This is my heart

High needs.

That's not the label anyone would want to put on their child. But that's what I have to come to terms with. I have high needs children. And it has broken my heart as a mother.

Typing this is very difficult. I have many emotions and thoughts running through my head. My stress level is sky high. My kids and their dad and I are struggling every single day to figure this all out. The little girl still inside of me is feeling very, very lost. 

My son is a middle schooler who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, although we know this disorder has plagued him for years. This past week we added another official disorder to the mix. Anxiety disorder. What does this mean? It means treatment is beyond the scope of our family doctor and now we venture into the realm of specialists. We have choices on which route to take and we are weighing those choices. Just when you think you're making steps to help alleviate the symptoms of one disorder, something new pops up that completely overshadows the progress. The cry of my sweet pre-teen cuts through me and brings me to my knees in helplessness. 

My daughter is in fourth grade. For a very long time now we have known that her "issues" are not normal. People laugh and warn us "just wait until she's a teenager." Yes, she's a girl so she gets emotional and obstinate and difficult. I have blown off a lot of the misbehavior as merely being a product of her gender and age. But this year is different. I can't blow it off any longer. Something is seriously wrong and it's beyond my capabilities as a mother. She is defiant to an extreme level, she throws temper tantrums for hours, she cries at the smallest problem, she blames others for everything, she says very mean and hateful things to her parents and brother, she thinks life is unfair, she fails to listen to any kind of reasoning, and I believe these problems are now manifesting themselves in physical ailments like acid reflux and extreme insomnia. Just about every single day she displays these behaviors....for us. But rarely does she do any of this at school. On the flip side, she can be incredibly affectionate and loving and the majority of the time this is what she displays to the outside world. But home is different. This is where the rage comes in, and it's broken me as a mother. The worst part is that it's making my son's anxiety even worse. He can't deal with having a sister who treats him so poorly. 

I am in my own state of depression and anxiety and the stress with my children is preventing me from getting better. I want to be better, and I'm doing everything I can within my own power to improve my emotional problems. But I'm out of solutions and I need help. I am armed with the names of many different doctors and am lining up as much help as I can get.

Why am I writing all this out? Because I'm tired of hearing how wonderful my kids are and then feeling guilty for being so unhappy. Because I hate feeling like I have failed them and I need to know I'm not alone. Because I need a name for what is wrong with my daughter and I need to know how to fix it. Because I need people to understand why I had to quit my job and why I'm not sure if I'll be going back to work anytime soon. This has consumed my focus and it's unfair for others to depend on me right now. 

I created brilliant and wonderful children and I want to be a happy and content family unit. I love my children with every ounce of my being. But none of this is normal and it's not going to "pass" anytime soon. So if you think I seem distracted or distant or stressed....it's because I am. 

Admitting all of this feels good in a way. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything from my loved ones. But admitting it has also been incredibly difficult...the feeling of failure is ever present and putting it all out there makes me feel naked and vulnerable. I am not a perfect person nor am I a perfect parent. I've been dealt some crappy cards. I'll take it one step at a time trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Positives and Negatives

My training has kind of been all over the place this summer. After my April marathon I knew that I would be drastically cutting back on my running so I could focus on cycling and swimming more, in the hopes I'd get up the nerve to sign up for another triathlon. Last summer was very rough on me and I knew I needed to do something different.

It's been good and bad.

First....the positives....

I have really enjoyed my Saturday bike rides with my triathlon group. Sometimes I stick to the group, sometimes I branch off with one or two others, sometimes I end up solo. But it's been fun and challenging and a really nice break from the difficulty of running in the summer weather. I don't typically have too much trouble cycling for two or three hours in the heat. I've noticed that I've gained a lot of strength and comfort with my cycling over the course of the past few months.

As for swimming, I was very reluctant to get back in the pool. I just wasn't a great swimmer last year, although I improved dramatically over the summer. My first few swim workouts this year were pretty mediocre and it was a bit frustrating to me. But the last few weeks have been completely different. It's like something just clicked in the pool and I now feel like a real swimmer. I've gotten compliments on my form and ability, and that just makes me feel very good about my progress. I felt strong and comfortable during my first triathlon last week, and I'm feeling confident going into my next one at the end of September.

