really detail oriented and I love the process of hashing out how I want to get myself prepared for the starting line. Now that I've graduated from physical therapy and have no limitations on my running, I feel prepared to sit down and plan my comeback!

I'd love to say that I'm going to blow this training out of the water, but let's be real. I'm not in 3:45 marathon shape, nor will I be by December 13. But I honestly think, that even with my struggles getting back into running, I can run a 4:00 marathon. I have 31 weeks until race day and will officially begin my training 22 weeks out, on July 12. Training for a 4:00 marathon sounds so much more doable than a 3:45. The training paces aren't daunting to me, even in my current running shape. 

The next few weeks are all about maintaining what I'm doing, adding in little bits of volume and intensity as I go. I'm running about 5 days a week now, and I've just added in a second quality workout per week, in addition to the intervals I've been running the past few weeks on Tuesdays. I'm getting close to about 30 miles per week, so my base is good right now. I'll continue the 5 days per week with speedwork and either a tempo run or progression run, and a long run every Sunday. I probably will not go beyond 10 or 11 miles in my long run until training officially starts. Just several more weeks of consistent running, increasing volume and extending the duration of intervals. 

I've definitely learned over the years that one of the most important things when tackling a marathon is CONSISTENCY. If I can consistently get in good volume weeks leading up to training, building up my base, then I'll be ready to add in more intensity and higher volume without hurting myself. The discipline I've cultivated over the past few weeks is paying off now, thankfully! I'm determined to get out there on my run days and do my best, even when I'm not feeling up to it. I keep ramming into my head that I have to be consistent if I want to get back to where I was pre-injury.

I'm not going to do the Hansons plan this time around. It's just too intense with too much volume for what my goals are. I'm not going to try to hit a Boston Qualifying time (which means the next time I do try, I'll actually be aging up....that's a nice little bonus for getting old). There's no need for me to run 55-65 mile weeks every single week. I'll be sitting around more like 50 mile weeks towards the end of the training, spending most weeks in the 40-50 mile range. I think that's a good place for me to be in....intense, but not too overwhelming. But I AM going to use the Hansons pace charts and pace adjuster for weather in determining my training paces. And I'm really glad I am, because as I was looking them up it reminded me that marathon training is A LOT of easy miles, and when I'm planning to run a slower marathon than previous cycles, it really means slowing it down. It's a huge relief.

So how does that break down for me for this cycle? A 4:00 marathon is 9:09 pace, so I'm using 9:05 as my marathon pace, giving me a few seconds room to be under 4:00. In good weather (temps in the 50s or colder, which is impossible in a Texas summer), that would mean my recovery runs are over 11:15 pace (yes, REALLY), my easy runs are no faster than 10:30 and ideally more like 10:45, my 5K-10K interval paces are about 8:00-8:20, and tempo paces probably around 8:30. If I want a more moderate long run, I'd run those around 9:50. 

But in a Texas summer when some of the worst mornings are over 75 degrees and high humidity, I'll be adding 30-40 seconds per mile to my easy/recovery runs and about 20-30 seconds per mile to my speed runs. That mean a lot of runs over 11:00 pace. To say that is a huge weight off my shoulders is an understatement! I'll get the same benefit of the faster paces but won't be overtaxing myself in the heat. The adjustments are so important, and they work! Leading up to my last marathon before I hurt myself, I took those adjustments seriously and was feeling pretty great as the weather starting getting cooler. 

In all honesty, I'm probably not running slow enough right now as often as I should. I'm not tackling a huge amount of miles yet, but once I do I need to be more mindful. 

In addition to maintaining consistency, I'll continue to ram it into my head that 80% of my miles are EASY MILES. Not pseudo easy, but truly easy. My Strava won't be flashy, but I'd rather see easy runs than an injured runner because I was running myself into the ground day in and day out. 

I have a second marathon that I'm signed up for 5 weeks after Mississippi Gulf Coast. If all goes well, I might try to run that one balls to the wall. I've got nothing to lose! Then by the time Chicago 2022 rolls around, I should be ready for that Boston Qualifying attempt. The great part? That's during the qualification window for Boston 2024, when I'll be 50 and can run 5 minutes slower to qualify (3:55). 

I'm a planner! And I'm getting excited!

Spring Cleaning

The dark winter is almost over!

This winter was stupid dark so I'm particularly looking forward to a change of seasons. 

When I last wrote a blog post, back in January, I was a few weeks into physical therapy, not running yet, but trying to find some semblance of a routine to keep my sanity. I let go of my 2020 goals, many of which were derailed by my accident in October. I set some new goals that were realistic for 2021.

I am now 20 weeks post-surgery on my complete rotator cuff tear. Hard to believe it's been 20 weeks already. I have completed 23 physical therapy sessions and am in the strength phase of therapy. I have 7 sessions left to go and will continue to go once a week and stretch out the strength phase as long as I can with my therapist. I am only about halfway in my recovery, realistically, and even after 40 weeks will not have my strength back to normal. I started running 6 weeks ago and am no where near back to normal on that front. That will definitely take a long time to get back. My body and mind are simply not the same as they were on October 18, when I was nearing the peak of marathon training.

The hardest part of this journey I never wanted to be on is getting my mind right. I am struggling with coming to terms with my body. It was so strong before this and now I feel like the 47 year old I am and I absolutely hate that feeling. I feel sorry for myself too often. I am angry too often. I am impatient and frustrated. I feel weak both physically and mentally.

