A Little March Update

I've alluded to the fact in Instagram that it's been a difficult month so far, even more so than what's going on globally. I took a break from Facebook for Lent, and it's probably for the best with all the craziness. I'm pretty sure social media + semi-quarantine are not a good mix, especially when it comes to Facebook and the overabundance of opinions spewed on that platform. 

Life took a turn for the extra difficult and our family is working to navigate it. It seems to be a pattern, but if you've endured any kind of mental illness in yourself or a loved one, then you know that there is nothing normal or serene about it. You could have a great couple months, and then your world turns upside down on a dime. Welcome to my reality. I never know when it's going to hit and when it does, sometimes it's particularly bad. We are navigating as best we can, but right now, the stress is threatening to do me in. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this amount of stress. I'm helpless and exhausted.

Add on top of that the fear and uncertainty with COVID-19, and our anxiety is compounded. I know it's a temporary disruption in our lives, but it's still difficult. At first I wasn't so concerned with my immediate little family contracting the virus, but then I remembered that technically I am part of the compromised community. While I have it relatively under control, I have asthma. It's impossible to know how a virus like this could affect me. It could be mild, like when I had the flu a couple years ago, or it could hit me hard. I'd really rather not find out. Because of this, I'm very much trying not to go out in public. I'm still running (although avoiding water fountains and public bathrooms if at all possible), and I will likely still make quick trips to the grocery store, and I have appointments that are vital, but I want to avoid as many people as I can. I don't have a huge problem with this. I'm an introvert, so alone time is not a burden. I have a big house project I'm working on so it gives me free time to work on it. 

Without any races coming up (which is a little weird), I don't have a set training plan. But I want to continue to run 5 or 6 days a week for the mental health therapy. I think it's so important for me to start my day doing something good for myself. With so many things out of control around me, I need to grab onto this part of my life and hold on. If I had to quarantine and be forced to not go outside, it could really really suck. Stair repeats, anyone? I don't own a treadmill!

I have been thinking the last couple days of our blessings. There are a lot of people out there truly scared about how this world has changed...they can't afford physically and/or financially to get sick, they don't know what to do if they can't work and they need to work to get paid, they don't know what to do if their kids' schools close because they don't have childcare available. I am lucky that this isn't my reality....very very lucky and I never want to take that privilege for granted. When people harp on businesses and the government about taking so long to shut down public areas/schools/businesses, etc, we all have to understand that while that might not greatly affect US, there are millions of people out there who will most definitely be impacted and their plight needs to be taken into account. I do not envy those in charge of these decisions and I'm very much impressed with the vast amount of work these people are doing right now. I can't fathom their exhaustion. 

Show grace and be kind. 

We also need to understand that while the cancellation of a certain event or trip might seem meaningless, it's still a big loss to some people. Much of our joy is derived from our extracurricular activities or watching pro sports or traveling and all of those things are an awesome escape from work and the stressful parts of life. Most of that is gone right now and for the foreseeable future, and it's going to eat away at us eventually. We are going to crave something outside our homes. So it's okay to feel that loss. But it, too, shall pass. 

So again, I say to be kind and show grace.

We had an event upcoming at the end of March that I was looking forward to that was just cancelled. My son, my firstborn baby, accepted admission to the University of Texas in Tyler and will begin his freshman year there in the fall. Later this month we were planning to visit the campus for a all-day tour and information session. I've never been to Tyler and I'm so nervous about sending off my kid to college, so this day was a big one for us. I'm sure we will get an opportunity to visit before he moves there in August, but it is still a big bummer. On a positive note, I'm so proud of my kid for getting accepted into the UT system. He will be transferring to Austin after freshman year and graduate a Longhorn, which was his ultimate college choice. A big positive in our lives, for sure. 

Please be aware when you are out in public, that there are so many people who need you to stay healthy and not spread this virus further. Don't galavant around with no thought for others. 

Work together every day to make this better. 

Feeling Guilty & Fast Miles & What's Coming Up Next & Picking Marathons

I haven't written a post in a few weeks, so it's time to play catch up.

I'm feeling pretty much mentally exhausted STILL. I never know what each week is going to bring and I start the week with a mixture of dreadful anticipation and cautious optimism. The start to the semester hasn't exactly been easy for my youngest. She's missed several days of school and it's a battle to get her to change her perspective on a few stressful feelings she's having. This mom just needs a break of more than a day or two from the drama.

These feelings of mine are now morphing into massive guilt. I'm an introvert, so being busy and constantly around activity and noise and conversation can drain me when I'm already tired and in need of a recharge. Sometimes interactions are good, but I'm continually feeling like I need solitude lately. It's frustrating. So now I feel guilty because I'm not good at reaching out and making plans right now. I'm great at responding to texts (well, the vast majority of time) and that seems to be my go-to interaction. Isolating, yes indeed. So there's a balance to be found somewhere in there, and I'm seeking it out. In the meantime...GUILT.

ANYWAY....moving on....

Two weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I would be racing the half I had signed up for. I was a little ambivalent about it, as it wasn't an A race, but it was a fast course and it would've been fun to see how fast I could run. My hamstring was sore and I was leaning towards being careful rather than actually injuring myself.

Thankfully, I was feeling pretty great the day before, so I decided to get my butt to the start line. The weather was perfect and I couldn't have asked for more.

What a good decision I made.

I hadn't really had structured training between my December 8 marathon and this race, 6 weeks later. I was keeping up my long runs, and incorporating tempo runs and intervals twice a week, but I kind of made it up as I went along, just trying to keep up my fitness without being crazy. So what I could do on race day was kind of an unknown. I didn't have much to lose, and I wasn't putting a lot of pressure on myself, so I could afford to let go and see what happened. If I imploded, it wasn't going to be a big deal.

Can I just say that putting so little pressure on myself is like the magic pill?

IMAGINE THAT.

I ran a 97 second half marathon PR. At 46 years old. Six weeks after a tough marathon. A week after hurting my hamstring. Go figure.