I loved competing in my first triathlon and can't wait to see how I do during a full triathlon season next year. I haven't picked my races yet, but I do plan to do several throughout the season. I want to be a real local competitor in the sport.

But there have been negatives....

My running. It kinda sucks. I'm battling plantar fasciitis and that is discouraging, but it has improved in the last couple weeks. I am struggling greatly in the heat and humidity, but I'm thankful this summer has been much better than the past few years. Except for August. August has been atrocious. Some workouts have gone very well, but my "long" runs have not gone well at all. The longest run I've had since April is 7 miles, which was my choice and I don't regret that choice at all, but I do think it's putting me at a disadvantage going into marathon training. I'm going to suck it up and keep increasing my mileage slowly, and know that with the cooler temps around the corner I'll be feeling much better.

I have two marathon in the coming season, Houston on January 18 and San Luis Obispo on April 26. These are the same marathons I ran this year and I'm looking forward to improving upon my times in 2015. Both are awesome races, but they're completely different from each other and involve very different racing strategies. Also, with them 3 months apart, I have a long training cycle...37 weeks. But I did it this year, and ran my two fastest marathons so far, so I'm confident I can hang in there and hopefully be just as successful. Most importantly, I want to enjoy the whole journey!

I'm trying to focus more on the positives. My marathon training group starts up on Saturday and for the fifth year I'll be coaching. It's always better for me to be surrounded by inspiring athletes every Saturday morning. One step at a time...I'll get my running mojo back!

Something for me

I've been throwing around the idea of turning my blog into a book for a long time. In my head I've come up with different categories my posts would fall into, and I think compiling it in an organized way can really help to lend a hand to my voice. It can paint a better picture of who I am, why I race, and how my training and goals have progressed over the past few years.

Today I started organizing my blog posts. Since January 2011, when I started my blog, I've published 97 blog posts. Something that really caught my eye is that only six of those posts were written in 2014. Only six.

It makes me sad that I've let my blogging fall away while I worked. I love writing, I love chronicling my training and racing, and especially working through my struggles by writing about them. But my free time over the last year has been very limited, and I've put aside blogging.

No more! I miss my blog. Now that I'm taking a hiatus from working, I'm putting more time into ME. Into my family. Into training. Into EXPERIENCING.

It's been so awesome going through old blog posts, seeing how I handled training in the nasty heat of 2011 and 2012, how I've dealt with my personal demons, and how my goals have progressed. Not all my posts are easy to read...I've laid a lot of heartache out in some of them....but I think it's important for me to see where I've been and where I am now, and how I can keep creating memories and experiences, particularly through my athletic endeavors.

I don't expect anyone else to necessarily read this "book" but I'm excited to create something like this.

A triathlon! It was about time

Over two years ago I started running with a local triathlon group. One of my closest running buddies was a member and convinced me to check out some of the workouts. I was convinced that no way would I actually ever do a triathlon. I was delusional.

Of course I would do a triathlon. 

After learning to swim, buying a bike, and slowing getting more comfortable with the idea, I did register for a triathlon last year. Unfortunately, it was canceled due to thunderstorms and my bucket list item was put on the back burner. 

All my confidence going into that race pretty much disappeared through the winter. I didn't even get into the pool for 4 months. And by the time I did, my swimming endurance had suffered considerably, although I thankfully hadn't completely lost my form. Several swim workouts later, I was gaining back some confidence. But I still didn't sign up for another triathlon. I spectated a local race with some teammates and that started to get me excited. I spent a lot of time on my bike, doing the Saturday group rides, and I felt my strength increasing in that discipline considerably. My run speed was mostly holding on through the heat of the summer. 

I sucked it up and signed up for the same Georgetown race that was canceled last year, scheduled for September 21. And then the next day, I signed up for the shorter Bucket List Triathlon in August in College Station. And when I say short, I mean short....a 200 meter pool swim, an 8 mile bike, and a 2 mile run. I was still a nervous wreck, but it seemed like the perfect first triathlon for me.

