Life is wild, isn't it?
I admit I got myself stuck in the thought that I was totally screwing up this life thing. My kids are a mess, I'm a mess, a lot of crappy things have happened (this year particularly), and I'm not quite sure where I'm heading.
And then I read THIS.
WAIT....I'm actually succeeding at life? Who knew!!
1. Your relationships are less dramatic than they used to be.
Check! Drama is stupid and grownups who thrive on it are ridiculous.
2. You're not afraid to ask for help and support anymore.
I admit that I have a hard time delegating. But when I need help, I typically turn to the husband and he is awesome about it. I should probably turn to friends more than I do, but I'm glad that I have someone under my roof that just gets me and gets my needs.
3. You have raised your standards.
"You don't spend time with the 'energy vampires' in your life anymore."
WORD.
Seriously, I don't need to have the life sucked out of me by passive aggressive, immature bullshit. Take a chill pill and call me in the morning.
4. You let go of things that don't make you feel good.
I'm am VERY good at this. I took stock of everything over the summer and realized I needed major changes for me and my family. I quit my job, focused more on them, put more passion into MY training, did little things that were just FUN, and ignored some of the stuff that just wasn't. Contentment happened, people.
5. You have moments where you appreciate who you see in the mirror.
I'm a 40 year old woman and I love it. I take care of my health and it shows. I am a caring, intelligent person, and I like me a whole lot.
6. You have learned that setbacks and failure are a part of self-growth.
"In reality there is no such thing as a setback. It's all just part of a wondrous journey."
I try to learn something from every challenge, and I know that all the stumbles have made me stronger and smarter and more empathetic. I'll take that.
7. You have a support system that includes people that would do anything for you.
I have a pretty kickass family and some pretty kickass friends. My circle has tightened over the years, but those who are closest to me are the best of the best and I love them to death.
8. You don't complain much.
I suck at this one sometimes. I really try to keep the worst of the worst off of Facebook (Twitter is a different story). I try to remain positive, but it's so tough when you're at your lowest. My poor husband and friends hear it all. But I do try to temper it with positives as often as possible, because there are always good things around me at every moment, whether I choose to see them or not.
9. You can celebrate others' success.
YES!! Not to say I don't want to occasionally punch the most cheerful and perfect people out there, but YES! It's great when things go well for others.
10. You have passions that you pursue.
DUH. I kick ass at this one. If there's one thing I've learned is that if I don't take care of ME, I can't take care of others. And pursuing the things that give me my spark is pretty amazing.
11. You have things to look forward to.
I don't want to live in the future, but I do like to have events and goals planned out that I can slowly works towards, whether that's a race or a vacation or whatever. I can look to a few months from now and say, yep, that is going to ROCK.
12. You have goals that have come true.
I am a wife. I am a mother. I am healthy. I am a marathoner. I am a triathlete. I am living in the great state of Texas. Just to name a few.
13. You have empathy for others.
Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive, that I internalize suffering a little too much. But I'd rather have compassion than to be completely selfish any day. I might joke that I hate people, but in reality, I love them to death.
14. You love deeply and open yourself up to be loved by others.
This is very true and it has burned me so many times in the past. I trust people a lot, sometimes too much, and it means that my heart is wide open for hurt. But because of this, I've also been able to love unconditionally and to BE loved beyond what I ever thought possible.
15. You refuse to be a victim.
Oh, hell yes to this one!! One thing that drives me completely bonkers is when others seem to fall into the same trap over and over and yet refuse to take responsibility for it. They are perpetual victims and blame everyone else for it. They thrive on the attention that victimhood provides. Um, NO. Ain't no victim here. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes, because I definitely do, but I'll do my best to conquer again.
16. You don't care what other people think.
This has been very tough for me. I am a sensitive person and it cuts deep when someone doesn't like me or disses me in any way. I'm slowly stepping away from this mentality but I have work to do.
17. You always look on the bright side.
I fail here. Frequently. Probably a product of depression, but yes, I fail here. Not all the time, but too often.
18. You accept what you can't change.
It took me a long time to understand who I really am. I'm an introvert. I have a mental disorder. I need to stop being someone I'm not and this year has been about embracing myself, faults and all (although introversion is not a fault by any means). I am learning to live with the challenges that being me entails.
19. You change what you can.
ABSOLUTELY!! If something isn't working and it can be changed, I try to chip away at it until I'm satisfied.
20. You are happy.
Well....I'm probably unhappy more than I'm happy, but now that I realize that it's beyond my control a lot of the time, a big weight has been lifted. Some days the depression takes over and I've learned to recognize it and try not to beat myself up. So my happy days are pretty incredible. I hold onto those when it happens and enjoy every second of it. Overall, things aren't so bad really.