I know a lot of people who have had rotator cuff repair, but I don't know anyone who had damage as extensive as mine. It's tough to hear about how they were in physical therapy a week after surgery, when I had to wait 6 weeks, that they were fine after a few months, when I will be looking at feeling "fine" after a year. My recovery is not comparable to others so I have a hard time finding encouragement to follow. It's pretty isolating sometimes. My therapist tells me I'm doing great, and there are some sessions where I'm pleasantly surprised at my progress, but then there are days when I'm frustrated that putting a can on the shoulder-height shelf is a struggle. 

I am trying to remember how hard things were when I first started doing active exercises and how little my arm would move on its own to how I can reach quite far with it now, that I really have made tremendous progress. But then I remember I used to be able to do 100 pushups and I fear I'll never be able to be that strong again. People tell me I'm crazy, that it takes time, but my mind is just too impatient. 

I miss being a marathon runner. Sure, I can go out and run continuously now, versus the run/walk intervals I had to start with in February. But I just now barely hit 6 miles and it was hard. My pace is incredibly slow and my heartrate and effort are nowhere near as low as they used to be at that pace. I have not tried any type of speed, but am thinking of incorporating short speed intervals in 2-3 weeks. I know in my head exactly what I need to do and what the progress should look like, but I hate how hard this is. I absolutely hate it. 

I know my attitude is being affected by other things around me, things that are out of my control, and I can't help but think it's penetrating my brain in negative ways. My youngest child continues to test me daily and I've exhausted my ability to help turn the tide. It's my kid's journey to complete. The tools are there, the support is there, but I can't make anyone do what they should do. Personal responsibility and hard work are they only thing that will help at this point. It's pretty maddening for a parent. And as helpful as some try to be, they do not understand the magnitude of this journey. It's the one that Greg and I are on, and only Greg and I. We are the only two that understand it. We've been living it for so many years now. It's not helping my own fortitude, that's for sure. The atmosphere in our country also continues to be painful to witness, when so much of it is avoidable and stupid. People unnecessarily turning against one another is completely wrong on so many levels, and it never needed to be this way. Add to that the countless lives that have been destroyed in this last year....and it's a recipe for depression, to put it bluntly. 

Of all the things to do to myself, it had to be this injury and surgery? Just stupid!!

BUT.....I am still in charge of my destiny. So while I will feel sorry for myself, I will be pissed at what my body feels like right now, I will be pissed off at others for their lack of grace and intelligence, I am still in charge of the trajectory of my life. 

So what does that look like?

I am RUNNING. It's not much, but I am running. I can now run 3 days in a row and will be doing that this week. I can continue to up my distance slowly. I focus on my effort, my form, my hydration, my breathing in the hopes of finally having a breakthrough. My breathing sucks, my effort is sometimes too high, and I feel like I'm in someone else's body, but as a former coach I know that consistency will produce results eventually. I KEEP SHOWING UP.

I signed up for another marathon yesterday on a total whim. I'm already registered for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon on December 12, and now I'm also registered for The Louisiana Marathon on January 16. It's called the Beach to Bayou Challenge and I did it in 2017/2018 (when I qualified for Boston). I have no plans to be that fast yet, but I think having this big of a challenge will keep me motivated to be consistent. Plus I love those races. Then in October of 2022 I want to run Chicago (I deferred 2020), and THAT is when I will try to be fast. 

Next month I'm running the virtual BAA 5K because who doesn't want a Boston shirt and medal? It will be a slow 5K compared to the past but fun nonetheless. I like Boston and I like medals!

I am also traveling for the first time in over a year! My husband and I are going to Florida for our anniversary in May for a long weekend on a beach. I need the time away, to reset and recharge and just enjoy time with only my husband. I had hoped to travel internationally this summer, but with restrictions still so changeable and the need for a negative Covid test to return to the United States has me very wary to leave the country just yet. I'm not afraid of traveling or being around people, but I don't like the thought of being restricted from reentry! So we will wait a bit longer on that. Thankfully, Florida is less restrictive than a lot of states and has beautiful beaches so it's a very nice compromise for now. 

I am ready for the tide to turn on life. I think we ALL are. It's been a ridiculous year of heartache for many. 

Goals? What Goals?

When 2020 started, I had SUCH A PLAN! I was going to be killing it in 2020. I bet a whole lot of us planned on killing it. Instead, we got a killer virus and all hell broke loose throughout the planet.

Good times.

Last January, I wrote a blog post titled Personal Victories. In it I outlined the "victories" I hoped to accomplish in the coming year, using that term versus Personal Best as I felt it better reflected my mindset. Let's do a little check in on how that went:

I want to be injury-free.

Well crap, that didn't go so well. However, let it be known that although I sustained my injury while running, it's not a "running" injury so to speak. It's not a stress fracture or overuse injury. I tripped like a dumbass. 

I want to be joyous and thankful in every run. Even the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, I am so lucky I can step outside and run whenever I want, that my body is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy the outdoors in a unique way. That kind of gratitude goes a long way in keeping me motivated to run and train. I've always said that I refuse to slow down as I age, and I'm sticking to that. I know that eventually my race times will stop dropping, and it's probably sooner rather than later since I'm turning 46 next week, but I will ALWAYS keep moving. I'm so lucky to be healthy and I want to keep it that way.

