Welcome to 2025 and my year to TRUST

Every year I pick my theme for the year and do my best to live by it. I wasn't going to do that this year as I just wasn't feeling inspired to go that deep, or to even write. I haven't written on my blog in almost 5 months. 

It's been a confusing and trying few months for me.

And then of course the universe had other plans and for the past few days, I've been hit over the head with one word:

TRUST

The very first page of my new journal gifted
 to me by our church staff

Seen on Instagram right after the new year started

Seen on Instagram five minutes later

Fine then. TRUST it is! Thank you, Lord, for smacking me over the head with growth, opportunity, and a big spiritual lesson.

Last year I vowed to grow my faith so I could live life trusting God even when I couldn't see how things were going to work out. Well, apparently it wasn't enough and now we are going deeper and throwing a tough word at me for this year, because I pretty much failed to live up to my own standard in 2024.

Without going too deep into my past, my personal life, and my traumatic moments, let's just say that my trust has been tested dramatically in my lifetime. Therapy over the last few years, diving into scripture, understanding myself and my faith journey on deeper levels...all that has shaped my current feeling on TRUST and what that means in my personal relationships and in my relationship with God.

My conclusion in this last year is that I am a person who just DOESN'T trust easily. I used to be. WAY TOO MUCH. It bit me in the ass countless times, leading to deep wounds and deep trauma, so I did what any sane person would do and I completely shifted to the opposite side and question everyone's motives and everyone's words, wondering if they're completely full of crap. 

This isn't good. And it's not what God would want from me. There's a balance to be had in having boundaries but also being willing to open up and be fully known. There's a place to put my full trust in God, knowing he's in control and he loves me and he will provide.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6 

It's honestly been an exhausting few months being inside my own head. My therapist is probably exhausted, too. This isn't where I want to be, so 2025 is where I MUST trust God fully and completely, even when I don't understand. The times when I've been able to do this have enabled me to survive some pretty big hardships.

In 2022, Greg took a job that required him to work in Seattle, but we made the decision to maintain our home in Round Rock as well, figuring we could make it work for a couple years and see what happens. Well, what is happening is that we are still living in two places....and it's now 2025. I didn't envision feeling so unsettled in this situation and being forced to trust that things will work out. I like a plan. I don't have a plan. How am I supposed to trust that "everything will work out?"

I like Seattle. We continue to have some pretty great adventures. But I don't want to live here permanently. I also like Austin. But it's not my forever home, either, although our adult kids live full time in our home there. I'm looking forward to retirement in a few years, but living for the future is unsettling and I need to find contentment and peace in the present situation, which means....yes, TRUSTing that we are where we are supposed to be and TRUSTing that God will provide direction and opportunity for our family. 

Remember, we walk by faith and not by sight.

My thoughts are pretty jumbled, honestly. Have you read the book "I Want to Trust You, But I Can't?" by Lysa Terkeurst? If you've ever been burned in your life, if you think of yourself as someone with trust issues, if you try to control outcomes so you don't get blindsided....ahem, ME....then this book is perfect for you. The personal and/or professional difficulties you've encountered don't have to mean you live as a victim. We don't have to walk around with a chip on our shoulder because of the actions of another person/other people. We can make a difficult choice to be transformed by those experiences and not let them guide our futures in a negative way, but rather empower us to grow closer to God and deepen our spiritual journey and our purpose. The book is intense, the lessons are incredibly difficult, but the conclusions are vital for growth.

You can't control others, but you CAN control yourself.

I’m working on it.

One thing that I’m disappointed about and trying to come to terms with is missing out on teaching in the upcoming Re|Engage class at church. Greg and I took the fall semester off as we had participated and/or led the previous three semesters and it’s healthy to take a break. Unfortunately with Amazon’s 5-days-per-week in the office policy for 2025, we aren’t available on Monday nights as Greg (or both of us) must be in Seattle. I felt like we had found such a good place to help others, to guide them spiritually in their marriages, to share our story, and just feel true purpose in this stage of our lives. It WAS working for us to commit to Mondays and then fly to Seattle Tuesday morning. Hopefully we can still find a way to contribute with our personal story/lesson via video at some point in the semester.

Again, while this isn’t exactly how I envisioned my leadership journey, I’m choosing to TRUST we are where we need to be. Truly thankful for all the other leaders stepping up at Gateway Church when we can’t. 

I may also have a bug in my ear about furthering my spiritual ministry into life coaching at church. I’m currently praying and asking God for guidance and peace. Who knew my 1997 degree in psychology may actually produce more fruit! 

God continues to have plans for me, ones that I can start to see and others that are still in the shadows. He knows my purpose, he knows my gifts, and he has every intention on using me for good. Deep breaths, deep trust, and a lot of peace as a result....that is my plan for 2025.

