Next Steps

Damn injuries.

It's my own fault. I knew it was coming. I tried to fix it before it got too bad. But I didn't rest. After all, I was signed up for races that I really wanted to complete. No regrets, but I'm still frustrated.

One of these races was the New Years Double. I would be doing the Double Double, which was four different races over 2 days, a 5K and either a half marathon or full marathon on each day. Since I'm only "half" crazy I went the Double Double Half route. I knew from the beginning that my times weren't going to be super speedy. I was training to finish these races, not set PR's. After all, it's 32.4 miles over 2 days and I'm not an ultra runner. That is some serious mileage for me.

In the months leading up to the race I just wasn't feeling like myself. I had also signed up for the Houston Marathon on January 17, but decided awhile back to drop to the half marathon. I felt sluggish, was under a lot of stress, had not been focused on strength training like I should have been, and just wasn't feeling like a full marathon was a smart choice. But I really wanted to complete the New Years Double. Running double long runs of no more than 12 miles wasn't intimidating to me like a single 20 miler would be, and in all honestly the training went fairly well. My times were slower than in recent years, but I was able to get through the long runs okay.

But I was having nagging pains that frustrated me. I assumed I was developing Achilles tendinitis, so I tried rolling, trigger point, and stretching and I kept most of the problems at bay. I was still nervous about how Day 2 of the New Years Double would go.

I got through the race. I finished. Day 2 was fairly ugly. The pain after Day 1 was pretty significant and I won't lie by saying I wasn't fearful my Achilles would snap in two during Day 2. It didn't, but at some points it sure felt like it might.

Day 1 I actually posted respectable times. The 5K was long due to a direction error by a volunteer and I'm pretty pleased with my 8:35 pace over 3.4 miles. My half marathon was 9:25 pace. But there was an incredible amount of discomfort after those races. I ran my slowest 5K ever on Day 2 (intentionally), and my second slowest half marathon. I decided that in order to reduce the impact to my heel, I would run for only 10 minutes at a time and then walk for 1 minute. This plan worked very well and my running pace was respectable. As the race progressed, my quads definitely started getting sore and it was harder and harder to start back up with running after my walk breaks, but my heel wasn't giving me a whole lot of trouble towards the end.

Did I mention it was brutally cold both days? And windy!

I made it through 33 miles and earned my Double Double medals. It remained to be seen at what cost, however.

Done with all four races

Eve race medals

My friend Melinda ran the same races as me

The day after the race was probably the worst as far as pain and swelling. I noticed, however, that the pain was more on the medial side of my heel rather than being right on my Achilles, and that worried me even more. If it was truly tendinitis I would assume my pain would be centered on the back side of my heel. So now I was worried about a stress fracture. Needless to say, I called my podiatrist and made an appointment.

Luckily, no fracture was detected on x-rays and based on the swelling and pain location, it was most likely an inflamed nerve that runs along that part of the calcaneus bone. I was ordered to rest it, use ibuprofen, and ice. I likely also had a touch of tendinitis, but that wasn't a huge concern since with rest it can easily be rectified. Being the distance runner that I am, however, I of course asked the doctor if I could still "run" the Houston Half Marathon on the 17th. He told me that if my pain and swelling was gone, and if I listened to my body, that would be okay. If I still had pain after the race that worried me, we could schedule an MRI to get more answers and a more definitive treatment plan.

What does all this mean for my upcoming races? I have Houston on the 17th, which is a "go," although it will probably once again be very slow. I then was going to be ramping up my training for the New Orleans Ironman 70.3. Right before New Orleans is my 7th Texas Independence Relay. After that my schedule is open.

Coming off a sluggish season and nagging injuries, however, I decided that ramping up for a half ironman was not smart. My focus has to be on correcting my imbalances and getting stronger. Putting the pressure of a huge race on my shoulders would cause me unneeded stress. I don't want to just "finish" my first 70.3. I want to finish it strong and in top shape. This wouldn't be the case if I forced myself to complete New Orleans.

I hate the idea of not doing the race. So many people from my team are competing and it was going to be so much fun. I will miss the excitement and camaraderie. I will miss a good vacation to New Orleans with the husband. But in return I will be able to come back stronger and ready for the training that a 70.3 requires.