So, life in the loony bin isn't a complete failure really. I've done a lot of things right, and the fact that I can recognize when I'm not doing such a good job has to have its merits.
Where are we all right now?
Working with my kids' struggles is a daily thing. My son will take one step forward and two steps back at school, but after discussing a lot of these issues with his teachers I think we're getting cut a little slack. However, I am looking into school alternatives for him. I think he'll be happier and more successful at a smaller school and I need to give him some options. My daughter is in therapy and we've gone through all the diagnostic testing to see where her tummy troubles are coming from. It looks like her anxiety and stress are having very negative health consequences for her. Therapy is helping, but her emotional episodes are still frequent and exhausting.
As for me, I'm tired. Incredibly tired. It's the worst of the depression symptoms for me right now. I have a combination of insomnia and excessive sleepiness, so it's kind of a mess. Daily naps are my reality, and while a lot of people do like to poke fun at me for it, I honestly can't avoid the exhaustion. Some nights I have horrible insomnia. I will wake up several times a night, so my sleep is quite disrupted. After doing a bit of research I discovered that this is common during depression. Sucks. I know that the emotional exhaustion I feel when dealing with my daughter's episodes is manifesting itself physically.
Training, surprisingly, is going well, however. I'm not as fast as I once was, but I'm strong. My mileage base is deep. I'm recovering well from my long runs and running volume. It's one thing that I am in complete control of and it helps me mentally and physically to put my effort and passion into it. I truly enjoy training days and being around my running friends...they give me positive energy and I embrace it.
I feel a lot better after writing this. Life really is pretty good and all the crappy things will get better, I know it.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
And another one!
I sure do love small races, especially close to home. It's not nearly as intimidating as the larger ones, especially when you're doing something outside your comfort zone.
Last weekend was my second triathlon, Tri Doc Georgetown Sprint. It wasn't a long race, but still about twice as long as the super sprint I did in August. 400 meter pool swim, 14 mile bike, 4 mile run. I had a general idea of how I wanted to do in this race, and I did want to be competitive since it was a small race, but most importantly I wanted to have fun and not be freaked out by the experience. I wanted to fall in love with triathlons.
Leading up to the race the weather forecast did not cooperate and it looked like rain was going to derail things for a second year in a row. But miraculously, the forecast cleared and the temps looked to be just about perfect for race morning, with a very minor chance of rain. The humidity would still kill me, but at least wet roads wouldn't.
I surprised myself for not having nerves leading up to the race, at least not bad ones. I really didn't get nervous until I pulled into the parking lot race morning. I was one of the first racers there (just the way I like it) and it was still dark out. But as more of my teammates arrived, my nerves faded and I got excited.
I was a bit unsure about where to place myself for the pool swim. My practice laps were about 30 seconds per 25 meters, but I know that I would need a few seconds every couple lanes to catch my breath and my goal was merely to be under 10 minutes. I placed myself by my friend Joe, whose goal was around 9 minutes. I wanted to be sure I wasn't faster or slower than anyone while swimming, but could wave someone ahead of me at the end of the lap if necessary. I was swimming better in the weeks leading up to the race and hoped to do well. The swimmers were started only 5 seconds apart, however, which was okay for about the first 10 people or so, but then as you got near my pace it quickly got congested. Within four laps, we were swimming 5 or 6 deep in each lane, but because we had to swim down and back in the same lane before moving to the next lane, we couldn't pass while swimming. We quickly piled up at the ends of the lanes and it got crazy. I tried to keep my breathing as even as I could, and even switched to backstroke for about a half lap just to calm down. I mostly swam unilaterally just to get more oxygen as I tried to avoid resting at all. When I was swimming, I was definitely swimming well (for me) and I hoped my time reflected that. I've never been happier to get out of a pool!
I immediately was nauseous when I exited the pool and got into transition. I needed to throw up badly, but tried to concentrate on getting my bike gear on. Coach Christine was there cheering us on and telling us to suck it up and get out of transition. She really didn't want to hear my bitching! It felt like it took forever, but I was finally mounting my bike and getting the heck out of there. I drank some water, took several deep breaths, and slowly worked up to my racing speed on the bike. After about 2 miles or so, I was feeling much better and doing well with my speed. I did ride more conservatively than in my first triathlon since the humidity level was very high and it was a longer distance. I didn't want to go all out and then blow up on my run. My goal was to stick to around 18 miles an hour for as much of it as I could, and try to pick up speed for the last two or three miles. I saw Joe ahead of me, but figured there was no way I was going to catch him on that split.