Something just for us

First of all, Alaska was incredible. Totally exceeded our expectations. Second of all, we picked such a great ship in the Celebrity Edge. Geared towards adults, not huge, with so much to do. I wasn’t sure I would like cruising but I’m already thinking of our next one. 

I’ll write a more in depth blog post on our travels but for this one, I’m simply going to post a bunch of photos from an experience that Greg and I had while on board. We kept it to ourselves that we were going to do this, so it was intimate and meaningful. I also may have cried more on this day than my wedding day. 

If you get an opportunity to reaffirm your vows to your spouse, just do it. Never become complacent in your marriage, always practice gratitude, and be sure they know they are the most important person in the world to you and always will be.

June 15, 2024

Cheers, Babe!!

25 years + an injury update + insecurities

I really miss having a running blog! But, alas, being an injured runner means I don't have a whole lot to say except that I seriously miss running and I wonder if I'll ever be able to run like I used to. It's pretty pathetic, honestly. But I'm taking this spine injury seriously and not doing anything to jeopardize my recovery. That means no running.....for a very very long time. More on that later in this post.

Instead, since this is my blog and I can write what I'm inspired by, be it running or life or health or faith or family, I'm shifting my focus to something that has nothing to do with running.

Today, I'm inspired by a significant milestone that just passed.

About a year ago, Greg and I marked 25 years engaged (February 21, 1998), and I wrote a blog post about what I had learned about Christian marriages through all the mistakes and triumphs during our time together. Going through the Bible and spending so many hours deeply thinking about how that applies to us and to society was therapeutic to me. I hope it also helped others to reassess where they were in their own marriages, reaffirming what they were doing well and also giving them pause on where they could improve. I've actually gone back and read through that post several times. It has helped me as Greg and I continue our marriage ministry at our church.

On May 8 we celebrated 25 years of marriage. The silver anniversary. A BIG FREAKING HUGE MILESTONE. We've been married for a quarter century, AN ENTIRE GENERATION. We got married in the 1900's, y'all!

And I'd marry him all over again. He is always who I would choose. 

We were in Seattle for our anniversary and enjoyed our few days there, checking out a restaurant we hadn't been to before (The Pink Door). In just a few short weeks we will be embarking on our Alaskan cruise to REALLY celebrate. 

25 roses

Spectacular place to see the northern lights

In the year since I wrote that blog post, and despite another year with us essentially living in two separate cities, I like to think that not only have we grown even closer (yes, that's possible even after nearly three decades together), but we have branched out and extended help to several couples through our church and in our personal lives. We have taken a hard look at where we have fallen short for each other, what we've done very well, and where we want to be. 

We are in this for life. Of that I have no doubts.

But a long marriage is not the the goal. Plenty of people have long marriages. More people need to have a long fulfilling marriage, and sadly I think that's lacking in society.

We want a THRIVING MARRIAGE. A marriage that isn't without conflict, but one that is so solid that despite conflict, we always find a way through it. We are honest, vulnerable, and safe for each other. We don't have to avoid hard conversations for fear of the repercussions. We have the hard conversations so we can be even closer. We have some form of intimacy daily, even when we are apart, but especially when we are together. 

Being married for a long time is great, but having true oneness in that long marriage is the absolute best. And it's never too late.

We won't settle for less, and if either one of us is falling short, we have to fix that. It took us both a really long time to truly understand that, to truly understand what a biblical covenant of marriage should look like. And yes, we go to marriage counseling a few times a year to make sure we don't screw this up. 

Our marriage today is the best it's ever been. 

The gratitude is immense and I'll never stop shouting from the rooftops how incredible this is. I'm not dumb enough to think it'll be smooth sailing, however. There will always be difficult moments that we will have to navigate. That's true in every relationship.

Helping to lead the marriage ministry at our church is not where I would've expected to end up, but it has been so fulfilling and we are looking forward to continuing our work there, and to hopefully expanding that into other service areas at church. The more I lean on my faith, the more I want to learn, and the more I want to spread the good news that can be found in surrendering to that faith. I know Greg feels the same way. 

One thing in my life of which I'm certainly more unsure is my spine injury. I'm seriously struggling if I'm going to be honest. I'm in physical therapy twice a week when I'm in town, and avoiding any impact exercises. But it's tedious and annoying to feel twinges of nerve pain and stiffness and to know that I still have a disc where it doesn't belong. I have sessions scheduled right up until I leave for Seattle and our cruise, and then we will see how long I need to continue to go to a professional. It won't be like when I had to rehab my shoulder (30 sessions!) but I'm nine sessions in so far. 

It's making me so weary and so sad some days. 

