I suppose this blog post is going to be a bit of a PSA. If it sounds preachy, I'm sorry. If I sound angry, I guess I kind of am a little bit.
If you feel like something is not right with either you or your children, physically or mentally, listen to your instincts and get help.
One of two things will happen...either you can rule out anything major OR you can find out your gut was right and take the steps to make things better. Just get help.
If your friends or loved ones express concern about anything with their family, BE SUPPORTIVE.
Don't tell them it's just a phase.
Don't tell them to look on the bright side.
And whatever you do, don't laugh it off.
Their fears may be completely justified.
Obviously, I speak from experience. My family's mental health journey continues to evolve and take turns that will take all of my strength and attention. My parenting instincts were right in thinking that "this just isn't normal behavior," even at puberty. Yes, there is drama, yes there is disrespect, yes there are tears. The issues of a pre-teen or teenager are very real and very difficult, different than toddler or elementary age problems, but typically problems on a bigger scale....this is all true. But I know what's normal and what is not normal.
MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT.
The journey to professional help began two years ago, when I had to quit my job to focus on helping our daughter, but it hasn't been a consistent journey. After a few months of counseling sessions, I believed that perhaps we could deal with the issues that my daughter faced and we discontinued counseling. Over the next year-plus, things continued to get worse and worse until we finally had to face the reality that we needed serious professional help for her. Over the last 10 weeks she has been in psychotherapy. But even then, we knew it went even beyond this.
WE WERE RIGHT. The journey continues on a new path and it will be something that she has to deal with potentially for her entire life.
Considering my own mental health struggles I guess I should not be surprised by this. But I am angry and frustrated.
We have been told by those around us that "she's a girl," "she's a pre-teen," and they are "difficult" at that age. That she will outgrow this. Or to "just wait...it gets even worse!" followed by a laugh or two. Probably all true statements, but it completely invalidates our concern and need for support.
My husband and I have doubted ourselves so many times over the last two years. Thank God we walked into the psychologist's office and were told that this is not normal and she was there to help us and our daughter. She validated every single thought we've had and has been there to help us make sense of it all.
We begin today processing everything we believe to now be true, to finding a new path, and to helping our daughter (and our son, who struggles dealing with our household issues on a daily basis) to lead a happy and balanced life.
I am so angry about all of this. I am so frustrated that we were dealt this bad hand in life. I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I'm trying to let go of those selfish feelings, but for now they are real.
If you have a friend or family member going through a very real and very scary struggle, be supportive.
Be patient.
Be forgiving.
If you have not dealt with mental health struggles in your immediate family then you can't truly know what it means. If you do not have children of your own, then you can't know what this is like. I would never presume to know how it is to live with something I have no first-hand knowledge of. I know I've done it, however, and for that I'm sorry. But what you can do is be a listening ear if someone needs it. People always need a friend. If you have "the greatest kids ever," embrace just how lucky you are.
I know that in the face of all of this, my husband and I need to take care of ourselves as well. The stress is very overwhelming at times and we need our outlets for that stress. I take medication for my anxiety, and I use exercise to help cope. I will always need that. But I'm also cutting myself a lot of slack by resting as much as I can. I'm looking forward to a summer spent in my backyard, enjoying what we've built and created and using it for stress therapy. I wish I could just run away from all of it sometimes but parents don't get that choice. We must face what's given to us head on.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
Success and Looking Ahead
Thank you, baby Jesus, for a great relay last weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
A short summary of the awesomeness....I committed to 9:30 pace and I actually ran 9:00 pace across my three legs and 14.61 miles. And it didn't feel like I was running any faster than 9:30 pace the entire time. And I didn't fall apart. And nothing hurt!! And I could've run another leg if my team had needed me.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???
I am officially off of the injured list. I have rehabilitated successfully. I am well on my way to future awesomeness.
Of course, I still have to be smart and continue my strength training and make sure my body stays in balance, and I have to increase my mileage and speed slowly, and I can't be stupid about any of it.
BUT HOLY MOTHER OF FABULOUS!!
So what is one of the first things that I do? I register for another race, of course.
My husband (who hasn't run more than 6 miles at a time in forever) and I are going to run the Wildflower Trail Half Marathon on May 7 in Bastrop. I have wanted to do another trail race for quite awhile (I haven't done one since 2013). I also wanted to introduce my husband to the greatness of trail racing. Originally we were going to register for a 10K later on in May on a much more technical trail, but since I had such a great experience at the relay of course I had to aim much bigger than that. My poor husband. It's a good thing I'm much slower than him so adding so much distance onto what he's actually trained for won't really kill him.
I have also already written my training plan for my next marathon....NINE MONTHS AWAY. I decided since first, I had been injured, and second, it will be two years since my last marathon, that I would write up a six month plan. Normally I would only focus on it for four months but I want to be sure I get enough base miles in over the summer before I focus more on volume, speed, and efficiency in the fall.
What's my goal?
A FREAKING PERSONAL BEST, DAMMIT.
As for triathlon season....I really have no idea about that right now. I'm getting back in the water and I'm going on rides, but I'm not planning any actual triathlons this season quite yet. Sometimes it's good to change focus.
I'm just so glad I'm feeling so much better.
A short summary of the awesomeness....I committed to 9:30 pace and I actually ran 9:00 pace across my three legs and 14.61 miles. And it didn't feel like I was running any faster than 9:30 pace the entire time. And I didn't fall apart. And nothing hurt!! And I could've run another leg if my team had needed me.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???
I am officially off of the injured list. I have rehabilitated successfully. I am well on my way to future awesomeness.
Of course, I still have to be smart and continue my strength training and make sure my body stays in balance, and I have to increase my mileage and speed slowly, and I can't be stupid about any of it.
BUT HOLY MOTHER OF FABULOUS!!
So what is one of the first things that I do? I register for another race, of course.
My husband (who hasn't run more than 6 miles at a time in forever) and I are going to run the Wildflower Trail Half Marathon on May 7 in Bastrop. I have wanted to do another trail race for quite awhile (I haven't done one since 2013). I also wanted to introduce my husband to the greatness of trail racing. Originally we were going to register for a 10K later on in May on a much more technical trail, but since I had such a great experience at the relay of course I had to aim much bigger than that. My poor husband. It's a good thing I'm much slower than him so adding so much distance onto what he's actually trained for won't really kill him.