The bike course was great. A few hills, but nothing too steep and a lot of downhills where we could pick up some speed. I got caught behind a car that was driving extremely slow with no room to pass while in the park at the end of the first loop and that frustrated me a bit. I had been riding well over 20 miles an hour on this stretch and had to slow down to avoid riding right into his bumper and he just wouldn't speed up or move over, despite three of us right behind him. He eventually did move and I tried to pick up my speed again. My first loop was solid, and I hoped to do my second loop in the same amount of time. I was having fun!
Bike loop 2 was mostly uneventful. I had to barf up the rest of the pool water (gross!!) and when I made the turn to head into transition, I saw my teammate (and age group competitor) Tiffany off her bike and cheering me on instead of racing like she was supposed to be. I asked her if she was okay and she told me to stop talking and get my butt into transition (yep, that's Tiffany). I had a decent transition but I knew it wasn't as fast as my first triathlon. I was definitely shakier. Joe was in there with me but exited before me, so I knew I'd have to hunt him down on the run portion. Tiffany was now right by transition yelling at me to get out of there and start running already (seriously, she and Christine are drill sergeants!).
As I started my run, Tiffany jogged beside me (in her flip flops!) and explained that she had missed a turn on the bike and gotten off course, so she pulled out of the race. I was so bummed for her as I knew she had been doing very well in the race. She was mad but seemed to still be in good spirits and was being an awesome cheerleader for the rest of us still racing. Joe was ahead of me on the run and it took me probably about a mile to catch up to him. My legs felt like lead in that first mile and I hoped they would loosen up and I could pick up some decent speed. I definitely didn't want to have to walk at all.
The run course was just as great as the bike course, mostly on dirt trails through San Gabriel Park, with one hill to contend with but nothing too difficult. It was two loops just like the bike course, and my spirits were very high as I finished the first loop, saw my friends and family, and had only 2 miles to go to complete my second triathlon. About a mile into the second loop Tiffany decides to run with me again, in her flip flops, and she would not let up on me! She kept telling me that if I was able to talk back to her then I needed to run harder. She's really quite mean! With less than a mile to go we saw teammate Barb ahead of us and now my goal, according to Tiffany, was to catch her. But Barb is a beast and she didn't seem to be getting any closer to me. By the time the finish line was in eyesight, I got pretty close but Barb crossed ahead of me and Tiffany ran back to find Joe, who I figured couldn't be far behind.
Crossing that finish line and seeing my friends and family was just amazing. Two triathlons under my belt! And I felt like I had done very well in this one. My swim was solid, although slightly terrifying, my bike loops were evenly paced and relatively strong, and I ran negative splits on the run. I really couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Shocking enough, I ended up being the 2nd overall woman finisher. Because Barb had started ahead of me, my finish time was a few seconds faster than her. But she's in her late 50s, so basically she's ridiculously awesome! I ended up winning my age group (although that wouldn't have happened if Tiffany hadn't gone off course!). The overall female finisher completely kicked my ass by over 5 minutes. If it was a bigger race, my placing would have been much much lower....like I said, small races are awesome!!
It wasn't easy, and the swim was frightening, and my lungs were screaming at me, and barfing on the bike wasn't exactly pleasant, but I had an absolute blast during this race. I am so excited about what next season has in store for me!
So now what are my friends saying to me?
"When does Ironman training start?"
Last weekend was my second triathlon, Tri Doc Georgetown Sprint. It wasn't a long race, but still about twice as long as the super sprint I did in August. 400 meter pool swim, 14 mile bike, 4 mile run. I had a general idea of how I wanted to do in this race, and I did want to be competitive since it was a small race, but most importantly I wanted to have fun and not be freaked out by the experience. I wanted to fall in love with triathlons.
Leading up to the race the weather forecast did not cooperate and it looked like rain was going to derail things for a second year in a row. But miraculously, the forecast cleared and the temps looked to be just about perfect for race morning, with a very minor chance of rain. The humidity would still kill me, but at least wet roads wouldn't.
I surprised myself for not having nerves leading up to the race, at least not bad ones. I really didn't get nervous until I pulled into the parking lot race morning. I was one of the first racers there (just the way I like it) and it was still dark out. But as more of my teammates arrived, my nerves faded and I got excited.
