A Christian Marriage

February 21, 2023 was the 25th anniversary of Greg's marriage proposal.

25 years!!

It seems like both a lifetime ago and yet, it was just yesterday. We've had a million experiences, a million kisses, a million beautiful moments, and way too many heartbreaking moments. That's marriage. That's family. That's life. 

I am not the same 24 year old woman I was on that day in Monterey, California, when Greg made me the happiest I had ever been. I'm not the same 25 year old woman I was on our wedding day, May 8, 1999. I've made mistakes, Greg has made mistakes, we've made mistakes together, but what we've done well far exceeds our setbacks. As we've grown in our Christian faith, we've grown as a married couple. The more we lean on God, the better our life together becomes. I've learned this more than ever in the last two years.

Talking about religion and marriage can make a lot of people uncomfortable, but I'm not one to shy away from difficult conversations. I'm not one to shy away from talking about my growth, my mistakes, or my love for my family, particularly my spouse. And I think by talking about it, it fulfills a purpose to help others. 

What is so beautiful and comforting about the Christian faith is that we are not defined by our sin, we are not defined by our weaknesses, but rather we are forgiven and made whole again through God. As we surrender more and more to God's will, we find a peace that doesn't exist through our own will. We find strength and endurance and a love greater than we can imagine, a joy that can never come from earthly desires alone.

Society has led us to believe that it's fine to be married and divorced multiple times, that if you feel unhappy or "not in love" with the person to whom you've committed, you're entitled to move onto the something new, that mistakes are unforgivable, and that you should pursue your own happiness no matter what. How is that okay? There is no excuse for abuse of any kind within marriage, but the vast majority of less serious problems (and many problems that could definitely be construed as serious) are not insurmountable. Giving up quickly happens far too often. And the grass you find on the other side is most definitely not greener. I don't subscribe to this "marriage can be temporary" viewpoint and feel society has done a great disservice to the marriage covenant.

What have I learned in 25 years? More than I could ever put on paper, but here we go....

Many young people idealize marriage, thinking it solves problems "if we were just married" but don't actually understand true commitment. More time is spent planning and obsessing over the wedding than thinking about the lifetime of marriage to one person.

But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:6-9

The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18

He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22 

You can't ignore incompatibility and red flags while dating someone. You won't change a person after marriage, but rather your problems can become even greater. Marriage doesn't solve that, so don't take it lightly.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12

God and your spouse come first. Do not elevate your kids above your spouse. And do not elevate anyone above God. The addition of children can make marriage harder, especially if you are not on the same page in child rearing or your kids are high needs. Already existing problems can be amplified.

Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. Ephesians 5:21

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures, forevermore. Psalm 16:11

Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37 

Never stop dating your spouse. Quality time, dates, vacations....do all of this as much as possible.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 

Be interested in what interests them and encourage their passions.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Their success is your success, and your success is their success. There is no competition in marriage.

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord, and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in their work. Live in peace with each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:12-14

However, each of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

Do not disparage your spouse in public. It's one thing to seek advice from friends when having trouble, but disparaging your spouse to many people frequently is not cute, but rather very destructive. 

A wife of noble character is her husband's crown. Proverbs 12:4

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3

Grace and forgiveness are vital. You WILL screw up. But you are not enemies; you are partners with humility.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothes yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13

Understand your love language and your spouse's and give them love in the way that they receive it.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Proper communication will make or break you. Learn how to communicate with honor.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

On that same note, learn how to actively listen, seek to understand and to validate your spouse's struggles and concerns.

Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions. Proverbs 18:2

To answer before listening, that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

Use wise discernment when picking your battles. If something is very important, do not withdraw just to avoid conflict. But on that same note, small grievances can lead to cutting criticisms. Some things really can be let go.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:1-4

Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues. Proverbs 10:19

Romance is not dead. It's actually imperative. Always maintain romance.

I have found the one whom my soul loves. Song of Songs 3:4

Romance includes physical and emotional intimacy every day. Touch your spouse daily, include all forms of intimacy in your marriage and never withhold any of it as punishment. 

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine. Song of Songs 1:2

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Don't do anything you wouldn't want your spouse to do, in your words, thoughts, or actions.

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners that take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither - whatever they do prospers....For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction. Psalm 1:1-3, 6

Be on your guard, stand firm in your faith; be courageous, be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

Be your spouse's safe haven, their biggest cheerleader, their best friend.  

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another. Hebrews 10:24-25

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. 1 John 4:7

Pray over each other.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

...Be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:18-20 

Marriage is a covenant, the ultimate commitment, not a contract. Your love is not dependent on what you get in return.  

 ...When I looked at you, and saw you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the sovereign Lord, and you became mine. Ezekiel 16:8

Let marriage be held in honor among all. Hebrews 13:4

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6

No one passively arrives at a great marriage. It takes intentional work and loving actions. Conflict is inevitable, and it's presence is not necessarily bad, and it can be overcome.

Those who marry will face many troubles in life, and I want to spare you this. 1 Corinthians 7:28

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will. Romans 12:2 

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Romans 12:9-13

Marriage is not disposable. You can't go into it thinking you can move on if it gets hard. 

Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. Psalm 85:10-11

I will betroth you to me forever, I will betroth you to me in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. Hosea 2:19

He remembers his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations. Psalm 105:2

Allow your husband to lead, and allow your wife to nurture. We were made to complement each other.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands and you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, his body, of which is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing of water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to loves their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:21-28

Biblical marriage is not boring or restrictive or outdated. On the contrary, it's actually full of joy, security, passion, and adventure for life. When you work together to embrace real unity, and put God at the center, true joy is found. 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls alone and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one can be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:14

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I know....it's a lot. And plenty of people won't subscribe to all of it. It feels unnatural to say that you won't put your kids above your spouse, or that you will give even when you don't feel like you're receiving, that divorce shouldn't be an option if there's any kind of hope that you both can work through your troubles. I have made plenty of mistakes, but I would like to think that I've learned from every single one. What I do know is that I married my best friend, we have so much fun together, he's the person with whom I want to spend my time, I can't imagine not hearing his voice or seeing his face everyday, or growing old with him. We produced two children together and they deserve the security of two loving parents together. It hasn't been a completely blissful 24 years, however, but I do plan on doing the best I can to cultivate and maintain an awesome union. At the top of it all is God and my gratitude that I have all these blessings. If I've done anything right, I think I've done that well for the majority of my marriage.