I have also already written my training plan for my next marathon....NINE MONTHS AWAY. I decided since first, I had been injured, and second, it will be two years since my last marathon, that I would write up a six month plan. Normally I would only focus on it for four months but I want to be sure I get enough base miles in over the summer before I focus more on volume, speed, and efficiency in the fall.
What's my goal?
A FREAKING PERSONAL BEST, DAMMIT.
As for triathlon season....I really have no idea about that right now. I'm getting back in the water and I'm going on rides, but I'm not planning any actual triathlons this season quite yet. Sometimes it's good to change focus.
I'm just so glad I'm feeling so much better.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Keep on Truckin'
Some days are good. Some days suck.
But first, with the good. I'm well on my way to recovery physically. I played it very smart and slowly built up my mileage without adding any speed, typically running three times per week. Once I was comfortable with 6 miles, I started adding interval training but still not running all out. I think it's been a very good plan. This past weekend I ran nearly 11 miles, albeit a very easy pace with a speed up only in the last two or three miles, and I was happy to find that there was absolutely no soreness from it. Even with yard work for a few hours later in the day, my legs held up just fine. The strength training I've been fairly consistent at during recovery has helped tremendously in my recovery, and it's making me feel better overall.
I'm far from at my peak. I do miss the days of not having any trouble running 9 minute pace on long runs. I miss running 8:45 pace for a half marathon race. I miss the long LONG runs of marathon training. But I'll get there soon, with a continued build up of distance and speed and strength. I registered for The Louisiana Marathon in January and I'm looking at it as my ultimate comeback race. It's actually the only race I have on my calendar besides this coming weekend's Texas Independence Relay. It remains to be seen if I add anything else. In all honesty, having no pressure on myself has been a pretty great thing.
As for the relay this coming weekend....I went back and forth for weeks on whether or not I was really going to participate. It takes a lot physically and mentally to do a team 200 mile relay and with all the other stresses in my life, in addition to injury rehab, I just wasn't sure it would be good for me. But I stuck it out and I'm doing it. It will be my team's 7th year in a row of participating. I am sad I had to commit to such a slow pace, the slowest I will have run in all 7 years. But I'm doing it.
With running aside, however, life is still a bit of a crapshoot.
My daughter has been in therapy for 6 weeks now. Overall, is has been helping her (thank God) but there are still so many unknowns and a few curveballs have been thrown at her dad and me. When it's a bad day, it's a really really bad day. Thankfully the bad days are far fewer, but I still get completely knocked down emotionally on the bad days. As a matter of fact, right now I'm completely exhausted and am finding it very difficult to find my Monday Motivation. Hence, a blog post!
My son is doing okay. He's a full-on teenager now, complete with the emotions and growing pains involved in that. He's slowly finding his motivation with school despite his struggles with ADHD. He has his hiccups and I hear from teachers occasionally. He has moments of speaking before he thinks and I have to remind him of compassion and sensitivity and how important it is to display that as often as possible. I worry about how he's feeling on the inside, although he tells me he's okay. But I still worry that he's keeping something inside, or that he's hurting and won't discuss it. I suppose the best thing I can do is to make sure he always knows I'm his biggest fan and I am there for him.
I'm trying to let go of the debilitating feeling that this is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I had a pretty good childhood, and although I always knew I was different than a lot of kids and struggled to fit in sometimes, I was motivated to succeed and I held tightly to those things I could control. Emotionally I was sometimes quite a wreck, but I've come to terms with a lot of that now that I understand it more. But I never had the difficulties my own children have. I knew how to focus, I didn't get in trouble at school, and did not have frequent, raging fits at home. My kids are not so lucky. Raising them is far more difficult than I ever could have imagined it would be. Yes, I'm fully aware that parenting is the hardest thing a person will ever do in their lives. But the struggle with my kids goes well beyond that. I envisioned lots of travel, lots of family time, a successful school career, and lots of smiles. It's hard to let that fantasy go and to find the alternatives that suit my kids' struggles better. I'm still hoping we get more travel in (my kids do not fly), and I'm hoping that the steps we are making now will still translate to success in school (my oldest goes to high school next year and he knows what the stakes are).
Oh, and everything is STILL BREAKING at my house. This past week it was the second A/C unit and the repair bill was a doozy. When the cost of everything that has broken or gone wrong (pet illnesses were bad, too) adds up to more than what I paid for my last new car, you know it's been a bad 12 months. There's only so much even a decent and secure salary can cover without it really starting to hurt. My stomach is constantly in knots wondering what else is going to go wrong and how much it will cost.
(Side note: my backyard does look pretty wonderful, however, and yes my husband and I are continuing to do ALL the new landscaping ourselves. I have a feeling it's going to be my oasis for many years to come, and thank God for that because I need an oasis!)
It will probably be good for me to let all of this go for a few days while I embark on the relay this weekend. Physically it will tire me out, but emotionally it will be good to only have to focus on myself.
Meanwhile, one day at a time....I keep on truckin'....
But first, with the good. I'm well on my way to recovery physically. I played it very smart and slowly built up my mileage without adding any speed, typically running three times per week. Once I was comfortable with 6 miles, I started adding interval training but still not running all out. I think it's been a very good plan. This past weekend I ran nearly 11 miles, albeit a very easy pace with a speed up only in the last two or three miles, and I was happy to find that there was absolutely no soreness from it. Even with yard work for a few hours later in the day, my legs held up just fine. The strength training I've been fairly consistent at during recovery has helped tremendously in my recovery, and it's making me feel better overall.
I'm far from at my peak. I do miss the days of not having any trouble running 9 minute pace on long runs. I miss running 8:45 pace for a half marathon race. I miss the long LONG runs of marathon training. But I'll get there soon, with a continued build up of distance and speed and strength. I registered for The Louisiana Marathon in January and I'm looking at it as my ultimate comeback race. It's actually the only race I have on my calendar besides this coming weekend's Texas Independence Relay. It remains to be seen if I add anything else. In all honesty, having no pressure on myself has been a pretty great thing.