I was a bit unsure about where to place myself for the pool swim. My practice laps were about 30 seconds per 25 meters, but I know that I would need a few seconds every couple lanes to catch my breath and my goal was merely to be under 10 minutes. I placed myself by my friend Joe, whose goal was around 9 minutes. I wanted to be sure I wasn't faster or slower than anyone while swimming, but could wave someone ahead of me at the end of the lap if necessary. I was swimming better in the weeks leading up to the race and hoped to do well. The swimmers were started only 5 seconds apart, however, which was okay for about the first 10 people or so, but then as you got near my pace it quickly got congested. Within four laps, we were swimming 5 or 6 deep in each lane, but because we had to swim down and back in the same lane before moving to the next lane, we couldn't pass while swimming. We quickly piled up at the ends of the lanes and it got crazy. I tried to keep my breathing as even as I could, and even switched to backstroke for about a half lap just to calm down. I mostly swam unilaterally just to get more oxygen as I tried to avoid resting at all. When I was swimming, I was definitely swimming well (for me) and I hoped my time reflected that. I've never been happier to get out of a pool!
 |
| Teammate Joe and I heading into transition from the pool |
I immediately was nauseous when I exited the pool and got into transition. I needed to throw up badly, but tried to concentrate on getting my bike gear on. Coach Christine was there cheering us on and telling us to suck it up and get out of transition. She really didn't want to hear my bitching! It felt like it took forever, but I was finally mounting my bike and getting the heck out of there. I drank some water, took several deep breaths, and slowly worked up to my racing speed on the bike. After about 2 miles or so, I was feeling much better and doing well with my speed. I did ride more conservatively than in my first triathlon since the humidity level was very high and it was a longer distance. I didn't want to go all out and then blow up on my run. My goal was to stick to around 18 miles an hour for as much of it as I could, and try to pick up speed for the last two or three miles. I saw Joe ahead of me, but figured there was no way I was going to catch him on that split.
 |
| Joe quickly got way ahead of me on the bike |
The bike course was great. A few hills, but nothing too steep and a lot of downhills where we could pick up some speed. I got caught behind a car that was driving extremely slow with no room to pass while in the park at the end of the first loop and that frustrated me a bit. I had been riding well over 20 miles an hour on this stretch and had to slow down to avoid riding right into his bumper and he just wouldn't speed up or move over, despite three of us right behind him. He eventually did move and I tried to pick up my speed again. My first loop was solid, and I hoped to do my second loop in the same amount of time. I was having fun!
Bike loop 2 was mostly uneventful. I had to barf up the rest of the pool water (gross!!) and when I made the turn to head into transition, I saw my teammate (and age group competitor) Tiffany off her bike and cheering me on instead of racing like she was supposed to be. I asked her if she was okay and she told me to stop talking and get my butt into transition (yep, that's Tiffany). I had a decent transition but I knew it wasn't as fast as my first triathlon. I was definitely shakier. Joe was in there with me but exited before me, so I knew I'd have to hunt him down on the run portion. Tiffany was now right by transition yelling at me to get out of there and start running already (seriously, she and Christine are drill sergeants!).
 |
| Confused when I saw Tiffany cheering instead of racing |
 |
| Trying to get my crap together while heading out of transition |
As I started my run, Tiffany jogged beside me (in her flip flops!) and explained that she had missed a turn on the bike and gotten off course, so she pulled out of the race. I was so bummed for her as I knew she had been doing very well in the race. She was mad but seemed to still be in good spirits and was being an awesome cheerleader for the rest of us still racing. Joe was ahead of me on the run and it took me probably about a mile to catch up to him. My legs felt like lead in that first mile and I hoped they would loosen up and I could pick up some decent speed. I definitely didn't want to have to walk at all.
The run course was just as great as the bike course, mostly on dirt trails through San Gabriel Park, with one hill to contend with but nothing too difficult. It was two loops just like the bike course, and my spirits were very high as I finished the first loop, saw my friends and family, and had only 2 miles to go to complete my second triathlon. About a mile into the second loop Tiffany decides to run with me again, in her flip flops, and she would not let up on me! She kept telling me that if I was able to talk back to her then I needed to run harder. She's really quite mean! With less than a mile to go we saw teammate Barb ahead of us and now my goal, according to Tiffany, was to catch her. But Barb is a beast and she didn't seem to be getting any closer to me. By the time the finish line was in eyesight, I got pretty close but Barb crossed ahead of me and Tiffany ran back to find Joe, who I figured couldn't be far behind.
 |
| I don't know why I kept sticking my tongue out at the photographers |
Crossing that finish line and seeing my friends and family was just amazing. Two triathlons under my belt! And I felt like I had done very well in this one. My swim was solid, although slightly terrifying, my bike loops were evenly paced and relatively strong, and I ran negative splits on the run. I really couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Shocking enough, I ended up being the 2nd overall woman finisher. Because Barb had started ahead of me, my finish time was a few seconds faster than her. But she's in her late 50s, so basically she's ridiculously awesome! I ended up winning my age group (although that wouldn't have happened if Tiffany hadn't gone off course!). The overall female finisher completely kicked my ass by over 5 minutes. If it was a bigger race, my placing would have been much much lower....like I said, small races are awesome!!