Down but never out! 

The love of a dog

On November 15, 2002, a wonderful ball of love and joy came into our lives and we named her Phoebe.

She stole my heart from Day 1.

My children have never known a life without her. My son was only 9 months old when we got her, and my daughter wasn't born until 2005. She's been our constant and our light through all our sad times.

We lost her on December 10, 2015 at age 13.

She had been in poor health for quite awhile. She has had cancer, infections, stomach issues, and her arthritis had been getting much worse this year. On Wednesday, December 9, she could no longer get up off her back legs. She was crying as she tried. Even with a double dose of pain meds she was still unable to really move. So we made the call.

On Thursday afternoon at 3pm, I said goodbye to her.

Watching the life leave my darling dog was absolutely excruciating. My face was the last thing she saw before the sedatives put her to sleep. I didn't take my hands off of her while she fell asleep. I wanted her to feel the love and warmth until the very end. When the vet said she was gone, it felt like my heart had stopped, too.

I got a few more moments alone with her before I had to leave her. I kissed her ears (oh, how I always loved her soft ears) and her sweet face (those wrinkles!), I buried my face into her fur, and I put the blanket around her.

The next morning the weight of her absence was heavy. I have gotten so used to her sweet face being the first thing I saw every morning and I felt empty. Those soulful eyes and those sweet doggie sighs....no more.

She was the most perfect dog and there will never be another one like her.

Thanks for the love and the memories, my sweet Phoebe.

Depression is Ugly

I have never made it a secret that I have mental illness struggles. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and get treatment for it. It took me a long time to realize it, but it's something I have probably struggled with for over 20 years, but just never recognized it as a mental disorder. Certain circumstances occasionally put me into a depressive or panic episode despite treatment. Many people can't really fathom what that means.

Since I'm in the midst of one of those episodes I thought this might be a good time to explain how it feels and what happens.

The only thing I want to do is be inside my house.

I want to sleep.

I want complete quiet.

I do not want to talk.

I do not want to socialize.

I find it hard to breathe.

I look outside my window and I fail to see the beauty that surrounds me.

I can't smile. If I do smile, it's fake....or someone told a really good joke.

I don't want to complete any of responsibilities, which means my house gets messy.

If I run errands, I fail to complete them because I begin to have a panic attack at being around people.

I don't want to make plans.

I will cancel plans.

I get sick.

My blood pressure rises.

The stress is suffocating.

I feel helpless.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I shut down.

I will snap at you.

I cry, usually out of the blue.

My feelings get hurt easily.

I overreact.

Nothing I can do really helps, but I still try.

I can't "snap out of it."

Counting my blessings will not make me feel better.

The small problems add up exponentially.

I am angry I feel this way.

I wonder when it will pass.

I wonder if I will ever be normal.

I wonder how people can still love me when I'm this way.

That's depression and anxiety. It's a real bitch. It goes well beyond being sad, frustrated, or lazy. I know exactly why I've been thrust into this latest episode. There are circumstances in my life that are causing a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety and I feel very helpless on how to improve those circumstances. The stress has eaten away at me, especially for the last few weeks. Add in the monster of depression that lurks inside my brain, and this is the result.

I hope that the more people learn about mental disorders like these, the more understanding and forgiving they can become. There are so many people out there struggling and you won't even recognize it. Show kindness and grace.

Catching Up on the Race Season

How is it possible it's been 2 months since my last blog post? Time for a little catch up!

Triathlon season has come to a close, and after 5 official races and 1 team race this year I can honestly say I'm comfortable with triathlons and having a really great time training and competing. I only placed in one race, and it was a really small one, but I'll take it! I think my season was successful overall. I became comfortable, although not fast, in open water, I'm getting stronger on my bike, and I'm doing well transitioning to the run. There are definitely things I need to work on next year. I want to be a faster swimmer and I want to maintain a stronger pace during my runs. Whether I end up on the podium or not is not my biggest goal, although that is always really nice.