I miss running. I miss feeling that high, to come home from a great run to start my day on a positive note. There's just nothing like a good run and I'm trying to navigate what is going to replace that for the time being. I miss that community, too. I miss lifting heavy weights and feeling strong.

I miss running with Greg. He can't run very much due to a setback, and it weighs heavy on us both. In our game room in our home we have a wall dedicated to our medals and race posters and shadow boxes of special races like Boston, and as we looked at it last night it made us both a bit wistful. There are so many incredible memories on that wall, things that we accomplished together. I miss those moments...the goals, the journey, the time we spent together. I don't want all that to just be in our past. 

All of this feeds my insecurity and there are days that it wins out, unfortunately. It's hard enough being 50 years old now. My 40s were my decade of being in the best shape of my life, of feeling like there was no limit to what I could do....and now I'm navigating a new decade without being able to put my body to the test like before. It's not permanent, but I'm impatient. The journey of building fitness, of pushing my limits, of finding new adventures is just so fun, and it makes me feel so good about myself. How do I deal with these insecurities? I'm still trying to figure that out.

Unfortunate Health Update

It was only two weeks ago I wrote my last blog post about finding hope in affliction through my faith, and that I was on the mend from a lumbar disc herniation.

A lot can change in two weeks.

My last run was Thursday, April 4 and will likely be my last run of 2024. 

I have somehow reinjured my spine. My L4/L5 disc herniation reared its ugly head again on Friday morning and the second time around has been even more painful than the original injury last fall. I spent five days in excruciating pain as the disc compressed my nerve down my entire left leg. I was at a pain level of 8-9 with very little relief. Drugged myself up as much as I could, but until the inflammation goes down, real relief is futile. Every morning, after a fitful night of sleep, I would hope that I would have a little less pain and a little more mobility…to no avail. 

Five days of nerve pain absolutely drives you crazy. I was out of my mind yesterday. My orthopedist appointment wasn’t until today, Wednesday, and while I was able to get a round of prednisone and had a muscle relaxer on hand, no other home remedies were working. I decided yesterday afternoon to head to the ER. Greg also called my orthopedist to see if there was anything else I could do to ease the pain. 

Thankfully the ER did help me out with a morphine shot. It alleviated some of the pain and I was as high as a kite almost immediately, causing me to not even give a shit about the residual pain. Sweet relief from my misery, even if it would only last a few hours. At this same time, Greg and my doctor were getting me set up for an epidural injection first thing this morning - that, by the way, feels really funky. 

I had my doctor appointment this afternoon. Good news and bad news. Back to physical therapy, continuing those exercises to build up my strength and mobility, and a cessation of running and any impact activities for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t a surprise to me. I had been doing so well, so if I have to let one activity go to get my back fully healed, I’m willing to do so. 

If I think too much about it, however, I start feeling beaten down again. It’s been a brutal 3.5 years. To not be able to run again on Snoqualmie Trail, to not run a race in Huntington Beach…and all the other miles that make my heart happy….well, it absolutely crushes me. I find so much joy in that journey, and now I’ll have to shift for a long period of time to other activities that will better serve my broken body.

One of the things that hurts the most, however, is upsetting Greg. He hates to see me like this and I know my tears were tearing him up inside. I spent his 50th birthday in excruciating pain and couldn’t celebrate him like I wanted to and how he deserved. He’s such a rock to me, however, and puts himself aside to fully focus on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and that serves as motivation to do what I need to do, and not make stupid decisions that further hinder my healing and progress. I still envision us running many more miles together in the future.

The pain of running a marathon (if I ever get to do that again) will be a piece of cake to endure after all this. 

Finding Hope

I was in the best shape of my life in 2020, in spite of the turmoil of the world. I controlled what I could control, which was my health and fitness and my commitments to my family. Despite the uncertainty in the world, I remained certain of two things - I loved my family, and I was in charge of my health. 

But a stupid momentary step on a trail 4 miles into a 10-mile training run derailed everything I had gained that year. I went from badass shape 8 weeks from a marathon, where if the weather was right I would be able to run a 3:45 and qualify for Boston again....to broken and defeated in a blink. I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

What followed was a grueling year where not only did I have to start over physically, but I lost myself emotionally. I was not the same person before that misstep in October of 2020. I was broken in every sense of the word. What continued to follow was more emotional turmoil than I can even now fathom. 

I put on a brave face....but I wasn't who God created me to be. I was lost.

Over the course of the last two years, I have gone from the bottom to a renewal. I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be in this sinful world, but I am once again a child of God, fully in awe of Him. I discovered something really powerful in my despair - hope is found in my faith. Hope is found in my surrender. Hope is found in giving it up to God's will. Hope will never be found in me alone. As soon as I was able to truly understand that I was not in control, my perspective shifted. 

It didn't take away the pain I was feeling, but it did give me a way through that pain. 