It wasn't easy, and the swim was frightening, and my lungs were screaming at me, and barfing on the bike wasn't exactly pleasant, but I had an absolute blast during this race. I am so excited about what next season has in store for me!
So now what are my friends saying to me?
"When does Ironman training start?"
Thursday, September 18, 2014
And now for today's lessons, boys and girls...
Many, many years ago when I worked in corporate America, my boss said something very wise during a team meeting. He wanted to make sure his new team understood how he liked to manage and that he always wanted honesty and openness.
He recalled a recent conversation he had with his college-age daughter. He had asked her whether or not she had had sex yet. Her response?
"Dad, don't worry, I've never had unprotected sex."
He did a double take. It wasn't really what he had expected to hear from her. But it made him realize something. If he wasn't prepared for the answer, then perhaps he shouldn't have asked the question. He went on to explain to the team that if he asks them a question, even a difficult one, to shoot straight with him. He wanted honesty no matter how difficult the truth might be. Needless to say, he gained a lot of respect from his team that day, and over 14 years later I still remember the lesson.
This week, I'm again reminded of this lesson. A friend was asked to choose between "A" and "B," and the person doing the asking clearly expected "A" to be the answer. Unfortunately for this person, my friend chose "B"....and now the questioner is left with a few broken pieces and probably several pissed off people.
Lesson 1 - if you're not prepared for the answer, don't ask the question.
Lesson 2 - if you issue an ultimatum, be prepared to lose.
However, it's not all drama and regret in these parts this week. I'm learning a couple lighthearted lessons as well and I'm trying to keep my chin up.
Lesson 3 - if a race is canceled due to weather one year, you can bet your ass the same weather will appear the next year.
Oh, yes. What was supposed to be my very first triathlon was canceled last year due to a thunderstorm. Guess what's on tap for the same race this coming Sunday? You guessed it! Thunderstorms! I'm hoping that we get some clearing, but it'll be an exciting couple of days for sure. And I might not ever sign up for this race again.
Lesson 4 - when one thing falls apart, everything falls apart.
My right leg hates me. First plantar fasciitis, then an ITBS flare up, now my ankle is angry, all in the last few weeks. Good news is that the PF seems to be clearing and my IT band is loosening up with home therapy. But WTF is with my ankle? I felt the first twinges during the end of my run last Saturday, it had a few hiccups during Sunday's long run, was fine on Tuesday, but is now angry and making me slightly limp.
*Sigh*
I didn't run today and will skip Saturday if I must to prepare for the race-that-will-be-canceled-Sunday, but seriously. It's annoying. Myofascial release therapy is thankfully scheduled for next week and I continue to treat myself at home, but clearly I've got some kind of imbalance that needs a little work. Or I could just amputate my right leg.
Any good lessons you've learned recently?
He recalled a recent conversation he had with his college-age daughter. He had asked her whether or not she had had sex yet. Her response?
"Dad, don't worry, I've never had unprotected sex."
He did a double take. It wasn't really what he had expected to hear from her. But it made him realize something. If he wasn't prepared for the answer, then perhaps he shouldn't have asked the question. He went on to explain to the team that if he asks them a question, even a difficult one, to shoot straight with him. He wanted honesty no matter how difficult the truth might be. Needless to say, he gained a lot of respect from his team that day, and over 14 years later I still remember the lesson.
This week, I'm again reminded of this lesson. A friend was asked to choose between "A" and "B," and the person doing the asking clearly expected "A" to be the answer. Unfortunately for this person, my friend chose "B"....and now the questioner is left with a few broken pieces and probably several pissed off people.
Lesson 1 - if you're not prepared for the answer, don't ask the question.
Lesson 2 - if you issue an ultimatum, be prepared to lose.
However, it's not all drama and regret in these parts this week. I'm learning a couple lighthearted lessons as well and I'm trying to keep my chin up.
Lesson 3 - if a race is canceled due to weather one year, you can bet your ass the same weather will appear the next year.
Oh, yes. What was supposed to be my very first triathlon was canceled last year due to a thunderstorm. Guess what's on tap for the same race this coming Sunday? You guessed it! Thunderstorms! I'm hoping that we get some clearing, but it'll be an exciting couple of days for sure. And I might not ever sign up for this race again.
Lesson 4 - when one thing falls apart, everything falls apart.