I felt like I had a swimming breakthrough three days before the race. I decided to time my 200 meter swims, and was pleasantly surprised by what I was seeing. I still had trouble completing the 8 lengths without a short break, but I was swimming them under 5 minutes. It's not fast, but it was good for me. I felt a million times better going into race day.

RACE MORNING!!

I arrived at the College Station Middle School well in advance of transition opening - I wanted a good spot for my bike! I set up transition, talked to several other racers, and found my teammate Joe. I scoped out the timing mats, and planned my strategy. I wanted to race well. I wanted to place in my age group. Even though it was my first triathlon I couldn't turn off my competitive side. Joe and I warmed up for 4 lengths in the pool and my nerves were calmed. Greg showed up with the kiddos about 45 minutes before the race started and everything was ready.

I was definitely nervous as we lined up around the pool, but I calmed quite a bit as I watched the faster swimmers in the pool. I was number 74, so it would be several minutes before I started the race. Watching the other swimmers made me feel a bit better. By the time I hit the water, my nerves were gone. I just swam! And I felt good during the swim. Whenever I felt like I was breathing poorly, I switched from bilateral breathing to unilateral and my form improved. I had sloppy lane changes but I knew that I could improve upon that for the next triathlon. Before I knew it I was on my last length of the pool and I just flew through the water to finish up. Running out of the natatorium towards transition was the best feeling I've had in awhile!

It was a very long run from the pool to my bike, but switching out my gear didn't take too long. After going over the timing mat out of transition, we couldn't mount our bikes right away, so it was a little frustrating to be running in my cycling shoes and not riding (probably my only complaint from the race). As soon as I could get on my bike, however, I just went all out.

The weather was pretty bad. Humidity in excess of 90% and the temp was over 80 degrees. I had taken a hit on my inhaler, but I was breathing heavy right away on the bike. I got up to about 20 miles per hour and tried to hold it for as long as I could. Although the course is a fast one, the downhills are too short to gain a considerable amount of speed. I think my speed topped out around 25 mph. But I tried to hold on as best as I could and did find myself passing several people. Going all out for 8 miles is a lot more difficult than I expected it to be, but I'm hoping the thick air had something to do with that. The most surprising part about my bike split was that I didn't get passed by anyone.

Seeing the middle school parking lot after my last turn put a huge smile on my face. I was almost done with the second discipline and about to start my run, which I assumed would be my best split. I switched out my shoes and head gear as quickly as I could in transition and sprinted out to start the 2 mile run.

As soon as I started the run, however, I realized that this measly 2 miles was going to be anything but easy for me. It was hot. It was humid. And it made my legs feel dead. I was breathing heavy and just couldn't build up a very good pace. I had hoped to be no slower than 8 minute pace on the run, but I was struggling to run faster than 9 minute pace. I just kept telling myself that I'd be done soon and to just hang in there and do my best.

Thankfully that 2 mile run went by quickly and I was soon heading onto the track at the middle school for the finish. I could hear my family cheering me on and I saw Joe and DeDe (my neighbor) by the finish. I tried to pick up my pace, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't moving any faster. As soon as I crossed that finish line, I just about threw up, and then decided laying down was the best remedy. But despite how horrible I felt, I was the happiest I've been in a very long time.

I AM A TRIATHLETE!!

Although I definitely raced this triathlon and I wanted to be a true competitor, I still didn't think I could've won my age group. Masters women are a tough bunch to beat, and although I think I had done well, would it be enough?

IT WAS ENOUGH

However, I do have to note that 2 out of the 3 women in the top results were in my age group. Because of that, they were awarded overall medals, while I was able to claim the top spot in my age group. There's something to be said about Masters women - all three top spots were claimed by women over 40! It's pretty awesome!

And my teammate Joe claimed the top spot in his age group as well - not too shabby for a guy who broke his hip in March. Neighbor DeDe won her age group, too. Great day for my friends!