I'm really proud of how I executed this race. It wasn't perfect, but I pushed myself beyond what I thought I could do, and didn't freak myself out during the race. I just kept pushing, mile after mile.

I had written down a pacing plan that would get me to my stretch goal of sub-1:48. My PR going into the race was a 1:49:26, set last January in Houston. Breaking 1:48 was a pretty lofty goal, much like my hopes to run a 3:45 marathon, but nonetheless, I wrote out a pacing plan just in case the day was going well for me.

My first mile was supposed to be an 8:45. After a very slow first couple minutes (hold up.....let me interrupt this blog post to bitch for just a second. WHAT IN THE HECK in up with people who line up with a certain pace group when they have zero intention of running that pace? I lined up between the 1:50 and 1:55 pace group, off to the side, because that aligned pretty closely with how I wanted to start the race. Almost immediately, I was stuck behind people running AT LEAST a minute per mile slower than that, people who started walking within 90 seconds of the start, and I was on the far right side intentionally so I didn't hold anyone back myself. It is by far one of the biggest pet peeves I have at race starts. It's just disrespectful to not place yourself properly so as to not impede other runners. OK, rant over...).....I noticed that the pace was about 9:30, so much slower that what I wanted to be running. I maneuvered around a couple people and picked up the pace to what I thought felt more like an 8:30-ish, hoping to still salvage an 8:45 mile.

Mile 1: 8:33 (well, that's nice because no way did I think I was running fast enough to have hit 8:33)

I maintained the pace I was running, and it felt pretty good. Like, way better than I expected to feel. Still early, but I was taking it as a good sign.

Mile 2: 8:08 (had planned to run a couple of miles at 8:30, so I knew this was probably a bit much)

Slowed it down a bit and ran Miles 3 and 4 in 8:10 and 8:08 (so I TOTALLY didn't actually slow down).

So at this point, I'm four miles in and over a minute under my goal time at that checkpoint. DAMN. So for the next two miles, I really did slow it down a bit and give myself a breather.

Mile 5: 8:16
Mile 6: 8:13

Almost halfway done and I'm still feeling like this pace is completely doable. I felt so good considering my heart rate was solidly in Zone 4 and I was pushing threshold. Don't get me wrong, it was a hard pace to run, but my head just kept telling me to keep running hard and it would be fine. So I listened to my head.

At this point, we are running on a stretch of the course that nobody likes. Great Northern Blvd just sucks. It's over a mile long, runs along a freeway, and it just boring as hell. There were more spectators that I expected, so that was a boost, plus I'm used to running it in the opposite direction as I did when I ran the Austin Marathon five times. This direction felt much better. I must've still wanted to get it over with because I ran Mile 7 in 8:02.

This is the point where my head started doing math. I was averaging 8:13 according to my Garmin, but I was a few seconds off from the mile markers due to some turns early in the race. Still, my pace was in line with my stretch goal and it was a pace I felt I could keep running. I was way under my personal best pace. Even if I ran around 8:25-8:30, I could still break my PR. But I was going to try to click off miles as low in the 8's as I possibly could.

I never looked at my lap (current mile) pace during the race. I was running by feel and just trying to get into a rhythm. It was working very well.

Mile 8: 8:04
Mile 9: 8:09
Mile 10: 8:12 (if memory serves me correctly, there was an uphill stretch here)

Now, with a 5K to go, I knew this race was going to be really really good. I only needed a 27 minute final 5k to break my PR and I was hoping for more like 25 minutes.

The hills come in the last couple miles of this race and if you're not careful, they can kick your butt and take away all your gains. As I approached each one, I just focused on the fact that they were short hills and there was a downhill after each one, plus that I really was almost done with the race. We were running through UT campus and I was loving it. The steepest hill comes with only about a half mile left in the race, so once you are done with that, it's smooth sailing to the finish.

Mile 11: 8:12
Mile 12: 8:08 (those hills! Was really hoping for sub-8)
Mile 13: 8:03 (and still no sub-8)
Last .19: 1:29

Making that last turn with about 2/10ths of a mile to go and seeing the finish line was so awesome!  I didn't have any kind of finish kick, and ran that last section at 7:43 pace. I crossed the finish line just barely breaking 1:48.

1:47:49!

The husband ran a personal best of 1:38:07!

I was so thrilled with this race! My hamstring didn't hurt much and my heel with mild tendonitis didn't hurt at all (it yelled at me the next day, though). I'm so glad I made the choice to run this race.

I learned a couple things about myself during this race.

1. I'm getting better and better at figuring out when to back off pace and when to push it. The half marathon distance is perfect for being fearless and not foolish, just long enough to test you but not long enough to totally destroy you. Because I couldn't speed up much heading to the finish line, I know that I didn't hold back during the race. I ran my best and didn't have a final burst of energy that I failed to leave out on the course. I think this is awesome because it tells me I ran hard.

2. I wasn't crazy to think I could qualify for Boston at CIM in December. I had the fitness that day, I just didn't get the weather I needed. Had it been like 3M weather, I have no doubt I would've hit my goal. It was a gratifying realization.

3. It's easy to get caught up in age. I turned 46 four days before this race, and at that age I think a lot of people believe personal best times could be a thing of the past. It never occurred to me that my age was a factor. I still don't think it is, and I'm glad I'm not letting it control me. Sure, it's going to come into play sooner rather than later, but until then I still want to see how fast I can get.

So what's next for me?

On March 1, I will be running the Atlanta Half Marathon, which takes place the day after the Olympic Marathon Trials. I am excited to see the Trials, especially since my husband is coming with me. He and I are both running the half, and he gets to run with Meb, who is the 1:40 pacer. I'm just planning on running hard but not too hard. I don't feel the need to shoot for another PR, especially since that course is very hilly. I'm going to enjoy the experience of my first visit to Atlanta.

March to June will include just one other race so far, a 10K trail race the last weekend in March. Then I'm going to just enjoy running because I love it, and I'm going to keep up my base mileage, running mostly easy, but still with a good bit of volume.

