Breathe

When 2017 started, I chose PEACE as my "word for the year." It served as a reminder of who I wanted to be and who God wanted me to be. In order to accomplish my goals I needed to embrace peace. I'd like to say that for the most part, I was successful. It took a lot of outside help...friends, my husband, medication, a whole lot of running with some big goals, and a few cocktails.

It was a tough year on the parenting front. So very tough. I feel like I say that every single year, but it's true.

I just don't have easy kids. I have a genius son who has trouble expressing compassion, thrives on being contrary, and doesn't live up to his potential at school (although there's a lot of improvement this year), and an overly sensitive, anxiety-ridden daughter who requires therapy and struggles greatly at school.

It's never ending and exhausting and there are some days when I want to scream because WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE EASY. It's incredibly hard to not compare my situation with others' whose family lives seem relatively easy, with kids who smile for the camera, love adventure, and get straight A's. You know, what everyone thinks life is going to be like when you have kids.

Ugh.

But somehow I made it through the year with more peace. Somehow, some way, I managed to have a whole lot of wins in the midst of the losses.

This year, my word is BREATHE.

You know how when you're in the middle of a tough workout and you feel like your breathing is just way too hard and rapid? But then you take some deep breaths and force yourself to slow it down and you start to feel so much better and stronger?

That's how I need 2018 to be. I need to remember to BREATHE.

The other day we were driving from Southern California back home to Central Texas. My husband and I decided to take a little side trip to Tombstone, Arizona, a place we'd never been and thought might be fun to see. The week in California had been more stressful than we had anticipated, with a medical emergency that threw us for a loop and a bit of a chaotic Christmas Day that caused my daughter an incredible amount of social anxiety. We wanted to take our time a bit more on the roadtrip back home, to appreciate what was around us rather than being anxious to get home.

My son was having none of it. No way did he want to take a two hour side trip to a little town with "nothing to offer." He was just plain nasty to us. To keep from throttling him, I had to force myself to take deep breaths and to do my best to keep my mouth shut. Not too successfully, I might add. Unfortunately, his attitude didn't get better, but somehow we got back on the road with him still alive. It was a total test in parental patience. The next day his attitude did not improve much, as we took a side trip to Cloudcroft, New Mexico, for tubing. Once again, he was having none of it. Thankfully, once he started tubing, he actually found himself having fun. But leading up to that first run down the tube hill I was a wreck from dealing with his surly attitude and the effect it was having on his sister's emotions. I removed myself from his presence, took the dogs on a walk, and remembered to BREATHE. Things turned around and the day was successful after all.

Did I mention that I just really want things to just be easy? Just once?

I will have another opportunity to focus on "just breathing" in 13 days, when I try to qualify for Boston again. As you know, my first qualifying marathon from 22 days ago was disqualified due to a short course, forcing me to try again if I want to run the Boston Marathon in 2019. It's not ideal. It's actually downright scary. I waver between confidence and terror on a daily basis right now. Because I raced hard on December 10, my body needed time to recover in order to turn around and race hard again on January 14. I think I've done a decent job with recovery, even with the travel, but I'm not 100%. I know I'm doing things right, but I'm also slightly scared that I've messed up my fitness and that I won't be ready in time. I got so used to running 50 mile weeks that these last weeks of much lower mileage and intensity are really messing with my head.

When I feel like my anxiety about it is getting out of hand, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths and feel so much better. Taking those moments to breathe deeply and focus on the positives I have going into the race definitely helps.

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT

When I'm running the marathon, I'll need to remember to breathe slowly and deliberately. It's easy to allow your breathing to get shallow and rapid and it's a surefire way to derail a good race. With experience, I've managed to turn this around time and time again during a race. In the last 6 miles of my last marathon, I found myself coming up alongside several folks who were really struggling, as many do in the last part of a marathon. They were breathing heavy, losing their form, and just trying to get through each mile one step at a time. It reminded me to stand up straight, throw my shoulders back, take another deep breath, and relax my breathing so I didn't fall victim to this dreaded "wall." I'm sure I'll need to do this countless times on January 14.

JUST BREATHE.