The final stats from my first triathlon - 119 women, 71 men, 190 overall finishers
Swim - 200 meters - 4:43 (2:21/100m)
T1 - 2:01 (fastest woman and 5th fastest overall)
Bike - 8 miles - 24:40 (19.4mph)
T2 - 24sec (SAY WHAT??)
Run - 2 miles - 17:09 (8:34/mi)
Total - 49:00 - 1/23 AG, 7/119 women, 17/190 overall

Yeah....this makes me happy.

Now, if I can maintain those paces for the Georgetown race next month (about twice the distance), I'll be REALLY happy! I don't expect to, but I'll do my best and try my hardest!

Priorities

Back in early 2012 I had an itch to do and be something different. I had spent nearly 11 years as a stay at home mom, and while I wouldn't change that for the world, I felt it was time for a change. So I became a personal trainer, group exercise instructor, and certified running coach over the next year.

While all of this has been very fulfilling and sometimes a lot of fun, I was feeling discontentment again this year. My son had a rough first year in middle school (he was diagnosed with ADHD) and my daughter has been, for lack of better words, an emotional wreck occasionally. I was gone every morning for work, and while this wasn't a huge deal during the school year, once summer arrived and my kids were home everyday with my work-at-home husband, things began to crack. It became very stressful for me to be gone every morning, and when I did get back home I was tired from teaching and training and having to be so personable for hours at a time. Finding the energy and desire to train for my own fitness goals was getting harder and harder to do when I spent so much time in a gym already. It wasn't how I envisioned my second career at all.

On July 6 I decided that it just wasn't worth it. I quit my job. Talk about a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. My kids needed me to be home with them, to eat breakfast with them, to take them to the park, to guide them with chores, to make sure they were getting what they needed emotionally on a daily basis. My husband is an incredible father, but he also has a demanding job that requires hours at a time to be spent on conference calls. Kids at home plus working husband was getting to be very stressful for everyone.

Part of the reason that I decided to pursue a second career was that I felt I wasn't contributing enough to our household. I wanted to be able to say I was a financial help in addition to my mother and wife duties, and for awhile I enjoyed providing that for the first time in over a decade. We took a few vacations and I used my income to pay for all of my fitness hobbies. It felt good to "earn" something and give back to the family.

But at the end of the day, the best thing I could do for the family was just to be here everyday, to make sure the house is running smoothly, to be a support for my children and help them in their struggles, to just play with them more. I'm only on Day 2 of my "stay-at-home mom" role, but I can already feel more contentment in the house, more peace.

I've also decided that after many years of shunning the kitchen, I'm going to spend more time in it, learning to cook healthy dishes for the family, learning to make my own endurance training fuel so my marathon and triathlon seasons are the best they can be. I'm excited about this venture and I'm enjoying my time spent in the kitchen so far. I never thought I'd be one to get excited about buying a food processor!

So what does this mean for "Coach Steph"? She's still alive and well and isn't going anywhere. I have a private training, coaching, and weight loss consultation business that will remain in effect. I love coaching runners, and I'm happy to train people out of my home or theirs as time permits, plus I will still be volunteer coaching for Round Rock Fit. But my priority has shifted back to being with my family, and this makes me the happiest.

I'm hoping to blog more (that has definitely slipped in the last year), I need to research more about ADHD for my son, I'm going to learn as much as I can about healthy endurance fueling, I'm going to kick the crap out of this upcoming marathon training season, and I'm about to finally officially become a triathlete. My family is going on a vacation before the school year starts up again, and my husband is going to see his wife in the kitchen a lot more than he's used to....I think it all sounds pretty darn great.

Hometown Race Weekend

I grew up in a little coastal California college town called San Luis Obispo. Very few people here in Texas have even heard of it and have no idea where it is. I've said "it's halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles right along the coast" more times than I can remember. I love my little town. It's perfect in every way and the only place in California I'd ever want to live.

In 2012, after a 26 year marathon hiatus, San Luis Obispo held a new marathon and half marathon race, and my mom finished her first half marathon. I regretted not being able to come out there to race with her, but vowed to get my butt out there sooner rather than later. 2014 became that year! As soon as registration opened, I was in. It would be my 10th marathon and my second of the year.