As for the relay this coming weekend....I went back and forth for weeks on whether or not I was really going to participate. It takes a lot physically and mentally to do a team 200 mile relay and with all the other stresses in my life, in addition to injury rehab, I just wasn't sure it would be good for me. But I stuck it out and I'm doing it. It will be my team's 7th year in a row of participating. I am sad I had to commit to such a slow pace, the slowest I will have run in all 7 years. But I'm doing it.
With running aside, however, life is still a bit of a crapshoot.
My daughter has been in therapy for 6 weeks now. Overall, is has been helping her (thank God) but there are still so many unknowns and a few curveballs have been thrown at her dad and me. When it's a bad day, it's a really really bad day. Thankfully the bad days are far fewer, but I still get completely knocked down emotionally on the bad days. As a matter of fact, right now I'm completely exhausted and am finding it very difficult to find my Monday Motivation. Hence, a blog post!
My son is doing okay. He's a full-on teenager now, complete with the emotions and growing pains involved in that. He's slowly finding his motivation with school despite his struggles with ADHD. He has his hiccups and I hear from teachers occasionally. He has moments of speaking before he thinks and I have to remind him of compassion and sensitivity and how important it is to display that as often as possible. I worry about how he's feeling on the inside, although he tells me he's okay. But I still worry that he's keeping something inside, or that he's hurting and won't discuss it. I suppose the best thing I can do is to make sure he always knows I'm his biggest fan and I am there for him.
I'm trying to let go of the debilitating feeling that this is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I had a pretty good childhood, and although I always knew I was different than a lot of kids and struggled to fit in sometimes, I was motivated to succeed and I held tightly to those things I could control. Emotionally I was sometimes quite a wreck, but I've come to terms with a lot of that now that I understand it more. But I never had the difficulties my own children have. I knew how to focus, I didn't get in trouble at school, and did not have frequent, raging fits at home. My kids are not so lucky. Raising them is far more difficult than I ever could have imagined it would be. Yes, I'm fully aware that parenting is the hardest thing a person will ever do in their lives. But the struggle with my kids goes well beyond that. I envisioned lots of travel, lots of family time, a successful school career, and lots of smiles. It's hard to let that fantasy go and to find the alternatives that suit my kids' struggles better. I'm still hoping we get more travel in (my kids do not fly), and I'm hoping that the steps we are making now will still translate to success in school (my oldest goes to high school next year and he knows what the stakes are).
Oh, and everything is STILL BREAKING at my house. This past week it was the second A/C unit and the repair bill was a doozy. When the cost of everything that has broken or gone wrong (pet illnesses were bad, too) adds up to more than what I paid for my last new car, you know it's been a bad 12 months. There's only so much even a decent and secure salary can cover without it really starting to hurt. My stomach is constantly in knots wondering what else is going to go wrong and how much it will cost.
(Side note: my backyard does look pretty wonderful, however, and yes my husband and I are continuing to do ALL the new landscaping ourselves. I have a feeling it's going to be my oasis for many years to come, and thank God for that because I need an oasis!)
It will probably be good for me to let all of this go for a few days while I embark on the relay this weekend. Physically it will tire me out, but emotionally it will be good to only have to focus on myself.
Meanwhile, one day at a time....I keep on truckin'....
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Adulting is Hard
Back when I was a little girl I used to fantasize about what being an adult would mean, how much fun it would be, how I'd have such a great little family, and I just couldn't wait to be grown up.
Oh, man.
Can I go back to being six years old, please, living in our adorable home in California, with my awesome parents and sister and our cocker spaniel, George?
Shit.
I feel like all I do is complain right now. About everything. I'm sure it's annoying as hell to some people, but it's where I'm at right now. I'm sure some people don't understand what I could possibly be complaining about. Well....trust me, there's plenty. My last blog post was fairly positive and it was only eight days ago.....it's amazing what can happen in eight days.
Picture this....you take a stack of little blocks and put one on top of the other until it grows very tall. Eventually, those blocks will tip over and crash. Now imagine each of those little blocks represents a minor problem. Stack up a bunch of minor problems and then they grow into one big tall tower, until it gets to be too much and everything just crashes.
I think my tower of blocks crashed on Sunday.
However, some of my blocks aren't so little.
Over the course of the last couple years, my little problems stacked up. In the last couple months, they've been stacking up at a rapid rate. Maybe any of one of them examined separately doesn't seem like such a big deal, but like I said....they aren't separate at all.
Everything keeps breaking. If you are a homeowner you understand that shit gets expensive. Replacing a dishwasher, a microwave, a garage door, and an A/C unit, A DAMN CAR, and repairing plumbing leaks might not seem so bad IF IT WAS JUST ONE OR TWO of those. But throw them all in, and then some, in less than a year and holy freaking cow.
My health had gone downhill. Now, mind you, none of it is a huge problem. After all, I don't have cancer or any other life threatening illnesses, as do some of my friends. But any kind of health problem can be alarming and overwhelming regardless of severity.
I became injured. Not such a big deal to those who don't have a regular exercise routine. But it is a big deal for a woman who is trying to defeat a terrible family history and who uses exercise as a coping strategy for depression and anxiety.
Speaking of mental illness, I had to stop taking my usual medication. The withdrawal was excruciating for over two weeks.
I have to seek treatment for another medical condition, and although I did get good news about it last week, there is still a small chance of surgery in my very near future. In the meantime, I have to take yet another medication.
(Also, don't get me started on my medical insurance and the hassles I have had to deal with this year just to get an MRI and my prescriptions filled. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
My dog died. I suppose this one is a big block. She was thirteen years old and it was not expected that we would be putting her down.
Now the blocks are going to get even bigger....
My kids. Oh, my kids.
I have one son who has ADHD, and while we have been able to control much of his symptoms, he still has his moments of forgetfulness and insensitivity that can be directly related to how his brain is wired. I get phone calls and emails from school that break my heart. Thankfully, he is developing maturity pretty rapidly and he and I can have some really wonderful conversations that I cherish.
As for my daughter, I will say this is my biggest block and the reason that the whole tower came tumbling down. I will not go into a lot of detail, because frankly, the details need to remain private. But imagine your child's typical outburst. Now multiply it by ten. Now imagine half your life in the bubble of that outburst. But let me be very clear...
It is not because she is a pre-teen.
It is not because of school.
It is not because "this is just how kids are."
She needs professional help to deal with how her brain is working. It will not go away on it's own. She will not necessarily "outgrow it."