I think that up until October 18, I was pretty good at this. I had some GREAT runs in 2020 and was well on my way to a great marathon in December. I was thankful and grateful to be healthy. And now, as I recover from rotator cuff surgery, I am thankful for ANY movement I get to do. When I embark on that first run back I am going to be all smiles. 

I want to inspire someone. I have been told that my marathon running is inspirational, but if that's the case then I want to be the reason that someone tries running, or that they come back to it after an absence, or that they tackle a new goal for themselves. I want to see someone get up and outside and be fearless because they were inspired by me. It makes the painful miles worth it to help out another person.

I really really really hope that this happened. I hope that someone saw me being consistent in running this year, even with no races and through a pandemic, that they maybe got a little more motivated to get out there. 

I want to run 2020 miles this year.

I was on pace to run over 2100 miles. I was at 1666 miles when I tripped and my running for the year abruptly stopped. However, if you count my walking miles that I started tracking in March, I was well over this goal. Also, if you counted the 12 month period of October 1 to September 30, I was well over this goal. I'll take all I can get! I don't expect 2021 miles in 2021 since I'm still not running yet.

 

I want to run in new places. The best part about me seeking out destination marathons is that I get to run in new places. 

I was able to run in Atlanta in March and I'm so grateful for that experience! Chicago got cancelled, sadly, so I am waiting until 2022 for that. 2021 will probably only see me racing in Biloxi again. We will see how traveling goes this year, but I will definitely explore and run in any city I'm able to visit, racing or not.

 

I want to let go of toxic things. Whether it's people, or situations, or habits.....I want them all to go away. I worked on this a lot in 2019 and was successful, but there's still a ways to go before I'm satisfied. I have tightened my circle, have let go of negative situations, and am seeking out positive encounters as much as I can. I have a lot of stress in my life that is not within my control, so when I can control something, I'm doing a better job of ACTUALLY CONTROLLING IT. 

I was so much better about this in 2020! We were constantly inundated with negativity, whether it was Covid or the election or the riots...so many negative things. In June I deactivated my Facebook account and focused only on Instagram and Strava. I felt much more in control of the content I fed my brain. I also didn't hesitate to let go of people and situations that were hurtful. I actually had a "friend" post on their Facebook that they wanted to be unfriended by anyone that voted for Trump. This was a person who I absolutely considered a friend, but when it was clear that this person looked at someone like me as a pariah of society, as racist and homophobic and hateful and basically disgusting, well then that's not much of a friend, is it? There was no effort for discussion and understanding of the issues. Let it be known that I vehemently disagree with this person's assessment of the values of those of us who support the President and their characterization of the issues we find important. Their version of President Trump and his accomplishments looks nothing like our version, and when intelligent discussion is shut down so forcefully with an unwillingness to look at things with clear eyes, and instead choose to throw out disgusting terms, then there is no middle ground. This person was extremely clear that they wanted zero friends on the other side, that we were worthless to them. So I did what was asked and unfriended and blocked and all those things. I will have no more interactions with anyone who feels this way. I would never treat someone like that. Ever. I care about how someone votes, sure, but I care about the person and the friendship more and I find differing opinions and experiences enriching. I will also never back down from being a conservative and wanting to uphold constitutional policies. I have no need to apologize.

I want to be strong for my kids.

Well, my kids definitely saw their mom at her absolute bottom. My son wasn't home when I was injured nor when I had surgery and didn't see the few days post-op that were absolutely atrocious. I was at rock bottom and it was miserable. But he's seen me fight my way back, as has my daughter. I hope it makes its mark on them. 

I want to be the best wife I can be. I've been married for 21 years, and marriage is freaking HARD sometimes. But I'm fully committed to seeing this thing through for the rest of my life. That means putting my husband first, and putting our relationship in the forefront of all our decisions. 

I'm not there yet. I think I was doing alright until I got hurt. It's hard to be everything to someone else when you're hurting so much yourself, but every day I'm trying to find a new way to be better, to do more, to BE more. I am 100% committed for life and I hope he always sees that, even when I'm at the bottom. 

So now that 2020 is behind us and we are embarking on a new and uncertain year, I am reflecting again on what I hope to accomplish, on what I hope my "victories" will be. I think I'll keep it pretty simple.

I want to start running again and build up my base.

I don't have the green light yet, but as soon as I do I'll be out there getting back into it. It will be slow and short at first, with a lot of walking involved. I have to be so careful about my shoulder. I don't want to do anything to compromise the healing. Rotator cuff repair has a notoriously high failure rate and I refuse to fall into that camp. But I miss running. My patience will have to be impeccable as I get back into running shape.

I want to let go of any thoughts of speed.

By this, I mean to let go of any thoughts of being just like I was pre-injury. 2021 is not the year to chase personal bests. It's merely the year to become consistent and strong with running again. Thinking of my pace in terms of being speedy is not a goal of mine. I have a marathon in December that I deferred from last year and that will hopefully serve as my endurance comeback. I need to let go of time goals (to a point). 2022 will be the year for speed to return. If I don't approach this year in a smart way, I'll never get back the way I want to. Time and time again, people bite off more than they can chew when they come back from injury and they suffer for it. It makes zero difference what pace I run when I return. It only matters that I come back slowly and SMART.

Focus on what is in my control.

There are many things that I can't control in the world....viruses, politics, people. I can choose to be upset and miserable and angry and lash out over things I don't like or outcomes that are disappointing, but it doesn't serve me or my family. There are many things that infuriate me, sure, but I still refuse to be a miserable cow. My word for 2021 is "control" and it seems very appropriate. Let's lump in "listen to my doctors" with this goal, since my recovery is within my control as long as I follow the plan.