June 10 is the official start of my Chicago Marathon Training. Running through the summer months at a high volume is daunting, no doubt. But I know how to adjust for the weather and I know how to be disciplined with hydration and rest. It will be interesting, regardless. I'm pretty excited that my husband is also running this race. I'm going to train differently this time around and use the Hanson's Marathon Method. It's an 18 week program that has you running about 45-65 miles per week, 6 days a week, with your max long run at 16 miles. There's a lot of data to back up the cumulative fatigue theory behind the plan, so I'm all in on trying it out. Plus, I'm happy with the volume on this plan....it's high, but not overwhelming.

With Chicago being on October 11, it means that I have the entire winter race season open and I've been thinking a lot about how I want to approach it. I could run a second marathon, and having a backup is probably not a bad idea. I've been wanting to go back to Biloxi and run the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon again, so right now that's my top pick for a second marathon. It's flat, fast, straight, and beautiful. I'm still avoiding Texas marathons and enjoying looking at other destinations for now.

Dang, I had a lot to say.

First race of the year....maybe?

I've been laying a little low this week (well, except for birthday shenanigans, of which there weren't many because #old). On Monday of this week, I noticed a definite issue with my left hamstring. I find it weird that all of a sudden my body is deciding that instead of my right side harboring all my physical issues, now it's my left side. Overcompensation? Probably.

Anyway, my hamstring was very sore and tight and I honestly don't know why. I was pulling weeds over the weekend and therefore doing a lot of squatting, but it was only my left side that was sore so I'm not sure that was even why.

I ran a few easy miles Tuesday and it didn't feel any worse, but also not any better. A lot of trigger point, foam rolling, using the Stick, slathering on anti-inflammatory cream....I pulled out all my tricks. I had a deep tissue massage on Wednesday and the massage therapist (Cassandra at Renew Med Spa is THE BEST EVER) worked for a really long time on the hamstring. She noted that there wasn't tightness at the insertion point, so that was a big positive. She did, however, note that I seemed to be dehydrated and needed to remedy that right away. I felt substantially better by Wednesday evening.

It's now Friday and the soreness has definitely dissipated, and I've barely run this week (only an easy 3 miles yesterday after Monday's and Tuesday's easy runs). I'm continuing my self-care on the area and hydrating has been kicked up a bunch of notches. You could say I'm very well rested, that's for sure.

Race day is Sunday.

After my hamstring injury 16 months ago, I'm extremely cautious when it comes to tightness in that area. It takes forever for hamstring tears and sprains to heal and the last thing I feel like dealing with is another big problem that takes away running therapy. I know I'm in shape to run well on Sunday, quite likely a personal best, and the weather couldn't be more perfect - 40ish, dry air, and a 10mph tailwind on a slight downhill course. All the other stars are aligning for a great race, so to have any kind of potential issue is worrisome.

However, this isn't an A race or anything like that for me. I haven't raced this course since 2013 and since my husband is racing, I thought it would be fun to do so as well and see if I could pull off a PR (1:49:26). But I'm not very invested in it. Not sure if this is a good attitude to have or not!

I knew on Tuesday that whether or not I race will likely be a Sunday morning last minute call. I am not going to run unless I can REALLY RUN. I would rather have a DNS than just run an easy long run. It would irritate the crap out of me to hold back during the race for fear of hurting myself, so unless I'm comfortable running 8:15 miles, I'm not going to run at all.

There's always a lot of talk about how a DNF (did not finish) isn't as bad as a DNS (did not start), but frankly I think that's total bullshit. If I start this race and hurt myself and can't finish and therefore can't run for a few weeks, that's pretty foolish if I could have just bowed out gracefully and planned to run a different race down the road. To have the foresight to back out of a race to avoid injury seems way smarter to me than to be stubborn and force myself to "just try." I have a friend who has been working on finishing marathons in all fifty states. A few months ago, she chose, literally at the last possible minute, to not start a race, even though she had traveled far to race it, because she knew she couldn't give her best that day ("best" being a good attitude and gratitude for being able to run 26.2 miles time and time again, and not necessarily a fast time...after all, running several marathons a year means you don't race hard in all of them). She had slogged through a different marathon not long before this one and it pissed her off to no end afterwards to have failed to find happiness and satisfaction during the race and to her, it felt like she disrespected the distance. So when she knew she couldn't give her best again, she did the right thing for her and stepped away (she ended up going back to that state and made up for it and is actually finishing state #50 this weekend!). I totally get what she's saying. In my case, racing with a potential physical problem when it's not my A race just seems foolish and it's not what would make me happy.

Either I'm all in or all out. And I refuse to be disappointed by that.

So Sunday morning will arrive, and will I be at the starting line? I sure as hell hope so, because I'm honestly excited to see if I can get a personal best, but I'll listen to my gut and do what's right.

Personal Victories

I recently read an article in Runner's World from one of their coaches regarding replacing Personal Records with Personal Victories. She was a diehard PR chaser (as have I been on occasion, and recently), but in order to keep the joy and satisfaction in her running and to teach people about different kinds of goals, she changed this year's goals into Victories instead of Records.

I like that idea a lot. It was kind of surprising to me that after missing my goal in my last marathon, that I wasn't very disappointed by it. I still felt like I had achieved a huge victory in that race and I was happy with the outcome. This wasn't always the case when I missed a goal. So perhaps I've already starting this idea of Personal Victories being more important than a new PR.

While I still want to absolutely chase a new marathon PR, I want my main focus to be on different kinds of running victories, and victories in other parts of my life.

I want to be injury-free.
I ended 2019 and am beginning 2020 battling some tendonitis, and am taking steps to remedy it. I want this to be the only thing I deal with injury-wise this year. It's frustrating to be derailed by avoidable ailments.