Seeking that help and letting the gravity of it sink in is how I came to my feelings on Sunday. Perhaps I hit rock bottom. It's pretty ugly to feel that despondent. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So what have I done to lessen the stress?
I have exactly ONE commitment right now. ONE. I let everything else go. I literally have no room in my mind for more than one commitment. It means I have disappointed people, I'm sure, but I had to put myself and my family first. Simple as that. Take it or leave it. Hopefully most of my friends understand.
I unfortunately have lashed out here and there. I don't have the ability to control a lot of my emotions right now. I cry all the time. I get easily frustrated. I just have no patience. The bear can't handle being poked right now. At all.
I do not want to continue feeling this way. Writing it out like this has helped, and I'll continue to use this as an outlet for my feelings. Blogs don't talk back. Blogs don't have advice. I don't need any of that. I just need to process my feelings and move forward one step at a time.
One thing I do take from all of this. Just because someone's problems don't seem all that big, they ARE big to them. You don't know what else they are dealing with. If you're feeling down about something, stop telling yourself "well, at least I don't have a REAL problem."
YOUR PROBLEMS ARE REAL TO YOU.
Oh, man.
Can I go back to being six years old, please, living in our adorable home in California, with my awesome parents and sister and our cocker spaniel, George?
Shit.
I feel like all I do is complain right now. About everything. I'm sure it's annoying as hell to some people, but it's where I'm at right now. I'm sure some people don't understand what I could possibly be complaining about. Well....trust me, there's plenty. My last blog post was fairly positive and it was only eight days ago.....it's amazing what can happen in eight days.
Picture this....you take a stack of little blocks and put one on top of the other until it grows very tall. Eventually, those blocks will tip over and crash. Now imagine each of those little blocks represents a minor problem. Stack up a bunch of minor problems and then they grow into one big tall tower, until it gets to be too much and everything just crashes.
I think my tower of blocks crashed on Sunday.
However, some of my blocks aren't so little.
Over the course of the last couple years, my little problems stacked up. In the last couple months, they've been stacking up at a rapid rate. Maybe any of one of them examined separately doesn't seem like such a big deal, but like I said....they aren't separate at all.
Everything keeps breaking. If you are a homeowner you understand that shit gets expensive. Replacing a dishwasher, a microwave, a garage door, and an A/C unit, A DAMN CAR, and repairing plumbing leaks might not seem so bad IF IT WAS JUST ONE OR TWO of those. But throw them all in, and then some, in less than a year and holy freaking cow.
My health had gone downhill. Now, mind you, none of it is a huge problem. After all, I don't have cancer or any other life threatening illnesses, as do some of my friends. But any kind of health problem can be alarming and overwhelming regardless of severity.
I became injured. Not such a big deal to those who don't have a regular exercise routine. But it is a big deal for a woman who is trying to defeat a terrible family history and who uses exercise as a coping strategy for depression and anxiety.
 |
| This is a great representation of how dejected I feel about my fitness. My climb out of injury has been torturous. |
Speaking of mental illness, I had to stop taking my usual medication. The withdrawal was excruciating for over two weeks.
I have to seek treatment for another medical condition, and although I did get good news about it last week, there is still a small chance of surgery in my very near future. In the meantime, I have to take yet another medication.
(Also, don't get me started on my medical insurance and the hassles I have had to deal with this year just to get an MRI and my prescriptions filled. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
My dog died. I suppose this one is a big block. She was thirteen years old and it was not expected that we would be putting her down.
Now the blocks are going to get even bigger....
My kids. Oh, my kids.
I have one son who has ADHD, and while we have been able to control much of his symptoms, he still has his moments of forgetfulness and insensitivity that can be directly related to how his brain is wired. I get phone calls and emails from school that break my heart. Thankfully, he is developing maturity pretty rapidly and he and I can have some really wonderful conversations that I cherish.
As for my daughter, I will say this is my biggest block and the reason that the whole tower came tumbling down. I will not go into a lot of detail, because frankly, the details need to remain private. But imagine your child's typical outburst. Now multiply it by ten. Now imagine half your life in the bubble of that outburst. But let me be very clear...
It is not because she is a pre-teen.
It is not because of school.
It is not because "this is just how kids are."
She needs professional help to deal with how her brain is working. It will not go away on it's own. She will not necessarily "outgrow it."
Seeking that help and letting the gravity of it sink in is how I came to my feelings on Sunday. Perhaps I hit rock bottom. It's pretty ugly to feel that despondent. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So what have I done to lessen the stress?
I have exactly ONE commitment right now. ONE. I let everything else go. I literally have no room in my mind for more than one commitment. It means I have disappointed people, I'm sure, but I had to put myself and my family first. Simple as that. Take it or leave it. Hopefully most of my friends understand.
I unfortunately have lashed out here and there. I don't have the ability to control a lot of my emotions right now. I cry all the time. I get easily frustrated. I just have no patience. The bear can't handle being poked right now. At all.
I do not want to continue feeling this way. Writing it out like this has helped, and I'll continue to use this as an outlet for my feelings. Blogs don't talk back. Blogs don't have advice. I don't need any of that. I just need to process my feelings and move forward one step at a time.
One thing I do take from all of this. Just because someone's problems don't seem all that big, they ARE big to them. You don't know what else they are dealing with. If you're feeling down about something, stop telling yourself "well, at least I don't have a REAL problem."
YOUR PROBLEMS ARE REAL TO YOU.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Coming out of the fog
It's been a crazy few weeks of uncertainty and refocusing and finding a rhythm. But I think I'm coming out of the fog.
After finally getting the medication I needed to help my heel recovery, I'm on the upswing. I could kill my insurance company for the delay, but I'm grateful it's in my hands now. The inflammation is definitely improving and I am on a slow return to running and impact exercise. Being able to run again, albeit for short distances, is just beyond wonderful.
Because we are landscaping our backyard right now I've gotten a lot of real world functional strength training lately, and I think that's been good for me both physically and mentally. It feels good to not be tied to a gym or to a structured exercise routine (although I still have done several structured sessions), but to rather just get outside, throw around bags of rock or granite, and create something beautiful that we will be able to enjoy for years. I refuse to minimize the impact this has had on my mental well-being. Although this is a huge project we are undertaking, it's been a joy to do it. I don't mind getting out there, getting dirty, being exhausted, and spending insane amounts of money to do it (although, it's so much cheaper than hiring someone). Allowing our creativity to take shape as we go around the yard, to change our minds if we need to, and to envision the final product has really been a great experience for the family. It's a crazy amount of work and our weekends are consumed by it. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am beyond excited.