Be consistent in the lessons I teach my kids.

Strength, resilience, consistently, focus, priorities, family, security....I try to exemplify traits like these every day for me kids. I often think it's not sinking in, but perhaps in time they will see it and realize it and put it all into practice in their own lives. 

Don't apologize for my beliefs.

I am who I am, I know what I think, I know how I feel, I am informed and bright and full of compassion and grace. I am not what a lot of people would have me think. I will not apologize for what I hold dear, for what values I have, for how I feel the world should be. I will hold firm in this.

It really should be an interesting year indeed.

Control

What better word to use for 2021 than "Control?" After all, everything was pretty much out of control in 2020, right?

If there was ever a year that tested my patience, it was 2020. 

As the year progressed, it just got worse and worse.

Cancelled travel, cancelled school, cancelled races, cancelled family gatherings, cancelled friend gatherings, CANCELLED, CANCELLED, CANCELLED. 

Plus the hovering uncertainty and fear surrounding a virus that we all knew wasn't really going to go away.

Then as the year progressed and the goal posts constantly shifted around every aspect of life, let's throw in job loss and major surgery and rehabilitation. And a kid who was struggling daily with school. And missing my other kid.

Lessons in patience, indeed.

So as I enter 2021 and reflect upon the mishaps of 2020 and where I stand today, I find myself focusing on the word CONTROL. After all, despite the uncertainty and curveballs, there is always something in our lives that we can control. If we forget about that, then we are really going to free fall into the abyss, right?

Having an accident, seriously injuring myself, requiring major surgery, and undergoing months of rehabilitation in order to get back to normal function was completely out of my control (well, unless I had been paying better attention on that run and hasn't tripped). I have no choice but to do what I'm told by my doctors and physical therapists or risk permanent injury and decreased function. But rather than think of it that way, I'm going to turn it around and view it as WITHIN MY CONTROL.

I am in charge of my recovery. I am in charge of choosing to get up everyday and find something new I can do again, to find creative solutions to movement that are within the confines of my recovery, to find a way to keep my nutrition on track, and to find a way to calm my mind. I am in charge of what I consume mentally...the internet, books, movies, whatever that may encompass. I am in charge of who I spend time with (no matter what the government wants to impose), of whom is given space in my head, on whom I focus my energy. 

I may not be able to run or seriously strength train or finish some house projects in a timely manner, but I am completely in charge of sticking to my routine so I can get there when I am supposed to, maybe even sooner. Or I can choose to half-ass my rehab and have it take substantially longer and perhaps even limit my recovery and never be as strong as I was before. I can choose to focus on my current weaknesses and the changes in my body that I find horrible, or I can choose to think of each new movement, of each new exercise as my path to the body I had before October 18. 

This last one is the absolute hardest, admittedly. I hate the way I look right now, even though to the casual observer I don't really look much different. But I see myself daily, I see the subtle changes, the weaknesses, the negative results of the accident and surgery. I'm struggling with this so much right now and it brings me to tears some days. I am not used to being weak and I'm not used to FEELING so weak.

So what am I doing everyday to combat my fears, to combat the negative, to improve my strength and movement, and to get closer to the day I can say that I AM BACK?

First, I religiously do my physical therapy exercises. No shortcuts, no skipped sessions, no laziness. Every morning and every night, with a timer set so I don't get lazy and stop early, I do each and every exercise set forth by my physical therapists. I push myself a little further each day, even when it hurts. I mentally catalogue the change in my range of motion so I know I am making progress daily. Every centimeter added to the range of motion is a victory. Every single centimeter. Some days I'm stiff, but I don't see that as a setback. I set my timer and keep working.

I find exercises I can do that don't harm my shoulder. I can do corework and lower body strength training, so I do that as often as possible, pushing myself a little more, adding more reps or sets each week. I am trying to get creative on what corework I can do without using my shoulder and am slowing clawing my way back to good core strength. 

I can't run yet but I can walk as much as I want, so that's what I do. This past week, I added hill repeats and faster walking paces to the mix. My heartrate still doesn't get very high, but by adding incline I feel like I'm working harder. Luckily our weather is usually good enough to get outdoors daily and for that I'm grateful. I don't have a gym membership anymore nor do we have a treadmill, so I have to get outside.  I am walking about 25 miles per week and will push myself a bit more until I get clearance to start running again. I don't know when that will be....my doctor's protocol is very conservative but I'm progressing faster than the protocol, so the greenlight might be shifting in my favor. I see my doctor in 3 weeks and I hope to dazzle him with my progress. 

Once I get the green light to run, I have to remember that the road to my comeback is slow and long. Everytime you come back from injury, the last thing you want to do is rush the comeback. Time and time again, people will just jump right in and re-injure themselves rather than taking it bit by bit, day by day. I was running 50+ mile weeks before injury. My first run back will likely be a run/walk of two miles, possibly more walking than running. My "long" run? Probably a whopping four miles, with only a mile or so added each week. I won't go from zero running miles to thirty a week right away, that's for sure. I am completely in charge of being smart about comeback. Low and slow miles will get me way further than impatience. 