I want to be joyous and thankful in every run.
Even the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, I am so lucky I can step outside and run whenever I want, that my body is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy the outdoors in a unique way. That kind of gratitude goes a long way in keeping me motivated to run and train. I've always said that I refuse to slow down as I age, and I'm sticking to that. I know that eventually my race times will stop dropping, and it's probably sooner rather than later since I'm turning 46 next week, but I will ALWAYS keep moving. I'm so lucky to be healthy and I want to keep it that way.

I want to inspire someone.
I have been told that my marathon running is inspirational, but if that's the case then I want to be the reason that someone tries running, or that they come back to it after an absence, or that they tackle a new goal for themselves. I want to see someone get up and outside and be fearless because they were inspired by me. It makes the painful miles worth it to help out another person.

I want to run 2020 miles this year.
So technically this would be a personal record for me, but since it's not tied to an actual race time, I'm going to include it in my list of Personal Victories instead. This would equate to an average of 38 miles per week over the course of the year, and that seems like a lot. But when I'm training for Chicago I'll be running over 50 or 60 miles per week, so I think this average will pan out....of course as long as that whole "injury-free" victory happens!

I want to run in new places.
The best part about me seeking out destination marathons is that I get to run in new places. I've run ten marathons in Texas, so I'm only picking marathon distance races in other states right now, and for the foreseeable future. I love adding new places to my list and exploring them in such a unique way. Last month when I ran in Sacramento, I got to see the area with new eyes...even though I grew up in California and have been to the Sacramento area more times than I can count! Next up for me is Atlanta, and since the only other time I've set foot in Georgia was during a Ragnar Relay when I didn't even realize we had been in Georgia (it was Chattanooga to Nashville), it would be nice to actually SEE the state. I'll also be running in Chicago, and I've only ever been there on business (20 years ago!) and on layovers.

I want to let go of toxic things.
Whether it's people, or situations, or habits.....I want them all to go away. I worked on this a lot in 2019 and was successful, but there's still a ways to go before I'm satisfied. I have tightened my circle, have let go of negative situations, and am seeking out positive encounters as much as I can. I have a lot of stress in my life that is not within my control, so when I can control something, I'm doing a better job of ACTUALLY CONTROLLING IT. It might mean I spend more time solo and say no to big gatherings, but that's really good for me. It also might mean saying no when I'm asked of a favor, and I'm asked to do a lot of things by others, but I need to let go of the guilt I feel when saying no. It's always ok to say no to someone and NOT feel guilty for it. We aren't superhuman, after all. It might mean deleting people off of social media...sorry not sorry? I also need to stop some unhealthy habits and put more time into habits that make me feel productive. I got a little lazy with a few things recently, and it's making me feel pretty bad about myself, so it's time to turn the ship around. Guilt and remorse are too toxic for me.

I want to be strong for my kids.
My kids are going through a lot of changes right now. My son is about to graduate from high school and his future college plans are still uncertain, so I need to be there for him in any way that I can. My daughter is continuing on her journey to better mental health, and while it is sometimes particularly hard for me to deal with because of my own issues, I need to put that aside sometimes and be "all in" for her. That, in and of itself, would be a huge personal victory for me. I nearly fell apart towards the end of 2019, and am still crawling out of my hole, but I'm coming along, and thankfully my sweet kiddo has been pretty great most of the time. She's coming out of her hole, too, and I'm super proud of her.

I want to be the best wife I can be.
I've been married for 21 years, and marriage is freaking HARD sometimes. But I'm fully committed to seeing this thing through for the rest of my life. That means putting my husband first, and putting our relationship in the forefront of all our decisions. I'm at the age where the majority of my friends have been through divorce, often with kids involved, and I thank my lucky stars that Greg and I have weathered some pretty bad storms together. I see the pain of divorce and sharing custody and I want no part of it. So that means I better continue to buckle up and be the wife my husband and our marriage deserves. Through good times and bad. The security that comes from a committed relationship is what I need in life....to depend on each other on a daily basis is a beautiful thing.

If I can keep my focus on these kinds of victories, then I think I'll be having a good year, and if things don't quite go as planned, at least I will have bettered myself and become stronger to withstand the negative situations.

What are your personal victory goals?

Coming to a close

Now that I have time to breathe and think about something other than marathon training, I've been thinking a lot about the rest of my personal life. I have stepped back a bit from disclosing our struggles, as we navigate how we should be handling them.

But I feel like we got a really big win this week and I want to share it.

My daughter (she's nearly 15) has been in therapy continuously for almost 4 years. She was in therapy with a counselor at nine years old for a few months, but then there was a big gap before we found a psychotherapist. Since that time, she also came under the care of a psychiatrist and then started group DBT therapy in August of this year after a particularly difficult summer.

Recently, she had a huge relapse. It frightened us and confused us and made us take a step back on where we needed her therapy and medical interventions to go. It took a couple of months, and many many appointments between all three therapists. When I mentioned it was kind of a miracle I ever made it to my marathon start line in one piece, I wasn't kidding. I was worn down. But I used training as my own therapy and distraction from the emotionally exhausting things we were encountering as parents.

On Tuesday, she "graduated" from psychotherapy. After more appointments and money than I can even fathom, we left that appointment without making her next appointment. As of right now, we don't "need" to and can have this therapist on stand-by for any future needs, should they arise. I actually cried as we were leaving. Her therapist has become more than just a "doctor." She's been my daughter's savior, and ours, and I genuinely love her as a person. I will greatly miss her, although thankful that if I'm missing her it means it's because my daughter is doing well.

When you have a baby, never in your wildest imagination do you think you'll have to send your child to therapy for years on end. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and it has been continuous for YEARS. It wasn't just a fluke bad spell she went through. She has struggled for so long that I don't really remember what it's like to NOT struggle. I still hesitate to put this out there, but I know that by sharing our struggles, it can make another parent maybe not feel so alone if they are also struggling.

I am constantly hurting for my girl, and angry, and exhausted, and confused, and completely unsure if I'm ever doing the right thing for her. I have to employ a tremendous amount of strength to not fall apart myself, and there have been times this year when I honestly thought I simply couldn't do it anymore. I have broken down more times than I can count, have cried more than I ever thought possible.