I have one race coming up this month, my first Duathlon in Boerne. I should have known that because it's called the Texas Tough Duathlon it might be a bit difficult. But I registered on a whim and now I'm a little scared of the course! A lot of steep hills and I'm not particularly strong biking up hills. It will be an interesting day for sure!

As for running races, I decided to take a break from marathons. I was registered for the Houston Marathon in January, which would have been my 12th marathon and 5th in Houston. But I haven't been particularly motivated nor feeling that great about my running and knew the right thing to do would be to downgrade to the Houston Half Marathon. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I hope to be back doing marathons again in a year or two.

On the bright side I have 3 half marathons less than 3 weeks apart and that will be so much fun to accomplish. New Years Double on December 31 and January 1 (with a 5K each day thrown in for fun), and then Houston on January 17. Training for the shorter distances doesn't overwhelm me right now and it gives me more time to work on my strength training again, which fell by the wayside during triathlon season and with tennis elbow cropping up a couple months ago.

I'm still amazed I've become a triathlete. What a bizarre shift my life took!

When something is missing

August is a tough month emotionally for me, every single year. My sister passed away August 5, 2009, and with that milestone date I tend to be a bundle of crazy emotions. It's hard to shake the memories and the grief. With so many other stressors right now, this month has been particularly difficult for me.

I came across this note I posted on Facebook on August 28, 2009:

"I've gotten many emails from my friends and those who knew my sister and each and every one is so meaningful to me. This one stood out to me, however, and I just had to share it. I made the mistake of reading it 15 minutes before I had to leave the house! :)

To Jim, Jocelyn, Richard, Karen, Stephanie and Mark,

In January 2001, I had one of those once in a lifetime moments. I met and hired Trisha Masen to work with at Ballard Spahr Andrews and Ingersoll. Five minutes into the interview, I knew we had a keeper. Sometimes you just know that you have been given a gift.

Trisha was so talented she could have run any IT department at any firm, but like so many of us, she wanted to work and be a Mom. And what a great Mom she was. There were pictures of Jocelyn and Jim everywhere. She used to talk about what a patient, great father Jim was...and gush about Jocelyn all the time...

I loved hearing her house hunting stories. When she ended up buying her house in Aldan, I couldn't wait to drive by and see it, as I had grown up in the town next door, Lansdowne.

Trisha and I had alot in common and we used to share some great conversations...She shared her March 2000 Mommies Favorite Recipes, "with a pinch of advice and a dash of wisdom with me" - and I pulled it out just now, to start reading it again at bedtime...When I had miscarriage after miscarriage, Trisha and I shared some teary eyed moments and then a great laugh when I finally had my red haired daughter, Hailey.

I always think of Trisha with a smile. She had a heart of a giant and was one of the most giving people I every worked with at Ballard. The firm was lucky to have her and I was luckier to know her."

The "On this day" feature on Facebook probably hasn't helped my emotional state this month, as so many buried memories are cropping back up and bringing those difficult moments from the past back to the present.

I miss my sister. I miss her wisdom. I miss her heart. I miss her being a phone call away. She was so wicked smart and such a great sounding board. She knew me and my quirks better than anyone, and even when we disagreed (which was often!) she loved me fiercely and only wanted me to be happy.

I could use that wisdom right now. Or even just her ear. I know I have so many wonderful people around me that support me, but there's just something about a sister that is so irreplaceable.

I was pretty much knocked to my knees in grief over reading this again. Yet another reminder that grief is a lifelong process.

You will never be forgotten, my darling sister.

Upcoming Training and Races

I wrote this several days ago, but didn't post it. It seemed a little whiny to me and I was unsure about sharing. BUT it's my blog, and I can do what I want....plus I have a positive update to it.

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I can't believe it's August! I've completed three triathlons, plus a mock triathlon with my training group, and have one more to compete in this season. Then I have some decisions to make.

I'm really excited about competing in my first intermediate triathlon next month. I might not be super speedy, but I am strong enough to get through the distances....1000 meter open water swim (wetsuit legal!), 29 mile bike, and 6.4 mile run. Many other teammates will be there, which just makes it even more fun.