Every time I discover a new thing that I can do again....put a shirt on the normal way, tie my shoes without having to bend down quite so much, hold something just a tad heavier with my right arm, use the shifter in the car with my right arm instead of my left, put on my eyeliner with my right hand...I celebrate it. It makes me smile, it gets me excited for the next new thing I can do again. These things may seem insignificant, but when you haven't been able to do basic tasks for 10 weeks, every little victory is a HUGE victory. It brings you THAT MUCH CLOSER to full independence again. My next goal is to be able to put my hair in a ponytail. I'm so close. 

Being in control of my mental state is just as important as controlling the progress of my physical state. I have chosen with what to feed my brain this year and I'm going to continue to do so into 2021. Still no Facebook account, still being more intentional with my Instagram account, enjoying seeing people's healthy lifestyles on Strava...it's easy to consume toxicity and negativity and you have to actively reject it. I still don't see myself as coming back to Facebook anytime soon. I am reading a lot of books, both fiction and nonfiction and learning as much as I can about topics important to me. I am giving little attention to anything (or anyone) that doesn't serve my peace and happiness. 

So 2021 is about CONTROL. Controlling not only my physical progress, but controlling my mental state, viewing small victories as big victories, choosing to see baby steps as big steps. 

Uncertain Plans

 As we get further into August, I am becoming increasingly aware of my flagging motivation to properly train for my next race. It's hard to believe there is still so much uncertainty. Next week is technically the start of my 18-week training cycle for Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon, which is scheduled to take place on December 13.

Today I received my "In Training" t-shirt for registering within the first week, and I really like it! But it's also a little bittersweet as I look at it. Marathon training is hard, and I was already 5 weeks into training for Chicago before the plug was pulled on that race. I have still been running and am actually maintaining a solid 40+ mile/week average. 

But dammit, it's hard. Summer in Texas means even before sunrise, temps are ALWAYS in the 70s or low 80s. Every single day. Dew points hover over 70 and are sometimes 75+. Day in and day out, even with slowing my pace considerably, it gets tough. The motivation declines. The desire just isn't there some days.

It was so different 3 years ago when I started training for my first BQ. I was so determined and there was no real fear of the race not happening. Life was so much easier back then! Last year I trained to BQ again and didn't have much trouble with motivation. But this year? Just ugh.

Today, my husband was going to sign up to run the half marathon while I ran the full, but he noticed a little caveat in the registration terms that I honestly do not remember seeing, or I scanned over it very quickly and it didn't stand out to me.

Runners bring their own pre-race and during-race hydration/nutrition

Oh, boy.

I always carry a handheld 18 ounce water bottle when I race long distances. I refill at the water stops. I can get through a half marathon, in cooler weather, with just that 18 ounces if necessary. But a full marathon requires way more hydration than that. So am I supposed to run with a camelback? I never do that and the thought of starting a race with 50+ ounces of water in a camelback sloshing around? That doesn't seem too appealing. Or a vest with spots for a couple water bottles? Would that even be enough hydration for 3 hours, 45 minutes of running? Or do I have Greg be my water stop and switch water bottles out at certain spots on the course? 

So Greg didn't register, just in case I need him. Using a spectator as my hydration sherpa is something I obviously don't do since it's not technically allowed under USATF rules, and since I am gunning for a BQ, I'm very cognizant of racing 100% within the rules. But in a race with no on-course hydration support? That provides a bit of a conundrum. In a situation like this, however, it may be reasonable to assume that assistance may actually be allowed.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is thinking about this.

So, in the meantime, I will start my specified training (with a very easy and lower mileage week next week before the intensity and volume kicks up). I will try to silence the doubt inside my head. It's easier said than done right now. I knew when I registered that the race may not occur, and that was the risk I was willing to take. I can defer my entry if need be, and besides, it's not an expensive race anyway. What I'm really worried about is not developing the focus and fortitude I need to hone in on my time goal. Getting a Boston Qualifying time is at the upper end of my ability, so it's not something that will just come to me without much effort. I need to be ready for my A game on race day. Without the mental strength developed over the course of the training cycle, it become difficult to tune into that mindset. I've done it before and I know I can do it again if I can shake off all the extraneous BS. 

Times are still so damn uncertain. On top of race uncertainty, there have been a lot of other stressors impacting my daily life. I haven't talked too much about them like I have in the past, but the stress is there and front and center and ever-present in my daily life. It wears on you. I'm honestly just not doing well with it. 

Did I mention my son moves out in 13 days? And I paid my first college tuition and college apartment rent for him this week? That was definitely eye-opening and painful!

2020, you are such a pain in the ass.

 

 

Writing has become very difficult

I have started countless blog posts, only to delete them. I don't often find myself struggling for words, but right now I'm struggling. Everything I write seems shallow and dumb and unimportant.

I don't like having this attitude. This is my blog, this is about my life, my thoughts, my experiences. Despite the global issues surrounding us, this is still my life and I want to live it to the best of my abilities. Finding joy and freedom in everyday things leads to peace.

That means I get to write about me if I want to. This isn't ignoring anything else going on in the world. If you are a friend in real life and spend time with me, then you know that I often have meaningful conversations with those I love. I am a deep thinker, a free thinker, and can absolutely make a difference in this world with how I choose to live my life and the values I choose to impart upon my children. Judging someone's intentions based on whether they shout from the rooftops their values or if they quietly live them and show them to the world through everyday actions isn't effecting change. Judging is not at all necessary and can be quite destructive. On another note, opinion discrimination is a disgusting practice and is the exact opposite of tolerance. Think about that. Think really really hard about that.