I am still terrified that the other shoe will drop, however. Absolutely terrified. When she calls or texts me from school, my immediate thought before I've even read the text or answered the phone is that something has happened and she's having a panic attack and needs me. I can't shake this impulse of mine to assume the worst, because there have been so many times where she has contacted me in a complete panic and meltdown. I still have to walk on eggshells with her, even though I know it's not helpful, because I don't want any reaction of mine to send her into a tailspin. I don't want to say the wrong thing or to be too tough as a parent. Balancing discipline with her emotional needs is probably never going to be something I get perfectly accurate, but I keep trying.

I have a phenomenal daughter. She is more compassionate than anyone I know, she is so strong in her convictions, and she genuinely loves people and wants to be the best friend and person she can be. She's wildly talented artistically and musically and I'm constantly in awe of what she can create. She's beautiful inside and out. I'm so in love with her character and so proud when I look at her that she is an extension of me. Her face is angelic and her smile lights up every room she's in.

I just wish her mental struggles would dissipate completely, that everyday stresses that we all encounter wouldn't debilitate her. It's getting better, it will always get better, and I feel so relieved when she handles unexpected disruptions in stride rather than being immobilized by them. She has a beautiful future, I know she does.

So I'm taking some deep breaths as we head into our winter break. I'm showing her as much love and attention as I can and reminding her of all her successes and strengths.

This year wasn't what I envisioned it would be. I had some huge highs and personal successes, but they were so difficult to truly enjoy because there were these other struggles that took over my thoughts on a daily basis, there was a tremendous amount of stress that I carried throughout my entire body, and rarely could I let it go completely and relax. I am truly thankful for my partner in crime. His job is so demanding and he works insane hours and is on calls with the other side of the world (or is ON the other side of the world!) at all hours, and yet he does everything humanly possible to take care of his family, to support me in my crazy endeavours, and joins me as I travel around the country running too many miles and spending all his money. We get closer every year and appreciate the little things with each other. When I am with him, he somehow magically makes most of my stress disappear. Just this past weekend, he took me on an impromptu weekend trip to Hollywood, Florida, so we could stay in the new Hard Rock Guitar Hotel and enjoy a Bret Michaels concert and Criss Angel show and spend hours just laying at the pool without a care in the world. It was incredibly refreshing and I wouldn't want to spend a weekend like that with anyone else. My kids are so lucky they got him as a dad. His love is endless for all three of us.

It's crazy for me to think that we are in our twilight of parenting years. Our son will be graduating from high school and starting his adult life, and our daughter will be finding her own independence as she continues in high school and gains even more maturity. Next year will be a huge transition. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to tackle.

Hold your babies tight!

California International Marathon Race Report

This was definitely not a training cycle that went smoothly. But I feel like I came to the start line fairly healthy, in great shape, and ready to run a good race. I didn't meet my ultimate goal, but after a few days of reflection, I have no regrets about my strategy and execution, and I am thrilled to say that I have another marathon finish in under 4 hours. We can't PR every single race, but we can take away from every race a new lesson we've learned and new accomplishments that we can take into the next one.

First, I have to say that California International Marathon absolutely deserves all of the kudos it gets from runners as being a premier marathon. The field is mid-sized at about 8000 runners, the course is a fast and scenic point to point with a net downhill, the finish festival is well thought out, and the organizers think of all the little details to help the runners have a successful race. It was a very fun weekend and I'm looking forward to going back and racing there again. December weather in Sacramento tends to be cool and dry - perfect conditions for a good race (but more on that later....).

Now, about my training cycle...

I was supposed to run CIM in 2018, but a hamstring injury in September forced me to be smart about recovery and defer my entry to 2019. Instead, I focused on getting stronger, ran a PR half marathon in January, and then ran the Boston Marathon in April. By July I was ready to ramp up my training and spent 19 weeks getting myself ready for CIM. If I were to compare this cycle to when I was training to BQ in 2017/2018, I would have to say that I felt slightly slower, yet felt my endurance was better. I had hoped that the two components would mesh well on race day, and with the right conditions, I could come pretty close to a 3:45. I trained the entire cycle for a 3:45, made some tweaks to how I had trained previously, in the hopes of getting me to the start line healthy.

I think my success was about 80%. My speed was REALLY close to being where I wanted it, but it didn't feel quite as effortless, I will admit. However, with the experience I gained from the past 2+ years, that didn't worry me too much. My body was kind of all over the map with how it was holding up. I had a psoas issue after Boston that needed to be worked through, my IT band was on and off tight throughout the cycle, my hamstring would make itself known here and there but wasn't a bit concern, and then during my peak week of training, I felt a strange pain at my left Achilles. That threw me for a loop because my issues are always on my right side. This pain felt like a touch of tendonitis and my assumption was that I was probably overcompensating for my right side issues and had aggravated the left side because of that. But, I managed to keep it in check and it didn't get any worse as I tapered. I knew that rest would come after the race and I could fix it.

I traveled to Sacramento Friday morning before the race and met up with my friend Dennette and her two daughters. A quick trip to the Expo was fun, then a great steak dinner capped off my first day there. Greg arrived that night and we got settled in for the weekend.

On Saturday, my friend Kalynn joined me for breakfast while Greg did his long run and scoped out the end of the course. Another trip to the Expo so Kalynn could pick up her bib and we could do a little more shopping, a drive on the course, a lot of rest, and a yummy Mediterranean dinner, made Saturday a very fun day as well.

Did you know that chickens are a thing in the Fair Oaks area of Sacramento? Yes, they're a thing and we couldn't resist the opportunity to hang out with the free roaming chickens while previewing the course.

No chickens were harmed

Laying out my gear the night before always gets the nerves going. There's just so much crap that you need for a marathon. I totally thought I took a photo of it, but apparently not!

Sunday morning rolled around EARLY. Like 3:45am early. The shuttles were leaving at 5am and were about 2 blocks from the hotel. I wanted to get over there and settled in without a last minute rush. The morning moved fast, however, and we were on our way 26 miles away to Folsom.