Then, at that point, I should be smack dab in the middle of marathon training. For the first time in 7 years I am not all that excited about it. This will be my first year where I'm not part of a marathon training group and not coaching. I moved on from my group for a number of reasons. Most importantly, I'm still focusing on triathlon training. Bike rides are on Saturdays, which is the day the marathon group meets for long runs. Second, I have a double 5k/half marathon race on New Year's plus I'm scheduled for the Houston marathon. Training for those races really doesn't fit in with my old group, as they train for the Austin Marathon. I really just need a lot more flexibility and can't commit to coaching or training every Saturday.

So....back to my hesitation. I know I have a lot of time to train before Houston, and I really shouldn't worry about it too much right now. I completed 10 miles yesterday without any trouble, a day after cycling 40 miles, so I'm well on my way to being able to handle endurance. But marathon training is a tough beast and venturing out there solo is daunting to me.

Sure, I have friends here and there who will run with me, but it's just not the same as a structured meeting every single weekend. I don't have a solid training partner that will be on the journey with me every single weekend. I'm not trying to whine...it's just reality.

Also weighing on my mind is that I have many upcoming out-of-town races. My husband and I are making some big household decisions right now, including a potential move, and that's making me overanalyze a lot of expenses. Out of town races can get pricey and I don't want to waste money that could go towards the changes we're mulling.

It's a lot to think about, that's for sure.

For now, I'm going to continue to build my training for Kerrville Quarter Ironman. I want to feel good during that race and pull off a respectable performance. I'm going to start doing back-to-back long runs in preparation for the New Years Double (32.4 miles in 2 days!). Lots of time for me to decide if I'm deferring Houston until 2017.

It's a weird feeling being ambivalent about a marathon. Marathons were my babies! Now my focus has shifted so much to triathlons. I love it, but it's weird.

UPDATE!! I have a super awesome friend and training buddy named Jeff who I had a long talk with a few nights ago. I told him my ambivalence about marathon training training, and he told me how he needs something to focus on. He told me he would run some of those long runs with me, and he doesn't care about pace. He just likes to be focused on something. I might not get him to do 20 miles with me, but I can count on him for support. Plus after talking to my husband about my concerns, he told me I have his support to do all the races I have planned. Feeling much better about things right now! I definitely surround myself with the right people!

A Tale of Two Races

It's triathlon season....that's still a really weird thing for me to say. No running races for me this summer. I'm sticking strictly to triathlons and for the most part I'm having a really great time.

If you had asked me two weeks ago, however, I would've just groaned and complained about how crappy I felt. On July 12 I competed in the Couples Triathlon, which was similar to May's Rookie Triathlon, just a bit longer. A 500 meter open water swim, 11.2 mile bike, and 3.1 mile run. My hope was that I could have a panic-less swim, a faster bike, and just maintain a decent pace for the run. The swim was great, the bike was great up until 9 miles, and I completely fell apart on the run. The end result was a crappy overall race. My time of 1:31 was just not good compared to what I knew I was capable of.

Georgetown Triathletes

In the days following I tried to cut myself some slack. I had an asthma attack on the bike that I just couldn't overcome during the run. I didn't have my inhaler or my essential oils to help support my lung function, which was a really stupid mistake on my part. I probably was too dehydrated when I started the race and that just added to my already weakened state. It was humid and hot, although the heat actually really didn't bother me that much. It wasn't my day.

My next race would be Tri Aggieland in College Station on July 26, so I had two weeks to get over myself and get prepared. It would be a 400 meter swim, 12 mile bike, and 3 mile run. Thankfully the Texas A&M course was mostly flat, and the swim would be in the A&M Natatorium with 50 meter lengths versus the normal 25 meter lengths in most pools. It would of course be hot, and probably humid, but I was pushing that thought out of my head and focusing on the positives.

I'm not a strong cyclist as I just haven't put in the real work to improve, so having a flat course would play to my strengths. I wasn't sure about the run course, but I do pretty well on running hills so I didn't worry too much there. I was really looking forward to swimming in that pool as I had never swam in a 50 meter pool before and I knew I would like that so much better. Truth be told, I actually now prefer open water swimming because I've finally gotten comfortable enough with my breathing and stroke to just get into a rhythm without stopping. Having to make a bunch of turns in the pool really bugs me.