Here, on my blog, I'm going to talk about running right now.

I am about to embark upon a very ambitious training block in the hopes I get to run the Chicago Marathon. But I honestly don't have any delusions that I'm going to be running the Chicago Marathon. I think it will be a couple more months beyond that before there's any thought to a race. However, I would like to begin my training regardless. Honestly, I am struggling with motivation, as the world continues to lack normalcy and security. So how to I push through this obstacle?

By reminding myself of HOW to train properly, by reminding myself of WHY I need to train properly.

First and foremost, I must take care of my body. I must baby it while also pushing it to be stronger. I will be running six days a week, for up to about 65 miles per week, with two "something of substance" workouts per week, as the Hanson Marathon Method refers to them. These are the interval, "strength," and tempo runs. Every other week, the long run is run at a more moderate pace. This means that 3-4 runs per week are easy runs. Really easy runs. If we don't take that easy part seriously, we can't succeed at the SOS workouts. Through an 18 week block, this method gets you to the starting line ready to smash your goal, hopefully!

So, let's talk easy. Hanson bases your pace ranges on current fitness and marathon goal. My marathon goal is still 3:45 since I haven't quite hit that yet. This equates to an 8:35 overall pace. My workout paces would be as follows:

Recovery - 11:01
Easy Aerobic - 9:39-10:21 (based on the book, but online calculators show the range is even slower, at up to 11:05)
Moderate/Long - 9:18
Marathon Pace Tempo - 8:35
Strength - 8:25 (after a block of shorter speed training, we start running strength workouts run at 10 seconds under marathon pace, in repeats of 1.5 to 3 miles)
Speed - 7:33-7:52 (we do a speed block in the first half of the training cycle, of up to 1600 meter repeats)

However, and this is really important to remember, these paces are based on relatively ideal weather conditions. Hanson adjusts pace based on less-than-ideal weather. And what do we have from May to October in Texas? LESS THAN IDEAL WEATHER. So I won't actually be running any of these paces, but rather SLOWER.

For example, let's give this morning's weather as an example. It was 75 degrees and 90% humidity when I started my run. If I plug that info into the pace adjuster (found online), my paces are now as follows:

Recovery - 11:15+ (there's not an actual field for this in the online calculator, so it basically becomes slow enough to stay in Zone 1 as much as humanly possible...that to me says over 11:15 pace, which I've never actually done! Might need to change that)
Easy Aerobic - 10:04-11:51 (in other words, you've got all sorts of wiggle room)
Moderate/Long - ~9:45 (again, it's not exact online, so this is my average interpretation, but some miles could likely be slower)
Marathon Pace Tempo - 9:16 (yes, that's 41 seconds per mile slower than marathon pace)
Strength - 9:05
Speed - 7:56-8:30

There's a wide range because we all react differently to heat and humidity, but the general consensus is that in order to maximize the gains from training, you must go by effort and throw a lot of your expected paces out the window when weather gets rough. If I need to run 10:45 to stay in Zone 2 on my easy days, then that's what I will run. Some days I might be able to push it to 10:15 or faster without overdoing it. For my long runs every other week, the key is to stay easy to moderate and avoid threshold. In good weather, 9:18 pace wouldn't be a problem. In bad weather, it's definitely going to be much closer to 10:00. Tempo days are used to mimic the marathon, so my effort at 9:16 pace in bad weather would equal my effort on race day in good weather.

I need to remember that it's okay to run 11 minute miles. How am I supposed to run 6 days per week and push myself everyday and not get injured? The answer is I DON'T. I need to run miles that feel pointless and slow, because my head knows that this is how we actually get faster.

So this means that over the course of my training, depending on weather, I could see my run average in the 8's or all the way to the 11's. There should be a big range of training paces throughout the cycle. But the majority should absolutely be much slower than marathon pace, particularly in a climate like ours.

If your goal is a 3:30 marathon (about 8:00 pace), then I shouldn't be seeing from you a bunch of runs averaging in the mid-8's. But I do see this from people ALL THE TIME. And then there's the people that run in the 10's for almost every run, and their marathon goal is 4:30 (10:16 pace). That makes no sense whatsoever. Either you are running too hard everyday or your goal is too weak. If you're finding yourself saying that there's no way you could run your usual pace for 26.2 miles, but you're also in the same breath saying that pace is "easy," then you're probably not running an actual easy pace. Confusing as heck, right?

This is why I like paying attention to my heart rate in addition to going by effort. It keeps me honest. My Zone 2 heart rate range is 127-141. I get lucky and can run well under 10:00 pace and still maintain that appropriate effort, but other days it's just not happening (like a couple times this past week!). I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to slow down to maintain the right effort and keep my heart rate in check. The benefit is the same.

My last hard workout was on Tuesday and we did a marathon pace workout, with a warm up mile, then two sets of two miles at marathon pace with an easy mile in between. The weather was upper sixties so I adjusted my marathon pace to 8:50 vs 8:35. I averaged closer to 8:40 for all four marathon pace miles, but my heartrate stayed in Zone 3, telling me I was definitely running the correct pace for the conditions and how I felt that particular day. I was also breaking in my carbon fiber shoes, and that could've allowed me to run 5 seconds per mile or so faster than I expected at the same effort. All in all, I chose the right pace in the right conditions and executed the workout properly without overexerting myself and missing the mark on the point of that particular workout. Even in the fourth mile, marathon pace did not feel very difficult, which it shouldn't four miles in.