I showed up at the start line determined to give it my all and take the chance that I would blow up. My attitude was that I had nothing to lose. I didn't NEED to BQ, although I definitely want to go back to Boston. My A goal was to PR (3:49:53) and therefore BQ (<3:50), and my B goal was to break 4 hours. On a perfect day, the stretch goal was 3:45.

Sacramento is usually pretty dry at this time of year. The temps are typically not an issue. However, they'd been getting a lot of rain the weeks leading up to the race and the forecast was holding strong as being very rainy during the race. As race day approached, the temp forecast moved from upper 30s to mid 50s, a big swing, and almost 30 degrees warmer at the start than when I ran in Baton Rouge and BQd. Still not bad temperatures, but with very wet air after a night of rain, it simply wasn't going to be as easy as dry air in the 30s or 40s. Even as we woke up on race morning, the rain forecast was holding strong at 50-70%.

As we drove to the start, the forecast changed to a 10% chance. So now we had mid-to-upper-50s and 97% humidity for the entirety of the race, with a small chance we'd get some relief with the rain. I wasn't too concerned about feeling hot during the race, although ideally we'd be about 10 degrees cooler, but the near-100% humidity was in the back of my head as being potentially problematic. I tried to push it out of my head, however, because I was not going to change my race strategy and was going to just go for it.

My strategy was to run the first half at 8:41 pace, and then hopefully drop to about 8:30 in the second half. My first 5K would be my slowest as I eased into the harder paces. The first half the of the race has rolling hills, but more downhill than uphill so that was not going to be an issue for me. I run in rollers all the time and am a strong uphill runner. I knew using different muscles in that first half would serve me well for the flat-to-downhill second half. The course is fast and I'm truly confused by those who say it's "hilly" (and many people who ran it that have described it like that, as being a bad thing). To me, a net downhill that gives you a drop in elevation every time it makes you climb is a fast course, and this race was no exception. It was FAST.

Putting on our brave faces

The temps were most definitely not cold and I started the race with just my throwaway gloves on, no arm sleeves or jacket or anything. I just simply didn't need any of that. It felt similar to how Boston started, but about 5 or so degrees cooler. I knew it wouldn't get nearly as warm as it did in Boston, however, so I held onto that positive as the gun went off.

Four minutes after the first runners started, Kalynn and I crossed the start line and the journey to the Capitol began.

That first mile was kind of stupid easy. It was a bit downhill and I felt like I was running effortlessly. When I saw I was running 8:50 pace it truly surprised me and it felt 30 seconds per mile slower than that. I held back a bit in those first two miles, knowing I had a very long way to go, but my splits were coming in very very strong. I went with it.

Now, I've gone back and forth in my mind on whether I should've held back in those first few miles. And I keep answering myself with NO. I went to that start line with a plan to run a 3:45 marathon and get a strong BQ and make my way to Hopkinton in 2021. The weather was not ideal, but it was not debilitating, either. If it started raining then I REALLY would be okay, because my body naturally craves that kind of cooldown and runs faster with less effort. I was definitely banking on a little rain, but I just had to try my best to run the paces I planned to and was capable of.

First 5K in 27:10 and 8:45 average pace....so awesome.

I was supposed to see Dennette and her family at around 5 miles as they live on the left side of the course. I kept my eyes on the spectators but never saw them. Found out later they were on the RIGHT side of the course, but they saw me and they were armed with the GREATEST signs on the course that day.

Second 5K in 26:53 and 8:39 average pace. I was at 54:03 overall in the first 5K. That used to be similar to the fastest I could run a standalone 10K. How far I've come! I felt really great and strong and in control and loved the fact that I was pushing myself and seeing what I could do. I saw Greg across the road with our friend Landon and it was a nice boost to see them.

I think this was somewhere around 10K into the race

Just as I suspected, the rollers were not bothering me. They were not difficult inclines and the downhills that followed felt great to run down. Using different muscles was a big positive in my book and I was enjoying the challenge of the course.

Now, don't get me wrong. I knew this pace wasn't easy. I was putting it all out there and mentally telling myself I could keep running this for 26 miles. But I was under no illusion that it was definitive that I would be successful. The air was just plain wet. The pics all look like it rained the whole time as the ground was wet, but it was just overnight rain and mist that just never evaporated.

Third 5K in 26:55 and 8:40 pace, holding strong. 1:20:58 for the first 15K.

Fourth 5K in 26:49 and 8:38 pace and 1:47:47 for the first 20K.

This is about where it definitely was fatiguing me, but not horribly worrying me. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I'd likely be hurting big time at the end. But nonetheless, I kept my balls out and continued swinging for the fences.

Greg saw me at the halfway point and he could tell I wasn't my usual "happy face" Steph and it gave him pause. He knew it was hurting me now.

My first half was in 1:53:31, which just happens to be the third fastest half marathon I have ever run, stand alone or in a marathon. Third fastest, holy crap. And I still had 13.1 miles to run, and hopefully at a faster pace. I had hit the halfway point running 8:40 average pace, just a little under my target. It was BQ pace by a lot, so even if I maintained my pace I would have a BQ time by a few minutes. I couldn't complain about that.

This is the point where I started negotiating with myself. I was starting to have a hard time speeding up like I had planned, so I kept maintaining my pace as best as I could.

My fifth 5K was in 27:08, and 8:45 pace so I had slowed down. Not by a lot, but if I wanted a comfortable BQ cushion, I couldn't slow down anymore. My 25K time was 2:14:55. Crazy to think that the winning male would've already crossed the finish and the women weren't far behind. And here I was with nearly 11 miles to go.