I've gone on a few runs in the last couple weeks, starting at 2 miles with my dogs, and moving up to a very slow 5.6 miles yesterday with the husband and a couple guys from my triathlon group, who are absolute angels for slowing down so much for me and taking the time to find a route on dirt or asphalt to minimize the impact to my heel. I am blessed to have supportive people around me, that's for sure. I'm frustrated by how slow I am and how hard it is for me to do endurance right now, but I know my struggles are temporary. I have to have patience. I can't push myself too hard or it will blow up in my face.
Yesterday I tracked many of my friends competing in the Austin Marathon and Half and it definitely gave me inspiration to not give up hope I can be a marathoner again. I want to run another marathon. I want to be successful in endurance sports again. But I know that it needs to be a long term goal, and I have been researching just which race I'd like to register for.
My search turned up the Louisiana Marathon. It's on my 43rd birthday in January and because it's a close enough drive for me, I have options on travel. It doesn't have to be an expensive weekend, which is a consideration for me since we are spending so much money on our backyard renovation. It's a race that gets incredible reviews every year, it's flat, and it has a dual-race option (5k or 1/4 marathon day before). Plus, it's a different race than I've done, which for me will be good mentally. I need something different, something fun, and something I'm excited to work towards. Besides, HELLO BIRTHDAY RACE. Registration doesn't open for a couple more weeks so I have plenty of time to make my decision.
Lastly, it appears as if my other medical problems are improving as well. I have a couple more doctor appointments in the near future, and a surgery to schedule, but I'm happy that it all doesn't seem so overwhelming anymore. The beginning of the year was just so rough for me. To have to take the reigns to turn around several negatives issues was overwhelming and confusing many days. But I have to remain thankful that all of these issues have resolutions that I'm in control over. I have friends battling much bigger health problems that are uncertain and scary, so I have to count my blessings and find the positive in all of this.
It's still an uphill climb, but I have faith I can summit and see the beauty again.
After finally getting the medication I needed to help my heel recovery, I'm on the upswing. I could kill my insurance company for the delay, but I'm grateful it's in my hands now. The inflammation is definitely improving and I am on a slow return to running and impact exercise. Being able to run again, albeit for short distances, is just beyond wonderful.
Because we are landscaping our backyard right now I've gotten a lot of real world functional strength training lately, and I think that's been good for me both physically and mentally. It feels good to not be tied to a gym or to a structured exercise routine (although I still have done several structured sessions), but to rather just get outside, throw around bags of rock or granite, and create something beautiful that we will be able to enjoy for years. I refuse to minimize the impact this has had on my mental well-being. Although this is a huge project we are undertaking, it's been a joy to do it. I don't mind getting out there, getting dirty, being exhausted, and spending insane amounts of money to do it (although, it's so much cheaper than hiring someone). Allowing our creativity to take shape as we go around the yard, to change our minds if we need to, and to envision the final product has really been a great experience for the family. It's a crazy amount of work and our weekends are consumed by it. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am beyond excited.
I've gone on a few runs in the last couple weeks, starting at 2 miles with my dogs, and moving up to a very slow 5.6 miles yesterday with the husband and a couple guys from my triathlon group, who are absolute angels for slowing down so much for me and taking the time to find a route on dirt or asphalt to minimize the impact to my heel. I am blessed to have supportive people around me, that's for sure. I'm frustrated by how slow I am and how hard it is for me to do endurance right now, but I know my struggles are temporary. I have to have patience. I can't push myself too hard or it will blow up in my face.
Yesterday I tracked many of my friends competing in the Austin Marathon and Half and it definitely gave me inspiration to not give up hope I can be a marathoner again. I want to run another marathon. I want to be successful in endurance sports again. But I know that it needs to be a long term goal, and I have been researching just which race I'd like to register for.
My search turned up the Louisiana Marathon. It's on my 43rd birthday in January and because it's a close enough drive for me, I have options on travel. It doesn't have to be an expensive weekend, which is a consideration for me since we are spending so much money on our backyard renovation. It's a race that gets incredible reviews every year, it's flat, and it has a dual-race option (5k or 1/4 marathon day before). Plus, it's a different race than I've done, which for me will be good mentally. I need something different, something fun, and something I'm excited to work towards. Besides, HELLO BIRTHDAY RACE. Registration doesn't open for a couple more weeks so I have plenty of time to make my decision.
Lastly, it appears as if my other medical problems are improving as well. I have a couple more doctor appointments in the near future, and a surgery to schedule, but I'm happy that it all doesn't seem so overwhelming anymore. The beginning of the year was just so rough for me. To have to take the reigns to turn around several negatives issues was overwhelming and confusing many days. But I have to remain thankful that all of these issues have resolutions that I'm in control over. I have friends battling much bigger health problems that are uncertain and scary, so I have to count my blessings and find the positive in all of this.
It's still an uphill climb, but I have faith I can summit and see the beauty again.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Another race...and Uncertainty
After 16 days off running.....SIXTEEN FREAKING DAYS....I ran the Houston Half Marathon. I actually didn't do all that bad, either!
Because there was still some uncertainty on my foot injury, I knew going into the half marathon that it could once again be one of my slowest ever, but I was okay with that. A weekend in Houston is always good therapy and I love the race. If it was going to require a lot walking to get that medal, then so be it.
Somehow I ended up in a fast corral. I guess I must have been feeling really good when I registered for the race, because they put me in a corral where the slowest pace was 9:00/mile. My goal for the race had dropped to about a 2:15, so I was going to be around a lot of fast people. I contemplated moving back to the next corral (where a few of my friends were), but decided to stay where I was and just stay off to the side of the road so people could pass me easily.
The race started off great. The energy in Houston is just awesome and after taking so much time off I actually felt fairly rested. I figured that feeling would pass eventually so I enjoyed it while I had it.