My right leg hates me. First plantar fasciitis, then an ITBS flare up, now my ankle is angry, all in the last few weeks. Good news is that the PF seems to be clearing and my IT band is loosening up with home therapy. But WTF is with my ankle? I felt the first twinges during the end of my run last Saturday, it had a few hiccups during Sunday's long run, was fine on Tuesday, but is now angry and making me slightly limp.
*Sigh*
I didn't run today and will skip Saturday if I must to prepare for the race-that-will-be-canceled-Sunday, but seriously. It's annoying. Myofascial release therapy is thankfully scheduled for next week and I continue to treat myself at home, but clearly I've got some kind of imbalance that needs a little work. Or I could just amputate my right leg.
Any good lessons you've learned recently?
Monday, September 8, 2014
Trail Freakout and a Thank You
In October I'm running Ragnar Trail Hill Country, a 120 mile relay of teams of 8. My husband is on my team and I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun. But since it's trails, I figured I should probably get my trail legs under me again since it's been over a year since I ran on one.
This past Thursday I headed out to Goodwater Loop on Lake Georgetown, a trail I've run on many times before. It's pretty technical, but shaded, which is a must in summer after the sun comes up. When I arrived about 8:30 it was already into the 80s with high humidity. It would be a tough run for sure. The plan called for a 10K.
I started out slowly and tried to get used to the rocky trail. And when I say slow I mean really slow. I was very cautious about not twisting my ankles or falling and it definitely was making me tense up. I hoped I'd loosen up by about a mile into the run, but even mile 2 was very slow and very tense. There were so many huge bugs that kept running right into me, and lots of creatures making noise in the brush. Don't even get me started on the spider webs I kept running through. Talk about major heebie jeebies. During Mile 3 the weeds along the trail were very overgrown and all I kept thinking about was snakes.
After turning around 3.1 miles into the run I hoped I'd stop being so freaked out, but no....I never loosened up. The whole run was just kind of a mess. I had to walk a lot during the last couple miles because of how hot I was getting. I really just wanted it to be over.
The good thing is that I got time on my feet on the trail, which is what I needed. But I'm pretty sure next time I'll be dragging someone else with me so they can be the one to go through the spiderwebs.
This past Thursday I headed out to Goodwater Loop on Lake Georgetown, a trail I've run on many times before. It's pretty technical, but shaded, which is a must in summer after the sun comes up. When I arrived about 8:30 it was already into the 80s with high humidity. It would be a tough run for sure. The plan called for a 10K.
I started out slowly and tried to get used to the rocky trail. And when I say slow I mean really slow. I was very cautious about not twisting my ankles or falling and it definitely was making me tense up. I hoped I'd loosen up by about a mile into the run, but even mile 2 was very slow and very tense. There were so many huge bugs that kept running right into me, and lots of creatures making noise in the brush. Don't even get me started on the spider webs I kept running through. Talk about major heebie jeebies. During Mile 3 the weeds along the trail were very overgrown and all I kept thinking about was snakes.
After turning around 3.1 miles into the run I hoped I'd stop being so freaked out, but no....I never loosened up. The whole run was just kind of a mess. I had to walk a lot during the last couple miles because of how hot I was getting. I really just wanted it to be over.
The good thing is that I got time on my feet on the trail, which is what I needed. But I'm pretty sure next time I'll be dragging someone else with me so they can be the one to go through the spiderwebs.
I also wanted to take a moment to say thank you for the huge outpouring of love shown to me after my last blog post. I really let my true feelings show, in all their ugliness, and it was a difficult thing to do in the age of the "perfect social media life." I lost count of how many texts and private messages I received of people who are going through similar things and wanted to show support. I don't feel so alone. THANK YOU.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
This is my heart
High needs.
That's not the label anyone would want to put on their child. But that's what I have to come to terms with. I have high needs children. And it has broken my heart as a mother.
Typing this is very difficult. I have many emotions and thoughts running through my head. My stress level is sky high. My kids and their dad and I are struggling every single day to figure this all out. The little girl still inside of me is feeling very, very lost.
My son is a middle schooler who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, although we know this disorder has plagued him for years. This past week we added another official disorder to the mix. Anxiety disorder. What does this mean? It means treatment is beyond the scope of our family doctor and now we venture into the realm of specialists. We have choices on which route to take and we are weighing those choices. Just when you think you're making steps to help alleviate the symptoms of one disorder, something new pops up that completely overshadows the progress. The cry of my sweet pre-teen cuts through me and brings me to my knees in helplessness.