Unfortunately, I still was having a lot of doubts about racing. I was having a hard time shaking my dismal performance in the Couples Triathlon. Trying to focus on what was in my control was proving to be challenging, but I was doing my best. I was eating better, hydrating better, getting myself even more acclimated to the heat. I ordered extra lung-supporting essential oils and put them in my new transition bag (finally bought one!) so they'd never be forgotten, I visualized some strategy for the race, and I kept telling myself I would be just fine this time around. I thought a lot about what a reasonable time goal might be for the race, with some wiggle room.

I did come up with some goals and I do think they were reasonable. I wanted to be out of the pool in under 10 minutes. I wanted to have smooth transitions, no more than 2 minutes for T1 (I knew there was a long jog from the pool exit to the transition area), and no more than 1:15 for T2. I wanted to hit 18.5 mph on the bike, and finally, I wanted to be under 10 min pace for the run. If I did all of this, my final time on the course would be 1:22. My "A" goal was 1:19. I did not have any hopes of placing in my age group for this race....the field in College Station is pretty competitive and it really was going to depend on who showed up to race that day.

Doing all of these things was certainly helping me calm down about the race and forget my fears of falling apart. I was prepared and could do well.

Long story short....I had a great race and I'm really very pleased. I didn't come even close to placing, but I put in a strong performance and I pretty much got my mojo back!

The swim was a good one for me. That pool is just plain awesome. To be able to do my swim workouts there would be incredible! I did have a couple of panic moments when I couldn't get my breathing under control, but it didn't stop me and I just kept going. I was out of the pool in 9:50, right under my target. My teammate Joe and I finished the swim at exactly the same time and ran to transition together. It took about 52 seconds to run to the timing mat, so my actual results show a swim in 10:42.

T1 was awesomely fast! From the timing mat to bike exit was 1:00 flat. Perfect.

The bike was fun. I loved the course, which ended up being two 5.8 mile loops for a total of 11.6 miles. I just tried to keep a nice steady 18-20 mph pace with as little slow down on the turns as possible, really focusing on my control and efficiency. There weren't any big downhills so I couldn't capitalize on that type of speed, but that's okay. Joe passed me during the bike and I lost sight of him in all the turns. I secretly hoped he didn't get too far ahead and I could catch him on the run. Overall, I did the bike course in 36:26 for a speed of 19.1 mph. I was ahead of my goal at this point and it was looking like I might hit my A goal. I knew the bike course was a bit short of 12 miles, so that meant my A goal was now a lower number.

I had a quick T2 but not as quick as I hoped. I was in and out in 1:23.

Now for the run, which you'd think would be my strong split. I just focused on keeping a steady cadence, with steady breathing, one turn at a time. There were actually two pretty good hills on the course, and mostly everyone was walking them. I refused to walk at all on this run, no matter how slow my pace was. I wasn't feeling overheated, which was awesome. When my first two miles came in well under 10 minute pace I was thrilled. I knew I would be way under my A goal. I had Joe in my sights the entire run, but just couldn't catch him!

I ran the 2.9 mile course (it was a little short) in 26:21 for a 9:12 average. My overall time was 1:15:54. To say I was thrilled was an understatement! Joe finished in 1:14:40.

I got my ass handed to me in my ultra-talented age group, however! Out of 31 competitors, I was 8th. A respectable performance, but just like I expected not anywhere close to the podium. The great thing about the results is that they rank you on every split, including transitions. These are the stats that make me happy. My age group teammate Tiffany (who scored 2nd place with a 1:06), was the only one faster than me in T1. I was 10th on the swim, 8th on the bike and run, and 12th in T2. Out of 31 competitors, I'll take it! 61 out of 263 females, 187 out of 554 total competitors.

Me and Tiffany

I am not registered for another event until Kerrville Quarter Ironman in 9 weeks. In the next two months my focus will be on adding distance and strength to my cycling workouts, continuing to be comfortable in open water, and heat acclimation on my runs. I'm not sure what my goals will be, but I do know I'm going to enjoy the journey and I'm going to have faith in myself.

Six triathlons done, countless more to go.