Within a half mile I felt twinges in my heel but thankfully those passed as I got warmed up and I was having no heel pain for many many miles. My goal was to make it 3 miles without having to take a walk break, but those miles passed without incident so I kept going. I was running about a 9:25 pace and feeling just fine.
Did I mention the weather was PERFECT?? In the low 40s and it would stay in the 40s for the entire race.
My next goal was to make it to 5 miles. Still no pain, so I decided the halfway point would be good. Still no pain!!
Wow....things were going well for me! I was still maintaining a good pace and got through the halfway point in just under 1:03. A far cry from my glory days, but far better than I expected for the day.
I decided to hold back just a bit in the second half so I wouldn't get caught up in the race environment and overdo it. I didn't feel pain in my heel until about the 15K point. I decided at that moment that I would take 1 minute walk breaks about every mile until the end of the race. At 10 miles I walked for 1 minute, then started back up into a jog. Funny enough, I was running well enough that mile 10 was still under 10 minute pace. At mile 11, I took another walk break and lo and behold it happened to be right by the beer tents.
Now, I've never drank beer during a race before but being that this was no ordinary race for me, I had to try something new. Beer for Steph!
Somehow, despite two shots of beer and a walk break I still ran 9:30 for that mile.
At this point there are less than 2 miles to go and I'm feeling a bit better so I decide to just finish up this race. I was feeling my IT band and my heel a bit during those miles, but I didn't speed up much at all and kept a very fast cadence to minimize the impact.
Because there was still some uncertainty on my foot injury, I knew going into the half marathon that it could once again be one of my slowest ever, but I was okay with that. A weekend in Houston is always good therapy and I love the race. If it was going to require a lot walking to get that medal, then so be it.
Somehow I ended up in a fast corral. I guess I must have been feeling really good when I registered for the race, because they put me in a corral where the slowest pace was 9:00/mile. My goal for the race had dropped to about a 2:15, so I was going to be around a lot of fast people. I contemplated moving back to the next corral (where a few of my friends were), but decided to stay where I was and just stay off to the side of the road so people could pass me easily.
The race started off great. The energy in Houston is just awesome and after taking so much time off I actually felt fairly rested. I figured that feeling would pass eventually so I enjoyed it while I had it.
Within a half mile I felt twinges in my heel but thankfully those passed as I got warmed up and I was having no heel pain for many many miles. My goal was to make it 3 miles without having to take a walk break, but those miles passed without incident so I kept going. I was running about a 9:25 pace and feeling just fine.
Did I mention the weather was PERFECT?? In the low 40s and it would stay in the 40s for the entire race.
My next goal was to make it to 5 miles. Still no pain, so I decided the halfway point would be good. Still no pain!!
Wow....things were going well for me! I was still maintaining a good pace and got through the halfway point in just under 1:03. A far cry from my glory days, but far better than I expected for the day.
I decided to hold back just a bit in the second half so I wouldn't get caught up in the race environment and overdo it. I didn't feel pain in my heel until about the 15K point. I decided at that moment that I would take 1 minute walk breaks about every mile until the end of the race. At 10 miles I walked for 1 minute, then started back up into a jog. Funny enough, I was running well enough that mile 10 was still under 10 minute pace. At mile 11, I took another walk break and lo and behold it happened to be right by the beer tents.
Now, I've never drank beer during a race before but being that this was no ordinary race for me, I had to try something new. Beer for Steph!
Somehow, despite two shots of beer and a walk break I still ran 9:30 for that mile.
At this point there are less than 2 miles to go and I'm feeling a bit better so I decide to just finish up this race. I was feeling my IT band and my heel a bit during those miles, but I didn't speed up much at all and kept a very fast cadence to minimize the impact.
I finished the race in 2:04:53 and I was thrilled! Basically anything under 2:15 would've thrilled me. Best part was that heel pain was minimal....at least right then it was.
By that evening I was in pain again. And more pain the next day....and the next. By Thursday I was in my podiatrist's office so we could get an MRI scheduled. Although it still wasn't likely I had a fracture, it wasn't out of the question, and I could possibly have a tear. Or it could be the original diagnosis of inflammation and tendinitis.
I got lucky. My MRI (which, by the way, because of our lovely insurance, cost me $800 out of my own pocket) showed NO DAMAGE! It was pretty incredible news considering the amount of pain I was in. All my tendons were intact and there was no sign of a stress fracture. It was, in fact, really bad inflammation.
What does this mean for me? It means I still take time off from impact exercise and then reintroduce it slowly. I need to focus on stretching and strength training so I can avoid this problem in the future. I get to use an anti-inflammatory gel for awhile to see if the nerve settles down, and if it doesn't then I can get a shot. It also means I still made the right decision to pull out of New Orleans Ironman 70.3. That race is 11 weeks away, which sounds like a lot of time but in reality, with injury rehab the most important thing, it's just not a smart choice. There will be other 70.3 races for me to choose from in the future.
In the midst of all of this, I have actually been dealing with other health issues and I admit it does have some bearing on my decision to reduce my future training for the time being. I have been having a lot of bad side effects from an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication I have been on for about two years, most notably severe fatigue. At first I attributed my symptoms to stress and possibly low thyroid function (I only have half of my thyroid). After getting my health insurance screening done last month and seeing in black and white that my health has definitely gone downhill as compared to a year ago, I knew that getting a full workup of my blood was in order, which I had done Monday. My results came in yesterday and almost all my numbers actually look great. My thyroid is functioning well, and my other numbers, with the exception of one, are all within normal range (the one bad reading is a whole other story! I am a mess)
So....the culprit is my medication. I have to go off of it and try a different one. Then I need to reverse the damage it has done to my body. I had anticipated this possibility so I had already started weaning myself off. I took my last pill Monday and am having some pretty bad withdrawals today. Now I hope that I see a positive change physically over the next few weeks. The fatigue was debilitating on some days.
I am also going back to my gastroenterologist. I have a condition called eosinophilic esophagitis that I have had since childhood (although it wasn't diagnosed until 2009). It means that a particular type of white blood cell (eosinophils) are attacking the tissue in my esophagus and creating strictures. I can't swallow anything other than very small pills and food will sometimes get stuck. It can be quite scary. In 2009 I had two endoscopies with esophageal dilatation to help correct the problem, but after so many years it has become necessary for me to repeat the procedure. My blood work over the years has shown a slow increase in my eosinophils and Monday's blood work was no different. It's the highest it has been in awhile. Scheduling my procedure needs to be a priority.