Training went well leading up to the marathon, despite being the only one among my usual long run buddies doing a spring marathon. It was a bit of a mental challenge to keep going with training after completing two half marathons and another full marathon during the season. I was ready for a long run break! But I felt strong going into what would surely be a very tough marathon. Hilly Hilly HILLY.

I traveled to SLO by myself for six days to relax, hang out with my parents, and just enjoy being home and doing something different than my usual marathon routine. I got a chance to see my niece Katrina and her two sweet kiddos Hunter and Cambria in Santa Barbara after I arrived the Wednesday before race weekend.

I also got to see my girl Dennette while in SLO - friends for almost 20 years!

My mom and I drove the race course and I think the only thing I said the whole time was "wow" and "there's another hill." It was SO BEAUTIFUL, and despite the massive number of hills that just wouldn't quit, I was getting so excited to experience my hometown on foot like that.

But before I could run my marathon, I had to race a little 5K on Saturday. I had spontaneously decided to register for the Mo's Smokehouse Chase the Pig 5K the day before the marathon, figuring that if I was in SLO for a race, I might as well make it really worth my time and race both days. It wouldn't be a fast 5K but it would still be fun and give me a chance to loosen up and relax.

My mom headed over to Madonna Inn (if you've never heard of Madonna Inn, you're missing out. Google it!) for the 5K on Saturday morning. It was a beautiful day already and I was looking forward to a short, easy race on the Madonna Inn property. Years ago I actually worked here, and the property still fascinates me.

I figured I'd run about a 9 min pace, maybe a bit faster, nothing that would overly fatigue me. It was really fun running around the property, although the long steep hill in the beginning wasn't all that much fun. I figured it would just be a preview of the marathon hills. We had to hit that hill, plus a second one twice on the two loop course, so this wasn't much of a PR course anyway. I didn't really feel all that bad about not "racing" it at this point. I kept up a nice, slightly fast, not too uncomfortable pace and sped up as we crested the second hill to the fast finish.

It would be another 90 minutes before they did the awards, and even though I was sure I didn't place with my 26:59 time (8:43 pace), I'm glad I had the good sense to check the results before taking off for home. I ended up winning my age group! I was pretty happy, but surprised. a 26:59 5K is a very solid time, but I really didn't think it would get me a medal. What a pleasant surprise!

Now comes the marathon....

A lot of people asked me what my goal for the race was. In my mind not every race is an automatic PR attempt. If I plan to PR a big race, that's my focus for training. For this particular race, my focus was to maintain my fitness enough to just have fun. It was a challenging course, and a PR attempt (4:17) would hurt. I wanted to enjoy running in my hometown, to soak in the beauty of the wine country. I thought maintaining about a 10 minute per mile average would be a really reasonable "A" goal, and I definitely wanted to run under 4:30 ("B" goal), and at the very least, NOT WALK. So...could I do a 4:22? I'd give it a shot, but overall, I just wanted to enjoy myself.

I was up early Sunday morning. My mom drove me to the high school to drop me off about an hour before the race start. I saw my friend Sarah right before lining up in the corrals (she was running the half) and got a hug, so that was great. Since there were less than 1000 people running the race, and we weren't starting with the half marathoners, I knew it would be a very different experience that the other marathons I've done. I wouldn't have to jockey for position in those early miles, wouldn't have to worry about getting stuck behind slower runners or getting in the way of any faster runners. It would be awesome. I surprisingly wasn't very nervous, just excited, although as we were in the start corral and I was around people I didn't know, I definitely started to miss my marathon buddies. It would have been extra special to have them there with me. These thoughts went through my mind several times during the race.

At 6:00 sharp, we were off!