The balls that I started with in Folsom were definitely starting to shrivel. Things were getting a bit hard, and this was kind of early for them to be getting hard. My left Achilles was most definitely bugging me, but not getting worse as the race progressed. I'm sure it affected my pace slightly. I'm not sure exactly when, but I know we got a few minutes of rain. It felt so good, but it didn't last nearly long enough. I wasn't feeling hot, but I wasn't cold either and I was desperately wishing for some cold. The air wasn't bugging me too much, but it's entirely possible my lungs were starting to rebel. My heartrate was definitely higher than I expected it to be, but rather than intentionally slow down like I did in Boston (so I could actually enjoy the experience and not suffer and hate it), I just kept running hard. Greg always tells me to just shut up and run and that's what I continued to do.

When Mile 17 came in at 9:15 after I took a longer time to make my way through the water stop, I knew that this was the point where either I try to run through this pain, or I cut myself some slack and protect my sub-4. HOW BAD DID I WANT THIS??

Sixth 5K was in 28:59 and 9:20 pace....I was now over 2 minutes off the 5k split I wanted to be at. I was running dangerously close to having the 3:50 pacer pass me and losing my BQ. My 30K time was 2:43:54.

It was at this point that I decided that I, in fact, did NOT want the BQ bad enough to suffer more than I was for 7+ more miles. I would still need to run some semblance of an 8:45 pace to squeak under 3:50, but my brain was having trouble doing math. At this point, hanging onto 9:15 miles hurt. BUT I was still running well enough to break 4 hours by a few minutes, so that's where my focus shifted. NO WAY was I going to see a 4 in my finish time.

Now, if I had really been thinking clearly, I would've thought about breaking 9 minute average pace, but hindsight is 20/20.

I saw Greg at 20 miles, along with some dinosaurs, and that provided a boost to me and my morale. I did give him a little pout and a thumbs down, but unfortunately that only served to really worry him about how I was doing. I held up four fingers as I passed in the hopes that he knew I was going for the sub-4, but he didn't really understood that's what I meant.

Thumbs down to losing my BQ

So poor Greg spent the next 6.2 miles of my journey worried that I was incredibly upset.

HECK NO I WASN'T UPSET! I was running a freaking marathon into downtown Sacramento and it was going to be my 3rd fastest by a long shot. I was going to be under 4 hours and it wasn't going to be an epic implosion, nor was I going to run any miles over 10 minute pace. I wasn't even going to give into walking, except to grab fuel as quickly as I could at the water stops.

Seventh 5K was in 29:36 and 9:36 pace. 35K was in 3:13:30.

But seriously, I haven't felt this much pain at the end of a marathon in a long time. Where was my rain? The sun tried to peak out of the clouds a couple times but mercifully went away just as quick as it came out. I still wasn't feeling particularly hot THANK GOD. Since my pace was slower, my heartrate dropped about 10 beats so I was breathing easier. But my legs were struggling. I kept giving myself all sorts of pep talks to keep moving, I kept looking at my time and how much longer I needed to run and reminding myself I was well on my way to breaking 4 hours by a long shot.

Coming across the American River at mile 22

As you get into Sacramento, you start running by all the numbered streets. I remember seeing numbers in the 50s and knew that we didn't make the turn towards the Capitol and the finish line until 8th Street. Good Lord, that's a lot of streets to count down, and they were going by SO SLOWLY. It seemed like it took forever for the numbers to get into the 30s, then the 20s, and then at that point, I was running on sheer will. My body HATED ME.

Eighth 5K was in 29:59. YIKES. I was still slowing, but it wasn't horrible. It was ugly, but not horrible. I was at 3:43:29, so basically with almost 1.4 miles to run I was almost at my original goal time of 3:45. OOPS.

Did I mention that the streets were going by so slowly? I started counting down the tenths of a mile at this point.

Making those last two turns, first onto 8th street and then towards the Capitol was the best feeling! Only I couldn't speed up in that last stretch and in the finish video that Greg took I look incredibly pathetic with all these people passing me. But that's what I was willing to give to finish this damn thing out.

I crossed the finish line in 3:56:50, with a 9:02 average pace. Oh, if only I had thought to speed up just enough to see 8:59 average pace. So, that's really the only regret I have.

Gosh, what a big finish line smile. Ha.

I mustered up a BLAZING 9:48 pace for the last 2.2 km. Just BLAZING, I tell you. My slowest split of the day was the final split.

I had myself a quick little cry on Greg's shoulder when I found him at the side of the finish chute, and got that out of my system. I wasn't disappointed, but I was just plain exhausted at the mental and physical effort it took to salvage some semblance of a good race after my A goal went out the window.

Recovery Coke, with rum hidden in it, of course

My 16th marathon was complete. It was my 3rd fastest and my 3rd sub-4. I am nearly 46 years old and can still crank out a good marathon time and be proud of myself. With the exception of the last mile, I did manage to continually improve my placing in the field.

My last four marathons have been my four fastest....my fastest half splits have come in these four races. I am learning how to truly race a marathon distance and pushing myself to see what I can do, without fear of failure. I had a 9:48 positive split in this race....BUT....

I'm really proud of myself.

This is a FAST field, and to see my placing be respectable was a big positive

I loved experiencing this weekend with this girl!

When I got back to Round Rock and was unpacking, I noticed that there was an energy gel still in my handheld. I shouldn't have had an extra gel, as I took four with me on the course and planned to take them every 5 miles. Apparently, I never took one after 15 miles. I was still hydrating with Nuun Endurance and getting calories that way, so it's hard to know if a lack of my final gel had any effect on how I felt. We will never know and I'm not going to dwell on what could've been. But I could still kick myself for forgetting to fuel at 20 miles. It's a rookie mistake to make.

Because my Achilles is still tender and needs a little rest, rather than running the Atlanta Marathon on March 1, I am downgrading to the half marathon. I need a bit of lower mileage right now and to give my brain a rest. Greg is going to run that half marathon with me and we are going to have a great time watching the Olympic Trials the day before, so I'm very much looking forward to the trip.

Greg had another surprise in store for me as well. Back in October I applied for guaranteed entry into the Chicago Marathon and was accepted, but Greg maintained that he was still retired from marathons. I joked that I might enter him into the lottery anyway, but I did not.