My daughter is in fourth grade. For a very long time now we have known that her "issues" are not normal. People laugh and warn us "just wait until she's a teenager." Yes, she's a girl so she gets emotional and obstinate and difficult. I have blown off a lot of the misbehavior as merely being a product of her gender and age. But this year is different. I can't blow it off any longer. Something is seriously wrong and it's beyond my capabilities as a mother. She is defiant to an extreme level, she throws temper tantrums for hours, she cries at the smallest problem, she blames others for everything, she says very mean and hateful things to her parents and brother, she thinks life is unfair, she fails to listen to any kind of reasoning, and I believe these problems are now manifesting themselves in physical ailments like acid reflux and extreme insomnia. Just about every single day she displays these behaviors....for us. But rarely does she do any of this at school. On the flip side, she can be incredibly affectionate and loving and the majority of the time this is what she displays to the outside world. But home is different. This is where the rage comes in, and it's broken me as a mother. The worst part is that it's making my son's anxiety even worse. He can't deal with having a sister who treats him so poorly.
I am in my own state of depression and anxiety and the stress with my children is preventing me from getting better. I want to be better, and I'm doing everything I can within my own power to improve my emotional problems. But I'm out of solutions and I need help. I am armed with the names of many different doctors and am lining up as much help as I can get.
Why am I writing all this out? Because I'm tired of hearing how wonderful my kids are and then feeling guilty for being so unhappy. Because I hate feeling like I have failed them and I need to know I'm not alone. Because I need a name for what is wrong with my daughter and I need to know how to fix it. Because I need people to understand why I had to quit my job and why I'm not sure if I'll be going back to work anytime soon. This has consumed my focus and it's unfair for others to depend on me right now.
I created brilliant and wonderful children and I want to be a happy and content family unit. I love my children with every ounce of my being. But none of this is normal and it's not going to "pass" anytime soon. So if you think I seem distracted or distant or stressed....it's because I am.
Admitting all of this feels good in a way. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything from my loved ones. But admitting it has also been incredibly difficult...the feeling of failure is ever present and putting it all out there makes me feel naked and vulnerable. I am not a perfect person nor am I a perfect parent. I've been dealt some crappy cards. I'll take it one step at a time trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Positives and Negatives
My training has kind of been all over the place this summer. After my April marathon I knew that I would be drastically cutting back on my running so I could focus on cycling and swimming more, in the hopes I'd get up the nerve to sign up for another triathlon. Last summer was very rough on me and I knew I needed to do something different.
It's been good and bad.
First....the positives....
I have really enjoyed my Saturday bike rides with my triathlon group. Sometimes I stick to the group, sometimes I branch off with one or two others, sometimes I end up solo. But it's been fun and challenging and a really nice break from the difficulty of running in the summer weather. I don't typically have too much trouble cycling for two or three hours in the heat. I've noticed that I've gained a lot of strength and comfort with my cycling over the course of the past few months.
As for swimming, I was very reluctant to get back in the pool. I just wasn't a great swimmer last year, although I improved dramatically over the summer. My first few swim workouts this year were pretty mediocre and it was a bit frustrating to me. But the last few weeks have been completely different. It's like something just clicked in the pool and I now feel like a real swimmer. I've gotten compliments on my form and ability, and that just makes me feel very good about my progress. I felt strong and comfortable during my first triathlon last week, and I'm feeling confident going into my next one at the end of September.
I loved competing in my first triathlon and can't wait to see how I do during a full triathlon season next year. I haven't picked my races yet, but I do plan to do several throughout the season. I want to be a real local competitor in the sport.
But there have been negatives....
My running. It kinda sucks. I'm battling plantar fasciitis and that is discouraging, but it has improved in the last couple weeks. I am struggling greatly in the heat and humidity, but I'm thankful this summer has been much better than the past few years. Except for August. August has been atrocious. Some workouts have gone very well, but my "long" runs have not gone well at all. The longest run I've had since April is 7 miles, which was my choice and I don't regret that choice at all, but I do think it's putting me at a disadvantage going into marathon training. I'm going to suck it up and keep increasing my mileage slowly, and know that with the cooler temps around the corner I'll be feeling much better.
I have two marathon in the coming season, Houston on January 18 and San Luis Obispo on April 26. These are the same marathons I ran this year and I'm looking forward to improving upon my times in 2015. Both are awesome races, but they're completely different from each other and involve very different racing strategies. Also, with them 3 months apart, I have a long training cycle...37 weeks. But I did it this year, and ran my two fastest marathons so far, so I'm confident I can hang in there and hopefully be just as successful. Most importantly, I want to enjoy the whole journey!
I'm trying to focus more on the positives. My marathon training group starts up on Saturday and for the fifth year I'll be coaching. It's always better for me to be surrounded by inspiring athletes every Saturday morning. One step at a time...I'll get my running mojo back!