As soon as we turned down Monterey Street I just soaked in the fact that I was running IN MY HOMETOWN. The old art deco Fremont Theater came up on our left and it made me smile. I could see the Mission San Luis Obispo de Tolosa ahead. We were running through historic downtown, then through the old charming neighborhoods, then back by the high school, and I was loving every step of it. Our first long big hill was about 3 miles into the race, and I knew if I tackled that feeling good, the rest of the hills would be fine (I was certainly optimistic!). It really wasn't so bad at all, and it gave me a confidence boost. I waved to a friend's mom at mile 4, and before I knew it we were running out into the wine country, where we would spend the bulk of the race.

I snapped a pic while I ran down Orcutt Road in the early miles

Did I mention the weather was absolutely perfect? High 40s at the start, with lower humidity than expected. The sun was rising and the day was gorgeous. By the finish it would only be about 60 degrees, with some winds.

The hills were definitely daunting, and it seemed like as soon as we were done with one, we'd have to climb another, but none were too steep or too long (well, maybe the mile 7 one was a little rough). And the views around us made every one of those hills totally worth it. Blue skies, rolling hills of vineyards, mountains, horses....just perfect. Because the roads were completely closed and we were out in the country, there weren't very many spectators. That's very different than what I'm used to. However, we did have many, many volunteers from a local Youth Academy that were out cheering us on every mile or so. They would sing, cheer, and high five us and it was a great boost to see their smiling faces. The aid station volunteers were top notch as well, and even helped me refill my handheld water bottle a couple times so I didn't have to slow down too much. I got to chat with many fellow runners, as I seemed to be around many of the same people for much of the race. I even got to experience the half marathon leader fly by me at twice my speed about an hour into the race (CRAZY fast).

Around Mile 6

Aid station about 7.5 miles into the race. Pic courtesy of SLO Marathon

I was running exactly the pace I wanted to for the race, keeping my miles between about 9:35 and 9:50. It wasn't difficult to continue to run those miles, I was comfortable and happy, and I wanted to hold that for as long as I could during the race. I suppose if I did that, I actually had a shot to PR.

I hit the halfway point at about 2 hours, 9 minutes. Double that and I had a very solid marathon performance, but I knew that the later hills could really take a toll on me so I tried to just keep my head in the game. I honestly was not tired yet and not getting bothered by the hills. I had been hydrating and fueling well up until this point. We started running down another road on the course (Tiffany Ranch) that was dotted with some country homes and was very shaded and it was a nice change from being out on the main road (Orcutt). I just felt GOOD. I saw another friend right as we crested the steepest of all the hills (thankfully it was a short hill), and that gave me another boost. 15 miles in and I was pretty darn happy.

Around Mile 13

Around Mile 14

Another uneventful few miles with more and more hills, and my pace continued to hold steady. I really didn't start feeling the real effects of the marathon until 18 miles. My stomach started bothering me right after I fueled, and I just didn't feel so great all of a sudden. I had forgotten that from miles 16 to 20 is a steady incline, and I think it was finally starting to take its toll on my legs. I tried not to slow down, but I could tell I wasn't quite running the same pace that I had been. But I was still running, and that's all that mattered. I just hoped the yucky feelings would pass in the next couple miles and I'd get another energy boost to finish this thing out. But for the meantime I focused on the landmarks and the mile marker signs and just tried to make it from one to the next.

As I passed Mile 20, I knew I had definitely slowed. I was running about 45-60 seconds per mile slower now and my A goal was teetering on the brink of not happening. I was at 3 hours, 17 minutes when I hit Mile 20. It would be close, but I really needed to start speeding up again. I did remember that the last 10K was a net downhill and I hoped that this might give me a bit of a boost. Sadly, that elevation chart doesn't tell the whole story. There were still uphills and they were starting to kill me slowly.

Faking a smile at Mile 21

I saw my parents right before Mile 22. My sweet dad asked if I was okay and I was so happy to see them, even for a fleeting moment as I ran by. This was where I was supposed to fuel again....and there you have my one big mistake for this marathon. When you feel like crap and you start slowing down, YOU FUEL. I needed to eat again and I didn't. Perhaps my pace would have picked up if I had fueled my muscles when I was supposed to. But when you're in those later miles in a marathon you're not always thinking clearly.