He posted this on Facebook on Thursday when they notified the lottery applicants of their status, sneaky man:

The man always keeps me on my toes.

Chicago training starts in June!

It's Race Week!

After 18 weeks, I'm finally in the home stretch of my marathon training cycle. In six days, I'll toe the line in Folsom, California, and run my 16th marathon.

It never gets any less nerve wracking.

I go back and forth between thinking I'm prepared to run a PR race, and then I get massive nerves thinking that maybe I'm not quite there. It hasn't been a perfect training cycle (are they ever?), but I know that I put in great effort and I'm in very good shape right now. I had a biometric screening done for my health insurance this morning, and I'm at my ideal racing weight and my blood pressure was great, and I'm really pleased with that! I haven't weighed myself once during this cycle, so to see my efforts quantified with the number I was hoping for is a confidence boost.

Since my peak week of training, I've focused on less volume and intensity to repair my body and prepare it for the stress of 26.2 miles. Last Thursday was our Turkey Trot 5 miler, and my plan wasn't to race it but to get into a groove and just cruise at a difficult pace and finish feeling good. The start of the race was very congested and there were many people in front of me running over 10 minute per mile pace, while I had planned to run about 8:15-8:30. So that first mile was all over the place for me, dodging past people when I could and hoping for an opening in the crowd to settle in. It took about a half mile before the crowd opened up and I could finally relax a bit. First mile was an 8:16, which was quicker than I expected. Mile 2 was definitely faster than I had wanted to run, at 7:48, so I backed off for the next couple miles, running 8:05 and 8:06. I still felt pretty good, like I could continue to run that pace without overdoing it for the rest of race. Last mile came in at 7:50 so I averaged about 8:00 overall. I was very pleased that my average heartrate was 153 and I never hit zone 5. Two years ago I ran a faster race, but I was still over two weeks out from my marathon, so I felt like I could run all out then, while this time I knew that just wouldn't be necessary or really smart for me. Feeling good at 8:00 pace ten days before CIM seems pretty great to me! I didn't feel any weird pains or muscle tightness, so I know my taper is going well.

But then there's always that one run in the taper that screws with your head. That was my easy run this past Saturday morning. It was 73 degrees and extremely humid out. Not quite as bad as our summer, but way warmer than what we've typically been running in for the last couple months. To be honest, I felt like total crap on that run. My heartrate was too high (I didn't even look during the run, but analyzed after) and my breathing sucked. Fortunately, however, yesterday's easy 10 miler was a million times better. It was 30 degrees cooler and only about 40% humidity (exactly what I want for race day). I got stronger as the run progressed, and it was my last longish run of the cycle.

I do, however, feel like I might have a touch of tendinitis in my left heel. It's staying at bay, and I'm hoping the rest after the race will help it to settle down. I didn't feel it during the Turkey Trot, but I did feel it during my weekend runs. Funny enough, it's always my right side that bugs me, so to have a pain on my left side is different. My right side isn't giving me any trouble right now!

For this week, I'll only be running easy pace, with maybe a few strides thrown into tomorrow's run. Now is the time for me to continue to baby my body - sleeping well, eating well, hydrating, foam rolling, icing, and relaxing. I got a deep tissue massage last Tuesday and it was absolutely wonderful. I've scheduled my next massage for 3 days after the race, and I have a feeling I might start getting addicted to these massages. Sorry, Greg!

I travel to Sacramento on Friday morning, and Greg will follow that night. I am staying right near the finish line and I know being in that area will get me excited for the race. Seeing the finish line set up is always a boost, plus there's the Capitol 5k on Saturday morning (I'm not running, but will probably go cheer). I've got dinner reservations for Saturday night, and my girlfriend from the Austin area who is running is joining us. I'll be laying low most of Saturday trying to shake my nerves and getting my game face on. I have a really big goal for this race and I definitely need to dial in my focus.

Sunday morning will start super early. The bus to the start line leaves at 5am! That's going to be a little rough, but it was similar in Mississippi two years ago, so I know what to expect. I'm glad that they allow us to hang out on the bus until we have to get to the corrals, because it will be pretty chilly and the rain forecast keeps going back and forth every time I check the weather. I think I might actually prefer a little rain as I tend to naturally speed up. I don't think we are going to have any issue with the temperature during the race as it should stay in the 40s to low 50s the entire time. That's a huge weight off my shoulders. When the Boston forecast shifted from cold rain to warm, sunny, and humid, it totally sucked. One of the reasons that I picked CIM is that the weather is almost always ideal for the race. It appears that this year will be no different.

In other words, I don't have any reason to hold back. Balls to the wall with a BQ as the goal!

If anyone is interested in tracking, they do have runner tracking with the details on the race home page. There's even an app, and I think the app shows 5K splits. I'm working on my pacing plan right now, and if I keep my 5K splits between 26 and 27 minutes I'll hit my goal. That's a lot of 27 minute 5Ks to string together!

About a month ago, I stopped getting sucked into social media. The negativity was just not good for my mental health and I needed to focus on taking better care of myself while heading into the most intense week of training. It's still been quite a stressful month, unfortunately. My daughter has regressed with her struggles and we've put a lot of time, effort, and money into figuring out how to turn the ship back around. Being on edge wondering when things are going to go downhill again is extremely exhausting. On top of that, she sprained her ankle and damaged her ligaments right before Thanksgiving break, which means a boot for six weeks. And then ON TOP OF THAT, she found out the next day that her favorite teacher was having sex with a 17 year old student in her classroom and has been fired and arrested. My poor kid doesn't need anymore bullshit to deal with, and we don't need anymore hysterical episodes to navigate. AND THEN, I found out the version of a medication I'm taking is no longer being covered by my insurance, and now I need to fight for that.

Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't completely lost my shit, because there are times I wonder how much longer I can deal with this. So while I have checked into some Facebook pages (the race, my kids' schools, etc), I'm not participating in any dialogue and avoiding checking Messenger. Texting is my go-to communication right now, and it's working for me.

Six more days!!