Random Thoughts

In the last week, I've started and deleted a few blog posts. None of them sounded right to me, and frankly, I thought they were boring.

It's been 18 days since the marathon, and I'm definitely finding a dullness in the aftermath. Don't get me wrong, I am still so thrilled with my race and impatient for April 15, 2019, to get here. Heck, for registration to get here in September even.

But there's definitely a lull in the storm right now and I'm feeling a little all over the place.

So maybe that's how this blog post should be. Random and all over the place.

I'm slowly getting back into 30+ mile running weeks, but the comeback is slow. My legs are still pretty spent, although I've had a few good runs. This morning's was not so good as I tried to incorporate some short speed intervals into the run. It was a little too much and my heartrate was too high and it felt like too much of a chore. So back to some really easy miles this weekend and we'll try again for the speed next week. This slow comeback is probably completely to blame for the lull I feel.

I've got a few races on my calendar, two 10k's and a 12-person 200-mile relay. I'd like to have some strong performances so I am focusing my training on those races right now. I'll be keeping long runs and some good volume into my training plan, with some tough speedwork thrown in as soon as my body can handle it. I haven't raced a road 10K since 2012, and much longer than that since I've tried to PR, so it's time to shave a whole heck of a lot of minutes off my really soft 10K PR. I'm hoping for good weather and a 48 minute race. My other 10K is a trail race, so that will be a nice change of pace. The relay will require some long run dedication, and I'm fine with that as it's a great excuse to keep up on my weekend long runs, which I love (for the most part!).

But we all know my mind has been really consumed with thoughts of Boston. My apologies already, because I'm officially obsessed. My thoughts have been a bit crazy at times. It still seems surreal to me.

I'm a decent runner, but I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of being good enough for the Boston Marathon. It's always seemed like the race for OTHER people, and I was always in awe when my friends would qualify and run it. It wasn't until pretty recently that I started to really think about my chances. Back in 2016 when I realized the qualification window for my new age group opened up the next year (for the 2019 race, when I'd be 45), I couldn't get it out of my head. My husband traveled to Hopkinton for business and bought me a Boston shirt to get me excited about the possibility of chasing this goal. He took photos and the start and finish and it definitely affected him being there. He wanted this for me, too. The seeds had been planted and the journey would begin.

But in reality, I had so far to go. I just wasn't a good marathoner and even a 3:55 seemed insane to me. But it was worth a shot. I knew I needed to whittle my weight down to 125 pounds (while keeping my muscles and strength...not of this skinny crap without substance for me) and really increase my running volume and the quality of my training plan if I had any shot to get that much better. Luckily, I had time on my side (although, in hindsight, it wasn't a lot of time at all).

The thought that I wasn't deserving of joining this elite group of runners was always in the back of my mind - ALWAYS - no matter how confident I appeared to be on the outside. I'm just not one of those folks that's seen a lot of glory. I fall short often (that sure sounds whiny), and I don't really view myself as much of a "winner." To be a Boston Qualifier, you've gotta be damn good.

Waiting until I turned 45 would give me far better chances of succeeding. To go from a 3:45 to a 3:55 qualification time was huge to me. It almost felt like cheating to be able to qualify in the 45-49 age group while I was still 43 years old, but after realizing that tons of other people have this advantage as well made me feel a little better, and this is how Boston has it set up, so who am I to argue?

Something sure clicked in my brain over the summer because I accomplished the things I set out to do - weight loss, higher volume, no injuries, faster paces. It came together for me and I ended up running two really stellar races. I legit earned my place at the start line (you know, provided 5:07 is a good enough buffer).

When the fiasco with the shortened course happened in Mississippi, it very easily could have broken me. I honestly wasn't surprised something like this would happen to me. After all, I wasn't one of those folks that wins. So of course, even though I ran a fantastic race, of course it didn't matter and I wasn't really a qualifier. Frankly, the fact that it didn't break me kind of shocks me. I struggle with many mental issues, so this could've gone pretty badly for me.

But, except for a few really down days, I don't think this was much more than a blip for me in the land of self-pity. I bounced back almost right away. My good attitude seemingly came out of nowhere.

I've been thinking a lot about that attitude, which leads me to the next random thoughts on this post.

GRACE. Y'all know what grace is, but few people truly know how to show it. Our country is in the midst of a complete failure of grace...it seems like nobody has any idea of how to show it and instead people retreat into their own little selfish spheres, and it's truly sad. People are just awful to each other about the smallest things. I had to show a whole heck of a lot of grace to the race directors of Mississippi and Louisiana (my second chance marathon). I could've ripped into them like countless other folks did. But I refused to. They felt bad enough. Grace could help carry me to the start line in Louisiana. There was definitely a higher power at work on my mind in this, however. No way could I have had the kind of attitude I had without some major intervention on God's part. He found a way to speak through me and my misfortune. Not that I want to pat myself on my back, but I am really proud of how I handled that situation.

CONTROL. I had zero control over the disqualification of the Mississippi course. Anything I did or said or whined about wasn't going to change what happened. But there were a million things I could control and I had to push the situation out of my head so I could get back in the game and work on all those things within my control. I was in control of my training, my diet, my sleep, all the things I needed to be on top of to have another great race day. And I could control my attitude. I HAD TO.

I honestly think those two things are what carried me across that second finish line in 3:49:53. Sure, I had to be physically capable, but if I had allowed the Mississippi situation anymore room in my head, it would have derailed the race in Louisiana. Mind games can ruin the most perfect race. Not to say it wasn't a struggle. Forcing the disqualification out, coupled with forcing my doubt out of my head, helped me succeed a second time.

But the DOUBT. Oh my gosh, there was so much doubt no matter how much I knew I was capable of an encore BQ. How could I not doubt it? I had never even come close to a 3:55 before, and here I was trying to do it TWICE in 5 weeks? What kind of crack was I smoking? So yeah, pushing the doubt out was just a wee bit difficult.

Something pretty amazing happened at that start line, though. The stars aligned, my mind was right, the course was spectacular, and my legs and my heart did what was expected of them.

So needless to say, I'm now obsessed with Boston and the fact that I will be running with thirty thousand others from Hopkinton to Boyston Street. Envisioning the race gives me goosebumps. Remember, this race is for the best marathoners out there! A year ago, I was a crappy marathoner! This isn't something that was supposed to happen for little ol' me. But it sure looks like reality now, and reality is pretty sweet, I must say.

Perhaps I'm focusing so much on this small aspect of my life because I feel so OUT of control in other areas. There are plenty of times when I feel like the world's worst parent and my son and I are struggling mightily to get along with each other. My daughter and I are doing okay, and after a really difficult time, she seems to be feeling better about herself. But I honestly don't have much control over where their heads are, as much as I try to support and guide them. Having my running goals is a good way to channel my energy into something healthy that I can control (....or mostly control). It's a big fat positive in the middle of some difficult and negative years on the parenting front. Perhaps this is why I cling so fiercely to my physical health...I can control it almost entirely and it gives me a sense of peace and direction and strength. I now feeling a whole new blog post taking shape in my mind as I write this.

Thanks for listening to my randomness. It always helps to write it out and work through it.