It's obvious I love data and I love analyzing and I love seeing it all come together in a training block.

I am fearful that the weather will take a bigger toll on me this summer, even if I properly adjust all my paces. I am not a happy camper when it's hot out. I am fearful that despite telling myself, it's okay to view marathon pace at 9:16 instead of 8:35, it's going to bug me a lot and I'm going to sabotage myself and run faster and overdo it. When you see others running much faster, but with the same general marathon goals, it's hard to hold back and stay in your lane and do what you know YOU should be doing. Putting faster runs on Strava is just so much sexier than 11:00 pace runs when you're talking about running a BQ marathon as a goal.

I also need to continue to focus on my form during my runs. Running slower miles can contribute to a breakdown in your form if you don't pay attention. I do worry about this, so I need to remind myself throughout each run to go through my checkpoints and make sure I'm not exhibiting a form breakdown.

My hope is that I can throw all my misgivings out the window just like I did back in 2017 when I first embarked on my BQ goal. I was successful then, and I am itching to be successful again.

But did I mention my motivation is lacking? It really is. I know that some of this is because my mental strength is being tested by society. Some of it is because we haven't heard an update from Chicago Marathon yet and in the wake of the Boston Marathon cancellation, it makes me antsy to be so unsure.

I'm going to spend some time this week reading a really phenomenal book by Dr. Jordan Peterson called "12 Rules for Life." I'm truly fascinated by this genius of a man and looking forward to finding my best self through knowledge and learning. I'm also learning to drown out the negativity from the pervasive culture that tells me to shut up and that my opinion is wrong, although I'm admittedly not successful on that front. I'm just getting really f*cking angry.

God Bless!

Feeling Guilty & Fast Miles & What's Coming Up Next & Picking Marathons

I haven't written a post in a few weeks, so it's time to play catch up.

I'm feeling pretty much mentally exhausted STILL. I never know what each week is going to bring and I start the week with a mixture of dreadful anticipation and cautious optimism. The start to the semester hasn't exactly been easy for my youngest. She's missed several days of school and it's a battle to get her to change her perspective on a few stressful feelings she's having. This mom just needs a break of more than a day or two from the drama.

These feelings of mine are now morphing into massive guilt. I'm an introvert, so being busy and constantly around activity and noise and conversation can drain me when I'm already tired and in need of a recharge. Sometimes interactions are good, but I'm continually feeling like I need solitude lately. It's frustrating. So now I feel guilty because I'm not good at reaching out and making plans right now. I'm great at responding to texts (well, the vast majority of time) and that seems to be my go-to interaction. Isolating, yes indeed. So there's a balance to be found somewhere in there, and I'm seeking it out. In the meantime...GUILT.

ANYWAY....moving on....

Two weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I would be racing the half I had signed up for. I was a little ambivalent about it, as it wasn't an A race, but it was a fast course and it would've been fun to see how fast I could run. My hamstring was sore and I was leaning towards being careful rather than actually injuring myself.

Thankfully, I was feeling pretty great the day before, so I decided to get my butt to the start line. The weather was perfect and I couldn't have asked for more.

What a good decision I made.

I hadn't really had structured training between my December 8 marathon and this race, 6 weeks later. I was keeping up my long runs, and incorporating tempo runs and intervals twice a week, but I kind of made it up as I went along, just trying to keep up my fitness without being crazy. So what I could do on race day was kind of an unknown. I didn't have much to lose, and I wasn't putting a lot of pressure on myself, so I could afford to let go and see what happened. If I imploded, it wasn't going to be a big deal.

Can I just say that putting so little pressure on myself is like the magic pill?

IMAGINE THAT.

I ran a 97 second half marathon PR. At 46 years old. Six weeks after a tough marathon. A week after hurting my hamstring. Go figure.

I'm really proud of how I executed this race. It wasn't perfect, but I pushed myself beyond what I thought I could do, and didn't freak myself out during the race. I just kept pushing, mile after mile.

I had written down a pacing plan that would get me to my stretch goal of sub-1:48. My PR going into the race was a 1:49:26, set last January in Houston. Breaking 1:48 was a pretty lofty goal, much like my hopes to run a 3:45 marathon, but nonetheless, I wrote out a pacing plan just in case the day was going well for me.

My first mile was supposed to be an 8:45. After a very slow first couple minutes (hold up.....let me interrupt this blog post to bitch for just a second. WHAT IN THE HECK in up with people who line up with a certain pace group when they have zero intention of running that pace? I lined up between the 1:50 and 1:55 pace group, off to the side, because that aligned pretty closely with how I wanted to start the race. Almost immediately, I was stuck behind people running AT LEAST a minute per mile slower than that, people who started walking within 90 seconds of the start, and I was on the far right side intentionally so I didn't hold anyone back myself. It is by far one of the biggest pet peeves I have at race starts. It's just disrespectful to not place yourself properly so as to not impede other runners. OK, rant over...).....I noticed that the pace was about 9:30, so much slower that what I wanted to be running. I maneuvered around a couple people and picked up the pace to what I thought felt more like an 8:30-ish, hoping to still salvage an 8:45 mile.

Mile 1: 8:33 (well, that's nice because no way did I think I was running fast enough to have hit 8:33)

I maintained the pace I was running, and it felt pretty good. Like, way better than I expected to feel. Still early, but I was taking it as a good sign.