It is a lot to take in a short period of time, that's for sure. But actually having answers today makes me feel so much better about where I am headed. Taking charge of my health is a positive step. Racing is absolutely not an important part of the next few months, and it shouldn't be (one caveat....I am doing the relay in April....DUH...seven years in a row!). Time in the gym to strengthen my muscles and focusing on my eating habits are my top priority. After I feel like I have made progress, my injuries have resolved themselves, and I feel stronger, then I can decide what the future holds for my racing "career."
Ironically, I just read an article about reasons why you SHOULD NOT race. It's like it was speaking directly to me and just reinforced the decisions that I've made in the last couple weeks. Big weight off my shoulders, that's for sure!
By that evening I was in pain again. And more pain the next day....and the next. By Thursday I was in my podiatrist's office so we could get an MRI scheduled. Although it still wasn't likely I had a fracture, it wasn't out of the question, and I could possibly have a tear. Or it could be the original diagnosis of inflammation and tendinitis.
I got lucky. My MRI (which, by the way, because of our lovely insurance, cost me $800 out of my own pocket) showed NO DAMAGE! It was pretty incredible news considering the amount of pain I was in. All my tendons were intact and there was no sign of a stress fracture. It was, in fact, really bad inflammation.
What does this mean for me? It means I still take time off from impact exercise and then reintroduce it slowly. I need to focus on stretching and strength training so I can avoid this problem in the future. I get to use an anti-inflammatory gel for awhile to see if the nerve settles down, and if it doesn't then I can get a shot. It also means I still made the right decision to pull out of New Orleans Ironman 70.3. That race is 11 weeks away, which sounds like a lot of time but in reality, with injury rehab the most important thing, it's just not a smart choice. There will be other 70.3 races for me to choose from in the future.
In the midst of all of this, I have actually been dealing with other health issues and I admit it does have some bearing on my decision to reduce my future training for the time being. I have been having a lot of bad side effects from an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication I have been on for about two years, most notably severe fatigue. At first I attributed my symptoms to stress and possibly low thyroid function (I only have half of my thyroid). After getting my health insurance screening done last month and seeing in black and white that my health has definitely gone downhill as compared to a year ago, I knew that getting a full workup of my blood was in order, which I had done Monday. My results came in yesterday and almost all my numbers actually look great. My thyroid is functioning well, and my other numbers, with the exception of one, are all within normal range (the one bad reading is a whole other story! I am a mess)
So....the culprit is my medication. I have to go off of it and try a different one. Then I need to reverse the damage it has done to my body. I had anticipated this possibility so I had already started weaning myself off. I took my last pill Monday and am having some pretty bad withdrawals today. Now I hope that I see a positive change physically over the next few weeks. The fatigue was debilitating on some days.
I am also going back to my gastroenterologist. I have a condition called eosinophilic esophagitis that I have had since childhood (although it wasn't diagnosed until 2009). It means that a particular type of white blood cell (eosinophils) are attacking the tissue in my esophagus and creating strictures. I can't swallow anything other than very small pills and food will sometimes get stuck. It can be quite scary. In 2009 I had two endoscopies with esophageal dilatation to help correct the problem, but after so many years it has become necessary for me to repeat the procedure. My blood work over the years has shown a slow increase in my eosinophils and Monday's blood work was no different. It's the highest it has been in awhile. Scheduling my procedure needs to be a priority.
It is a lot to take in a short period of time, that's for sure. But actually having answers today makes me feel so much better about where I am headed. Taking charge of my health is a positive step. Racing is absolutely not an important part of the next few months, and it shouldn't be (one caveat....I am doing the relay in April....DUH...seven years in a row!). Time in the gym to strengthen my muscles and focusing on my eating habits are my top priority. After I feel like I have made progress, my injuries have resolved themselves, and I feel stronger, then I can decide what the future holds for my racing "career."
Ironically, I just read an article about reasons why you SHOULD NOT race. It's like it was speaking directly to me and just reinforced the decisions that I've made in the last couple weeks. Big weight off my shoulders, that's for sure!
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Next Steps
Damn injuries.
It's my own fault. I knew it was coming. I tried to fix it before it got too bad. But I didn't rest. After all, I was signed up for races that I really wanted to complete. No regrets, but I'm still frustrated.
One of these races was the New Years Double. I would be doing the Double Double, which was four different races over 2 days, a 5K and either a half marathon or full marathon on each day. Since I'm only "half" crazy I went the Double Double Half route. I knew from the beginning that my times weren't going to be super speedy. I was training to finish these races, not set PR's. After all, it's 32.4 miles over 2 days and I'm not an ultra runner. That is some serious mileage for me.
In the months leading up to the race I just wasn't feeling like myself. I had also signed up for the Houston Marathon on January 17, but decided awhile back to drop to the half marathon. I felt sluggish, was under a lot of stress, had not been focused on strength training like I should have been, and just wasn't feeling like a full marathon was a smart choice. But I really wanted to complete the New Years Double. Running double long runs of no more than 12 miles wasn't intimidating to me like a single 20 miler would be, and in all honestly the training went fairly well. My times were slower than in recent years, but I was able to get through the long runs okay.
But I was having nagging pains that frustrated me. I assumed I was developing Achilles tendinitis, so I tried rolling, trigger point, and stretching and I kept most of the problems at bay. I was still nervous about how Day 2 of the New Years Double would go.
I got through the race. I finished. Day 2 was fairly ugly. The pain after Day 1 was pretty significant and I won't lie by saying I wasn't fearful my Achilles would snap in two during Day 2. It didn't, but at some points it sure felt like it might.
Day 1 I actually posted respectable times. The 5K was long due to a direction error by a volunteer and I'm pretty pleased with my 8:35 pace over 3.4 miles. My half marathon was 9:25 pace. But there was an incredible amount of discomfort after those races. I ran my slowest 5K ever on Day 2 (intentionally), and my second slowest half marathon. I decided that in order to reduce the impact to my heel, I would run for only 10 minutes at a time and then walk for 1 minute. This plan worked very well and my running pace was respectable. As the race progressed, my quads definitely started getting sore and it was harder and harder to start back up with running after my walk breaks, but my heel wasn't giving me a whole lot of trouble towards the end.