I'm currently in recovery from yet another physical setback, this time a ruptured lumbar disc. While I have made vast improvements and am thankful I can run again, I am still acutely aware that I am not healed. When I first got the diagnosis, I was obviously devastated. For the third time in three years, I was sidelined from doing what I love. I was forced into uncertainty. On top of that, I was about to turn 50. It's not a big deal to be 50, but for one of the first times ever, I was being forced to confront the fact that I just wasn't young anymore. I had to pay attention to my changing body and understand that while I'm on the fitter side of the majority of 50 year olds, I'm not 30....or even 40 anymore. This is the second half of my life....for real. 

I really thought this setback was going to absolutely crush me. I was scared, thinking of that time in 2021 when I just descended into a deep sadness. I didn't want that to happen again.

So I turned to God, and I realized that this response to pain and uncertainty is now automatic to me. For a long time I subconsciously fought against "help from God," figuring I could deal with it on my own. Not anymore. I KNOW I am not enough, I KNOW I can't weather all of life's storms under only my own strength. I NEED God to pull me through. As soon as I realized the depth of my fear, I prayed. 

What happened was a sense of peace and of hope, and a motivation to do what I needed to do physically and mentally to keep myself afloat. On my harder days, I prayed more. I wrote in my journal. I talked to my friends. I spent time with Greg. I went on walks and continued to pray. I did what was in my control. 

I never want to be that sad and lost again. You’ve heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s actually not true. We are absolutely bound to encounter things that are too much for us. But God promised us a way through it, and that requires surrender to Him. On the other side of that hardship is a strength and purpose that doesn’t come from this earth alone. 

Faith

As the new year begins, I've chosen my theme. I spent 2023 growing stronger in my faith in Jesus, while practicing gratitude for all the ways I have been blessed. This year, my faith will take on even bigger meaning. I will walk in my faith daily and be an example to others on how trusting in God can transform your life, can guide you, and can enrich every aspect of your day.

FAITH

Living with faith, growing your faith, trusting in your faith is not an easy endeavor. God never promised us a problem-free life, and for many, these problems seem insurmountable. To live by faith means that you trust even when you can't see it, even when it doesn't make sense, even in your deepest pain. You live with an eternal perspective, not a worldly perspective. In your deepest sorrow, you can turn to God to bring you through it.

As Greg and I continue in our commissioning as leaders at our church, we are entrusted to live this way, to show others the power of belief, and this new purpose in my life brings peace, perspective, and abundance. I'm excited and humbled to see what 2024 brings in my church community and beyond.

I committed to finding gratitude in 2023. While I still struggled and some days seemed brutally hard, I never went long without realizing my blessings and shifting my perspective to the good in my life and in the world. 

It was fun to look back on the previous year and to reflect on the adventures, and as I looked through all our countless photos I definitely had a big smile on my face. It was a good year, a difficult year, a year of abundance and learning and growing. With all the plans we have for 2024, I have no doubt that the positives will far outweigh any struggles, that we will see so many new things and experience far more than we can see right now. We have choices on how we want to begin a year, and I'm beginning this one looking forward while coming to peace with the past and all that it has taught me.

Back in July, I posted about our year so far, so I'll continue here where we left off....the second half of 2023 in pictures....enjoy!

Ending July with family in Seattle

My first race since 2021 (Snoqualmie, WA)

We lost a very special friend, Alison, to cancer in July

Great friends+Austin=LOVE

Summer of concerts continues - Bryan Adams, Seattle, August

Greg's first time in Nashville, August

Luke Bryan, Bridgestone Arena

Gibson Garage+caught in the rain

Just have to trust

Greg is funny with his gifts

I'm pretty funny, too

Back in Seattle on a gorgeous day, September

It may have been cold and rainy, but we had a blast on Mt. Rainier

Visited my sister on her birthday

We have a lot of advenutres!

Important reminder to walk out our faith

Sometimes my dogs are cute

I went to Seattle about a dozen times this year.
The rain did not stop me from getting in miles (October)

Weekend trip to Michigan, October

Hanging with Greg at work

Left my mark in Greg's office

25th Anniversary trip booked!

Back in Seattle, November

Greg traveled to Tokyo for the first time

I got terrible news about my spine (herniated and bulging discs)

Last trip of the year to Seattle for me, December

It's Christmas time!

Off to a party

Our 29th Christmas together

Last day of 2023!

Two more weeks until the milestone

Facts

It was a busy, fruitful, and totally crazy year. So much love, so much travel, so much growth, so much perseverance, so much hope. 

In two weeks, we head to Napa and then to Seattle to celebrate my birthday. While the thought of entering my 50s seems crazy to me, I'm looking forward to celebrating this month with those I love the most.