Mile 2: 8:08 (had planned to run a couple of miles at 8:30, so I knew this was probably a bit much)

Slowed it down a bit and ran Miles 3 and 4 in 8:10 and 8:08 (so I TOTALLY didn't actually slow down).

So at this point, I'm four miles in and over a minute under my goal time at that checkpoint. DAMN. So for the next two miles, I really did slow it down a bit and give myself a breather.

Mile 5: 8:16
Mile 6: 8:13

Almost halfway done and I'm still feeling like this pace is completely doable. I felt so good considering my heart rate was solidly in Zone 4 and I was pushing threshold. Don't get me wrong, it was a hard pace to run, but my head just kept telling me to keep running hard and it would be fine. So I listened to my head.

At this point, we are running on a stretch of the course that nobody likes. Great Northern Blvd just sucks. It's over a mile long, runs along a freeway, and it just boring as hell. There were more spectators that I expected, so that was a boost, plus I'm used to running it in the opposite direction as I did when I ran the Austin Marathon five times. This direction felt much better. I must've still wanted to get it over with because I ran Mile 7 in 8:02.

This is the point where my head started doing math. I was averaging 8:13 according to my Garmin, but I was a few seconds off from the mile markers due to some turns early in the race. Still, my pace was in line with my stretch goal and it was a pace I felt I could keep running. I was way under my personal best pace. Even if I ran around 8:25-8:30, I could still break my PR. But I was going to try to click off miles as low in the 8's as I possibly could.

I never looked at my lap (current mile) pace during the race. I was running by feel and just trying to get into a rhythm. It was working very well.

Mile 8: 8:04
Mile 9: 8:09
Mile 10: 8:12 (if memory serves me correctly, there was an uphill stretch here)

Now, with a 5K to go, I knew this race was going to be really really good. I only needed a 27 minute final 5k to break my PR and I was hoping for more like 25 minutes.

The hills come in the last couple miles of this race and if you're not careful, they can kick your butt and take away all your gains. As I approached each one, I just focused on the fact that they were short hills and there was a downhill after each one, plus that I really was almost done with the race. We were running through UT campus and I was loving it. The steepest hill comes with only about a half mile left in the race, so once you are done with that, it's smooth sailing to the finish.

Mile 11: 8:12
Mile 12: 8:08 (those hills! Was really hoping for sub-8)
Mile 13: 8:03 (and still no sub-8)
Last .19: 1:29

Making that last turn with about 2/10ths of a mile to go and seeing the finish line was so awesome!  I didn't have any kind of finish kick, and ran that last section at 7:43 pace. I crossed the finish line just barely breaking 1:48.

1:47:49!

The husband ran a personal best of 1:38:07!

I was so thrilled with this race! My hamstring didn't hurt much and my heel with mild tendonitis didn't hurt at all (it yelled at me the next day, though). I'm so glad I made the choice to run this race.

I learned a couple things about myself during this race.

1. I'm getting better and better at figuring out when to back off pace and when to push it. The half marathon distance is perfect for being fearless and not foolish, just long enough to test you but not long enough to totally destroy you. Because I couldn't speed up much heading to the finish line, I know that I didn't hold back during the race. I ran my best and didn't have a final burst of energy that I failed to leave out on the course. I think this is awesome because it tells me I ran hard.

2. I wasn't crazy to think I could qualify for Boston at CIM in December. I had the fitness that day, I just didn't get the weather I needed. Had it been like 3M weather, I have no doubt I would've hit my goal. It was a gratifying realization.

3. It's easy to get caught up in age. I turned 46 four days before this race, and at that age I think a lot of people believe personal best times could be a thing of the past. It never occurred to me that my age was a factor. I still don't think it is, and I'm glad I'm not letting it control me. Sure, it's going to come into play sooner rather than later, but until then I still want to see how fast I can get.

So what's next for me?

On March 1, I will be running the Atlanta Half Marathon, which takes place the day after the Olympic Marathon Trials. I am excited to see the Trials, especially since my husband is coming with me. He and I are both running the half, and he gets to run with Meb, who is the 1:40 pacer. I'm just planning on running hard but not too hard. I don't feel the need to shoot for another PR, especially since that course is very hilly. I'm going to enjoy the experience of my first visit to Atlanta.

March to June will include just one other race so far, a 10K trail race the last weekend in March. Then I'm going to just enjoy running because I love it, and I'm going to keep up my base mileage, running mostly easy, but still with a good bit of volume.

June 10 is the official start of my Chicago Marathon Training. Running through the summer months at a high volume is daunting, no doubt. But I know how to adjust for the weather and I know how to be disciplined with hydration and rest. It will be interesting, regardless. I'm pretty excited that my husband is also running this race. I'm going to train differently this time around and use the Hanson's Marathon Method. It's an 18 week program that has you running about 45-65 miles per week, 6 days a week, with your max long run at 16 miles. There's a lot of data to back up the cumulative fatigue theory behind the plan, so I'm all in on trying it out. Plus, I'm happy with the volume on this plan....it's high, but not overwhelming.

With Chicago being on October 11, it means that I have the entire winter race season open and I've been thinking a lot about how I want to approach it. I could run a second marathon, and having a backup is probably not a bad idea. I've been wanting to go back to Biloxi and run the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon again, so right now that's my top pick for a second marathon. It's flat, fast, straight, and beautiful. I'm still avoiding Texas marathons and enjoying looking at other destinations for now.

Dang, I had a lot to say.