It's been good and bad.
First....the positives....
I have really enjoyed my Saturday bike rides with my triathlon group. Sometimes I stick to the group, sometimes I branch off with one or two others, sometimes I end up solo. But it's been fun and challenging and a really nice break from the difficulty of running in the summer weather. I don't typically have too much trouble cycling for two or three hours in the heat. I've noticed that I've gained a lot of strength and comfort with my cycling over the course of the past few months.
As for swimming, I was very reluctant to get back in the pool. I just wasn't a great swimmer last year, although I improved dramatically over the summer. My first few swim workouts this year were pretty mediocre and it was a bit frustrating to me. But the last few weeks have been completely different. It's like something just clicked in the pool and I now feel like a real swimmer. I've gotten compliments on my form and ability, and that just makes me feel very good about my progress. I felt strong and comfortable during my first triathlon last week, and I'm feeling confident going into my next one at the end of September.
I loved competing in my first triathlon and can't wait to see how I do during a full triathlon season next year. I haven't picked my races yet, but I do plan to do several throughout the season. I want to be a real local competitor in the sport.
But there have been negatives....
My running. It kinda sucks. I'm battling plantar fasciitis and that is discouraging, but it has improved in the last couple weeks. I am struggling greatly in the heat and humidity, but I'm thankful this summer has been much better than the past few years. Except for August. August has been atrocious. Some workouts have gone very well, but my "long" runs have not gone well at all. The longest run I've had since April is 7 miles, which was my choice and I don't regret that choice at all, but I do think it's putting me at a disadvantage going into marathon training. I'm going to suck it up and keep increasing my mileage slowly, and know that with the cooler temps around the corner I'll be feeling much better.
I have two marathon in the coming season, Houston on January 18 and San Luis Obispo on April 26. These are the same marathons I ran this year and I'm looking forward to improving upon my times in 2015. Both are awesome races, but they're completely different from each other and involve very different racing strategies. Also, with them 3 months apart, I have a long training cycle...37 weeks. But I did it this year, and ran my two fastest marathons so far, so I'm confident I can hang in there and hopefully be just as successful. Most importantly, I want to enjoy the whole journey!
I'm trying to focus more on the positives. My marathon training group starts up on Saturday and for the fifth year I'll be coaching. It's always better for me to be surrounded by inspiring athletes every Saturday morning. One step at a time...I'll get my running mojo back!
Friday, August 15, 2014
Something for me
I've been throwing around the idea of turning my blog into a book for a long time. In my head I've come up with different categories my posts would fall into, and I think compiling it in an organized way can really help to lend a hand to my voice. It can paint a better picture of who I am, why I race, and how my training and goals have progressed over the past few years.
Today I started organizing my blog posts. Since January 2011, when I started my blog, I've published 97 blog posts. Something that really caught my eye is that only six of those posts were written in 2014. Only six.
It makes me sad that I've let my blogging fall away while I worked. I love writing, I love chronicling my training and racing, and especially working through my struggles by writing about them. But my free time over the last year has been very limited, and I've put aside blogging.
No more! I miss my blog. Now that I'm taking a hiatus from working, I'm putting more time into ME. Into my family. Into training. Into EXPERIENCING.
It's been so awesome going through old blog posts, seeing how I handled training in the nasty heat of 2011 and 2012, how I've dealt with my personal demons, and how my goals have progressed. Not all my posts are easy to read...I've laid a lot of heartache out in some of them....but I think it's important for me to see where I've been and where I am now, and how I can keep creating memories and experiences, particularly through my athletic endeavors.
I don't expect anyone else to necessarily read this "book" but I'm excited to create something like this.
Today I started organizing my blog posts. Since January 2011, when I started my blog, I've published 97 blog posts. Something that really caught my eye is that only six of those posts were written in 2014. Only six.
It makes me sad that I've let my blogging fall away while I worked. I love writing, I love chronicling my training and racing, and especially working through my struggles by writing about them. But my free time over the last year has been very limited, and I've put aside blogging.
No more! I miss my blog. Now that I'm taking a hiatus from working, I'm putting more time into ME. Into my family. Into training. Into EXPERIENCING.
It's been so awesome going through old blog posts, seeing how I handled training in the nasty heat of 2011 and 2012, how I've dealt with my personal demons, and how my goals have progressed. Not all my posts are easy to read...I've laid a lot of heartache out in some of them....but I think it's important for me to see where I've been and where I am now, and how I can keep creating memories and experiences, particularly through my athletic endeavors.
I don't expect anyone else to necessarily read this "book" but I'm excited to create something like this.
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