Did I mention it was brutally cold both days? And windy!
I made it through 33 miles and earned my Double Double medals. It remained to be seen at what cost, however.
The day after the race was probably the worst as far as pain and swelling. I noticed, however, that the pain was more on the medial side of my heel rather than being right on my Achilles, and that worried me even more. If it was truly tendinitis I would assume my pain would be centered on the back side of my heel. So now I was worried about a stress fracture. Needless to say, I called my podiatrist and made an appointment.
Luckily, no fracture was detected on x-rays and based on the swelling and pain location, it was most likely an inflamed nerve that runs along that part of the calcaneus bone. I was ordered to rest it, use ibuprofen, and ice. I likely also had a touch of tendinitis, but that wasn't a huge concern since with rest it can easily be rectified. Being the distance runner that I am, however, I of course asked the doctor if I could still "run" the Houston Half Marathon on the 17th. He told me that if my pain and swelling was gone, and if I listened to my body, that would be okay. If I still had pain after the race that worried me, we could schedule an MRI to get more answers and a more definitive treatment plan.
What does all this mean for my upcoming races? I have Houston on the 17th, which is a "go," although it will probably once again be very slow. I then was going to be ramping up my training for the New Orleans Ironman 70.3. Right before New Orleans is my 7th Texas Independence Relay. After that my schedule is open.
Coming off a sluggish season and nagging injuries, however, I decided that ramping up for a half ironman was not smart. My focus has to be on correcting my imbalances and getting stronger. Putting the pressure of a huge race on my shoulders would cause me unneeded stress. I don't want to just "finish" my first 70.3. I want to finish it strong and in top shape. This wouldn't be the case if I forced myself to complete New Orleans.
I hate the idea of not doing the race. So many people from my team are competing and it was going to be so much fun. I will miss the excitement and camaraderie. I will miss a good vacation to New Orleans with the husband. But in return I will be able to come back stronger and ready for the training that a 70.3 requires.
Down but never out!
It's my own fault. I knew it was coming. I tried to fix it before it got too bad. But I didn't rest. After all, I was signed up for races that I really wanted to complete. No regrets, but I'm still frustrated.
One of these races was the New Years Double. I would be doing the Double Double, which was four different races over 2 days, a 5K and either a half marathon or full marathon on each day. Since I'm only "half" crazy I went the Double Double Half route. I knew from the beginning that my times weren't going to be super speedy. I was training to finish these races, not set PR's. After all, it's 32.4 miles over 2 days and I'm not an ultra runner. That is some serious mileage for me.
In the months leading up to the race I just wasn't feeling like myself. I had also signed up for the Houston Marathon on January 17, but decided awhile back to drop to the half marathon. I felt sluggish, was under a lot of stress, had not been focused on strength training like I should have been, and just wasn't feeling like a full marathon was a smart choice. But I really wanted to complete the New Years Double. Running double long runs of no more than 12 miles wasn't intimidating to me like a single 20 miler would be, and in all honestly the training went fairly well. My times were slower than in recent years, but I was able to get through the long runs okay.
But I was having nagging pains that frustrated me. I assumed I was developing Achilles tendinitis, so I tried rolling, trigger point, and stretching and I kept most of the problems at bay. I was still nervous about how Day 2 of the New Years Double would go.
I got through the race. I finished. Day 2 was fairly ugly. The pain after Day 1 was pretty significant and I won't lie by saying I wasn't fearful my Achilles would snap in two during Day 2. It didn't, but at some points it sure felt like it might.
Day 1 I actually posted respectable times. The 5K was long due to a direction error by a volunteer and I'm pretty pleased with my 8:35 pace over 3.4 miles. My half marathon was 9:25 pace. But there was an incredible amount of discomfort after those races. I ran my slowest 5K ever on Day 2 (intentionally), and my second slowest half marathon. I decided that in order to reduce the impact to my heel, I would run for only 10 minutes at a time and then walk for 1 minute. This plan worked very well and my running pace was respectable. As the race progressed, my quads definitely started getting sore and it was harder and harder to start back up with running after my walk breaks, but my heel wasn't giving me a whole lot of trouble towards the end.
Did I mention it was brutally cold both days? And windy!
I made it through 33 miles and earned my Double Double medals. It remained to be seen at what cost, however.
 |
| Done with all four races |
 |
| Eve race medals |
 |
| My friend Melinda ran the same races as me |
The day after the race was probably the worst as far as pain and swelling. I noticed, however, that the pain was more on the medial side of my heel rather than being right on my Achilles, and that worried me even more. If it was truly tendinitis I would assume my pain would be centered on the back side of my heel. So now I was worried about a stress fracture. Needless to say, I called my podiatrist and made an appointment.
Luckily, no fracture was detected on x-rays and based on the swelling and pain location, it was most likely an inflamed nerve that runs along that part of the calcaneus bone. I was ordered to rest it, use ibuprofen, and ice. I likely also had a touch of tendinitis, but that wasn't a huge concern since with rest it can easily be rectified. Being the distance runner that I am, however, I of course asked the doctor if I could still "run" the Houston Half Marathon on the 17th. He told me that if my pain and swelling was gone, and if I listened to my body, that would be okay. If I still had pain after the race that worried me, we could schedule an MRI to get more answers and a more definitive treatment plan.
What does all this mean for my upcoming races? I have Houston on the 17th, which is a "go," although it will probably once again be very slow. I then was going to be ramping up my training for the New Orleans Ironman 70.3. Right before New Orleans is my 7th Texas Independence Relay. After that my schedule is open.
Coming off a sluggish season and nagging injuries, however, I decided that ramping up for a half ironman was not smart. My focus has to be on correcting my imbalances and getting stronger. Putting the pressure of a huge race on my shoulders would cause me unneeded stress. I don't want to just "finish" my first 70.3. I want to finish it strong and in top shape. This wouldn't be the case if I forced myself to complete New Orleans.
I hate the idea of not doing the race. So many people from my team are competing and it was going to be so much fun. I will miss the excitement and camaraderie. I will miss a good vacation to New Orleans with the husband. But in return I will be able to come back stronger and ready for the training that a 70.3 requires.
Down but never out!
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