At Mile 23 I saw my friends Erin and Jason and I yelled to them "Why do I keep doing this?" How awesome is it that Erin snapped a couple pics? What a sight for sore eyes she and her family were!

Thanks for the pics, Erin!

At this point, the course took us on a biking trail, and what a wonderful, peaceful change that was in these later miles. Spectators lined the trail and many had posted some funny, inspirational, motivating signs for us to see. Despite feeling so fatigued, I still managed several smiles on this stretch. To get off the trail, we had to cross over the Jennifer Street bridge, but to get up on the bridge required a steady climb on a switchback...definitely unusual for a marathon course! But thankfully it was an easy incline and nothing too taxing. I knew that we had less than 2 miles to go in the race. My miles were still coming in way over pace, but I was well under my "B" goal and well within hitting a second fastest marathon time, so my spirits were still up.

The best thing was that I still hadn't walked at all. Every step of this marathon was RUNNING.

Another couple of miles through neighborhoods before we would hit Madonna Inn property and the finish line. Just a couple more miles.....

I was SO DAMN TIRED. Every step felt like a crawl (it actually was a crawl....Mile 25 was 11:20!), but at least I was still moving forward.

My mom warned me about the very last hill you climb as you enter Madonna property. It doesn't look bad until you have to run it after 4 hours. And she was right....that hill was short and AWFUL. I was barely shuffling as I trudged up it. But I knew as soon as I crested it, it was a downhill quarter mile to the finish and I would finally be done.

You couldn't wipe that smile off my face if you tried as I finished out those last couple minutes of my 10th marathon...in my hometown....with my parents waiting at the finish line.

4:25:33 - my second fastest! During what was by far the absolute most difficult course I had run. 

It was worth every single hill!

I'm already registered for the 2015 SLO Marathon. There's no way I'd miss running this race again. It was perfection.

And those friends I kept wishing were with me while I was running? They better get their butts out there with me.

How could they possibly resist THIS the day after the race???....

Baileyana Winery on Orcutt Road

Edna Valley Vineyards at Mile 19 on the course

Spending time with my family, with friends, winning my age group in a 5K, completing my 10th marathon, conquering hills, running through vineyards in my hometown....I'd say I had a really REALLY great weekend. I even read 3 books while I was gone. Sign me up for next year (oh wait....I DID)....

What's wrong with my faith?

I'm going to admit to something really big. Something hard to admit. Something I have had a difficult time understanding.

I've lost some of my faith. By faith, I mean my Christian faith.

I've been Christian since I was young. In the last ten years, my husband and I have made our faith a much bigger priority in our lives. We introduced our toddler to church while I was expecting our second child and have been consistent church-goers since.

However, at least for me, something changed in the last few years. I was a strong Christian before I lost my sister. I can now safely say that while I am still Christian, it's not the center of my universe. I had an epiphany the other day on why this has happened.

If I am to believe everything in the bible, then I know for a fact that I will not see my sister in heaven. As far as I know, she was not a believer. If she was not a believer, then she is not in heaven. On the day she died, my pastor tried to reassure me that I may not know for sure the level of my sister's faith at her death and that perhaps our God is a more merciful God than we will ever know. It brought me comfort at the time and I've clung to that hope.

But in the 4 1/2 years since I lost Trisha, I have slowly felt my faith slip away. I have gone through anxiety and depression, a lot of anger, I went through counseling, I struggled to find more meaning in my life, I have prayed to exhaustion. But still, no matter how much I turned to God, I felt my faith diminishing.

I am really struggling with the concept that I will never see my sister again, here on Earth or in Heaven. I miss her with every ounce of my being. She was an incredible sister, and is sometimes the only person I want to talk to on my darkest days.

But my faith offers me NO comfort in those moments. If I don't have the promise of an eternal life with her, then how is God supposed to comfort me in my deepest moments of grief? Do I want to continue to believe in God when it is offering me little comfort to get through the worst thing I have ever experienced?

I want to regain my faith, believe me I do. I continue to sporadically attend church and when I am there I am engaged. My husband is one of the strongest Christians I know. I live in a faith-centered community. But I also want to have hope. I want to see my sister again.